Not entirely sure why I joined, as much as I'm relatively certain I have Asperges and it could be nice to communicate with people whose brains work the same way, I don't exactly have any questions or felt any real compulsion.
Maybe I'm just treating this like a diary, but something might happen I suppose.
But anyway, Hi.
I was never officially diagnosed, though both of my psychologists agreed I definitely had something of the kind, and throughout the years I've slowly figured things out and got my brain sorted, and I notice the communication issues very easily now.
Times like where I notice I'm actually not looking at people, usually when I have other things occupying me, or when a co-worker had cancer, the news sort of just bounced off, and the innumerable times where words have failed me immensely to convey exactly what I was feeling in regards to any given situation.
My particular brand of Asperges, I like to call it the Fence Sitter, since I feel quite literally half way between NT and AS; I can see both sides but have difficulty identifying entirely with one or the other, where it presents itself as both an advantage and disadvantage. Communications and connections of an NT, with the logic and mental facilities of an AS, yet I'm not overly proficient in either and as a cost I had to deal with a few identity crises, as well as the frustrations of desiring connection but actually incapable of properly facilitating them.
Like NT and AS are languages, and I only took a small course in both.
I have a 'focus' in design, in that it's my obsession in the same way many people with Asperges find themselves fascinated with something above all else; I love innovating things, picking them apart in my head and seeing how they work, how to improve or fix them, or just simply understanding them.
Finding the patterns or the algorithms in things, identifying the root causes and eliminating them in an efficient, effective and permanent matter, not just slapping bandaids on things and hoping it stays together.
In a way it has sort of helped me figure myself out as much as others, letting me understand facial expressions, body language, intonation, a decent grasp of vocabulary among other things, so I consider myself somewhat fortunate.
Suffered depression for quite some time, relatively mild that fluctuated a bit, but I randomly ended up in a session with a psychologist due to blind luck I suppose. Not sure if it was strange or I was just exceptionally lucky, but I found it very easy to work with the psychologist and practically steamrolled my issues; I guess I sort of knew how the process worked and how I could help them help me, due to my design obsession.
Thought I was all fine and okay then, all depression-free and happy, but I somehow found myself at a second psychologist -I use that term loosely since they had way too many qualifications for all kinds of stuff- and they helped me see things I didn't even realize I needed to see. Little nuances of the brain that helped me figure out so much stuff, I just seem to be able to see everything now.
It's like I know why everything happens now, seeing well beyond the surface of an issue and getting a pretty good idea where it all came from.
To make a long story short, I think I've been lucky, and I've solved a heck of a lot of my problems; I've never felt this Asperges side of me was ever a bad thing, because I love logic, how my brain works, who I've become, and I wouldn't trade this imagination for the world.
It seems like Neurotypicals have to struggle with this 'social' structure, with all the expectations and anxieties of being this mass entity, and the fear of not being a part of that entity; I feel like Asperges managed to -somewhat partially- pull me out of that clump, and when I figured out what I did and didn't need to be scared of, life became amazing.
So this is what I could fit in a nut shell, I guess I'll see what happens next.
18 Sep 2015, 9:43 pm
