Hello all. I'm a nineteen year-old college student from Kentucky. Unfortunately, I'm currently on a leave of absence from school, due to problems I've been having that I don't quite understand. I was hoping you all could provide some insight.
The Muck:
I am a gay man--relatively certain--as I've never experienced sexual attraction to females. In regard to gender, I've been heavily questioning my male status for a variety of reason: I wanted to be a girl when I was younger, I feel far more at ease in the company of females, and I have few social traits that would be described as masculine. However, I am currently satisfied with my male anatomy and don't mind being seen as a male, excepting when being identified as a male excludes me from female "society." I think I would most accurately identify as androgynous, but I don't know the ramifications of identifying as such.
Going along with the topic of group exclusion, I've come to realize I have incredible fears of abandonment and rejection, which is perhaps why I abhor being excluded due to my male identity. However, I came to learn by about middle school that people are repelled by strong desire, so, instead of clinging to relationships unhealthily, I developed a tendency to keep people at a distance and isolate myself, all while my inner self writhed and rotted from the lack of intimacy.
I suspect another factor that made me adverse to showing strong emotions is my overbearing mother; while going through the tumultuous waters of her divorce, my mother would often use me as a source of comfort. She still has little restraint when expressing aggressive frustration, and can be verbally abusive and spiteful--her passive husband the usual punching-bag. I think I may fear becoming her--I was often compared to her by my father. I detested her and continue to detest her to a degree, but am softening in perception since I learned that she suffers from major depression, ADHD, and anxiety.
I suppose it's also worth mentioning that I deliberately refused to engage in any sort of romantic relationship till college. I did this because I was closeted till the Fall of my senior year of high school, due to the fear of rejection from my fundamentalist Southern Baptist father and step-mother. That winter I rejected my Christian beliefs and adopted the stance of atheism; I am still an atheist, but far more tolerant of religion. When I was religious, I was zealous.
I am currently being treated for inattentive ADHD, trailing Ritalin. However, I've grown suspicious that the symptoms I have of my ADHD diagnosis may be more attributive to ASD. I am also extremely leery of even considering ASD, since I am no psychologist and there may be a more accurate diagnosis that I am confusing.
I've only had one psychiatry session, where I was diagnosed with ADHD a few weeks ago. I'll be having my first serious therapy session in a few days. I say "serious" because the only therapy I've done was during my parents' divorce process in that context, and the therapist had a dubious internet degree.
The primary reason I've begun to suspect ASD (under the context of Asperger's, even though the DSM no longer recognizes AS) is that I still struggle with empathy. Other people's emotions often make me uncomfortable. Unless I am given a full backstory, it is very difficult for me to empathize with other's distress, and I often find myself doubting the legitimacy of other's feelings, although I begun to recognize that this is not very conscientious behavior and have been trying to improve. Also, fondness that my friends show me makes me uncomfortable; I often can't reciprocate and often feel like they're praising a facade I've created. This was especially concerning in my one committed relationship.
My mother has pointed out several aspie traits from my childhood, and even said that she suspected it when I was young. I did not play well with others. She described me as a "cerebral child" who's interests did not align with children of my age. Clothing tags bothered me to the point of removal. Sitting still was a torment. I was often very peculiar about the order of putting my clothes on. I am a very picky eater. I almost never made eye-contact when speaking (says this is still apparent, but less so). Self-harm as a child that was primarily manifest in hitting my head upon the ground. Tantrums. Poor motor development. Constant humming, hand flapping when excited (possible stims?).
Many of these symptoms have ceased to be prominent. Assuming I do have some form of ASD, I would hypothesize that my symptoms aren't so obvious for a few reasons: my father and step-mother (who held custody) were very critical, authoritarian, and treated deviant and quirky behavior with shame, humiliation, and punishment; I am very interested in socialization and presentation (theatre is one of my passions), so several of my NT traits could be forced or the result of mimicking (I constantly worry about eye-contact and whether or not I'm contributing to the conversation); or perhaps my brain is wired like a female--I read that female aspies are far more socially-adept and less obvious in symptoms.
I wish to investigate the possibility of an ASD diagnosis because I've been having significant problems with functioning, anxiety, and (I suspect--I am terrible at describing and judging my own mental state) depression. I fear treating my problems within the incorrect context might do more harm than good.
Thanks to those who managed to trek through this badly structured and anxious mess. I'll appreciate any comments, questions, or suggestions.
06 Dec 2015, 8:55 pm
