Help me with my diagnosis

Post Reply New Topic

(depression alert! )

Hi,

Never got diagnosed for any disorder (like to call it problem with society).
I write this in the hope someone recognizes it.
I really hope for any response, does not matter what even if it can be bad advice, just write your thoughts.

This is me.

all of my life I have never learned how to cope with society. Always feeling that i was different. Never understanding how things seem so easy for everyone else.

I am a sensitive person, deep down i can shoot into distress, pain, anger about things. most of the time getting there by some type of logical analysis. I over analyze everything in life from small circles of data or events to large circles of data and events and bridging the two.

Sometimes it can give me some weird contentment but most of the time it just makes me sad, paranoid, angry.
I really cant shut it of, it almost never stops, the same loops go round and i never seem to archive any of it. the only thing that seems to temper it is watching the same tv series over and over again and pretend to live in that fictional world, this made me somewhat of an addict. what also helps to stop thinking broad range is focus, when i focus i even stop to eat. I focus on something like programming or electronics, learning new stuff.. but it does not give me rest.

I am always tired, most of my adolescent life i could not get up in the morning, i also never did anything and sat bored in a dark room watching tv. This year my routine changed, tried to reboot my life by taking a new study, i got fixated on nutrition to supercharge me. now i can get up but during the day but feel like tired on adrenaline. School is to much for me. i cant learn at the speed as they want me. the hours are killing me, 2 hours travel time for one lesson, when i get home a i try to learn i cant focus anymore and i am tired. I skip school so i actually get some work done.
Falling asleep is hard when you cant stop thinking, most of the time i fall asleep watching tv.

I am good at reading body language or i might just think that. Most people just seem dishonest in my eyes and its always troubling me. It might all just be a self reflection in my head of not wanting to be different.

I really cant be dishonest about who i am and always hate to talk to people that have that seem to hide something. I will be the guy analyzing everyone and the plants at a party with strangers, never feeling comfortable til i understand everyone's behavior. When i say something it must have meaning and me meant or there is no good reason to speak. speaking something without meaning feels the same as lying because its not me. When i find someone that does not processes as dishonest in my head i love to talk. I have had friends but it always took more energy out of me than it gave me and i stopped seeing them. sleep deprivation weird as it is makes me more social to strangers though.

Staring in the eyes of strangers is like allowing them to see my pain and feelings. i am ashamed of that part of me and don't like that. i want/need to be strong because society classifies this as weakness and showing it gives met more troubles than its worth...i might be a dishonest person after all. i can look people in the eye though when i am able to mentally block all feelings,I need to be calm for this and prepare this 5s in advance. this skill i practiced when i was bullied on school.

I am a chaotic person. always to late, messy room, really bad with names. not having the energy or seeing the logic of prioritizing these things. some people think of me as smart. i might be but i am always failing on this point, failing on tests by making the stupid mistakes or reading the questions wrong. i think its because all of the large mistakes I made during practice go trough my mind at these times. also i am a slow learner. i cant grab and remember facts/methods well without analyzing them first. this takes time. when i do understand all sides i will never forget anything about it.

I don't really know who or what i am but i just feel there is something wrong with this world. filled with hate, greed, propaganda. I so strongly wish this world different but it feels like i'm just different. When i can i still fight against a lot of these things but most of the time i just feel like a burden to my family.

I wish i could change this world,

Life stings in my head like needles,


Let me sleep for a 100 years,

PS: thank you for reading this. i know it is long.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Thanks AnonymousAnonymous

Btw, forgot to tell

I do feel happy sometimes in life. rereading my post for the 5th time and your welcome statement focused me on the fact that my entire story/topic/me only contains depression.

Jesus I know how it feels to just feel so alone and overwhelmed by the world; we see so much sheer horror happening everyday and it can feel impossible to do anything about it. I'm also constantly tired yet find it nigh on impossible to sleep, and I also live in my fictional worlds. I guess as long as you get out there and breathe non-stale air sometimes it's not the worst coping mechanism you could have.

Don't feel bad about feeling overwhelmed, it's a problem maaaaany people have but they hide it until they crash and burn - you're just more honest with yourself. If all you can manage is a couple of hours of "real world" a week then you do you.