Greetings from Southern Europe!

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Dear fellow members of Wrong Planet,

This is my first post in WP. I have been very pleasantly surprised by the level of support and kindness shown by many here, which has prompted me to write this message. A quick warning first, in the hopes of not overreaching or overstepping too much, but this message will be a long one as I am still trying to sort out my thoughts. Allow me to introduce myself first. I am a 43-year-old female living in southern Europe. Although I am fluent in English, this is not my mother tongue, so please be patient if I make a mistake or my point does not come across clearly. I currently work as an language teacher and private tutor and I enjoy movies, soap operas, photography, drawing, Geography, History and Archaeology.

Why am I writing?

After doing a lot of research, reading an extensive number of books, academic articles, blog posts, etc. and watching an inordinate amount of videos by people diagnosed with ASD, I began to realize that all the questions that I had spent my life wondering about, all those little quircks and things that have caused so much pain and suffering, may have a reasonable explanation. I am aware of the extensive discussions pertaining the problems with diagnosis, the so-called ‘medical model’ and the difficulties with under- and over-diagnosis that have been discussed in this forum, so I will not spend any time delving into this. It had never occurred to me to link any of my perceived ‘problems’ with ASD, possibly due to the very distorted image I had from media portrayals and so on. It is only by reading and becoming familiar with the real experiences of real individuals that I see so many similarities and so many missing puzzle pieces that I am now wondering whether it may be worth considering a diagnosis (more on this later). Although the list could go on and on, I will start by mentioning my extreme sensitivity to noise, my apparent inability to socialize properly, my inability to make friends like other people do, my tendency to ‘switch off’ or ‘disconnect’ whenever I am part of groups larger than 3 or 4 people, my tendency towards isolation whenever possible, my angry outbursts and meltdowns for apparently no reason, and above all what others seemed to perceive as my ‘weirdness’ or ‘oddity’. For many people around me, I am just either too ‘weird’, too ‘sensible’, too ‘complicated’, too ‘stubborn’, too ‘rigid’ or too ‘difficult’ to deal with. A recent argument with my partner's family cause a significant rift that sent me into a spiral of depression and isolation, thinking I'm just too weird for this world. She was genuinely worried about me and started to wonder why it was that I was unable to behave “normally”, why I suffered from so many meltdowns or why the tendency to simply shut down and detach myself from whatever was going on around me. Without telling one another, it turns out we were both doing our research independently… and we both came to the same conclusion. Could it be that I was on the spectrum? It was me who, after reading many articles, initially raised the question. Ever since stumbling upon this information, I feel like I can safely look back and reevaluate my life experiences. It's a strange feeling, but I now feel like I have completed the puzzle that was my life, that I have found an important missing piece. I would say I feel an enormous sense of relief combined with an intense sadness for all the things I have lost in life. More importantly, in doing so I am learning to be kinder and more forgiving towards my own self, particularly when it comes to reliving my past.

Why am I here?

The short answer is: because I need to feel I am not the only person in the world who sees the world the way I see it. Reading books on autism has been informative, but I cannot relate to some of the clinical issues that are overemphasized there and some of the examples provided. I do, however, find the experiences of real people both validating and calming, as I see myself clearly reflected in them. I will not post on the issue of seeking out a diagnosis or not, as I am by now well aware of all the complications surrounding the process. In fact, I keep asking myself whether I need a diagnosis or not and I cannot seem to find the right answer. I am 43 years old, I seem to have found my place in life and, with the help of my partner and family, I seem to be able to provide answers to most of the challenges I face in my daily life in terms of sensory processing issues, friendship and so on. I believe embarking in this process at this point would be detrimental to my health, both physically and mentally, and would bring little benefit, but I am open to hear other opinions. I feel like this knowledge has brought me to the end of a long road and has placed me at the beginning of another, yet unexplored path of self-discovery. I wonder if anyone else has felt this way.

Thank you very much for reading and my best wishes for the New Year.

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For those of you who might be interested to get to know me a bit better, I have noted down some of the most relevant issues and experiences. I do not wish to overwhelm anyone, but I have found this to be a useful exercise in order to explain my presence in this forum.

Sensory processing issues / meltdowns: this is what motivated my research in the first place. Whenever I experience sensory overload (in my case, in the form of noise, whistling, chatting, road noise, children screaming, etc.), I notice how my whole body begins to shut down. If I find myself with no escape route, I tend to isolate myself by tapping away on my cell phone and ignoring the conversation. When the sensory overload reaches an unbearable level, I simply have to leave the place or I collapse. I need to anticipate any social event or gathering several days or even weeks in advance, plan any escape routes (events closer to home are easier for me, as I can simply say I’m too tired and come home) and agree with my partner of the ‘rules of disengagement’ will be like if I begin to show signs of discomfort. I have been known to react aggressively when experiencing sensory overload. I become stiff, my muscles become extremely rigid and I react angrily if people touch me. Meltdowns cause me to break down and I might need from a couple of hours to even several days in total isolation before I can recover. Any activity that others consider ‘normal’ during such time can be extremely draining and taxing for me, such as taking care of daily chores or going to the supermarket. My recently purchased noise cancellation headphones have proved of invaluable help when it comes to taking public transport or being in noisier environments. They're not magic, but they definitely help. I also have poor executive functioning when it comes to daily chores around the house, and I often feel overwhelmed by the mere vision of the tasks ahead. I often need others to direct me or tell me what I need to do. Only then I can perform the task assigned.

[b]Friendships: [/b] I have always preferred one-on-one friendships. As a child, I only kept one best friend at a time. I have detected a pattern of quite intense friendships, particularly with like-minded individuals with whom I have a shared interest. I absolutely dislike gossip and social chit-chat and feel at a loss when people around me engage in such behavior. I get immediately bored and (so my partner says) I ‘switch off’ immediately, as I do not see the point in engaging in such talk about people I do not know or whose business is irrelevant to me. As for making friends, I find it extremely difficult to engage in the type of activities and/or conversations that usually lead to establishing friendships. I do have good friends, but I have never been able to socialize in the ways they do. As a teenager and young woman I never attended parties or disco events, and to this day I prefer maintaining one-on-one conversations. When in larger groups, I find myself observing others, not being quite sure of what to say or when to intervene. I find the dynamics of social interaction way too confusing, and I have often compared myself to someone observing a fish-tank full of colorful fish from the outside: I see the fish, I observe them, I identify them for what they are and I perceive they seem to be having fun, but every time I try to jump into the fish tank, BANG! I hit my head against the glass. It is only when I feel safe and surrounded by (a small number of) people who know me very well that I feel comfortable enough to interact. Throughout my life, I have also detected a tendency to burn bridges and break a friendship over little disagreements. My partner has actively helped me reconnect with friends whom I had unknowingly offended or scared away.

Feelings and communication: I generally do not have trouble with sarcasm, irony or double meanings, and I very much enjoy comedy shows, although my partner has defined my sense of humor as ‘odd’, ‘peculiar’, ‘intelligent’ and ‘uncommon’. I am extremely verbal (sometimes hyperverbal, to the point where others find it difficult to interrupt me) and sometimes I do not realize that other people are bored or wish to switch topics (my partner helps me with this, as she is exceedingly good with social cues). My partner says, however, that I do take things ‘too literally’. I have experienced numerous misunderstandings because of this, too many to tell. I will provide an example. Recently, I asked a friend to take part in a research project involving some questionnaires. She agreed to it, but when it was her time to fill out the questionnaire, she refused to answer some of the more complex questions. When I asked her why, she said “I just don’t feel like it today”. I insisted that she please fill it in, as the questions were extremely important for the project, but she refused yet again. This caused me to experience an emotional breakdown which I could not identify. In my mind she had let me down by refusing to do what she had agreed to do in the first place (“Why is she refusing now? She should have told me before that she would not answer, as I would have had time to find another respondent and finish the project. She is my friend, why doesn’t she understand that this question is important to me?”). My partner had to explain that she hadn’t necessarily lied the first time she had agreed to participate, nor was she trying to sabotage my research by refusing to answer. I found the whole situation very confusing, it simply felt like a conversation in two different wavelengths. Other times this results in funny instances, like for instance when she says she will be home ‘soon’ and I text her to ask ‘what do you mean by soon’ and then an entire exchange follows of me arguing with her over how ‘soon’ cannot last anywhere between 5 to 45 minutes. We have both learnt to navigate this, me by trying to be less rigid and literal, she by trying to be more literal and less imprecise in the way she expresses herself. Ever since I was a little kid I have tried to be extremely precise in the way I express myself and I say exactly what I mean to say. I find it odd that people use language as imprecisely as they often seem to do, and this causes a lot of confusion.

Driving: although I did manage to pass my driving test at my 3rd attempt at the age of 36, I stopped driving several years ago because I find it way too confusing. In the past, I would memorize the route to wherever it was that I was going and drove to the place by re-playing it in my head over and over (to the point that I know where every single street light is placed from my home 20 miles to the movie theater). However, I find driving exhausting and frustrating, and I get terribly angry if I cannot follow the predefined route and find myself at a loss if something unexpected happens (i.e. too much traffic on one lane).

Academics: I have always been considered academically gifted. I have attended different universities but I was unable to complete my PhD due to an unfortunate succession of events that led to me feeling completely exhausted and overwhelmed. I am now getting a second BA. I am considered an oddity at my current university, with professors praising my ‘unusual work ethic’, my ‘ability to see beyond what others can see’, etc. The thing is, when I get my assignment, I spend weeks just reading dozens of articles on that particular topic of which I knew nothing of before. I draw lots of visual plans to organize my ideas and establish connections between different areas, and quite often my professors will praise me for the ‘originality’ of my work and the attempt to offer a new viewpoint. The problem is, it usually takes me much longer than all my peers to both start and finish my assignments, as I never seem to find the right time to call it a day and finish the task. I find it extremely difficult to decide when to finish a task, and the classmates I keep in touch with have called me ‘a perfectionist beyond belief’ in many instances. This causes a great deal of anxiety, as I am not satisfied with just any result. I often find my peers’ work poorly documented, reasoned and presented, either lacking in depth or accuracy. I do, however, keep such opinions to myself, as I understand it is not considered polite to say so.

Inflexible thinking: although I consider myself and extremely inquisitive person who can see all shades of gray in a particular issue, my partner has told me on many occasions that other people perceive me as ‘too rigid’ and ‘inflexible’, and that they’d rather avoid certain topics of discussions (particularly those that I find most interesting or that I am an expert in) in order not to upset me. People sometimes find me irritating (so I’ve been told) and I have been called ‘a know-it-all’ or ‘arrogant’ even at times when I think I was being polite. I find this disconcerting and unsettling because I make a conscious effort to be polite in all my interactions with others, but the divide always seems to be there even though I do not seem to notice that I make other people angry. My partner says other people often find me 'disconcerting' and don't know what to expect of me.

Inability to work in groups: I have experienced serious problems whenever I have been forced to work in a group. I very much enjoy working along, at my own pace and using my own thinking process, methodology and logic. Part of my current online degree involves groupwork of some kind. There are two definitions of hell in my dictionary: groupwork and children's birthday parties. Some of my classmates have pointed out to me that they do not wish to be corrected for their mistakes and others have accused me of disregarding their contributions to the project. If so, I have done this unwillingly or not noticing.

Professional development: for most of my adult life I have ben self-employed. I had always thought this was because I liked to the idea of being “free”, but the only job I have held at an external institution was working at a university library, first returning books to shelves and organizing (which allowed for lots of quiet time organizing and shelving books), then cataloguing. For the past 15 years I have worked from home as an independent contractor and private tutor. I find my best performance is in one-on-one lessons. As classes grow in size, my teaching abilities seems to dwindle and my performance becomes more unpredictable. The maximum number of students I can reasonably accommodate in one class is around 6-8. I find 8+ a confusing number, as I find it exhausting to pay attention to all the interactions going on in the class and there is too much activity and noise to deal with. My ideal maximum class size is between 3-4, as this allows me to focus on students individually and understand their requests. Although I considered a career in public teaching a while back, the sheer size of classrooms in my country (32+ students) has convinced me I am not tailored for the job.

Interests: I have multiple interests, ranging from History and Geography to the Arts or learning languages. Many people around me say I have a knack for foreign languages and an innate ability to imitate foreign accents, to the point that people who meet me cannot tell where I come from. I have the ability to ‘pass’ as a native in pretty much every language I try to learn. I would say language learning comes naturally for me, mostly as a result of listening to and imitating others. I learn languages by watching soap operas, imitating sentence structures and patterns as well as intonation patterns. I have taught myself many other skills, such as drawing and photography.

Home: I find myself safe at home. While I do not need to have thousands of things, I do feel a special sense of attachment to my belongings, particularly my personal library (which I have shipped from one continent to another on two different occasions).
Nature: I very much enjoy contact with nature. It soothes me. I love cats.
Boredom: I am basically never bored. Even if days on end go by without talking to other people, my mind is always busy with stuff. My partner and my mum have described me as having “a rich inner world”.

Sports: the sports I find myself more attracted to are the martial arts. I find the patterns involved in learning and practicing so-called ‘forms’ soothing, as they allow me to go through the movements undisturbed and contribute to my peace of mind. However, combat practice is too confusing for me. I do however enjoy practicing alone in the punchbag, as this allows me to release much of the tension I accumulate.

I regularly pinch the skin in my thumbs and lips, I suffer from bruxism (teeth grinding and jaw clenching) and I have experienced several bouts of mild depression and anxiety attacks in the past (although I would say anxiety is constant in my life).

Here are some details from my early childhood and childhood which may also be of relevance.

• I was a very lonely child, more often than not by choice. I would spend most of my time alone and engaged in activities I enjoyed, such as drawing, playing with play-doh, cooking imaginary meals and above all, reading.
• Whenever my parents suggested I go and play with other children, I generally refused. “Why don’t you go play with those kids over there?”, would ask my mom. “No”. “But sweetie, they seem nice”. And my answer would inevitably be the same, according to my mum: “I don’t want to play with them because I don’t know them” (which still seems like a ery reasonable and logical answer to me).
• As a little child I was considered and labelled by my mum as “very inflexible” and “stubborn”. However, because I did not misbehave, I was not punished or grounded that often. My mum has often described me as "my little piece of furniture: you could stand there for hours on end minding your own business", and she says I was a very clumsy child.
• I taught myself to read at around the age of 3. I attended kindergarten from age 2 and a half. A few weeks into my early kindergarten experience, the lady teacher contacted my parents and informed them that I seemed “bored”. I was, indeed, terribly bored.
• I found it very unsettling when I had to change schools, which happened 3 times from ages 5 to 8 due to my parents moving into different homes.
• I did extremely well at school academically, always got excellent grades and worked extremely hard to the extent that all my teachers praised my performance. However, I often got in trouble in class because I was too eager to answer the teacher’s questions and would often be unaware of when it was my turn to speak.
• I was considered a ‘nerd’, a ‘weirdo’ and bullied throughout elementary school. I did not frequently participate in games at recess and was unable to engage in the typical games all the other girls seemed to have no problem with (jumping rope, etc.) Playground time was a nightmare.
• I was often chastised by adults for ‘correcting’ them. “This is grown-up stuff, you have no business in it”, I was told. This happened quite often.
• It took me much longer than all the other kids to learn how to ride a bike and to this day I cannot properly swim.
• I only had one friend at a time.
• Although I did participate in team sports, I was always benched and would only participate in the last 5 minutes of matches, as I was perceived as too ‘clumsy’ by my coaches. I did however enjoy practice.
• I tended to enjoy the company of older people, particularly much older girls, that I could talk to.

All in all, I have always enjoyed doing things on my own, such as going to the cinema during the less popular slot times, attending events that I enjoy such as conferences, sports events or art exhibits, etc. I am also an avid book collector. I just love books and anything having to do with books.

Thank you very much for reading.

Sounds like AS to me. There are several online tests that are intended for pre-diagnosis screening. They confirmed my suspicions and I personally am not planning on getting a diagnosis. The tests are here: ASD tests

I like this one too. I thought I was more HFA than AS, but this test put me solidly in an AS category:Which Lorna Wing Type Are You?

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

It seems that one of your main concerns is panic attacks. I have read a good book that will give you an understanding of what is happening during a panic attack. The book is called "In an Unspoken Voice" by Peter A Levine. Perhaps you can get a copy from a nearby library and take a read.

Welcome to Wrong Planet. I've experienced many of the same things you write about. Once the penny dropped for me, just two years ago, suddenly my life made sense.

Thank you very much for all your responses.

Welcome to Wrong Planet, aspito! I can relate to a lot of what you have described. I have found the noise cancellation headphone a real savior.

As to executive functioning: Maybe making lists could help you? I am making a schedule for myself, at home and at work. I put routine things to do on it that are the same every day or every week, and I learnt to set ample time to finish these because I tend to underestimate how much time distractions will cost me. I get easily distracted. And if there is a lot of time left, I put other things on the schedule that can vary from day to day.

Welcome to WP!

Welcome to wrong planet