New here. Hi

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I forget the obvious.

I'm really bad at communication since I don't really do it and fail in life at it. It never occurred to me to start here and say hi. Maybe I'm still partially clueless and done with rejection over and over again. About 2 years ago I would read articles here but never joined. My doctor told me to interact here last year but I just read articles and comments. Even within the ASD community there appears to be a small percentage that I would actually fit in with. It is painful.

My interests are drinking black coffee, LINUX, chemistry, languages, mechanical physics, music, reading dictionaries, and psychology. Not general psychology but ASD, Cluster-B, & NPD/narcissism. This is not meant at all to seem a certain way but those are my interests. I prefer simple life and would like to just (recover) lounge on a couch at a remote farm playing baroque tiorba in the living room. Maybe feed deer by hand and cook some homeless a 15-course spread.

Having no real family and a messed up one before none, I had to figure out life on my own. Too exhausting. I've always been like a kid even as an adult. Not a mental adolescent nor some form of goo-goo ga-ga but naive still , believing the wrong people, and always giving people second, third, fifteeth chances after they hurt me over and over again. My mental resources are gone. It is too late. I never knew how to deal with this. I've hit extreme autistic burnouts to the point where my brain quit working and wouldn't fire off signals to my arms and legs stuck in bed as if paralyzed. Does this make sense to anyone?

I have a handful of tics that are becoming uncontrollable and it is possibly Tourette's. Just not the low percentage of Tourette's that screams obscenities nor the high pitched whistle. When I was young I was the most constantly made fun of kid got made fun of at school, at work and everywhere else. My first friend (autistic or partially ret*d) wasn't until 8th grade. He was a trauma survivor and saw his dad commit s--c-de in the field behind his house at age 8.

I have synesthaesia and I mentioned it to one person long ago and I wished I didn't. They always made fun of me to their family as if that was a signal to them that I was 'crazy' or damaged. I have Asperger's: professionally administered AQ: 47/50, & 185/200. I go in between HFA and mid function. My IQ also ranges wildly when depressed or anxiety from 131 to 153.

As I mentioned in previous posts, as long as I can make a sandwich and binge watch youtube I'm ok. Forgive the regurgitated diatribe.

It's going to be hard to find anybody to fit in with, even I don't see a lot of people who are similar to me, just people who've gone through some similar experiences. At most you might find a few who are very similar to you, but I don't think you should expect to find a social clique or something similar. I consider a lot of the people on these forums to be my people, but only so far as to say that most of us have some form of ASD.

You seem to know your interests well and I even share a couple of them, but you've lived quite a harder life than mine and suffered through a lot. For that, I can say that you've done very well to get so far, congratulations pyrrhicwren.

You're obviously scarred and drained, I hope you can find a way to cope with it, perhaps some form of stay-at-home job, you don't seem like you need a lot of money since a simple life is all you seem to want and a stay at home job would be less socially demanding, I think.

Still, if you ever want to get your mental resources back, I'm sure that would take extensive therapy (and the right therapy, it's not like all therapists know what they're doing) and that does take some money unless you're sure that living a simple life would be fulfilling and restorative enough by itself.

I'm sorry that you got made fun of for synesthesia, a weird thing to make fun of someone for, but I guess someone like that would make fun of you for anything they deemed not normal.

I myself think this is not exactly the best advice, but learning to not trust people is best and is a rather common behavior among a lot of city folk. It's either that or to keep a positive and upbeat response to getting ripped off and betrayed, but the former is much easier than the latter. (But my parents are somehow capable of it, so I strive a bit to be like that.)

That's all I have to say, good luck and hopefully things improve for you this year.

I've mentioned it here before, but I knew a woman with Synesthesia and AS. She used to get cassette tapes, open them up, and turn one of the reels the other way around so the music would play backwards. It was just so she could see the shapes and colours that were produced by the sound. She saw colours above numbers and letters too, and said different people with Synesthesia saw different colours, but most she knew seemed to agree that the number 0 was white. She also told me my voice was a similar nice caramel coloured voice as George Michael's.

My old friend came on here years ago asking if I was around. I missed her.

I think having your brain must make you special.

I think we never gonna fit in anywhere but maybe here we can have some form of a network where you can be yourself. Without bullying and without that feeling that something is wrong with you because you are not like others.
I joined here because I am so alone and I have problems with really trivial things that others take for granted. Life is maybe easier if you can talk about these with people who really understand it.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

last thing. I can't tell when people are making fun. If I sort of know a person and I know their joke style then I get it. But people I don't know even if they might be joking, have a strange sense of humor, etc, I can't tell the difference -compounded by things growing up. I've had major issues with comms/people; if they treat me (at first) nice I used to think since they were nice to me they are my friend. I'm a wreck of a person.

Hi, and a very warm welcome to you . Sounds like you've been coping with alot on your own. Hope you find support and friendship here. Good to have you with us.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

I have developed a quirky sense of humor. My family complains that I lack humor but that is simply untrue. The main reason is that humor is very dangerous. Humor can be weaponized. Let me give you an example.

One day when I was in the hallway of my 6th grade school, I was surrounded by a group of boys. They asked me what my nationality was. I sensed danger and said nothing. They looked at me. I was small and had large ears. They decided I was Japanese. I said nothing.

For the next three years, I was told every Japanese joke ever invented. Whenever they threw a joke my way, I maintained a stone cold face. That was a little hard to do sometimes because I wasn’t Japanese and a few of the jokes were actually a little funny. But if I showed any emotion, the jig was up.

To this day, if they are still alive, I wonder if they remember the little Japanese boy that went to their school. And I am still chuckling deep inside. That is my quirky sense of humor.

Now if I were Japanese, every one of their jokes would have been a dagger to the heart. And it also made me somewhat immune to any other criticisms they leveled in my direction. If they called me stupid, an idiot, a klutz, an imbecile; I knew deep inside I really wasn’t because I was pulling the wool right over their eyes and they didn’t even realize it. This almost made me bulletproof from psychological abuse.

Welcome, I think everyone has somewhere where they belong. Thought it can take time to find your tribe. I hope you find them