Hello everyone! This is my first post.
Disclaimer: I have agonized over composing this post. I apologise in advance for being exceedingly wordy. I struggle with expressing myself succinctly, so I tend to overcompensate verbally. It has taken me more than a day to write this. It still feels incomplete and insufficient, but I must start somewhere. So, here goes...
A brief snapshot of me: I am a male professional musician in my mid 40s. I have been married for 22 years. I have completed four years of college and I have a degree in philosophy. My father was a binge drinking alcoholic who died in 2014. We were not close until a few years before his death. He suffered from Parkinson's and dementia, and being the only child it fell to me to take care of him, as my parents divorced and he never remarried. My Ma dealt with opiate addiction and alcoholism in the past but has sorted her life out. She and I are very close. My wife is an artist and musician who has been diagnosed with ADHD and suffers from anorexia nervosa, anxiety, and occasional depression.
I believe I might have Asperger's, though I have not been formally diagnosed. I became suspicious after playing in a band whose singer has Asperger's. After working with him for a decade and observing the similarities between him and me, I started to wonder if maybe I too had Asperger's. Recently I've been doing some reading and I appear to tick most of the boxes. I have also completed an online questionnaire and scored within the percentile suggesting I may have Asperger's, though I understand that in no way suffices as a diagnosis. It certainly goes a long way toward explaining my fixation and specialization on a very unusual musical instrument as well as my numerous peculiarities in the realm of social interaction, among other things which I'm sure I will get into later.
As a professional musician, despite the demands on me socially, I get by fairly well as I've created an alter ego that I wear as a mask for stage performances. For those of you who are familiar with the film Fight Club (1999), I have effectively created my own Tyler Durden. He does the heavy lifting when it comes to social interaction. It was the only way I could handle the profoundly debilitating stress of performing in front of other people. Through the years, this Tyler-esque persona has universally become my public face both on and off the stage. Today, he is the me that interacts with almost every person I know.
I have joined this group as a first step toward seeking help because I have been experiencing problems in my marriage for many years. Based on what I've read, nearly all the marital problems my wife and I are experiencing are consistent with the problems individuals with Asperger's have in their relationships. A recent breakdown we experienced put me through my usual cycle of anxiety, depression, and suicide ideation along with several instances of self harm of the blunt force variety. I'm afraid that if I persist in this way without help, my marriage may end, or something even worse might happen.
My wife and I love each other and are wholly committed to working through these problems. In the coming days and weeks, I'm hoping to share with you all some of these problems and read your feedback in order better understand how to work within the framework of Asperger's.
For those of you that made it to the end of this, thank you for reading. Warmest holiday wishes to you all!
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21 Dec 2019, 6:45 pm
. You've had quite a difficult life, then. Sorry to hear. You write very well, and it's good to hear that you are your wife are both committed to working on any difficulties. Wishing you warmest wishes for a lovely Christmas too. Good to have you with us.
