I'm new - married to AS for 14 yr didn't know

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Hi I am new here. I was married to AS for 14 yr. Been divorced 9 yr. All I know is what is on the internet and in a few books. He seems to like to make sure he knows what I am doing by staying in contact with my daughter. Why???? I don't understand any of this. My daughter has her own problems, too. So do I. Is this still part of this control thing??

I started going with this AS guy in 1985 & we even went to counseling, many times. If fact we went in 2002 and nothing about Aspergers was even mentioned. The counselor pulled me aside afterwards and said that my ex was too bizarre, and pointed out many bizarre ways he had (like I hadn't noticed in 14 yr) , and said to run as fast as I could away from him. I feel like one of those women who is married to one of those guys on death row. It makes no sense. I am not blaming my ex AT ALL. I am trying to understand what is going on with me!! !! ! I had one expert tell me that I am trying to make sense and get closure from something that will never make sense or give me closure. That is totally logical, but my emotions don't buy it. Honestly, I have thought about just shooting myself to end this craziness. It is craziness. Both his 2nd & 3rd wives have been extremely threatened by me, and I don't know why. I think it is some thing he is doing or saying to them. I wish I could just forget all of this. I have already been determined 100% disabled from a mood disorder, so I know I am crazy, but there seems to be something else going on. I've heard AS's have 80% divorce rate, so maybe nobody has experienced anything like this.

[quote="westernwild"][quote="chesapeaker"]I started going with this AS guy in 1985 & we even went to counseling, many times. If fact we went in 2002 and nothing about Aspergers was even mentioned. The counselor pulled me aside afterwards and said that my ex was too bizarre, and pointed out many bizarre ways he had (like I hadn't noticed in 14 yr) , and said to run as fast as I could away from him. I feel like one of those women who is married to one of those guys on death row. It makes no sense. I am not blaming my ex AT ALL. I am trying to understand what is going on with me!! !! ! I had one expert tell me that I am trying to make sense and get closure from something that will never make sense or give me closure. That is totally logical, but my emotions don't buy it. Honestly, I have thought about just shooting myself to end this craziness. It is craziness. Both his 2nd & 3rd wives have been extremely threatened by me, and I don't know why. I think it is some thing he is doing or saying to them. I wish I could just forget all of this. I have already been determined 100% disabled from a mood disorder, so I know I am crazy, but there seems to be something else going on. I've heard AS's have 80% divorce rate, so maybe nobody has experienced anything like this.[/quote]

I'm not threatened, I just know you're still in love with him and won't let go even after all these years and that really disgusts both him and me. And you're still full of it, because you had been divorced for three years by 2002 and he was already remarried. He's very loving and kind to me and a wonderful husband; I know how to treat him right. You need to accept that it is over and he's moved on and you need to do the same. As for his second wife-she was threatened by everyone in the world who was female, period.

BT[/quote] Sorry typo The year was 2000. Quit following me around. He is staying in contact by having a relatioship with my daughter. And, that is a typical lie Genny tells, that is if you didn't make it up, about your wedding and her kids. Congratulations on your wedding. I wonder what the countdown is on your divorce??? Most people have 18 mo to 24 mo bets. When will the violence start. You keep following me around and I will tell you what you are afraid to hear. I am sure CLC has made light of his 2nd wife, but Remember he married me, then her, and now you. We all have quite a bit in common. That ought to scare the hell out of you. I am far far away and don't have to deal with it. But you are in the middle of it. It will get violent and it sounds like it is already festering and manifesting here first!! So stay out of my space and I won't tell you anymore.

Your reading comprehension must be very poor. If you actually read what I was saying, I am owning it all. Alice Miller, always said she knew when she was on the right track with an idea when she riled her colleagues. I know I am right about you, and it makes me sad. The people you met at Prospect in Vermillion pitied you because they know the misery you are already experiencing. Don't look to Genny for comfort, she will tell you whatever it is she thinks you want to hear.

Yes, anybody who can read, knows I am still in love with CLC. Also, the card I wrote to him wishing you congratulations on your marriage told him I loved him. But, I love him like a mother who abandoned her child. I don't want him back. Oh, no. Besides, in case Genny didn't tell you I am involved with a psychologist (convenient, eh?) who prior to becoming a full time retriever trainer (like me) he treated Asperget Children. He pities you too. I would love to let CLC go, but I would have to permanently have to let Genny go, too. Maybe that is what I will have to do. Then Genny can't give me or you her melodramitic information. Yes, thank you. that is what I will do is give up on Genny and have no more contact with her. thank you. You can be her mother and CLC her father. Great. Her life will be perfect now that she has me out of her life and you for her mother. Great idea. You are so much better for her. I am going to call her in the morning and tell her I will have no more to do with her and why. Also, I will change my cell phone number and internet and I will totally disappear from your life, her life, and CLC's life. I feel better already. Good bye. Thanks for your help.

[quote="sinsboldly"][quote="chesapeaker"] I've heard AS's have 80% divorce rate, so maybe nobody has experienced anything like this.[/quote]


Where would you get a statistic like this? Where did they get a group of married AS big enough even to do a sample. If you said 80% of AS have never been married, THAT I would believe, but either site your documentation on this statistic or stop saying stuff you pull out of thin air!

Merle[/quote]

I think I got the statistic from the book "Asperger's In Love" Can't remember the author

This is what I wrote in December last year:

I attended a support group for partners of people with Asperger's yesterday. Tony Attwood attended (volunteering his time) and stayed for 3 hours. There were 20 women and 1 man (he has an Aspie wife).

Also there was another psychologist from Minds and Hearts (volunteering her time) and the author of 'Alone Together' - Katrin Bentley. Her book outlines her 20 year marriage to her husband who has Asperger's.

I have met a lot of women who have divorced their husbands with Asperger's.

But this group were women absoutely committed to their marriage.

Tony facilitated the discussion and there were many similarities in our experiences including:
- Our men are really kind, nice people and we love them.
- Despite the difficulties, we are committed to staying married (some women there had 30+ years marriage)
- Our men wooed us/romanced us at the beginning of the relationship. Once we were married, this stopped.
- We all agreed we often felt starved for affection and attention from our husbands.
- Many reported husbands having meltdowns and saying extraordinarily cruel things to us (this includes myself). The husband did not know how hurtful their comments were.
- Once we told the husbands about how hurtful these comments were - the husbands often expressed sorrow because they said it in heat, and did not realise the long-term hurt we feel.
- Many stated we felt like we had lost our identity. Tony Attwood reported Asperger's is 'infectious' in that we generally adapt to our husbands ways and drastically reduce our level of socialisation we'd had when we'd been single.
- An incredibly amount of us (including me) stated we often felt like we felt we had lost our sanity. This was because others cannot understand our experience, and if we tried to address problems we had with our husbands they told us we were crazy/insane. This was often repeated over years.
- Quite a few reported having to flee the house with their children regularly when their husbands melted down and became violent.

Some women (like me) had worked through the difficulties and were now very happy in their marriage. Others were in crisis, but committed to working things out.

Some ideas to keeping our marriages happy included:
- Ensuring the NT partner maintains her own hobbies and friendships and spends time socialising away from her husband.
- Understanding about the parts of Asperger's that we cannot change, and accepting this.
- Changing the way we communicate with our husbands - they cannot read our facial expression/body language so we need to be very direct with what we want.
- Asperger's husbands need to realise that just because they are happy, doesn't mean the rest of the family is. (I know my husband used to live in his own world, hardly speak to me but he was happy. When I told him I wasn't happy, he would not believe me, told me I obvioulsy had serious mental issues and I should take some pills. This went on frequently for years.)
- Asperger's husband needs to ensure they allow their wife at least a few hours every week break away from the children/household responsibilities.
- Asperger's husband needs to ensure their wife has time away to socialise with her friends + spend time on her own hobbies/interests.
- Husband and wife need to discuss what they want/need. For example, I told my husband I needed 1 hug and kiss every morning and every afternoon. He now does this because he knows it's what I need from him.
- Husbands with anger issues need to seek help.

There was a big box of tissues and I swear every women there cried at least once. There was also lots of laughter!

I know I was sobbing and sobbing (with relief) when one woman said that for a long time she had thought she was losing her sanity and many others agreed. I didn't know so many others felt this way!!

Tony Attwood reported that often men with Asperger's marry 'extreme Neurotypicals' - those who are extremely empathetic and nuturing.

We agreed that we would meet 1/month. We will probably have to split into smaller groups as the group grows.

As a group, we were committed to staying married and making it work.

I know from above, it sounds like it was negative, but really it wasn't. We spent a long time discussing all the kind, caring things our husbands have done.

We also discussed that great advances in society due to the innovation of people with Asperger's.

Tony Attwood reported he often tells politicians that our society needs people with Asperger's. He tells politicians we need to support people with Asperger's + support their families.

I think Tony learned a lot from us too! After the session he told us he had only intended attending the first meeting. However he said he would now attend every second meeting, and he will organise different psychologists for the times he couldn't come.

chesapeaker,

I am happy to give you information.

However I have no desire to get involved in an argument between WrongPlanet members!

So now I will leave this thread.

I hope you can work through your depression.

I was suffering depression but have had intensive therapy and am no longer depressed. I am no longer taking anti-depressant medication.

Helen

Smelena, that is the most amazing post of information .

I am AS with a very NT "partner", ( the papa of my son), and I know he suffers. I know it. Sometimes I wonder why he doesn't leave. Sometimes I think it would be good for us if I left. He misses sex, hugs, cuddles, social life, chats, little outings, other people, even eating normally.

But he says that with me, as compared to his previous two long term relationships, ( a wife for 14 years, and another partner, for whom he left his wife), he can express anger, be honest, and knows that I am being honest, always, direct and open, rather than lots of agenda. He says the way I think entertains him; I'm often having some new idea. But he finds my control issues wearing, etc etc.

It's a close thing. We aren't married, and we say it's just as well, "because that way we can't get divorced"! That's when we're feeling cheerful about it.

I know that I can be very grim. But apparently he would rather be with me than not, or alone which he was for a year or so after leaving his wife and then being left by new partner, which made him deeply miserable .

I think that I remind him of his parents; his mother, ( who is a dragon, but we warily respect each other, because I recognise that I'm a dragon, something I wouldn't have done 15 years ago),and his father who committed suicide when he was v young. He says that I have a "charme fou", and that he doesn't want anyone else. So he puts up with me. Just about. And I put up with him, just about.

He does get very overwhelmed sometimes by my complete lack of understanding; at least half of the time since having child with him I have thought fairly definitely that I never should have done this. And say so of course.

[quote="Smelena"]chesapeaker,

I am happy to give you information.

However I have no desire to get involved in an argument between WrongPlanet members!

So now I will leave this thread.

I hope you can work through your depression.

I was suffering depression but have had intensive therapy and am no longer depressed. I am no longer taking anti-depressant medication.

Helen[/quote] THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for your information. It is way too late for my marriage. I wish I knew this before I left him. But there was nothingc out there in 1999 in South Dakota. I barely saved myself. There is no argument between me and anybody else. My ex's present wife just is violating every rule of this site. I really feel extemely sorry for her because she doesn't realize my ex and I have so many people and territory in common, I am going to be part of his life forever.

Welcome to WP!