finals week and I need to vent

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I've posted a few times on here about my struggles during my first semester at the university, so I'll jump right to finals week.

I have had a terrible day so far. My very first final exam ever at this school was this morning at 7:30 a.m. The weather turned nasty yet again, and I had to drive to school in an ice storm in the dark. They don’t put salt or sand or anything out in the boonies-lot where they make me park, and everything was a sheet of ice. I could not stay on my feet no matter how hard I tried, and when I finally hit the ground (that's twice in two weeks I’ve fallen out there), I just lost it. I began to cry and yell obscenities and pound the ground with my fist. I didn’t even care if anyone saw me (but there wasn’t anyone around anyway). I got back up and considered turning around and going back to my car, but I kept shuffling along to my class, sobbing all the way. What an appropriate way to finish this 16-week ordeal.

I had allowed a ton of extra time to get to class because I knew that the drive and the walk would stress me out, and that I'd need sometime to calm down and look over my note cards one last time. However, every second of that time was used up, and going into the classroom, still wiping my eyes, I had to dive right into the test. I don’t know how I did, and at this point I am past even caring (which says a lot, since I am normally obsessed with getting an A). Afterwards, I walked back to my car (an inch of snow had since fallen, which improved the traction), and drove back to the apartment which has become my refuge (I am backsliding into agoraphobia again). I got back here around 11 a.m. and have spent the past two hours trying to sort out my thoughts and de-stress. I still have a ton of schoolwork to do, but I am EXHAUSTED and OVERWHELMED for the millionth time this semester, and I just want to go lay down and rest after I post this.

I am tired of being in psychological pain 24/7, and I am tired of life in general. Constant adrenaline rush (the bad kind), constant flight-or-fight response. If I walk around a corner at school or in my apt. building, I jump and scream because I startle incredibly easily these days. I’m just going to muddle through this last week, recuperate for three weeks during break, go at it again full-time for another semester, and see where I’m at. My psychologist in the town where I go to school wants me to work with the student disability office to try to get 9 credit hours instead of 12 classified as "full-time," but even if the student loan companies and the scholarship committees don't penalize me, there's still the fact that it is going to take me even longer to finish school than it already is, and we absolutely cannot financially afford for me to spend more than six semesters to get through my junior and senior years and finish my bachelor's degree.

My psychologist and my regular doctor back home want me to see a psychiatrist because he or she would be able to play with my meds more and possibly make my situation tolerable.

I don’t have a choice but to continue full-time (>= 12 credit hours per semester). I’ve already amassed $10,500 in student loans, so I have to finish this or die trying…quite literally. I want to be able to have a career and pay off my own loans. I refuse to stick my husband with having to work until he's 90 years old to pay for my aborted attempt at getting an education.

I love my classes, and this is the only school within 6 hours of my house that offers my program of study. It's all the other logistical stuff that's killing me. This place is too big, too loud, too busy, and too scary. I've lost who I am and have just become a robot programmed to go here and go there. Even as I type this, I am being penalized for trying to process the sensory overload, because I should be finishing a project and studying for two more finals. It is very hard to keep up with my schoolwork when I have to spend so much time either processing or resting.

Thanks for reading. I am off to bed now for a few hours.

It's been a while since you posted this rant, and I imagine you might be feeling a little better - especially since the semester has been over for a few weeks now. I thought I'd respond since I can relate.

I just finished teaching my first semester at a community college, and it was one of the most stressful things I've ever done. I too spent all my down time recuperating from the stress of school, from the sensory overload of having to deal with so many people. I am doing nothing this semester break because I am still trying to heal from the trauma of last semester, and am trying very hard not to think about how difficult next semester is going to be. I'm counting the days I have left of vacation before the whole thing starts all over.

Although I don't have to deal with ice storms, I do have to wake up when it's dark, and the feeling of despair and anxiety at 5:00am is soul-killing. It is so bad that I talked my psychiatrist into trying ECT with me. So that's what I've spent my Xmas break doing - going to a large hospital same day surgery center and having seizures induced twice a week. I've had 5 treatments so far, one more tomorrow, and I'm not sure yet if I feel any better. But I plan to keep trying it until work interferes in the hopes that just maybe it will reset my brain so that I'm not so terrified of my life.

It is good that you like your classes. Can you find out if any of your classes are offered online, so you don't have to show up? I got my master's through mostly online classes which were wonderful. Another suggestion - can you fit all your classes into 3 days a week so you don't have to go every day?

I'll be thinking of you next week when I start my semester over again.

Thank you so very much for your thoughtful reply. My break, unfortunately, has also been stressful, mostly due to my husband having some physical problems stemming from the car accident that nearly claimed his life last August, a week before school started. I alternate between lying in bed like a zombie and working my butt off around the house. I was supposed to be working on applications for summer jobs and next year's scholarships, but I just wasn't able to do it.

Your choice of words, "reset my brain so that I'm not so terrified of my life," is very apt. It is so hard to make other people understand that we are not exaggerating when we use words like "terrified." I hope that your treatment works, and if not, that you find something else soon that does. Please keep me posted, as I have never tried anything like that before.

My field of study, the natural sciences, is very hands-on, with many classes having outdoor labs. There are not very many courses that can be taken online. I have considered doing the three-days-a-week thing, because having at least one day off every week would do wonders for me, but the downside is that those three days would be so crammed full of classes that I don't think I could get to the end of the day without a panic attack or a meltdown.

My schedule is nowhere near definite yet (the school has really weird rules about registering for classes--long story), but there is an outside chance I might have Thursdays to myself, which would be awesome. My fingers are crossed.

I will be thinking of you as well next week. Please feel free to PM me anytime.

I'm curious, could you take an online class? I'm taking one next semester, and it might help my stress levels.
Also, you might want to consider a reduced course load, if you can manage one (do you have an IEP?) Or extended time for exams (that one was a life saver)

Although most of the courses I have to take are of the "hands-on" variety and will not work in an online version, I do have a one-credit-hour aquatic organism ID class. Every little bit helps.

Both my therapist and my disability person at school keep suggesting that I take a reduced courseload, but I am already probably going to take three years to complete the last two years of my degree, and we can't afford (money-wise or otherwise) for me to go longer than that. I am going to go full-time again this semester, and if I can't handle it, then I will have two choices. I can either take the reduced load and figure out a way to pay for the extra apartment rent, gas back and forth on weekends, etc., or I will have to just cut my losses, stop going to school, and see if the Vocational Rehab office can help me find a job with only an Associate's degree. No matter what happens, it's all pretty scary.

I seem to do fine without the extended time for taking exams, so that is one bright spot (although I do have to take them in a private, low-distraction room).