Being a boss with ASD

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This is my first posting on the forum, and it's a little different. Most posts here seem to be about dealing with bosses; but what about when you are the boss?

I became a boss rather unintentionally. I started my company about 12 years ago, and in the first few years I did everything myself, working out of my apartment. I really enjoyed the work, as I had full control over everything, and did everything as I wanted it done.

The good, and bad, thing, is that the company became successful. I received more and more orders every year, and by the 2nd year was working myself too much. So, at that point I brought in a family member of mine, who was working in a dead-end job but really good at IT.

For the next few years we got along well, and the company grew and grew. To the point where there are now over 10 employees.

But things started to go really wrong a few years ago. This family member, who earlier always followed instructions, started to develop ideas of their own about how things should be run. Working with another employee, they developed all sorts of changes to the procedures and methods I set up years ago. I'll admit that most of their ideas were good (automating various elements), but they would implement these changes without consulting me or asking me. (They claim I say “no” to any change, which I suppose I do.) (The worst was when I came back from vacation and found all the office furniture re-arranged.)

I always prided myself on being able to do any job in the company; with all the changes, and lack of information, now I really have no idea what most of the workers do. If I go to them and say “you're doing that wrong”, I get told that the method changed, and that I'm interfering.

There are more and more arguments with this family member, to the point that I don't even go to the office any more, but work from home. It's such an unpleasant atmosphere, that the stress and anxiety are causing me health issues. (Amongst the rest of the employees, it's all laughs and good relations between them.)

I have told him about my ASD, but he considers it my problem, and sees no need to adapt to it.

At one point there was an argument with the family member in which he claimed there was some problem an employee encountered. I asked why that person hadn't come to talk to me about about it, and he said “you're weird and no one wants to talk to you.”

In another conversation he said “your ideas are all stupid.”

Stupid or not, it's my company, and yet I have practically lost all control over it. No one does as I ask, and I get constant arguments against everything I propose. The latest thing is that the family member demanding I give a job to his girlfriend's sister.

The best thing would be to get rid of him; but, he's the “IT guy” and as such has all the computer passwords and wrote all the programs that run our system. At the best he'd leave without documenting anything; at worst he could leave and sabotage the system the company runs on.

The company is very profitable, and I'll admit that many of the changes this person made have been good. But, I cannot understand how these people show zero respect to the person who pays them. Wherever I have worked in the past, if the boss said “jump”, you'd ask “how high?” and that was the end of it.

I'd really be interested in some of your thoughts on this situation. Thank you!

I think you need to have a discussion with each of your employees, one on one, and explain the issues you're having. If they refuse to respect you as their boss, you're going to have to replace them with people who will actually work with you.

Welcome. I can identify with much of what you're saying. I'm a boss as well and at times have had to manage as many employees as you have. I didn't start my company, my Dad did, but I've been president and have been running the company for over ten years working at this business for nearly twenty.

I was raised with a very strong work ethic, and was taught in some of the first jobs I had in my youth that you're paid by the company you work for to....work. You're not paid to chit chat, use the computer or phone for personal reasons, etc. Work hard while you're "on the clock", then go home and come back and do it again. If you don't like the job, find another one. That's what I was taught. That's what I believe. I am very black and white in my thinking in regard to work.

I can also empathize with you in regard to your IT person. We had our only IT employee years ago when we had a dedicated physical server and network. He was very hard to deal with and felt he had leverage knowing all the passwords and the network. I told him that we we needed to make a disaster plan which, among other things, involved needing to have all admin passwords and access info to the computers, server, network, etc written down. We could NOT have only one person with knowledge of those things. It wasn't realistic to keep all of that knowledge with a person since something could happen to them. It was not acceptable for the company to be in jeopardy that way. He balked at first. I told him it was such an important issue to the company to have the information written down that his continued employment would be contingent upon documenting that information. He relented. He left our employ shortly after.

My biggest struggle with dealing with employees has always been the personal and emotional aspects of working with a group. Anyone in management for any length of time will understand that often, sadly, I feel like a babysitter or a parent to children. Dealing with office politics, having to deal with personal arguments and tiffs one employee may have with another, having to confront employees who selfishly take advantage of their position and use company time for personal things regularly, etc. Those are routine challenges any manager has. I think it's doubly hard for me since I'm so black and white on the work issue. In my mind, I'm coming from a position of: "You're at work. You're being paid to work, not play. Just do your damn job. Is it really so hard for you to understand that?"

You're not in the U.S. You mentioned the IT person is a family member and you're worried if you push them they may sabotage the business, crippling it? In the U.S., an employee doing such a thing may not be subject to criminal charges (not sure on that) but could absolutely be sued for purposely damaging a business that way. That would be a big deal.

I wish you the best and congratulate you on your success.

If things become untenable for you and you simply can't resolve the issues, you may have to sell your company and do something else.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk about more about management in depth.

There seems to be no work ethic any more, which is another issue that bothers me. All the time my workers are on their phones, doing Facebook, etc. I mentioned this to my family member, suggesting that we block all that, and his answer was "young people expect it these days".

When I was getting started in business, you'd never take a personal phone call in work unless it was a family emergency!

I'm in my mid-50s, all the other workers around 30 or under.

I had another e-mail attack from this family member, with gems such as:

*"you're toxic to the company"
*"You're not a business partner to work with, you're a dictator. You are holding the company back in the name of your sick ideology."
*"Whenever you step in you're creating a chaos everywhere and in the end we're suffering from it."

I can tell I won't be sleeping tonight.

As a frequent supervisor within my various "jobs" over the years, I learned that: 1) whether I liked it or not, if subordinates improve the functioning of their own jobs (and sometimes others' jobs), I would incorporate the improvements immediately, and praise the subordinate because it encourages "thinking outside the box," something that benefits everyone; 2) if the improvements have flaws, I would asked the subordinate to find a way to fix the flaws because this shows the subordinate that mistakes happen, and the subordinate needs to be accountable for his or her own mistakes; and 3) rinse and repeat with all subordinates. Everyone has ideas that could help, so don't ignore an idea that works.

By doing these things, I became a friendly boss who my subordinates liked a lot, and I did very little but encourage them. I realized that I couldn't do their work for them, and enjoyed letting them find ways to make their jobs easier and more productive.

The family member seems to think they are a partner - a technical term in business. Is he? Is the business structure a partnership, a sole proprietorship, or a corporation?

I sure HOPE you didn't make them a partner. If they are an employee, you need to have a frank discussion in which you let them know you need a backup or disaster plan for the IT infrastructure, as suggested by Magna. And they also need to know you will replace them if they continue to undermine your authority with other employees.

Yeah I know these things are HARD TO SAY if you are autistic, but so what. Do it anyway. Practice in front of a mirror if you need to. Do some deep breathing during the conversation.

If you did make them a partner, or it's a corporation and they have as much voting share as you, you'll have to do it differently.

After you have confronted this very difficult situation - which is largely of your own making - you will be a more effective boss in the future. Good luck.

BeaArthur,

It's a sole proprietorship. Last year, in an attempt to satisfy him, I did give the family member a profit-sharing plan. But it is a gentleman's agreement, no signed contract.


Yesterday I proposed to him a face to face meeting (we work in different locations), to sort out our personal differences (without getting into company details). He refused this this morning, saying "I don't really want to talk about anything 1:1 because I've learnt that whatever is said during such conversations vanishes from your memory after 5 minutes. You want a 1:1 conversation and later you will use that against me"

Last night I didn't sleep at all with this going around and around in my head, and had heart palpitations from the anxiety, which continue even this afternoon.

What will happen if you just fire him? Is there another employee who has access to the passwords, etc?

You have an impossible situation here. He acts like he owns the business. I suggest you consult a business attorney which you may have to do anyway to settle any claims the family member may make on profit sharing.

You definitely have to get rid of him one way or another. If he refuses even to meet with you face-to-face, there is no hope of influencing him to work things out with you. The trick will be to get the IT structure intact and accessible. Maybe hire a person with the title of IT manager and this person's job description will be to take over that aspect of the company? Family-member won't be happy about it, but his happiness is not your concern.

Depending on your age and other things, you might also just sell the company! He can go along for the ride!