Panic and anxiety

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I used to be a very calm and non-anxious person. Finished my PhD in AI/mathematics a few years ago. I'm a great worker, creative, fast, brutal, when I can get into that aspie focused-obsessed-the-world-outside-no-longer-exists zone. Thing is, ever since I started working (I program AI for a bit gaming company, work area is open, no cubicles or closed offices), I can't get into that zone. There's too many people talking, invading my space, making noise, breathing, sneezing, yawning, typing (clickety-clack-clack), it raises my fight or flight reflex, and I'm not even talking about the forced social interactions here (those can inflict terror on me). I can deal with a certain amount of all that, always did, at school, anywhere there's crowds, etc. So, for the first few months, I sort of coped. I did output some good work, but I felt so drained when I got home that I could not do anything, it took all my energy to try and get back to a calm state. After a year, I cracked. One friday night, I started to panic, I thought I was dying, and it lasted 48h, found myself at the psychiatric emergency, they gave me some anti-psychotics and the panic went away for a little while (hours). Even since then (about 6 months ago), I find myself the victim of multiple panic attacks per week, a major depression, and general insurmountable anxiety (I try as much as possible to not rely on pills, they have a diminishing return and the withdrawal is pretty bad, whether they be the anti-psychotics or the benzodiazepines e.g. valium, rivotril, etc.). The whole thing was cumulative. I feel like I'm going insane. Now they want to put me on some pretty heavy medication, the idea of which I find disgusting. I have to be drugged (cognitively impaired, along with a bunch of other crazy side-effects), just to be able to cope with this work environment. This is a crime, because I CAN work, I am NOT disabled, I HAVE proven my worth. And all just to make enough money to live in an ok appartment and able to reimburse my substantial student loans. The anxiety is getting so bad I'm starting to suffer from a bunch of physical symptoms (hair loss, insomnia, night terrors, headaches, dry mouth). I have no idea what to do. When suicide starts popping up in lists of possible solutions to your situation... I don't know how to finish this sentence, the idea of it scares me. Right now I'm so out of energy, I feel like roadkill that's not quite dead yet. I don't want disability, I can contribute to much to mankind, as a scientist and as a musician, but right now I can't. To be able to create my greatest work I need a work environment that's sane, to me. I hate this society or ours. I'm starting to want to destroy it all, become a super-villain. Wipe all the lying and [] hypocrisy off the face of this planet. Sorry for the brash language, rage is not a delicate muse.

I could, after, perusing your post, suggest somewhat flippantly that you channel your angst into your work. Or, if that's not possible, create a hobby for the same purpose. Let's say you write program - create a program with a story that, I don't know, has a futuristic rebel warrior that kills people in offices. To use a simplified example.

However, it is a rather flippant suggestion and if that doesn't apply then you may need to re negotatiate your work conditions. Make it clear to your supervisors that they can get full productivity out of you if you can have optimal work conditions. I would think these optimal conditions could increase your potential in roughly an exponential manner.
If necessary, and you feel it might be helpful, perhaps you could get a psychologist or professional to provide a supporting document. If there's an Aspergers specialist nearby (and sorry, I haven't actually read your profile so I don't know if that's your diagnosis, or not - it just sounds like it is) they would probably recommend specific conditions designed to minimise the sensory disturbances and interruptions you describe.

That's just my opinion; I empathise with sensory stuff in workplaces.

Your problem seems to stem from your work environment. Tell them you need a private office because the distractions are causing your problems focusing and the resulting anxiety. If they value your productivity, they'll find a room somewhere to put you.

Yes, the work environment is causing me more anxiety than I can deal with. I've tried meditation, physical exercise, playing musical instruments. And they all help alleviate some of the accumulated anxiety, but it's not enough. The weekends are not enough either, and I can't see or talk to anyone anymore, I need to shut off my phone and isolate myself weeknights and weekends. So I'm losing the few friends I had. I lost my girlfriend.
It's not a bad idea to channel the angst into creative work, but when you're in a panic attack you're not functional enough to channel anything, your only goal is feel OK again. It's animalistic.

I've seen psychiatrists and their solution was the drugs, which I reject. But maybe I could ask them to write something I could present to my managers. Thing is, I work in a big company (I'd rather not say which, but think EA scale-wise), and they tend to homogenize the way they treat their employees. And I'm afraid if I expose the Asperger's diagnostic that it will only give them a reason to fire me.

But, if I had an office to myself, my productivity would be nuts, exponential is the word, yes.
Right now though, I'm not worried about my productivity being low, I'm worried about my health.

Unfortunately, so called "open office plans" are becoming the normal or standard working environment. (I hate them as well.) In terms of dealing with the noise, have you tried ear plugs, and / or noise reducing headphones? They will not eliminate all of the noise, but they will dampen it. (In case you are not already of aware of it, there is a trick to correctly installing ear plugs.) I suspect that the typical employer would be willing to allow you to wear ear plugs. Having your own office or working from home would be nice, but I suspect that the typical employer is less likely to go along with either of those. (In theory, disability legislation in some countries requires employers to make "reasonable accommodations", and makes it more difficult for them to fire you. How well such legislation works in practice is another matter.)

Some people on the spectrum are able to successfully adapt to, and survive in, the typical office environment with its disruptions, forced social interactions, politics, etc.. I am not one of them and hence I work a low level job that is unrelated to what I studied. I am sorry to write this, but I fear you may need to start thinking about finding a different job. Hopefully you can find something with a better environment that is still in your field of interest and expertise.

Either way, I hope your health improves.

I can wear earplugs, even listen to music all day if I want to. It does eliminate the noise. But I'm still permeated by this general anxiety field from just being in the same room with all those people. I'm going to go insane if this situation is allowed to go on. OK, so they could not fire me based on the AS, but they would find some other things to pin on me so they could get rid of me. I would get another job, but my enormous student loan forces me to have a decent med-high-paying job. I was not meant to work in this corporate environment. If any of you have an idea on how to make 100,000$ quick, please enlighten me, because at this rate, with living expenses and high interest rates, I'll be done paying this debt in about 12 years. I will not survive that long.

You need to document your AS and demand reasonable accommodation in the workplace. Fight for your sanity, fight for your job.

That's all you can do. If you get fired because the work environment causes problems with your AS, it will look as if you can't do the job when it's a lack of accommodation for your disability.

They might not be able to change their open-office plan, but they might let you telecommute. Get your AS documented, provide the documents to your company's HR office, then ask for accomodations.

Years ago, I knew of a guy who graduated from law school with a lot of debt, and got a "good" job at a major law firm. Unfortunately, he soon discovered that he hated the job. So he cut back on his expenses as much as possible in order to pay off the debt faster. ("Keep your overhead low" - Jack Kerouac.) He also started using cognitive-behavioural stress reduction techniques and antidepressant medication to cope with the negative psychological effects. (I know you dislike medication, but the right drug[s] at the right dose works for some people.)

Another option for you to consider if you end up having to quit your job, or if you are fired, is to stop paying off your debt and file for bankruptcy protection. I strongly urge you to consult a personal bankruptcy attorney before trying that. In some places this option is relatively easy to do, with few negative consequences for you. By contrast, in Dubai they would throw you in prison.

Bankruptcy laws are pretty lenient in Canada, and I would have filed for but unfortunately it's not a viable option. Half of that debt is a governmental student loan, which is not affected by bankruptcy, and the other half is a bank loan, that was originated when I was a 20 year old graduate student and was co-signed by my mother, thus she too would have to file bankrupt. I talked to lawyers, accountants and all, no solution in sight. f**k, even if I die, my mom will inherit a $50K debt.
I was seeing a very good psychologist for CBT, but since it cost so much I had to stop 7 sessions in. It was doing me loads of good though. I'm now waiting in the public system to see if I can get some other therapist for free (medicare).
The thing I have against the drugs is I would only be taking them in order to build a nice cushy cotton padded bubble around me, a way to not feel all that anxiety directly. And all that in order to whore myself to pay off an absurd debt. That is no way to live. I'd be like a domesticated milk-cow doing it for no other reason than "I'm force to."
And right now, every day is one day too many, every day is worse than the last. I'm losing all interest in life, because I have no quality of life. It's gonna kill me before I'm 40. One way or another. I feel like I'm game over. If this was a video game I would have pressed reset by now. It's my fault in a way, not enough foresight. But I did love to do my PhD, the pure research, that was REAL work.
Hell. My life is worth $100,000. Isn't that just f*****g absurd?

hang in there. I am feeling the same thing with my job. Trying hide and repress certain....thoughts. I do not want to end up in the hospital or losing my mind. Psychologist wanted me to see psychiatrist for med change. Went to one under my insurance after much waiting. guy was crazy told me there was no way i was autistic because I wasnt ret*d and I went to college. Called original doc who referred me to someone...dont care if i have to pay. Called and they said they would call with an appointment time. No call. I am currently awaiting court for a ticket I got when some guy hit my car FROM BEHIND....3rd time going for this. last time i was there from 9:30 to 6pm!! ! called lots of numbers to try and get help. i dont want a meltdown in front of the judge...again. Today I have to go to the principals office to justify the reasons i fail students. This is because i teach at a school in philadelphia where the kids just dont care.
I feel like I'm losing it.
I know its tough but you are not alone. I think that is the only thing holding me together.