Please help! Need to work harmoniously with an Aspie

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Hello,

May I apologize upfront for any unintended misunderstanding I may have about Asperger's as I explain my dilemma? I'm frantically trying to learn about the condition but in the meantime need immediate guidance. I hope you can help.

Here's the background: I work at a Silicon Valley tech company on the user experience team. While we generally aren't required to have the technical skills of, say, an engineer, we are expected to know enough to ask the right kinds of questions at the right time during projects. Our strengths are more on the creative side, where we apply the rules we learn as interaction designers to real human experiences. Our shop works in Agile/Scrum (sorry, tried to post a link to wikipedia in case you aren't familiar with Agile but I'm too new to post URLs), which means we iterate quickly, very fluidly, and often in parallel other teams (as opposed to a more traditional waterfall approach, where one team completes a task and hands off to another team). We have scheduled meetings, but our brainstorming sessions are often impromptu, and fly fast and furious.

Here's the situation: We hired an interaction designer late last summer whom we now suspect has Asperger's but did not divulge it to the team or to HR upon hire. At first, we noticed odd little things -- this designer could only follow hard and fast interaction design rules without seeming to understand when to ask whether the rule should be followed or modified or being extremely weird about other people accessing his file and accusing those people of making mistakes (essentially, demanding perfection in order to work in his files while not executing perfection himself).

Then we noticed that he would not accept any feedback that did not support 100 percent adoption of rules , and would not speak to select members of the team (even when spoken to). It at first seemed directed at women, then it progressed to anyone who challenged any of his work on any level. I should say that our work is discussed, evaluated and iterated upon by all team members all the time... it's just the way it is in a creative shop. But it was more than not engaging... if the discussion wasn't about the rules but more about the thought processes or creative aspects (inspiration, engagement, etc.) we found that he was unable to have even the simplest conversation.

And these conversations were one sided, emotionally. "Emotionally" feels like too strong a word, but our interactions felt as if we were talking to a shell. It's hard for me to write that since I have suffered from depression myself and have often felt like a shell, barely functioning... but that's what it's like talking with him. No empathy, no expression, nothing beyond a monotone (that has been present from the start).

Reviews of his work always result in delays in his project because he gets so bogged down in random details that he completely misses the bigger questions. Review meetings will drag on as he argues the minute details of a minor aspect... he will say the same things each time as if he a) never said it before or b) we didn't understand (at this point, it does get insulting to have him explain to a PhD what "heuristic" means, as if the PhD had never encountered the concept).

And he is never able to start a discussion at the appropriate point -- he must always begin a review session at the very beginning, regardless of whether the team has agreed and moved on. If an observation or an alternate idea is pursued by a team member (which is normal) and brought to the table, the whole project painfully and dramatically stops as he finds himself unable to comprehend more than one idea track at a time... at that point, he usually complains to a manager that his team is conspiring against him. Many, many meetings must be held at that point in order for him to find all the details he thinks he needs to complete documentation (when for the rest of us, it's a couple of casual conversations to get up to speed). His work has been redone more than a couple of time to give it more feeling, to answer the more important project questions... when that happens, he claims his work has been compromised and he can no longer be responsible for any part of it.

(Sorry, this is getting so long. I apologize, but I clearly need to get this off my chest)

Now we come down to his daily routine. In at precisely 8 and leaves at precisely 4:30 every day and says he must go to class. He takes his lunch at precisely the same time every day, and will reject all meeting requests (no matter how senior the requestor) if it interferes. Twice a day, he prepares the same snack which apparently is in a bowl or a mug that he also clangs 25 times, each time he eats this snack. We know it's 25 times because it's very loud and it's twice a day for eight months so we've taken to counting.

Noise is an interesting thing with him. He cannot abide it from anyone else and wears headphones most of the time (the headphone part is not unusual in our industry), but makes a great deal of noise himself without seeming to understand how very loud he is. He cannot abide anyone casually approaching his desk, and always appears startled (again, getting startled happens a lot when you wear headphones, but one is usually good natured/social about it). If any of our meetings veer into the social, he will promptly leave. Most of all, he appears to have no interest in developing any sort of social relationship with anyone on our team. Zero small talk, not even to respond to a "Hey, M, did you have a good weekend?"

I should also note at this point that his boss has told him point blank that it's part of his role to get up and talk to people, to gather input and feedback and to be flexible enough to adapt quickly. But unless his boss does it every.single.day, it falls by the wayside quickly, usually with a "I didn't know I needed to do that" kinds of explanation.

If he were a rock star designer we'd just say he had a sh***y attitude that has been catered to because of his talent. But he shows real gaps in critical thinking and in making the human connections necessary to create more than just functional web pages. We have agonized for months, first asking what "we" did to piss him off, or if we didn't onboard him efficiently. Then we wondered if it was a cultural thing ( he is first generation Japanese American). And we'd work to include him, even though we would, literally, be ignored as we spoke to him.

Then we began to wonder if he's just a mean, anti-social person who doesn't have a place on our team... but we realized that he's not mean. There's something wrong. And we began to wonder why and that's when we hit on Asperger's. But if he is an Aspie and he hasn't told us, what now? He is seriously on his final thread (though he may not realize it), and there are people on our team who hope he doesn't disclose it so we can get rid of him.

But still, I wonder... if it is Asperger's, is there a way he can continue to work with us? Right now, we do a lot of workarounds when it comes to him, just to get our stuff done (which he talks about over and over when he discovers it). And I'm not sure how to accommodate someone with Asperger's in an creative environment, where there is a lot of dissection of one's work and a lot of quick iteration. Lots of discussions on the fly, lots of "OK, let's go try it right this minute..." kinds of experiences (which our group thrives on).

And what about emotionally? Does his hurt his feelings to know (if he even realizes) that he is driving us crazy and some would be happy to see him leave? Is speaking to him directly about tasks the best way to handle it while shielding him from the more creative brainstorming sessions (even if it means he won't advance in any meaningful way) so as to not overload him? Do we go to HR with our concerns so a meaningful conversation can happen... and does that mean we are stuck with him if we find that he is truly not a fit for this job?

Oh, and if we do go to HR and they aren't familiar with the disorder, are there training materials to be found somewhere to help us?

At Christmas, I told the team that if we drew for Secret Santa that I wanted his name, regardless. I've never heard him say anything personal but once, he made a reference to a book that almost felt personal -- it was so out of place for him that I remembered the name and thought I should get it for him for Christmas so he would know, on some level, that he was listened to. It wasn't acknowledged.

Anyone, with any insights are most welcome to comment. I'm even bracing myself for flaming, but I hope you won't. I know I've been complaining here but we have agonized over this.

You should be aware that there are other things that can be similar to AS, but are not AS. This includes other autistic spectrum disorders, such as high functioning autism (HFA), and pervasive development disorder not otherwise specified (PDD-NOS). There are also schizophrenia spectrum disorders (not all of them involve psychosis) that can present in a similar fashion to AS, such as schizoid personality disorder, schizotypal personality disorder, and prodromal, or latent schizophrenia.

If he actually thinks his team is conspiring against him in a particularly clandestine and sinister way, then that would be more consistent with schizoid personality disorder as they don't have actual psychosis but tend to be paranoid or suspicious of others and this hinders them socially.

Let's assume for a moment he did have AS though. You have to understand that people with AS are so by the book because they have a difficult time determining when the rules can be bent. For all he knows, he can get in serious trouble for breaking a rule. In fact, many people with AS HAVE gotten into serious trouble for breaking a rule at the behest of others, when they have seen nearly everyone else get away with it. An example might be jay walking. People jaywalk all the time, but inevitably it's the person with AS who is going to get the $150 ticket for it.

I've been fired from jobs for doing exactly what I was told, and nothing I was never told to do, and for doing something I wasn't told to do but I thought that it was common sense that I do. It's very frustrating and rather unfair to expect a person to be able to anticipate such things.

My opinion is, if a rule isn't followed, it either needs to be enforced better or shouldn't be a rule. If it's something which requires pragmatism, it should be called a guideline.

Concerning needing to start things from the beginning, a lot of people with autistic spectrum disorders have some type of processing disorder. He may need to start things from the beginning as to not be disoriented. In other words, starting from the beginning helps him get his bearings, assuming he has AS.

Concerning some of the other communication issues, if a person with AS cannot understand what you expect of them, thats a very good indicator that you have a communication issue in that you don't clearly articulate yourself, needs,and expectations.

I once worked at a place where, when I was hired, it was casually mentioned to me that they didn't have a secretary but "You know, we all just try to do our part around the office *hand wave*" I suddenly found my senior co-workers and boss getting annoyed with me for not doing things I was apparently supposed to do, that was never articulated to me that it was my responsibility to do them, such as ordering new office supplies when I didn't even know what needed to be ordered and didn't have the account information. Apparently I was supposed to magically figure this out from a note on a mail box on a spare desk.

Imagine you get an invitation to an event and when you ask what to wear you are told "Oh, just wear something nice!" In reality, the host or hostess has something a little morespecific in mind that they have not articulated to you.

In my current field, which has a high prevalence of those on the spectrum, we tend to not have such communication issues. Everything is articulated clearly.

Concerning his refusal to speak to his co-workers, when spoken to, it could be that someone told him, or he read somewhere that he is not to socialize while working. It may also be a processing issue. When I'm doing a task I'm not very familiar with, in an new environment in which certain performance standards are expected, I can't socialize. I must focus 100% on my work because like many on the spectrum, I am not good at task switching. But if this isn't the case with him, and he is blatantly ignoring others when spoken to, because he has negative feelings about them, AS or not, that is not acceptable. This is something one of his superiors should speak to him about and try to get to the bottom of.

That he takes his lunch break at the same time every day despite senior meeting requests...

There are a few things to consider if he has AS.
1. People with AS need a lot of time to themselves, to let their mind do what they tend to do, and in a work place or school environment, they can only get this vital time on designated breaks.

2. Either the law or company policy says he is entitled to a lunch break, so I don't see anything wrong with him taking it. It is his right and he is exercising it. If when he takes his break conflicts with company needs, then it should be communicated to him that he can take his breaks but he might have to work them around meetings.

That he clangs his bowel 25 times, this kind of sounds like an OCD thing. In fact, OCD can alternatively describe some of his other behaviors, such as having to start at the beginning of something, or getting upset with people accessing things in his work space. OCD shouldn't be confused with perfectionism. OCD used to be called the doubting disease because it can give people a sense of doubt that they completed a task or completed it properly, such as locking doors and turning stoves off. They can also have what is known as "magical thinking" where, though they know it's silly, they may get the sensation, for example, that if they use the blue pen instead of the black one, a friend will die. These irrational fears are called intrusive thoughts, or obsessions, and can result in people with OCD doing things that don't seem to make sense (rituals), and may get upset when they are interrupted. OCD can be co-morbid with AS but should not be confused with AS rituals or special interests.

I think one of his bosses should sit down with him and talk these things over. If I were his boss I would probably say that I noticed he seemed to be having difficulty adjusting and that I didn't want to have to let him go and would rather work with him to rectify these issues if possible.

If there is a company psychologist or counselor, they might be called on board.

I can see your frustration here. Your team has obviously done a lot to try and help this guy to be part of the team. Many of us don't disclose because we feel that we will be passed over regardless of how we interview but sometimes people don't know they have it either.

It seems that this guy may also have OCD co-morbid with something else, it may not Aspergers or it may be.

It is also possible that (if he knows) he thinks he is hiding his social difficulties by not trying to be friendly. Some of us have great difficulty learning social skills, in part, because (I think) we use a different part of our brains to the average person to process the social skills (making it slower that usual). Some of us can't learn social skills at all and some others can but believe they can't.

Personally, reading body language, listening to the words and giving a correct response can really tire me out. I can fake normal for a while (two to three hours) but sometimes I feel like going to bed after, even when I enjoy the socialising. When I worked during college, I had to have lunch to myself because I wasn't able to deal with clients and co-workers if I didn't have that space.

From what you're saying, this guy has less social ability that me and thus may get tired a lot more easily from emotional sources. So he may not be being intentionally rude there, he may be trying to 'recharge' at lunch.

Anyways, has anyone asked him directly if he has Aspergers? If any of this has been helpful to you, feel free to pm me.

TLDR! =P

if he can't do the job and is just slowing the team down, well then he might need to find a new job. In terms of the criticism of his work, I know personally for me I don't mind constructive criticism, in fact I love it. but if the criticism is just along the lines of "nope that's wrong do it like this" and the way you show me how to do it seems inefficient or wrong in my mind, I will fight it to the end. Beside that I always am looking for a way personally to get a job done in a quicker more efficient way so if someone else can help me achieve that goal I will at least listen to what they have to say.

For small talk, I'll be completely honest I only engage in small talk when prompted and will seek to end it as quickly as possible. It just simply isn't my thing especially at work there are most likely more pressing matters to talk about, if you really wanna know how my weekend was we can go grab a beer after work and I'll tell you all about it.

As for ignoring people that is a tricky one, Even in group situations I wont respond to every comment directed at me with a verbal cue, sometimes I don't feel the need to say anything about what you said so I won't. Now that being said I have trained myself to at least nod or acknowledge the statement somehow least people think I'm ignoring them, maybe he hasn't gotten to that point yet.

those are just the point that really stood out, be I do remember reading through the post and saying to myself to a lot of the things that AS wouldn't really excuse that. There are some AS traits but in all honesty I remember you mention hes first gen Japanese American, that describes it a lot better then AS does in most the cases.

In any case it seems like you and your team are well pass the point were you can make it work with this new member, even if he did correct his behavior it seems there would be a lot of problems that just wouldn't go away. Your best better is to find a new member and start fresh, maybe this department of your company is just not the place for him.

I'm reminded of the saying 'can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen'.

I mean, it does sound like it could be AS, but that's not the company's problem. If his routines mean that he's not attending meetings, or his way of thinking means he's not doing the job he's being paid to do, then he really shouldn't be in that job.

All telling human resources will do is make it impossible to fire him. He won't change; he'll keep dragging the team down, and because he will have a 'disability', you guys will just have to put up with him.

You guys could maybe give him a heads up though, so he knows something needs to change. Alternatively (if you can), just refuse to go along with his demands. Don't go over a project from the start all over again. Explain that you have deadlines and he needs to catch up.

I normally would not respond, but hey you are in my general field. So hi!

I want to give you my input as a non-practicing attorney familiar with labor law, a fellow IT person who does everything from strategical planning, analysis, policy and design (I wear alot of hats ), and somebody on the spectrum (PDD-NOS).

If you suspect a disability and are discussing it, you probably fall under the American with Disabilities Act already. Likewise even if he did not disclose (which he has a right not too, let me make that perfectly clear) he would still probably be covered under this right now. It is very tricky navigating this from here on out. Because you brought up the possibility of a disability whether you address the subject to him directly or not, you still probably fall under the ADA. From everything you are saying it sounds like a rather restricted and severe form of AS with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (please realize from one designer to another, not everybody on the spectrum is like this), I am not diagnostician, so this is just a guess from what you are saying. There is kind of an internal rule, you meet one person with autism, you meet one person with autism, some of us are wonderful creative and analytical thinkers who would be able to handle a design job with ease (myself included), others this is not really the work they were meant for. Also just because somebody is covered by the ADA does not mean you cannot lay them off, that is a bit of a misnomer, if somebody is not performing in thier job, the ADA does not necessarily protect them if they are not doing thier job. It allows for reasonable accomidations to be made not for bad job performance.

Here is my advice. You are probably already under the ADA, it has been discussed, even if you have not brought it up directly with him its out there right now. The ADA has this concept of "Reasonable Accomidation". For me a reasonable accomidation is an office spot where I am not looking at anybody directly. It is a quirky minor thing that helps me out. For some people on the spectrum this is limiting business interactions to email and other written forms as they struggle with in person verbal communication. Try to think of a way that this person can be used and be productive. The thing is reasonable accomidations must be reasonable, and this may be where there is a sticking point. If one is not really performing up to task and have poor performance reviews where you are repeating work, while at the same time making said reasonable accomidation they still can be laid off. This makes the situation difficult, because it may be they are not right for the job in some way to begin with.

My advice. Talk to your corporate counsel and HR department about this. You are already in a very tricky spot. My advice is to try to move him out of your department and team if he does not mesh well already. If he can be laterally reassigned to someplace he would fit better that may help this situation significantly and avoid legal issues.

Also as somebody pointed out there is a difference between a rule and a guideline. But anybody familiar with Agile understands its meant to be flexible and fluid way to do project management, it is not meant to be rules based and neither is design in general. To me this is not an Aspie issue, but the person not understanding the job in some ways, in this respect you may have cause to lay him off irregardless of the ADA implications. You are not supposed to get your heart set on anything in design because it may have to change, policy and strategic planning I can tell you are the same in this regard. When I do design using Agile I try to think of it as a living document and guidelines, it helps me me gain the perspective to write the requirements and not get too attached to them as they may change. I don't see the design process, especially with Agile, as rule based, its meant to be flexible. This is just my perspective so take it with a grain of salt. It seems to me something didn't really sink in when learning he was learning how to do Agile. From my experience working in the field is to be flexible and pragmatic, but he may have not learned the same lessons. This may be an issue with his education but also something he may have carried over from a previous job.

Basically even if you were to lay him off you still have to talk to HR and corporate counsel anyway. I don't think the ADA issue will be the problem, unless you did want to keep this person and would like to improve the situation. He may just not have the right skills and understanding for the job to begin with.

Chronos was very good at laying out some potential issues going on as well. This is a complicated situation, and I feel for you.