Opinions / Workplace Discrimination?

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Hi. This is my first post.

I was diagnosed with AS about a year ago and only briefly mentioned something to my boss verbally once about it until recently. Recently, my boss has told me that I've been argumentative, though she has been mostly unable to provide examples. The examples provided (two) are extremely tenuous, even allowing for the fact that I wouldn't necessarily understand them even if the case against me was solid

Anywho. For some stupid reason, I decided to tell her last week that I have AS. Previously, when I asked for specific examples of times that I had been argumentative, she got annoyed and never provided them. So I told her about AS so that she didn't think I was just being difficult when I asked for specifics. At first, she thanked me for letting her know and it seemed pretty positive...

Then over the next week, her communication became erratic and very aggressive. I thought that we had gained new ground in mutual understanding but she kept becoming suddenly rash with me and accusing me of "debating" her when I thought we were only have a conversation.

It came to a head yesterday, when she actually put me on a formal "coaching plan," which will be sent to our HR department for tracking. The plan actually includes a threat of termination if I don't improve. It still doesn't provide any examples.

So, I haven't slept in two days. You can imagine I have a lot of thoughts and questions, but the main one is this: have any of you ever encountered a strongly negative reaction from your boss when you told them about your AS? I've read in other places (after the fact) that a lot of AS individuals report flat-out discrimination when they come clean about the condition.

It's just hard for me to accept that since I previously had a mostly positive relationship with my boss and thought we were making progress. It also occurred to me that maybe she thought I was lying or trying to position myself for legal protection or something. I just don't know. She mentioned my "structured communication needs" (?) and also said that she would look into "accommodations."

I think she may have misinterpreted the information and thought that I was asking for something, so I clarified twice that I only needed specific examples when she didn't like my communication style. Then she put me on what is essentially a written warning.

So... any thoughts/similar experiences?

Thanks!

Sounds like you don't agree with her.

How very astute.

When she sent me the coaching plan, I told her that I thought she was using the wrong format and I sent her a link to an updated template. She told me that was inappropriate, but her reason seemed to be that she thought she had the right template already. Whether or not she had the right template isn't really related to whether it's appropriate or not for me to tell her it was wrong. I suppose we're not seeing eye-to-eye on that one but that's hardly a reason for disciplinary action.

So you are going to tell the hangman before he hangs you that his knot he uses to tie the rope is wrong?

If your point is that it's irrelevant, I don't agree. Since we're still on the same team even if she's writing me up, she may want to know that she's doing it wrong. On the other hand, I suppose your point is that the template doesn't negate the action itself, which is true.

But my point in that case wasn't to refute the judgment by refuting the medium. Just to refute the medium. Pretty simple. If you had written a coaching plan in the wrong format and then the individual corrected you, would you tell him or her that the correction was inappropriate, or would you begin a discussion about whether it was the right template? Seems that a discussion of the facts would be more appropriate to me. In other words, I'm concerned that she may be prejudging my communiques based on her perception of the condition.

Or maybe not a perception of the condition but a perception of me in particular.

There are just two kind of bosses, competent ones and wannabes.

A competent boss will primarily judge your performance, skills, and motivation. You didn't mention whether your job requires customer contact or general social skills, but if i got you right the entire problem is taking place exclusively between you and your boss.

This makes me wonder if she might have communication problems herself. Perhaps you are not the first one who stirred them up. She might be at least unconsciously aware that her communication style is vague and insufficient.

Furthermore, she might lack confidence and/or experience in her position. Perhaps other coworkers only shy away from the conflict connected to addressing the issue. That she has called you argumentative could very well be a result of her inability to express herself clearly.

You should tell the HR department that your need for clear instructions has nothing to do with being argumentative, but is about unambiguity.

PTSmorrow, your comments make sense to me.

My job does require social skills, though not customer contact.

Some more detail: she listed four departments that she says have complained about me. This was startling so I again asked for details and this is what she came up with:

The first individual said that something I worked on "took too long" but she didn't even ask them what the task was or any details! Unbelievable that she would include this in a coaching plan without asking for details, especially because the template itself mandates that the feedback be SMART (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, Time-bound). Plus, even if I "took too long" to do something, that has nothing to do with communication.

The second individual she said FOUR MONTHS AGO told her that I "ask too many questions." Again, wuh? Also, once again, no details whatsoever regarding what I was asking about. Part of me doesn't even believe this one happened, since this department in question is only two people and I work closely with them everyday with no issues.

The third individual told her that I told him he isn't doing his job right via an instant message. This frankly didn't happen and fortunately I had a transcript of the conversation with the full context. He was challenging an area of my job that overlapped his own responsibilities. My boss actually defended me at the time it happened but she didn't realize it was the same incident that was reported to her in a different context, so that example is totally nullified but still in the plan.

The fourth individual was my boss for about a month and was transferred to another department after that short time, partially because he was sucking so bad. And yes, I disagreed with him at times because he was making decisions that made the whole department look bad. My current boss (that put me on a plan) even agrees with me that he was not a good fit for the role.

I openly disagree with the boss on some items but only recently has this bothered her (she was promoted about a month ago and now has about twice the work or more). She used to be open to criticism, like I am with my direct reports. So I think maybe she's at a point that any extra communication is deemed "difficult" for her.

After writing all of this and seeing the total lack of coherence, I get the impression that she is positioning me for dismissal by essentially fabricating a problem. I guess I'm singled out because I don't "go with the flow" when something doesn't look right. She also mentioned that she put someone else on a plan this week.

And the final "wuh?" component is that she is pushing me for promotion at the same time. Just bizarre.

Also, I just realized that the two individuals in the plan that I actually have disagreed with were both my bosses at the time. This is because I was previously comfortable expressing my concerns to those who I report to (it should be this way). If I had expressed disagreement in the same manner with the other parties, I would agree that it wouldn't have been the right approach. So maybe I went over the line with the boss at some point and she has convinced herself that it's a widespread problem, since I told her about AS. Or maybe she's just mad at me and gunning for me now, vindictive-like.

She is probably overwhelmed by the job AND if you look at the fourth individual, she might be scared by the idea to share the former's boss fate. Generally a boss should appreciate objective criticism of staff. Another problem for her might be inexperience if she isn't used to this position yet. You know the phenomenon of the fear biter.

I bet the third individual as well as the fact she's pushing you for promotion at the same time will be convincing arguments since both can be proven.

All in all you've done everything right in the interest of your work .

I think this fact makes you kind of dangerous from her perspective. Furthermore, you don't know how she interprets your AS. Some people might pick up only some bits of it and consider us callous, ruthless, mean individuals.

Maybe she is also very self--critical and downright scared by the idea she might become a target for your critics.

More often than not criticism is taken personally by NT's, even though it's not at all meant to hurt or offend them. If you are working for a bigger company or authority, mediation could be helpful. It's quite common that ASD people give a misleading impression.

I can certainly relate to getting more vindictive and passive-aggressive behaviour post-disclosure, it has happened to me - false accusations, excessive and petty criticism (nit-picking), constantly pretending not to understand me just to make me self-doubt, deliberately reducing workload, telling me that others have complained but will not provide any details, etc, etc...I documented everything and took it to HR, who put us both in a layoff round soon after (I guess that was a strategic move on their part...) - my next step would have been taking it to a lawyer for constructive dismissal action.

One question - did your boss ever hear of AS at the time you mentioned it? Mine didn't - she just asked "is there a cure for it?"
I find that those who have never heard of AS are more likely to judge it negatively, and this frequently results in the pattern you mention. Bosses are at least aware that having a disability is illegal grounds for termination, so they will try to invent - or exaggerate - reasons to throw you under the bridge at the next performance review (or to get you to quit). Mine certainly did. It's a very conniving and manipulative behaviour and hard to prove unless you document the abuse and prove that it escalated post-disclosure as a retaliatory measure.

For sure, they can't say "how dare you tell me this now" or "that's just a load of crap" when you tell them of your diagnosis, that's retaliation and harassment - overtly illegal and unethical - but they can, and do, tend to be more covert about the abuse, expecting that you won't "read between the lines" and realize their goal is to cast you out w/o legal repercussions.

So, my advice, in 5 steps:
1) document the abuse, dates/times, witnesses, circumstance...
2) save any surly emails - send them to your personal web address
3) build a case against her, but be objective - emphasise how her behaviour is affecting your productivity and morale, and that you have so much more to contribute if you weren't subjected to this harassment ostensibly based on your ASD (which should be forbidden by most human rights codes in the Western World).
4) arrange a meeting with the HR manager or director - they will ask you if you have attempted to resolve it with the boss directly, so you can honestly reply that she would only accuse you of attitude if you did...
5) at the same time, see if you can get a consultation with a lawyer - may cost you about $100-200 but worth it - find out from a law office if anyone there knows about ASD (just send them an email to find out).

Good luck to you!!

Wow, Jayo. Thanks for the information, but that sucks! I've been at this company four and a half years with an average of one promotion per year and I love working there (for the most part).

Wow. Just wow. I'm really not sure if she was familiar with AS before. She's coming into town for a visit next week (she works remotely) so maybe we'll have a chance to discuss it, though honestly, I'm scared to say anything to her other than "yes, ma'am."

I have never experienced this particular blend of emotions before. It's really something. It's a mixture of embarrassment, anger, fear, helplessness, shame, distrust...

Alright, I guess I'm done riding the self-pity train for the moment.

Fortunately, I think I have a solid case about the post-disclosure escalation, as well as her ignorance of coaching procedure. For example:

1: She mentioned that there is a perception that I'm argumentative (this was the day after I sent an email to her that was admittedly snide, though not excessive).

2: I responded by acknowledging the criticism and asking for examples.

3: She gave me a "theoretical" example of what not to say -?!- so I said, thanks but how about some real examples? Her response was that she would find some and then immediately signed off (this was an instant message conversation).

4: Things are going fine. Two days later, she told me to keep an eye out for a certain position that's opening that she knows I've wanted (and she's the hiring manager).

5: One day after that, she told me I should try for a totally different job that I didn't want (?). Then mentioned a third job (!) that I was interested in previously and tried to get me into classes for a particular software application starting in Feb or Mar, and when I asked about the relevance of that training to the job in question, her response was something like "Fine let's just forget about it," and then quit responding to IM.

6: I sent an email asking if I had said or done something wrong, and she said that I was debating her about the class and that I had started debating her in the last 30 days. I told her that I was only trying to be conversational, and that I hadn't changed in the last thirty days, but that she had gotten promoted exactly 32 days earlier. Her response was that she would send me examples of times that I was argumentative (still, the only example she had provided was the time that asked her why she wanted me in this software training; by the way, I REALLY wanted to be in the class she was talking about, so I definitely wasn't arguing - I just didn't see the relevance to the job in question). No examples sent.

7: Next day, she recommends me for ANOTHER job (fourth in three days) but didn't even say what it was, just that she had recommended me for it (?!?!). Crazy.

8: Day after that, she sends me a response to my original disclosure email from six days prior and says she decided to make accommodations and plan for me.

9: I responded saying thanks for the sentiment but I don't need accommodations; I just need specific examples of times that I'm being argumentative so that I can adjust my communication style. No examples given.

10: She sends me the coaching plan and says in the email that she already sent me examples.

11: I reply telling her that the coaching plan is in the wrong format and I must have misplaced the examples, please resend.

12: She says disputing the format of the plan was an example and we'll talk more examples later.

13: The ONLY example she gave me was the one that she agrees I was in the right on (she didn't realize it was the same incident before).

14: We talk for an hour and half, at the end of which we are on cordial terms but I'm still on a formal coaching plan, pending completion of a survey of my pears to determine areas where I need to improve.

Final point: I asked for examples many times and the two I got are mentioned above (thin as paper). Instead of examples, I got written up. Again, the coaching template itself says to use the SMART format for coaching guidelines. She did not do that.

You know, I am aware that sometimes I can be difficult but this is asinine.