Old coping skills no longer apply?...

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I'm annoyed. I realized the other day that the reason I'm finding it so difficult to deal with my stupid boss is likely because I never learned to deal with people I don't like, at all.

Well, that's kinda broad. I THOUGHT I knew how to deal with people I don't like. In school, I ignored them. It worked great! It's what I was always told to do whenever I told people that others were picking on me, anyway. It's the only advice adults ever had.

Someone called you a name? "Ignore them!"
A group wants to exclude you? "Ignore them! You're better than them, anyway!"
A bully won't leave you alone? "Ignore them! If you must respond, tell them that you won't stoop to their low level. Oh yeah, burnnn! That'll show 'em!"

At a young age I couldn't listen to that advice (which makes sense, since a young child's brain isn't developed enough to resist retaliative urges as extreme as what most bully-victims are subject to.) But eventually yeah, I did ignore them. Then life got good! Well, as good as life while in the crappy US school system can be.

However, I'm now an adult and I have spent 5 years in the working world. Only in the last year have I figured out many of the subtle tricks to office politics. I managed to make use of some of those skills, as well as my knowledge of the way narcissist and psychopaths' minds work in order to avoid getting yelled at by past bosses. But now I'm in a close situation with my bosses (in a small, independent business) and due to the close contact, the things I learned in other situations (where the boss is more of someone that floats around in the distance and comes by a couple times a week) don't seem to apply. I have my idiot boss grating on my nerves daily now, and sometimes it's ONLY me and her in the store. Her disorganized way of thinking comes out when she can barely explain to me how to do a task. She sometimes talks with a condescending attitude and somehow simultaneously thinks I'm a genius and a moron. I can be the most patient person in the world sometimes, but her horrific managing seems to be taking away more of my patience every day.

The other day I was ranting to my boyfriend about her for the 500th time and he told me something that really bugged me. He told me that if I ever wanted to go on and manage, let alone run my own business someday, I'll have to "work on my people skills." I nearly cried. Granted, this was before I told him that I have Asperger's (as I only realized it recently), but it still really bothered me. As I said, I thought I DID have good people skills. At least, I did a lot of work and went through a lot of suffering and stupid mistakes before I became as good as I now (think I) am.

I know, dealing with stupid people and having disorganized bosses are a fact of life. Any idiot that can get a loan from a bank can start their own business, even if they have zero managing experience whatsoever. I hate that we're at their mercy once hired as employees and there's nothing we can do about it. But if the coping skill I've been using to put up with people like this was to just ignore them, what am I supposed to do now that I can't? I was under the impression that I had it all down right. I was never given any indication that I was still doing something wrong, so I had no reason to actually try and get along with them. I don't know what to do. I already felt like I'll never have satisfaction in the job world working under other people. Now that I realize I'll actually have to do more to get along with people even if I were the boss, I fear I will never have any job satisfaction whatsoever. (I also fear being dependent on my partner, as I value my independence and I feel awful even just borrowing money from people. But that's a story for another thread.)

And I had the opposite problem which makes management hate me. I talk back. As a child, people gave me the "ignore them" advice. However, it never worked. It only made these things escalate. So I learned to twist their logic around and outsmart them, they left me alone afterwards. I use my intelligence to wrap around them. Even now I call out hypocrisy when I see it, if someone does something that I morally disagree with...I will call them out on it, etc. I'm not the type of person whom sits back and takes it. To me respect is earned boss or not, elder or not, etc. So I have the hard time to try and keep my filter on.

To your situation, maybe you should stop ignoring it? Don't yell at her or scream at her or say she is annoying. Maybe explain to her that your brain cannot handle the way she comprehends things. Maybe explain that people are different in the way they organize and think. Set up some sort of compromise. People like compromise. Write up a clear and calm e-mail or something. Talk to her about it. There is no harm in that. Or so I believe. I may be giving the worse advice ever.

Do give PandoraBox's suggestion a try, but I also suggest you consider looking for a job where the boss is more in the background, other wise you will probably eventually say or do something that gets you fired.

Demand that she does explain. Or simple do it as she told you to do it, regardless if it's good. Bad input.. bad result..

I'm curious too how to handle people in close quarters because it affects which job I'll be trying hardest to get coming up soon.

Trying to find a job where the boss isn't a "working boss" doesn't seem like a good idea although yes it would make it less likely to get fired over something small, it would also leave you at the mercy of the "underlings" running the show, which is worse.

I work in the food service industry where you have to be on your game 100% all the time bc vultures are looking for that Chinese in your armor so they can take over your position.

My advice would be what I do, keep it professional. If I work with someone else and it's just the two of us and the other one likes to chit-chat, I usually dodge most of it and focus on my work. Yes, this makes me less "fun" to work with, but also, I'm the one people go to when they want to be "drama-free" lol!

Pretend to be and do what your boss wants.

Ie.. Pretend!

Hehe, I do tend to point out hypocrisy and other such things when in an informal context nowadays. However, at work I know that's the best way to get myself fired...

As to compromise, I don't know... She's really irrational. I have two bosses (they're fiances), and the guy can understand rationality and compromising. He's usually on my side. However, he only comes by maybe once a week (and never answers his phone when he's gone), while she's there every day. He understands I'd rather just be back in the lab doing my thing, not talking to customers, not answering phones. It's usually a good day when he's there. But if he's not there, she sometimes does things her own way, which involves trying to make me "help" customers or call them on the phone. She loves to take me away from the stack of jobs I have to do (and that ONLY I can do) and make me do some inane task that she could've easily done on her own. (Did I mention she has horrible management skills and doesn't know how to properly use her resources?)

She also likes to text me on my day off as if we're friends and can chitchat. In fact, I requested a day off the other day because I had plans before the schedule was made. On that day, she texted me a few times while I couldn't respond. (Stupid stuff like, "Hey girl!" and "We'll miss you!"... when she knows I'm busy?) When I checked my phone a few hours later, she asked if I was mad at her because I wasn't responding. *Face palm* She also takes everything personally, by the way... If I ask her for some sort of compromise, she'll probably take it a lot more personally than people usually would. It just adds to how annoying she is because I don't want to hurt her feelings if I even suggest something... Ugh.

That's the good thing about bigger workplaces. There's drama in every workplace, but in bigger ones there's usually a few people here and there that roll their eyes at the drama and keep working. My two favorite coworkers at my first job were 1) A strong woman (who was a hardworking, single parent) that was very competent and didn't take s**t from anyone, and 2) A guy who preferred to talk philosophy and music and that even told our coworkers, "I come here to work, not to make friends." (Which, ironically, is the reason we became friends. Go figure.)

Haha, but sometimes she wants me to be a mind-reader, since she expects me to understand things she doesn't give all the information about. I know I'm clever, but I don't think that's a skill I can learn! Although it is a good thing to keep in mind. Kinda like "fake it 'til you make it."

Maybe she doesn't know you're busy?

And for me, I reply to the text, but much later. Something like, "Sorry for the late reply I was busy". A sort of hint, but at the same time still texting her. I'd still bring it up with her. Don't make it an issue about her or you. That's the thing. When bringing up problems and need for improvement do it in a sort of moral gray way. A in the middle nuetral discussion. Not puting blame on anyone.

On communication on out of office hours.. reply when you come to office. "Sorry work phone offline after work".
If demand persists, charge for interruption. And charge for the time it takes to respond. Always at your service.. FOR A PRICE '

As for instruction, if she says throw out the garbage, just do it. If it happens to land in the neighbors trashcan then ask where the specification on which trashcan to use were issues etc.

If I were you I would look for another job ASAP. If possible.

Oh, how I wish it were that easy...

Your coping skills still apply; it's your work environment that has changed. New job, new dynamics. Acquiring new skills is par for the course and not limited just to dealing with management; which I know can be half the battle .

Been there, done that, have the tee-shirt...

Maddening, huh? Yeah, I get that a lot. I have even been called a savant ..... I alway keep my patient hat close by, you never know when you will need it; especially when dealing with bosses or customers

Well, you know the drill at this point. This slow economy makes it tougher to just "turn in your keys" and find something else for employment.
If you find it unbearable (in time), try not to "burn the bridges". You may need a good reference or perhaps return to the job in the future (I have done this before; trust me, it's doable).