Moving in an open source comunity

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Hello,

I am a programmer and since several years I go to community meetings like conferences and workshops. I got my diagnosis last year and just returned from my first event since then.

I feel so much more aware of my incapatibilities then before. Also I have held talks on several conferences and now people know me and greet me and I often have no idea who I am talking to. I tend to say what I think about certain topics. But I often end up saying it to the wrong person (like the one who invented the features) and then I make enemies.

Also in the evening people want to listen to music, drink alkohol and socialise. In the past I have tried to be like everyone else, to stay at the party, socialise, no matter how hard it is. One time I even drank a beer but that only endet in a meltdown that I could luckyly spend hidden in the bathroom.

This time I tried to accept my autism, I stayed away from the evening parties. Still I ended in severe headaches and stress. And I made someone that I really respect very angry by saying something about a new version that I dont like in some ways. I dont know if an NT would just have said nothing, if an NT would have brought it across in another way, still showing her respect in a way....

I dont know if I have the capabilities to function in a comunity at all. Maybe I am just stressing myself and creating enemies by going to such community meetings? If I just write E-Mails with the guys at least I can have enough time to think about what I am saying.

But somehow many cool things get kickstarted on real life meetings.

Before I knew that I was autist I never stayed away from social situations. But I often got sick in such situations or very stressed or I had meltdowns. So I dont know anymore what is the best strategies.

Is anyone else here member of an open source community? How do you do it?

Greetings Nana

I think we all go through a period where we struggle against our newly perceived weaknesses, I'd say keep going, but prepare yourself. It may be unrealistic to imagine yourself at this event flowing gracefully from person to person, "ahhhh, Mr. Pimbleton, how is that project of yours, AND your lovely wife doing?"

If you're going to a social event where chatting absent mindedly about the weather is going to be the standard, that's one thing, but when you're at something like this, there are faces that must be recognized, real questions that demand real answers, and fitting in as to contribute to the overall atmosphere; one does not to make a scene.

My suggestion is LOOK like your floating around, but in reality, have a plan, really get to know about 2 or 3 people, ask a lot of questions and really listen to the answers. Go to a corner ad take notes on your phone. You'll just look like your answering a text. If you can, pictures help. My usual line is,"Can I get a snapshot of you for my contact list?"

I'm horrible at gatherings. Fortunately, my wife makes up for a lot. She'll tell me who such and such is, what they do, and all that right before we chat with them, and then I just act as if I knew all along.

Get plenty of rest before the event, dont be worn out from doing other stuff; make sure you've got a full charge on your aspie battery. And most important, enjoy yourself!

Well, first off, remember that an Asperger's diagnosis generally doesn't actually change who YOU are, it just gives you a name for HOW you are. So now, maybe you're more aware of some of your weaknesses, but you were probably doing all these same things all along - now you're just more aware of the results. It's not like a diagnosis of cancer, where you suddenly learn that something in your body has gone horribly wrong... in our case, the diagnosis doesn't indicate that we have changed, it just gives us a name to hang on who we've been all along.

Second, I would think that the computer world, maybe especially the open source computer world, is probably going to be one of the easier places for an Aspie to function - I don't know if you have Fry's Electronics where you live - it's kinda Radio Shack meets Costco Warehouse Stores - but whenever I go to Fry's for something, I always have this feeling that I'm not Aspie enough

So, okay, now you're aware that criticizing the new version of some software can make others unhappy, so maybe you just decide that at these big meetings you SHOULD resist the temptation to do that. Maybe you decide to skip the big "socal" events at these conferences because they are uncomfortable for you (and it sounds like they were uncomfortable for you even BEFORE you had your diagnosis).

One thing I've figured out is that when a mostly-online community gets together in real life, it does have a different purpose... it's not about carrying on the arguments we're having online, it's about putting a face to "LinuxGod27" and realizing that there are real people behind those avatars.

You mentioned that you often speak at these conferences and so people know who you are, but you don't know who they are. That's natural, that's how it goes. For years, I led the worship band at my church, so pretty much everybody in the church knew who I was, but I didn't know who they were. So you let the conversation be about the talk you gave, and those people go away feeling like "wow, I met that nana80 person who has been posting all those comments about [topic]..." And for you... enjoy your fifteen minutes of fame. You take along some business cards with your contact info (which could just be "nana80 on the Linux Development Discussion Board or something"), and at some point, you can just say, "this is really interesting, I'd like to continue this discussion online, here's my contact information..." and then you can move on or go hide or whatever you need to do.

One other suggestion: when you go to these conferences, try looking around for other people who look like they're very uncomfortable being at the conference, and see if you do better "socially" with them. Since you're both at a conference on some open source project, you probably have things in common you can talk about, and since you both seem to be having a tough time with the "social" aspects of the conference, they may well appreciate being approached by somebody who is equally uncomfortable. And if the two of you click, they will probably be quite happy to carry on a long conversation with one person. And if you don't... look for somebody else who's having an uncomfortable time at the party.

Networking and meeting a lot of people at these events IS an NT thing. You wrote, "Before I knew that I was autist I never stayed away from social situations. But I often got sick in such situations or very stressed or I had meltdowns." So it's not like you used to do well in these situations, but since you learned you were an Aspie, you can't function any more. Don't worry about meeting 50 different people at an event... just work on how YOU can have a good time. "No thank you, I don't drink..." is quite acceptable these days. "Excuse me, I don't do well in this sort of situation, I'm going to go up to my room for a little while..." is quite acceptable - it sure beats a public meltdown.

The good news is that, as a programmer in an open source community, people are going to be willing to accept that you're different - introverted, distracted, not good with names. If you were a marketing rep at one of these events, you'd be expected to talk to a zillion people, go out drinking, all that. But you're not, you're a programmer, and NTs expect you to be kinda weird, withdrawn, and so on.

"Aspergers" is a condition, but it's "who you are," it's not "something you've come down with." It's a word that you can use to help find clues... and help you find people who have the same issues with life that you do. Again, in the open source software community, the rate of Aspergers is probably 100%, if not more If you gave a talk at one of these conferences, the people who come up to talk to you after don't EXPECT you to know who they are, they just want to talk to you about what you said.

Good luck!