Question/seeing help for Boyfriend

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Hello all! This is my first post here, and I am looking to understand and help out my awesome boyfriend. First things first, he doesn't know that he has a lot of asperger characteristics, and he hasn't been diagnosed. He HAS been diagnosed with dyxlexia and short term memory problems. He doesn't have the money to go to therapy now, otherwise I'd definitely recommend it, and he'd probably go. I'd say if he has asperger's, it's mild, but definitely affecting his ability to hold a job.

I don't have anyone to talk to about this. I don't have any friends with aspergers, I am NT (sort of - we're all a little off), and I don't really want to talk about this with my friends behind his back. So I was hoping some of you could help provide some insight on two things: 1) How do I let him know my suspicion that he has aspergers 2) How do we find him a job he can hold down?

I'm going to describe him for you, but let me preface this by saying that we have been together for 6 months and I have NEVER been happier with someone. (I am 34, he is 37). He is a bottomless pit of love and acceptance and optimism, and I wouldn't give him up for the world.

He is:

1) VERY loving, empathetic, intelligent, generous, trusting, and surprisingly extroverted
2) outwardly optimistic but inwardly depressed (he is unemployed - it sucks)
3) unable to focus on more than one thing at a time (even driving and talking took a lot of practice for him)
4) unable to recognize subtle facial expressions and other nonverbal communication
5) doesn't seem very aware of his surroundings, or at least does not scan the faces of the people around him
6) makes socially inappropriate comments and attempts to connect with people in very socially awkward ways (like shaking the hand of the barista at Starbucks who asks you your name to write it on your cup - he thinks this brightens their day - and he doesn't recognize that it makes most people uncomfortable)
7) has a hard time learning by example or following verbal direction - I once showed him an easier way to chop vegetables, then handed the knife over to him and watched him cut exactly the way he had been doing. He barely realized that he wasn't able to emulate me.
8) obsessed with certain textures while at the same time doesn't notice food on his face while eating
9) has a knack and prides himself on remembering facts and loads of information
10) very very twitchy - is always picking at his scabs or biting his nails or touching his feet
11) just generally doesn't seem to understand or predict those unwritten rules of society and interaction - everything is very literal for him and has to be learned

The most amazing thing about him is that once he understands something is important, he is almost infallible. But nothing really comes naturally to him except for organizing stuff and doing logistical problems. He has been called "Sheldon" by many people, and although he is very much more in tune with people than Sheldon, he does make the same kind of WTF remarks. He hates this nickname, of course.

He has a B.S. in Business, and attempted a B.S. for Electrical Engineering. Unfortunately he failed that program. He worked successfully as a frozen food delivery driver, but quit that job and went back to school for engineering. Ever since then he has bounced around from one customer service or retail job to another, and is always let go for vague reasons like "you don't fit in," and "you're not catching on."

Please let me know how/if you think I can approach him about this. Right now I'm just focusing on the things that may be costing him his job, like being able to read people better, without letting on that I think all of his issues are related. Also - if you have any advice as far as what kind of job he may excel in, I would GREATLY appreciate it.

I love him so much, and at 37 it's very scary to me that he cannot support himself. I cannot support him, unfortunately, and he lives with his parents.

Thank you!!

I forgot to mention a couple of things

12) he's physically clumsy and doesn't notice when he knocks into things with his limbs (even if it's me)
13) he can sort Magic cards for hours

He may very well have aspergers, but you trying to offer that to him may have big pitfalls. So I am not going to address that issue (as to how you might do that).

This ^ will likely always be a challenge.

This ^ can be worked on, because:

I assume that he understands that "catching on" is crucial to keeping a job. It would be instructive for him if he could understand why he has the short term memory deficit. You say he is very intelligent, so why or how does he have short term memory problems?

Is it possible that the problem is not exactly with short term memory; but it's that he does not focus intently enough on the instructions? Would he get more out of written instruction than verbal instruction?

Why did he fail engineering? Has he analyzed why he failed there? Gently ask him to analyze that and explain it to you. If he were willing to do that, he may be able to find a pathway out of the 'short term memory deficit'. Use what he's strong in (analysis) to figure out how to improve a weak area (I'm thinking lack of focus when it's crucial to have it in the workplace; when he's being instructed). The lack of focus often happens this way; The autistic is focused inward (in his own head) then realizes, too late, that something important is being said. The instruction is lost because he never heard it all in the 1st place.

Folks with ASD (Autistic Spectrum Disorder) can develop better focus when necessary (as opposed to good focus when interested in the topic) if they have motivation to extend themselves in that direction and practice it (practice it like practice playing piano).

He could use his strong analytical skill to come up with a self queuing system to alert himself to focus when it is crucial.

Thank you for your response!

I don't want to tell him I think he may have asperger's, because although I feel that a diagnoses and specific skills training can really benefit him, I also know that it's a big deal for someone to face that they may have such a different "brain" than other people. I know this because I have issues myself, although not on the AS. I was hoping someone here may have a story to share or some kind of helpful tips on bringing it up with someone - but I don't think there is any easy way to do it and I may only be able to show him things he can work on objectively.

The short term memory issue may relate to verbal learning, actually, now that I think about it. Asking his supervisors for written instructions is a very helpful suggestion, however it would be awkward for certain jobs where the tasks are minimal and random, such as in a small retail store. I will definitely bring this up to him for though, I think it could really come in handy.

And the underlying reason for the STM issues may be focus - he has the habit of "jumping ahead" or anticipating the next step, and because he can't focus on two things at once, what is being said to him in the meantime is lost. This frustrates me a lot but I've learned that if he's not looking at me, then he's not thinking about what I am saying, and so I've learned to adjust.

Very frequently when I'm talking I can see that his wheels are spinning, and I'll ask him to repeat what I just said and he completely blanks. He wouldn't have this issue if something was written because he can go back over it, and he is a very slow deliberate reader so he may just do this, I haven't asked him.

The problem with him being infallible once he learns something, is that it's not always easy to get the information into his head. A supervisor may see him as untrainable, when it's just that he needs to learn another way. It took me this whole 6 months to figure some things out, but now that I've learned how he works, he's very easy to interact with.

I guess we just need to come up with a "cheat sheet" for him, or a short list of things that he needs - such as written instruction, practice focusing on what people are saying (I make him practice this for my sake), and definitely some practice recognizing facial emotional cues.

He failed out of the electrical engineering program because he didn't study hard enough, and wasn't intelligent enough, his own words. That being said, he is still very intelligent and I think EE is one of the hardest programs you can choose to study.

Basically, yes, yes, yes, and thank you

I'm long winded because it's so nice to finally have a sounding board

Hi,

One thing that I think he needs to realize is that he has a natural skill set much better suited to higher level work, than entry level work, and so he needs to feed off and rely on his level of education. He can probably do quite a few things that many "normal" people might find mind numbing, like statistics or computer programming. Unfortunately, as with engineering, most of what he would be best at will require a degree, and he may not be willing to invest in getting that paper.

With the paper he does have, bookkeeping, tax or accounting spring to mind. None of those should be a major leap. While public accounting requires a good amount of social skills, and advancement within most accounting departments does as well, there are also many background jobs where precision and focus are the key skills.

Strengths for a job interview: ability to focus for extended periods of time, affinity for detail, excellent long term memory.
Weaknesses for a job interview (followed by the compensating element): short term memory (written instruction preferred, and while getting it the first time may be difficult, no one will be more reliable long term) and social skills ("I know some people have trouble understanding me, and vice-a-versa, but I am very loyal"; or something like that).

I have to be honest, I was awful at my first several jobs. Getting past that entry level hurdle was tough. But I am EXCELLENT at what I do. Someone just needed to bear with me long enough to allow all that extra brain power to find an appropriate outlet. Now I know what to sell in interviews, and I am bluntly honest about strengths and weaknesses: either they need the strengths I bring to the table, or they don't, and if they don't, there isn't much point in us working together. My current job is one I was not comfortable was a good fit, but I liked how it could work with my family life and raising kids, so I told the owner we could try it out for a few months and then decide, and I'd cut my normal salary requirements for the experiment. Got to the end of that and I, knowing my numbers, realized he couldn't make money off of me at my normal rate, but that I loved the work-life balance, and so he still gets me cheap; it is this imperfect deal for both of us, but we kind of need each other right now. Point being, we all have to find what works for us, and one key is simply knowing what you are good at and what you bring to the table.

My husband had all these strange ideas about what people did and did not want to hear in interviews and from an employee, and I've taught him to basically chuck those. Be realistic about what you bring to the table, and sell that hard. He's been much happier since, and willing to take much bigger risks than he was before we dated.

If you are committed to this man, maybe you can be the safety net that allows him to take risks. Make him feel free to reach higher and smarter, but require that he reach, and help him acquire the skills needed to do that.

What is your field? Do you have any practice interviewing and hiring, so that you can offer him useful insight into that process?

There were some suggestions on working on the deficit skills in the short pm I sent earlier.

Thank you very much for your reply. He actually took it upon himself to make an appointment with a career counselor, and had his first appointment today. She is going to help him with his resume and job search, and will do mock interviews.

I'm hoping that a few sessions with her will enlighten him on some things he needs to work on, and hopefully he will take them to heart since she is an unbiased person.

I have worked in management myself, and am familiar with the hiring process, but I have tried giving him suggestions and he always thinks that he knows best. He has a tendency to disregard constrictive criticism because he is sure that he is not doing anything wrong - This is a combination of his overconfidence, and the old problem of not knowing what you don't know.

I have no idea really, but it makes me think the hardest part of thinking like he does is not really having any idea at all where you are different from other people. You can't recognize what you can't see, and it makes it hard to hear it from other people because you don't see the world like they do.

I think that is going to be his biggest challenge, recognizing when his behavior is not conducive to keeping a job.

I can see the things you mention being an issue for someone with AS. Shoot, I have those disagreements with my son all the time, despite him knowing he is just a kid.

I end up taking routes like "humor me, give this a try" and "I know it makes no logical sense, it never has to me, either, but it really is how most other people see it." I wonder if tactics along those lines would help with your boyfriend, too. It will just be a dozen times more difficult because you got a few more decades where the thinking has dug in.

Hopefully he will trust the career counselor.

Best of luck!