Just disclosed to supervisor - OUTCOME

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Hi everyone

Well, this Friday afternoon, I finally disclosed my Asperger Syndrome to my supervisor, who just put me on an extended probation by another 3 months, based on some areas of improvement identified in my first 6 months - not coincidentally all of which are related to my having Aspergers

The feedback was nothing to do with social slip-ups but rather "staying in context", executive function and communication skills, such as being more concise, doing assignments without "going outside the boundaries", not going off on tangents...but as we know, us Aspies tend to be divergent thinkers rather than convergent ones.

But anyways - at the ironic risk of going off on a tangent (!) - he had never heard of Asperger Syndrome. I explained to him what it is, how it affects me, the positives of Aspergers syndrome, and some accommodations that could be made: written instructions to alleviate rapid verbal processing, using a projector rather than print-outs in meetings, and more use of a whiteboard or padboard in meetings to show context & boundaries. He agreed to all of those (after I also stressed they didn't cost anything) quite enthusiastically. So, that's that out of the way - I must admit I was speaking quite rapidly and nervously with sweaty palms when I disclosed to him. He admitted "well, what you describe pretty much corresponds 100% to the feedback I gave you."

So, I can only hope things get better. One comment that was made, which I've gotten before but can't directly tie to Aspergers - "you have a tendency to make assumptions" - do you think this is due to a) Aspie stubborness, b) the tendency to interpret someone a certain way, but then it turns out you misinterpreted - so then they think you assumed when in reality you didn't, you had no cause to question what they said further (this is a VERY common Asperger issue BTW), c) assumptions about what should have been included in context with "the bigger picture" - maybe all of the above, but I'm thinking more 'b', you assumed (or rather, interpreted) that something was to be a certain way, when you should have asked more questions. On that last note of asking questions, one of the criticisms was "make effective use of people's time by effectively interpreting answers to your questions to them" - so it's almost like an issue within an issue, an exercise in calibration. Wish me well!! !

Hi. I'm curious. When a simple question is asked of you, do you give a simple, straight answer or do you go around the world in answering the question?

I find the "assumptions" thing maddening. I don't ever "assume" anything when it comes to other people and what they mean - however, I'm not going to keep running back to a supervisor and asking them to come micromanage me, especially if I feel I already have a handle on what needs to be done.

Problem is, management types often have their own preconceived notions of how a project is supposed to be done and tend to come unglued when it isn't handled the way they were picturing.

If they come back and I'm done, but I used a method they hadn't thought of, they may accuse me of having made assumptions, but the truth is I didn't need to assume anything, I just handled the situation in a manner that seemed logical and practical to me.

I never "assumed" what they wanted, because I never gave a second thought to how "Mister Big" would do it. My goal was not to please his aesthetic sensibilities, my goal was accomplishing the specified desired result.

If that's a problem, it isn't because of my assumptions, it's because they didn't make their expectations clear from the beginning and THAT is a weakness in their management style, which is not my fault.

All of you guys are writing some great commiserating things to ease my frustration!!

Yeah, the whole "assumptions" BS - got it in the past, but not quite like this - it really comes down to a philosophical question, "How do you know if you're making assumptions if it's what you genuinely believe?" - not that that puts any of us out of touch with reality. It's based on situational perception and interpretation. I know the NT world is full of using "double-speak" words to be polite and sugarcoat more harsh things that they otherwise intended to say, so maybe the "assumptions" label was a polite way of saying "you lack common sense" or "you just don't pick up on unstated expectations that other people get".

redrobin62: no, I rarely give a dissertation type of response to a question - I give a response based on what I think is logical and to the point, although at times I've been cut off (by my boss) who instantly seemed to pick up on me going on a tangent - maybe after the 3rd sentence. Several people are like that though, maybe it's some drugged-up side-effect of our 21st century culture with all its "quickness", like text messages, flashy ads, instant downloads, etc, etc. A lot of the time, I don't know the answer to a question, so I take an exploratory approach: "Hmm, I'm not sure offhand...it could be X because of factors A and B, or it could be Y because of factors C and D..." - you know, say it out logically to stimulate discussion and thought, which seems rational to me, but who knows with NTs whether they construe that as you "not being concise" or the dreaded "you're over-analyzing things".

Willard and ASMJT: yes I totally hear you on this. It really ticks me off to no end. And yes, I'm not going to keep coming back to the manager to ask them to clarify expectations, just once in a while - I can't telepathically determine how frequently that should be - like I said, it's an exercise in calibration. You know, the more I think about it, the more the "assumptions" accusation seems like a ToM deficit - you didn't perceive why they wanted it a certain way and provide relevant input based on that "reality".

I think " you have a tendency to make assumptions" means that the assumptions you make are not the same as the person speaking. Everyone makes assumptions. If you think differently, your assumptions will be different, unless you are able to predict what they are likely to be thinking based on experience with similar situations and act accordingly. Which is what your supervisor likely wants. It sounds positive he agreed to some changes for you, I do wish you well!

I think " you have a tendency to make assumptions" means that the assumptions you make are not the same as the person speaking. Everyone makes assumptions. If you think differently, your assumptions will be different, unless you are able to predict what they are likely to be thinking based on experience with similar situations and act accordingly. Which is what your supervisor likely wants. It sounds positive he agreed to some changes for you, I do wish you well!

Hi, I wonder if you can continue to expand your repertoire of different ways of responding to questions? For example, sometimes lightly repeating the main part of the question, and then one or two of the categories it involves. And occasionally have to give him a call back later in the day.

And if he cuts you off like on the third sentence, more like he's stressed and an issue on his part. Then in the category of, if a person needs space go ahead and give him space, without the confusion of wondering and questioning if they 'should' need space.

And maybe some of the zen aspects of Herb Cohen "Negotiate This!: By Caring, But Not T-H-A-T Much." And perhaps adding some skim skills to your dive deep skills, and shifting your whole set, still a balance of course, more in the direction of skim. I mean, even Apollo 13 and nuclear safety can benefit from some skim skills.

You know, the thing that really sucks about disclosure is the discrimination factor that follows - you KNOW that you'll be the first out the door in a round of layoffs, or that you'll be denied promotion - I don't mean for people management jobs, but more for "data manager" or "senior analyst", which would make VERY good use of your repertoire - but human nature being what it is, you'd probably be passed over for those in favour of someone more people-oriented with "just decent" technical skills. Granted, that might not just be a disclosure consequence - people could have already decided that "yeah, he's weird, just keep him in his corner where he is" even w/o your overt disclosure.

Does anyone else agree with or identify with this frustration?

Yes I can relate to this I work a housekeeping job at a hospital and my quality for patient rooms are at the bottom of the barrel but yet the people who are calling in sick all the time and screwing off have the most highest quality, also I have been called into the office more then once that I need to work really hard to somehow improve my quality, no matter how hard I work its not "good enough" , I am to the point now where I am not going to work hard anymore and just do my job half a**** because its not worth it, overall its all about "favoritism"

I think the OP handled this situation very well. When I was a manager I once had an (NT) employee who started messing up, I suspect because of self-consciousness, boredom, and emotional issues. We eventually "transitioned" him into another department because he couldn't be honest with me about what was wrong. I asked him if he wanted different projects, projects organized differently, less projects, more projects, like pretty much whatever. I didn't care what he did as long as he was working and it would benefit my department. He took every show of concern from me as criticism. If he had done what the OP had done, I would have loved to keep him. More people should be honest about their capabilities and needs. It would make things a lot simpler for everyone.

That guy eventually left the company because he had the exact same problems with his new supervisor.

Based on what I've read it looks as if you have an ongoing relationship with someone at your local University Disability Services Office. If you do not then I would recommend getting one if you still do then good on ya'!

I might be the lone manager here. First thing is... great! It is so hard to disclose! But is important!

My second point is... I hear your frustrations. I was on your side of things until recently. But now that I am on the managing side of things.. it is hard if you have to keep on explaining things or seeing things not done to specifications done by employees. It is very hard when there is a communication barrier. We often care! Especially about our employees. Or, at the very least, I care and I know my colleague cares.

Unfortunately, when it comes down to it, it is more important to get things done to code. Managers are rarely without regulations. What may seem illogical to you is based on...budget, labor law, union rules, customer expectations, consortium agreements with other companies and a host of other things. So, if these rules are broken, we can be taken to task too, by our supervisors and by the law and the workplace union

Communication is a two way street, and hard.

I am just tired of managers getting dumped on. Some of us are not bad people and do want our employees to succeed. I have an Aspie in my workplace, and sometimes communicating with that Aspie individual on a very direct basis makes me feel rude and badly. Like, when I ask for a trim and say to not worry if there is the occasional jagged edge, I do not mean 'rushing and cutting jagged edges is okay all over the place'. It does not mean that I do not like that person and would not want their success, just that they seem to lack skills in that area at this point in time unless I micromanage, which I have no time for.

Sorry for the rant. I just get frustrated when I see managers put down.

This is a lesson to you not to disclose to employers that you have Aspergers. Aspergers is your secret and you should not tell anyone. Employers do not need to know your medical history. I would be looking for another job, this employer clearly does not accept you and they are trying to make things difficult for you by extending your probation. Employers do not need to know your medical history.

Regarding assumptions -- You might find the concept of the "Inference Ladder" interesting and useful. It has been one of the most useful tools for improving communications in my professional, family, and community life.
http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newTMC_91.htm

Regarding managers and disclosing AS -- A good manager tries to help the team member be successful at achieving what the business needs and achieving individual professional growth. I've been a manager for decades. It helps me if the team member tells me what is important to him or her, what matters, what's difficult, what's a welcome challenge, etc. I pay attention in order to learn those aspects of each team member. But that calls for a lot of trust. Not everyone trusts. Not everyone has earned trust. Maybe the place to start is talking about workplace values such as honesty, integrity, and trust.

It seems to me that mis-communication is something that can happen to anyone, but because aspies tend to have different thought processes, we tend to misunderstand more frequently. Part of misunderstanding is human nature; people tend to assume that other people think like they do. For NTs, this is true more often than not so they can often reduce the amount of clarification without issue (and this can easily turn into habit). Enter an aspie. Even with basic clarification, there's a higher chance of misunderstanding.
Point of interest: This does not assume employee/boss situation; this can happen in any relationship.
Here's a few things I do to try to improve understanding.
1. Think about extra interpretations. In a given situation, I can usually think of quite a few possible meanings. Since some are rubbish, I try to pick out the most probable two or three options.
2. Consider context. In a job situation, look at the overall goal and compare to interpretations of the what you're being told.
3. Ask. This has saved me so many times.