So, I've been a lurker on this site from some time now, haven't really posted anything yet. So I guess this is my hello to you all. Hello.
Long story short, ever since I was a kid psychologists I have seen have said that I have Aspergers. Recently I was formally diagnosed with OCD, and when I looked back on my elementary school records from the school psychologist, they also thought I may have oppositional defiant disorder. I would say that my Aspergers and OCD are the most prevalent, however I do have a difficult time dealing with authority and following directions correctly. I prefer to work alone and I've always valued quality over quantity when it comes to friendships and relationships. I've struggled with friendships and romantic relationships my whole life, and I don't ever see this changing no matter how much I want it to.
So in regards to what this post is actually about, I was fired from my job last Friday - January 23rd. I was working as a customer service person at a building supply distributor, dealing with contractors, vendors and retail customers. I started working there in April of 2014, so my entire stint there lasted 9 months. The official reason I was let go was that my job performance had "plateaued", and that I was making too many mistakes in my work. The pay was good ($15/hr), and I had a full benefits package - which was very important since I turned 26 last year and was no longer on my parents insurance.
I think that there was more to their reasons for firing me than they were willing to say. I know a big part of it was the fact that I struggled connect socially with the majority of my co-workers, and I had a difficult time multitasking. I also had a tendency to talk too much, both to customers and fellow employees. My boss was practically a neanderthal in his thinking and outlook on life, typical of people who have worked in the construction industry most of their lives. He didn't understand me, and constantly critiqued me on my social skills and stereotypical quirks that we Aspies have. Despite my best efforts to tolerate him, I'm pretty sure it was obvious that I had almost no respect for him in both a personal and professional sense - I have a very difficult time disguising my feelings. I also worked in an older building with no natural lighting, with only poor quality fluorescent lighting - this was especially hard for me to deal with.
This experience I've had with this particular company is actually just one in a string of many similar experiences I've had since I graduated college in 2012. I have a lot of bills, student loan debt and a car payment to deal with, and to be honest I just don't have the energy to deal with it all anymore. I'm past the point of crying, I've become emotionally numb, and accepted the fate that I have of being unfulfilled in life and alone. I know that sounds extreme, but my experience thus far has taught me that this is the only for sure thing that I can count on in my future. I'm honestly just want to die, but I could never bring myself to suicide. I just hope that I get hit by a truck or something that would assure a quick and sure death. I suck at math and am too clumsy/slow to do mechanical work as a profession anymore (I used to do it in the past for work). I just want to be able to wake from this as if it were a bad dream. It seems like life isn't real anymore.
25 Jan 2015, 1:51 pm
