22 Jan 2015, 10:33 am
The Middle Manager's Oath.
(To be recited while looking at one's own reflection in a mirror at least once per day.)
• I will act confidently, with regal bearing and apparent benevolence toward others, while plotting ways to exploit them all for my benefit.
• I will always be alert to potential attacks and thwart them before they happen.
• I will always strive to make my subordinates appear less brilliant than they really are.
• I will always strive to make my superiors appear more brilliant than they really are.
• I will exploit others by appealing to their weaknesses, rather than to their sense of mercy, loyalty or gratitude. These weaknesses include, but are not limited to: Envy, Gluttony, Greed, Hatred, Laziness, Lechery, and Pride, as well as any small, secret pleasures.
• I will ask for suggestions from my subordinates, then openly squash each one of their fact-based ideas in turn with my own personal opinions, and finally announce the decision that I had already made before I asked for their silly-arsed suggestions.
• I will associate only with happy and fortunate people.
• I will assume to know everything about the meaning and purpose of my subordinates' words and actions without ever having to ask them.
• I will assume to know everything about what my subordinates are doing, thinking, or planning without ever having asked them.
• I will avoid the temptation of revealing how hard I work, as it only raises questions about what I am doing.
• I will be decisive in making crucial decisions that I do not trust my subordinates well enough to make themselves.
• I will be lavish with my money and keep it circulating, for wealth is both a sign and a magnet for power.
• I will be reliably late to meetings which I myself have called and tagged on the calendar as "urgent", and then need to leave early, preventing anything from being accomplished.
• I will become a paragon of civility and efficiency, maintaining this image by covertly using others as scapegoats and cat's-paws to disguise my involvement.
• I will become goal-oriented through careful planning and control so I will not be overwhelmed by circumstances.
• I will choose carefully those whom I deceive or outmanuever, so as to minimize their potential for revenge.
• I will circulate among potential allies to better shield myself from hostile opponents.
• I will conceal my efforts and all the secret methods that go into them.
• I will teach no one my secret methods, for they can and will be used against me.
• I will never teach others enough of what I do so that they can do it on their own without me.
• I will consider every one of my subordinatesto to be unique and indispensable, and therefore make it virtually impossible for any them to be transferred or promoted out of my authority.
• I will consider examples of my subordinates' good work to include: Responding immediately to business-related emails, phone calls, and text messages on holidays and weekends; Agreeing with everything I say in large group meetings (or remaining completely silent); Cancelling vacations at the last minute, no matter how far in advance the vacation plans were made; and Accepting weekend work assignments at two minutes before quitting time on Friday.
• I will conveniently "forget" to communicate important information to my subordinates, expecting them to fill in the gaps for themselves as part of their regular duties.
• I will create hierarchical permission steps and other roadblocks that teach people quickly that their ideas are subject to a pre-emptive veto before I even hear about them.
• I will create value for myself through limited access to my skills and knowledge.
• I will criticize my subordinates' work when it will embarass them the most; such as in the presence of Upper Management.
• I will delegate my own work to my subordinates while taking full credit for their results.
• I will demand written proposals before giving the go-ahead on projects; then I will direct my subordinates to make individual corrections to their written proposals one at a time in order to maximize the delay before I have to take action.
• I will destroy my opponents by opening holes in their own reputations; and then stand aside and let public opinion hang them.
• I will direct my subordinates to document and submit a daily log of their hourly activities (which I will ignore); but I will not allow them to charge this task to any project, thus forcing them to do it on "their" time.
• I will direct my subordinates to find their own solutions to those problems that I do not want to deal with myself.
• I will direct my subordinates to find their own solutions to those problems that I have unnecessarily created for them.
• I will dominate and intimidate my salaried subordinates, thereby ensuring that none of them would dare to complain after I've dumped more work on them than they could possibly complete in a single 40-hour workweek.
• I will drive my subordinates crazy by vacillating, changing my mind at random, and moving them in new directions based on new feedback at the drop of a hat.
• I will encourage the freedom to choose by giving others multiple options, any one of which will work to my advantage.
• I will enter each situation boldly, or I will not enter the situation at all.
• I will evangelize the use of data-driven decision-making, while relying on my own gut reactions.
• I will exhibit patience and never hurry; instead, I will wait until the time is right, and then act boldly and decisively.
• I will expect my subordinates to do my personal work on company time.
• I will expect my subordinates to have little or no life outside of work. If they are men, then they should have wives to take care of their personal business for them. If they are women, then they should remain single and childless.
• I will form a super exclusive club with other middle managers where we eat lunch only with each other, share all sorts of inside jokes, and wear matching suits with matching gold watches. But if a promotion opens up, I will stab them in the back in a heartbeat.
• I will freely gossip or exchange information about my subordinates with other managers, my spouse, my family, and anyone else outside of work.
• I will get others to agree with me through manipulating situations to the point where they have no other options than to agree with me.
• I will hold endless meetings with my subordinates, and make attendance mandatory; then I will berate them for not getting their work done in a timely manner.
• I will ignore any and all concerns from my subordinates regarding the capabilities and reliability of our products and services, until such time as I can take credit for "discovering" them myself.
• I will improve morale by getting rid of the whiners, the complainers, and the generally unhappy people.
• I will inspire others to join my cause by keeping my words vague but full of promise, while emphasizing enthusiasm over rationality and clear thinking.
• I will keep my friends close, and my enemies closer. Friends will betray you, while enemies will work hard to impress you.
• I will lead my team through the elaborate maze of hoops to jump through while promising fictitious promotions and raises.
• I will learn everything I can about everyone around me, and then use that knowledge to my advantage.
• I will maintain my independence by not choosing sides.
• I will make decisions first, and then ask my subordinates for their input just to show them how little their input means to me.
• I will make humiliating and hurtful comments in response to my subordinates' questions in front of everyone else, instead of simply answering their questions in a helpful way.
• I will make more enemies than friends. Enemies are predictable, while friends will stab you in the back (et tu?).
• I will make my opponents come to me on my terms by luring them in with the promise of fabulous gains, forcing them to abandon their own plans in the process, and then crushing them utterly.
• I will make my reputation unassailable so as to make me invulnerable to slander and libel.
• I will make my statements and claims as vague, open-ended, and cryptic as possible, yet with enough implied meaning to still seem important.
• I will make myself a magnet of attention by appearing larger, more colorful, more mysterious, and more capable than the bland and timid masses I lead.
• I will make people depend on me for their happiness and prosperity, or fear me for all of the misery and poverty I can impose on them at will.
• I will make promises that with hidden conditions, so that I do not ever have to honor a promise that I make to a subordinate.
• I will make rules to control the actions of a few of my subordinates, and then make those rules mandatory to the remainer of my subordinates, as well.
• I will master the art of indirection through flattery, yielding to superiors, and asserting power over others in the most oblique and graceful manner I can muster.
• I will motivate others by appealing to their dreams and fantasies, rather that to the cold, hard reality of business.
• I will never admit to having told a lie, and instead blame a subordinate for mis-informing me or for mis-interpreting what I have said.
• I will never do for myself what others can do for me.
• I will never openly disagree with Upper Management.
• I will never read 'important' emails from my subordinates, because I believe that subordinates never really have anything important to say.
• I will never reveal the true purpose behind my actions.
• I will over-ride any decision made by a subordinate who has not consulted me first, unless the decision results in an obvious increase in productivity or quality of product; in which case, I will take full credit for enabling the decision to be made.
• I will pay my own way to stay clear of unwanted obligation, guilt, and deceit.
• I will play favorites, making it blatantly obvious that only one of my subordinates can influence my decisions, while ignoring the needs of the other subordinates. This will force all of the other subordinates to channel their requests and ideas through my "favorite", thus keeping them away from me and giving me one person to blame for everything (Win-Win!).
• I will play just dumb enough to make my opponents feel smart; once I have convinced them of this, they will never suspect my ulterior motives, nor will they be prepared when I execute my plans.
• I will play people against one another to keep them distracted and to minimize having to deal with them directly.
• I will randomly intimidate individuals, so as to put fear in the hearts of all as to when and where I will strike next.
• I will refuse the roles that society foists on me and become the master of my own image rather than letting others define it for me.
• I will remain calm and objective while those around me are in turmoil; even if I have to surreptitiously provoke that turmoil myself.
• I will reward members of my team only with empty praise and other non-monetary forms of positive reinforcement for their good work.
• I will seek out and secure long-term patronage, and then exploit it for all that it's worth.
• I will seek total victory over my opponents, crushing their spirits so that they will never again work against me or inspire others to work against me.
• I will show contempt for what I want but can not have. This will divert my opponents' attentions away from my true goals, so that I can work toward them without hindrance.
• I will stage my successes in a most spectacular fashion, thus showing how effective and valuable I am.
• I will surrender only to a more capable opponent; but only long enough to undermine his power sufficiently for him to stumble and fall on his own.
• I will take every opportunity to contradict my subordinates, even when it is blatantly obvious that they are right.
• I will take full credit for any and all projects in which I am even peripherally involved.
• I will take the expense reports of my subordinates very seriously, criticizing and nit-picking every penny spent, while padding and obfuscating the details of my own expense reports.
• I will use random gestures of honesty and praise to bring down the guard of even the most suspicious people, then move to deceive and manipulate them at will.
• I will utilize meaningless corporate jargon as long as it is strategic, measurable, scalable, and enables my team to leverage our synergy across multiple platforms.
30 Jan 2015, 5:13 am
