What is wrong with me?

Post Reply New Topic

So I'm between the age of 30-35. I am high functioning autistic. Before the virus hit I finished my last degree, and now I have a total of 4 degrees. (long story short, I gotten an aerospace degree but the job market collapse. During this time I tried working a number of jobs, but I kept getting fired or was so depressed from working and getting harassed at work I've became suicidal. So instead of doing nothing I went back to school for a general computer degree. This was an AS since I couldn't afford to go directly for a BS. While I was there a teacher mentioned to me that I was only a handful of classes from a networking degree. One of the 2 was a 2x2 into my last degree which is a industrial degree with a focus on cyber security.) The first degree I almost didn't get due to my grades and I was having a hard time in school. For the rest of the degrees I was taken at max 2 classes at a time since that was all I could handle. In fact, at several points I tried working while doing this and I couldn't even handle that. The most I was able to deal with is what I do now. Selling stuff on Etsy using my 3D printer, making YouTube videos once in a while, and a few small things to make some money (like $100-$200 a month total).

Anyways, during my AS I notice when I was able to get something that could get me into something down the road like being an intern. I flaked out on it. Like I did things like made applications for my school and stuff like that. But those were 1 off things.

After getting into my BS I found everything was going good and my grades were good enough. I did at one point try more than 2 classes on my technical side and my grades dropped to the point where I almost gotten kicked. But as long as I kept it down to 2 classes, my mental state seemed to be at least to the point I could keep up with the test (it should be noted even with this I had to cheat in a number of classes even when taking 2 classes at a time). The reason why I'm bringing this up is towards the end of my degree I had to take a lot of stupid classes like one on weather, another in microeconomics, and a few others. Because I spent so many years in school and I just wanted it over I did a full 4 classes back to back for 2 semesters. This 10000% burnt me out, and I literally had to beg my teachers to pass me. If it wasn't for a mixture of cheating and begging to pass, I know I wouldn't of made it.

Shortly after I gotten out I found out even with a degree no one still wanted me. I tried using my contacts a few times, and found many companies flaked out during meeting me or when they found out I'm autistic. Even with applying to higher end jobs than the manufacturing jobs I applied for in the past. I found in some interviews I was harassed for how I talk and think. Like flat out picking on me and laughing about it. In some jobs they kept lying about oh we are looking for x (coder, network, etc) and the people trying to help me said I can do x y z. And then they would interview me for 100% different job.

Around this time I tried to enact my backup plan which was to go into the military. I found out the military literally has policies from autistic people from joining. My dad looked into it since he had connections to major generals, and more than less the policy was put in after a few autistic people were harassed to the point some offed themselves and some were hurt so badly that there is an investigation on it still today. So it's more to protect us than anything else. And it was made in such a way that even if you did get in, you have to get it OK with every commanding officer, and pretty much anyone in the unit can make a stink about it which would end up getting the person kicked out. Like it's better for that than the person getting hurt or dying.

After this I started looking into things because it didn't make sense to me. I did everything that was asked of me. I stayed away from drugs, crime, etc. I actually went through college even when my teachers in HS said I shouldn't be able to graduate HS. I stuck out what jobs I could and only quit 1 job, but that was by force. And while I did get fired from many, I went out of my way to show I knew how to code and what not. Anyways, I came across studies saying people who are autistic and have degrees are 85% likely to be unemployed or underemployed. And I found studies on how the UK looked into how much of the homeless is autistic, and they found around some of the cities it was 65% or more. Then I found it was highly common for autistic people to be abused in work places and other places.

I brought a lot of this up to my parents because it was looking like I simply am not going to get anything that will put a real dent in my life. Like beyond the fast food/retail industry. They agreed I can stay with them as long as need, but we made a plan. Where they would buy a farm and have things contracted out. That I would help them get it up and running, and keep things up. And I can be the farm manager. While this does make me happy, it should be noted that it's estimated that it will take close to 10 years before I would get a livable wage. Just harvesting the crops it will take 7 years for much of it to mature to that point.

Anyways, what brings me here is I'm having a hard time figuring out what is wrong with me. The other day I found a basic help desk job on indeed that I could get if I put in for it and it wasn't already taken down (maybe, some of these they hire people with multiple years of experience because the job market in my area is so poor). My anxiety shot up to the roof and I was extremely suicidal. And this was simply for seeing there was a job I realistically could get. And this that happens isn't anything new.

So my anxiety is always up because I know if my parents get tired of me or want to just because. There isn't a single thing I could do to prevent myself from being homeless since I don't have the money/income to support myself. And then when it comes down to looking for any job and seeing there is one I could work (even part time), if I had a gun next to me I wouldn't be talking to you now.

What is wrong with me? And don't give me the crap that there isn't anything wrong with me. This isn't normal.

Note, there is a number of other things going on and a bit of info I didn't talk about since I don't think it relates. Like how even today I'm trying to work on doing independent product development and a number of other things (but none of it has made me anything). I mean something that might relate is how my entire family outside of my dad's parents, my parents, and maybe 2 or 3 others 1000% hates my parents and I. I believe it is due to my sister lying about us. And the only thing I ever wanted in my life since I was a kid is a stable family and stable life. But the details going beyond that, I doubt it relates.



__

UPDATE: another place I posted this someone said

> I would try getting a job and sticking it out.

My answer to this is:

I didn't get too deep into it, but I have tried. I worked a number of jobs over the years. From writing articles, freelance, retail, to manufacturing and vet tech. I've been around NASA and I helped made airplanes. It sounds more impressive than it is. But the reality of the situation is I wasn't able to hold a single "adult" job. One of the jobs was I was fired on my first day after the manager told the plant manager I'm autistic the day before I started. Another manufacturing job, I was harassed to the point that if I wasn't fired when I was. Then I would've tried crashing my car into a tree at top speed. I was just trying to figure out how to make it look like an accident for insurance for my parents.

Then when I worked in lower end jobs when I was younger (in HS) the stress of it constantly made me sick. And many of them it came down to the point where I couldn't keep a job and the only ones I was able to get was cleaning toilets' and dog s**t. And with that one I was paid $8 a week, and that was the only job I could get at the time.

I even have education and qualifications into NDT work, and other things like that. And I remember this one job for a company that made pipes for a QA slot. Even after answering everything 100% right, I was laughed out of the interview. I even wrote down the questions when I gotten to my car so I could look them up since I couldn't figure out why they were laughing.

I actually came up with the conclusion that it's my disability that is holding me back in that front AFTER all the rejection, not being able to keep a job, and so on. Like I was brought up with the mindset to not make yourself out to be a victim when you're not. And for a long long time I assumed it was 100% in my control. But now I'm not so sure.

In fact, I didn't really figure it was anything but my fault until I found out I couldn't get into the military. And this caused me to start looking into it because it seemed to me after literally doing things that would put me in the news paper like developing a new rover design for caves which got NASA to fly me out (all to tell me there was a hiring freeze at the time). I figure statistically speaking something should've happen since I've never heard of most jumping from this many jobs, getting this many degrees, and so on and having a hard time. And due to this, I ended up looking up the statistical information on my disability and other things.

But the reason why I posted in the OP what I did is I'm not sure what is going on there. I understand why my anxiety shoots up when I think about what happens if I don't get a job. Like there is hard facts on what will happen. But I don't understand why I'm getting extremely suicidal when I look for jobs and find some I think I can get.

Your mind remembers the difficult moments and relates to the stress of those moments.

I hit heavy anxiety when I think about even looking to see what jobs are out there. The problem I get is that in jobs I have done in the past I have had a good reputation as I have put in a huge amount... As when working through partial shutdowns whilst working one is putting in 1000% of the effort just to get things done and not give up (I can't do anything in a full shutdown as I would be on the floor in a paralized state and while in partial shutdowns I would be doing all I can to regulate myself to be able to carry on working without slipping over the top ans into a full on shutdown), and I would end up in serious burnout and usually hand in my notice and experience the sheer hell of the last few weeks in work trying to struggle on while in burnout where I should have walked out and gone on sick.... But I did not know what was going on with me back then and I knew nothing about autism.

I am not highly qualified as I found that though in theory I could be (And people have told me I could as they have noticed my ability and knowledge), I found that both school and collage life was probably the worst times for me and things fall to pieces. I am normally quite chatty but my schooling years I was always dead quiet which shows you there was something wrong. Education for me was not exactly a disaster, but it was kind of a pointless exercise.
All my job experiences were through sheer hard work and pushing and pushing myself to the limits. I often used to do two or three peoples jobs as I was gullable so others would sit back, relax and torture me. One such bully would get me to work double shifts but I never was paid for all the hundreds of extra hours I did, while he and his mate sat back gaining their bonuses for my work. And I found out rhen when his mate had to leave as he was on the fiddle, that I had spent 5 years employed at the company and at least three or four of them had been completely off the books and I did not even know! (I was wondering why I was given the day off every time any of the area managers or the head office staff came to pay a visit).

But this hidden bullying is the story of my working life and probably the reason for the eventual serieses of burnouts that hit hard in a mental and physical way. It has been over a year now since the last one and I am still not right. I have good days and I have bad days.

But what is wrong is trauma. You have hit so much trauma that your mind gets stressed at the thought of even looking for work. (That is where I am at now today. Thankfully I am now on benefits as a back up, but in the past, as I did not have a clue what was going on with me, I have large gaps of no income while recovering from each burnout).

What do you mean by shutdown? Do you mean full burnout?



I dealt with this in a number of jobs. Then when I brought it up or refused to do it I was fired.




What country are you in? If you're in the USA is it SSDI? The reason why I ask is as far as I can tell, there is only SSI and SSDI. I don't qualify for both. For SSI I saved up too much money, and SSDI I don't have 5 years of on the books work history in the last 10.

I can relate to several things you mentioned. It took me a really long time to finish school, partly because things got bad when I took more than 2 classes at a time. I've bounced around to many different jobs, and always get burned out and sick of it. This is a little different than what you've experienced but the result has been that I am frequently displaced. I'm now finally in an adult job and I'm already burned out. I worry that I won't be able to maintain a stable career like other people.

Do you disclose your autism by choice, or by necessity? I don't ever disclose because I fear it will have more repercussions than them potentially thinking I'm peculiar.

Do you have vocational rehabilitation services in your area? I don't know how much they could help, but I suppose they help some people (for me it wasn't what I needed).

So I use to not disclose, but I started doing this when I started putting the dots together and figuring out maybe my disability might be causing problems. Before I did this I literally been picked on during interviews. So being up front about it in the application process tends to filter a lot of this out. I found it made no difference in me getting a job or not.

I have vocational in my area, but they won't help. Like the jobs the tried to set me up in is things like retail or something like that. I've tried those jobs in the past, but as you might imagine with our disability being a bit anti social. It tends to not work out. They did however help when it came to getting my degrees. Like with helping me pay for them.

I am in the UK.

Partial shutdowns and shutdowns. See link in my signature below. (Press the button). Read the bit about the person driving with the ability to delay a shutdown. That bit was soo accurate for me that I could not believe that I did not write it!

I will try to explain by relating to percentages. 100% is a full shutdown. 50% is a typical partial shutdown.

I start to notice at about 25% or more. My balance can be effected and my spacial awareness so I manually start to over compensate so I will allow extra room in between me and other people so I don't bump into them etc.

50% and I will be in a partial shutdown. My limbs of my body start feeling weak and every body movement takes twice the effort.

75% and it feels like I am wearing a heavy iron suit of armour where if I am still standing I am putting in 1000% determination to still stand and walk and not end up on the floor. (See link in signature... I think I have put the link in that shows a virtual reality thing that is almost exactly what I experience at the 75% level just before I end up on the floor, except that my eyesight will start to blacken from the top down and I have loud tinitus which lowers in note and my eyesight turns to black which I call a full shutdown).

100% and I am in a full shutdown in a floppy paralized state on the floor. I can usually have just enough control of my muscles to prevent myself from hurt as I head to the ground, but then I have lost the ability to use my body. My mind will be in a panic. My skin will get clammy and I will be shaky if I have had repeat shutdowns, and I will have lost my eyesight and my hearing... But if I am in an awkward place, if people walk past and accide tly step on my hand I will feel every bit of pain but not be able to do anything. I can feel the air of people walking past... I think this must be when my brain starts to come back online. I am unsure. I am unsure as well if I can hear during a shutdown... No. I can't hear but I do hear the loud tinitus I mentioned, but then it briefly goes off... (I say briefly because to me it seems briefly but I do not know how long I am in a full shutdown, but I am aware of my surroundings somehow?)
It takes a good 15 to 30 minutes to recover. When my brain first starts to come back online, I need to stay quiet and NOT be asked questions. The reason for rhis is that if I try to think to talk to answer questions I will get another full on shutdown. I have had nearly 6 hours of this once because hospital staff assumed that I was in a faint and kept going through "What is your name? What is your address? What day is it? etc. It tooke me ages through several shutdowns to eventually tell the nurse to ......"STOP..(Shutdown).....ASKING......(Shutdown).....ME.....(Shutdown)..... QUESTIONS!" And I had to repeat this message several times over inbetween shutdowns before she finall got the message and only then was I able to begin to recover, but I had been so hard hit that they had to take me to A&E to recover there. (I did not know they were called shutdowns then).
In A&E a doctor said it was nit fainting and asked if I was autistic? I said "No, I don't think so" ... But I did not know!
(I still don't know for sure as I am on the list waiting to be assessed).

I live in Britain.

Sorry. I will ammend. My link about the virtual reality I mentioned is not in my signature below. I will look for the right link. Hang on...

This is very close to what I experience... Except the blackness comes down from the top down like a blanket type blind and by which time I will be on the floor in a floppy paralized state or I will be flopping towards the floor as I will no longer be able to power my muscles as they shut down too.

Last edited by Mountain Goat on 02 Dec 2020, 7:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.

That makes sense. It's bad that they would pick on interviewees.



Yes that was pretty much my experience as well. The financial help they provided was great. While they didn't try to get me into retail jobs, since they didn't know my degree field they didn't understand what kinds of jobs to look for for me. They did give me a few resources like a job search site that was specifically for the disabled. It only had jobs that sought out hiring disabled people. Unfortunately those jobs weren't in my field of study. I have heard of some tech companies that seek out autistic employees.

Ammended the post above.

This doesn't surprise me. Life is a struggle, people are crap.

The only recommendation - keep pulling at whatever corners you can, find out what areas you know you can be competent in, go full speed at making it work at whatever job you can get into, actually don't be surprised if coworkers hate you for your strengths just as much as your weaknesses (and if they think you might be better than they are at something they may pull every string they can to get you fired).

The trick seems to be finding one job where you make it through the bucket of crabs and in some sense make yourself untouchable in the sense that the idiots can't do anything.

For me it took a really long time to get a generally pessimistic outlook on people but - the work world did it. At this point I'm pretty sure 1 out of 3 people, maybe a bit more than that, would eat their own crap off the pavement. They can drive, use smart phones, order lattes, might even have degrees, but outside of that they don't qualify as 'people' in much of any other sense. Dawkins' 'pure replicators' come to mind but they don't even seem to be very good at that.

They did the same, but all they had on there was low end retail jobs ore seasonal stuff. But explaining to them about me taking online classes was a nightmare. I ended up giving up explaining it since I was trying to indicate the best types of jobs for me would be a fully remote one, and it was obvious they weren't going to help in that area.

As far as tech companies. There is only 1 or 2 of them that I know about and they don't hire that many (mostly due to the need). But my biggest problem with them is they would require me to move to a major city which is 100% the worse place for me long term. Like even when I did the NASA trip, I had my parents with me up to the point of going on base.
Like I tend to get overloaded. If I'm visiting a place for enjoyment, I can manage things to make it enjoyable and ignore most of the overload. Mostly because I'm taking pictures and I can trick my brain at ignoring or forgetting things quickly. But if I'm there long term, then learning where things are, dealing with the sounds, dealing with the people, and so on can be a bit much. Even driving can be a bit much on a road I'm use to. A few times even when it was going to classes I had to pull off the road for a bit. I never told anyone about that in person because I think it will limit me in unneeded ways.

Emuegg

think you're overwhelmed that's all.

Yeah I got overwhelmed just trying to explain stuff to the voc rehab people, so I'd just nod and let them talk.

Luckily the lockdowns are causing a lot of companies to realize the work from home is very doable for a lot of jobs, and it can save them money. Hopefully this will create more flexibility for people to work remotely. My job wasn't advertised as remote, but even before Covid they had some people living in other states and we were all allowed to take our laptops home and work as needed. So maybe if you find something good you could ask about working from home?

Can you do phone work? There are companies that hire disabled people to work from home providing tech support.

Online tutoring is also an option since you have knowledge of STEM coursework. Look into tutor.com or search for one of the other online tutoring companies. FYI, you need to know your subjects very well, however. I suggest applying to tutor a subject that's very easy for you, like algebra or geometry.

Working freelance is another option, but getting clients is difficult. Personally I used Upwork.com to connect with clients.

If you can figure out exactly what problems you had in previous jobs (like what exactly is over-stimulating you) and how to avoid those problems, that will help you figure out a job that you can do if you choose to go back to traditional employment (in a workplace instead of working from home).

If you have a local employment agency, try looking for jobs there and speaking to a job counselor about options for specific kind of work environments.

You might want to look into whether there are any Autistic-friendly workplaces near you.

Alas our community isn't yet well-organized enough for there to be anywhere near as many autistic-friendly workplaces as we need, especially in rural areas (which is one of the reasons why we need to build the autistic communiy), but, who knows, you might get lucky in this regard, depending on where you live.

I haven't tried it so I can't say no. But because my sister's kids are ...., my sister is a drunk/drug addict that likes to yell, and my parents who have very good job actually have a hard time in their meetings due to them. I'm going to say most likely no.
Without looking too deep into this I'm going to say I most likely would hate it. But again, I can't say without doing a bit of research.



I've tried this through YouTube, and I've tried this in a few other places. I've heard of the site you gave, but I never tried them.
I've heard it's extremely hard to make a living off of this method. My goal at the end of the day when getting a job is to get to retirement. Like I might do things to get a few $ to buy a game, but this is far and few between when I do this. But at the end of the day I just want to get from where I am now to not ever having to work. (I know 95%+ of working people is the same ).



I've tried this a for a few years. I never found much luck in it and stopped when I found people were bidding $9 on jobs that I had to charge $300+ since it would take me a week. More than less it was people from 3rd world countries that didn't read the job. And while some might say the person awarding the job will miss out. The truth is, I miss out since I can't get any job without extreme luck or making getting jobs a full time job into itself.



I've tried this and found NO success in even getting a normal job. Where they wouldn't get back to me, and from my understanding it's normal. I live in the country, so it takes 15 min at 55 mph 1 way to get to the nearest city. This might be part of the problem.



Thanks for the heads up. I will take a look at it.

To be honest, I'm not sure if the worry if x place will treat me bad or not is causing the problem. Like right now if I knew I wouldn't become homeless and I would be economically OK if I walked away from the work world. At least when it comes to what we normally call the work world. I 10000% would.

I don't like to talk about it since it seems like it would paint a image of me being an emo or people will try to sell me lines on why I shouldn't. When it comes down to things, at this point if I had to go to a "normal" job, then I would be debating offing myself. And most likely that would win. Like it might be caused of the years of abuse in multiple places or how many hoops I had to jump through. But at this point I'm not even doing a deep think on how I would be treated or how well I will like the job. It's down to the point of just seeing a job I might be able to get shoots my anxiety up through the celling, I start feeling like throwing up, my body feels like I'm being attacked, and I would elect to off myself if I could vs even trying to put in.
This IMO is no where near normal. And this is something I highly wonder if I can get over it.

(UPDATE: I looked at the first bit and it said 80% of autistic people don't have jobs. I'm wondering if they are talking about educated or both. I seen studies say 85% of us with a degree can't get a job. But anyways, I wonder if maybe I am wrong and this is more normal than not.
Even if it isn't normal, I wish we could get disability in places like the USA without having to had the work experience. Like I would be extremely happy if we at least had some low cost UBI if you're autistic and maybe have other problems. It would at least take some of the pressure off. If it wasn't for the fact that I really need to make sure I can retire if I stay alive long enough. I think I would be OK with working 8 or so hours a week within my current mental state. And I would push for it if I had at least some basic UBI. But then again, even if we had that who would hire someone to just show up an hour and half each week day?)

It wasn't difficult for me. Tutor.com supplies you with a steady stream of students, their software tracks your hours automatically, and you can choose your hours (unless the company has changed a lot since I worked for them). I made 10-12 dollars/hour for tutoring Trig and Calc, and that was a decade ago; I'm sure wages have gone up. I made hundreds of dollars per month, depending on the hours I chose.

No job you choose at this point has to be the job you have until retirement, but such a job can put money in your pocket until you find something better. And honestly, if I understood you correctly, you said that you want to work about 8 hours per week? And you expect to retire on that? That doesn't seem realistic unless you have a ton saved up already.

As for working freelance, yes, it takes time to build up clients, but if you're doing nothing now, putting a little effort into it can't hurt. Most of the cheap providers speak little or no English, and many clients don't want to put up with that. Advertise your native English skills and you'll stand out.

I don't understand how living just fifteen minutes away from a jobsite is a problem.