Can't work, can't get disability

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I am so f*****g tired of not being able to keep the simplest jobs. I got sick constantly at my last three jobs (migraines just before leaving for work, stomachaches), and only several months after leaving my job did I realize it was anxiety and not me having bad luck and getting sick right before work and magically getting better after calling out. I don't have ANY job now except one babysitting job once every week or two for a REALLY nice lady and a REALLY easy baby that pays brilliantly. I was supposed to go today and was looking forward to just relaxing after the baby went to bed and catching up on reading, except for from the time I woke up in the morning to the hour before I was supposed to be heading over I couldn't breathe. I woke myself up that morning because I kept stopping breathing, and then all day I would be watching TV or walking the dog or talking on the phone and suddenly realized I'd stopped breathing. I called my mom because I didn't know if it would be worth my time to go to the hospital and she kind of blew me off. I called the lady right before I was supposed to head over to say that I was having trouble breathing and would head to the hospital, and then about 10 minutes afterwards I felt fine. I just wish my f*****g body and f*****g mind would keep up with what I want, I'm so tired of getting FAKE SICK right before I'm going to go do a job that I actually don't even MIND or that I actually LIKE. I've been on pills and they were working fine in every day life but now that my body won't even let me keep a f*****g job I'm starting to think I may HAVE to kill myself. Disability's out because, let's be real, I look too high functioning and even after having to put on a show for psychiatrists, my odds aren't good. I know exactly what I'm good at and what I want to do in life but if going to work makes my mind so anxious that my body gets sick, even if I LIKE going to work, then I don't know how I can possibly survive. I feel like I'm completely alone and out of options, and I know it's terrible but if something happened to my mom then at least I wouldn't have to stay alive anymore and I could be finished with everything. I get no joy out of life and haven't since I was 10. I'm working to stay alive when I don't want to at all, which could be tolerable if I could actually KEEP a job. If there is a god, it is a cruel sack of sh*t.

maybe you can work from home, i know some people who do that but Im not exactly sure what kinds of jobs that thy do.

Odd that you would appear too high functioning to get disability because it sounds like you have more severe symptoms than I do and I didn't have to do a lot of "convincing". Maybe it's Canada's health care system, I don't know.

Can you go see a doctor for your sickness. I'm sure there is treatment to it. I'd rather be on pills for it than being sick all the time and not being able to work. Your choice.

Feelgoodlost, I totally sympathise. It's awful. I got so much in debt in the end, it wasn't funny. Now I work only for myself and have managed to get myself into a much better position. Just hang on in there and keep looking for another way