How to tell aspie daughter her parents are separating

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Firstly: I have recently discovered my (also aspie) wife is cheating. This is not the first time and we've come to realise that we have to divorce. We fight all the time and the atmosphere is pure venom almost permanently. This is not good for a child, aspie or otherwise, to be in so really, no "work it out together for her sake" stuff. We're well past trying that.

But how do you explain to an 8 year old aspie girl who doesn't really understand relationships that her parents don't love each other and are splitting up? I don't know what to do

Can I first say that I'm not in much of a position to provide good advice to you, so I'm really hoping that someone else can, later.

I am, however, trying to imagine myself in your daughter's shoes. My own parents separated pretty much around the time I was born; my birth played a factor in it, and I've blamed myself for their relationship going wrong later in life when I was a teenager.

The one thing that springs to mind is, this separation will change your daughter's world, it will upset the status quo, even if that status quo is often unpleasant. This is fairly obvious, and would apply to most separation scenarios, but for an Aspie, as you say, it's all the more difficult to see your world change. If I can once more apply my own experience, I remember that when I was a young child and I saw that my parents no longer loved one another on a romantic level, I took solace in the fact that they each loved me unconditionally, and, at least in the beginning, they both took pains to prove that to me. So if I could give one piece of half-advice, it would be that you both provide the girl with comfort, comfort, comfort that the new situation is not going to be even less pleasant even though it's going to be different.

What you can do in more concrete terms, I am unable to say, unfortunately. I wish all three of you the best in weathering this situation, because this must be difficult.

I don't know anything specifically for Aspergers, but as you would with any child, make sure she knows it is in no way because of her, and that you both still love her as deeply as always, and that you will always be a family even if her mom and dad don't live together anymore.

My parents divorced when I was 3, (or 4?) and even though I grew up in an awkward situation, my parents made sure that I spent time with both of them. I had a good relationship with my Dad and a good one with my Mom, even though Mom had custody.
That provided me with so much stability. It was a regular routine - every other week, stay with Dad. I would say try to make it an even amount of time between you two, that she would stay. While you aren't living together, she's living with you both an equal amount. You don't lose the relationship with your daughter, and she feels loved and secure because of you both, no matter what you and your wife feel about each other.

My parents were careful never to blame me for the divorce, but I inevitably asked that question. It probably will come, but if you answer it with care and always show love, and don't change your actions, she will understand it's not her fault.

[Moved from General Autism Discussion to Parents' Discussion]

my parents divorced 3 years ago. (when I was 11) here's how my mom told me: (my dad was no there that night, as most other nights. I only saw him a bout once a week.) we were watching tv, and she paused it and said something along these lines ”well, me and your dad have been fighting a lot lately, so we ave decided to divorce" I cried for 3 day straight. After my parents got every thing settled in court, I was upset even more. Mostly, because of the change in routine. Every other weekend/Wednesday's I'm supposed to be at my dads house. But I only see him about 1 out of the 3 days I'm supposed to.this, I'm still not sure why.

anyway, for your daughter I suggest not beating around the bush when your tell her. And give her space after. Assure her that its not her fault and that you both love her equally. Tory to get 50/50 custody, but if you can't try to get as close as you can to it. Then stick to the custody schedule,because sometimes it hurts more when my dad calls and sais we can't come over. Also, don't plan on re-marrying right after, at least wait 6 months to a year, because if not it all be to much change to fast and you daughter will get mad and have a shut down.

I wish you luck and I hoped I helped

When I was 13 I WISHED my folks would divorce. The fighting was constant & I truly hated it. I even asked my mom why they didn't divorce, it was clear they weren't happy.

So you might actually just ask your daughter how she would feel if the two of you got divorced. You might be surprised, but in any case you'll find out where she is at & can respond to that.

And yeah, make sure she understands it's not about her. That grown-ups sometimes grow apart in their relationship & rather than continue to be cruel to each other, it's best to separate & move on. And that the child is loved, very much loved by both parents.

My mother hauled ass when I was 6. I didn't see her again till I was 12. he was in an abusive relationship and so had to get out before she got killed. he went to America where she eventually brought us kids to.

Did she tell us she was leaving? Nope. Just took off. My father was as poor as a church mouse and as drunk as a fool, so he split us up, gave us 5 kids to other people to take care of us.

Yes, I grew up with LOTS of resentment for both parents. This, unfortunately, has never been reconciled even till this very day. They're still like strangers to me.

One thing is that I was an adult when my parents finally divorced, but I agree that you should let your daughter know it's not about her at all, and that she's not at fault. Another thing that will help is to maintain a civil relationship with your soon-to-be ex as that will provide her some stability.

Divorce is something many children go through. While this website does not deal with the AS part of the picture, it might help with the divorce part. I like this website because it has info for parents, kids, and teens. Maybe it will help give you a starting point.

http://kidshealth.org/parent/positive/t ... vorce.html

I am a divorced mother of an Aspie son (he was 6 when his father and I broke up). I have 2 recommendations, which I feel would still apply to an 8 year old (as to some extent, I still rely on this approach in the aftermath with my son, now in 4th grade:

1) Find her a therapist if she does not already have one; if she does, get his or her help on this. I did this for both my Aspie and NT child. It gives the child a neutral and "expert" resource to help sort things out, especially if you and your wife's breakup is not amicable and she may hear conflicting things from you both regardless of everyone's good intentions towards her. My childrens' school's psychologist was able to recommend several therapists that had helped other families through divorces in my area.

2) I came up with a short list of very simple talking points, almost like a social story, that I would repeat whenever it seemed appropriate. It was along these lines:

"Sometimes adults who are married stop loving one another. This makes them unhappy to live together. This is not good. This is why your Mommy and I are getting a divorce. Mommy and I will live in different houses when we are divorced. We will be happier.

Parents and children are different. Parents never stop loving their children. I love you. Mommy loves you. We will both always love you. When we live in different houses, you will still live with both of us in our new houses. Sometimes you will come stay with me, and then you will go stay with Mommy. You will be able to talk to us on the phone/Skype/whatever when you miss us." ((If you have more specific information on likely custody/residence arrangements, offering it could be good. Using a calendar that is posted and shows Mommy and Daddy days/weeks/whatever visually can help with this).

In my case, the process involved a protracted and rancorous custody dispute and moving considerable distances, so I added information on possible outcomes while the dispute was on, e. g. "Daddy and I have not decided what times you will live with me. You might live with me during school and visit Dad every other weekend and for the summer. You might live with Dad during school and visit me. Sometimes, grownups cannot decide. If Daddy and I cannot decide, a judge may help us to decide."

With the whole cheating thing in the background, I would definitely recommend sticking to the first paragraph as the explanation of why you broke up. If Mom's lover enters the picture as someone your daughter spends time with eventually because Mom is living with him (in my case, there was a single specific other person involved that is now married to my ex), I would just add to this explanation that " Mom loves the boyfriend now, and that is why she spends time with him. Now she is happy with the boyfriend."

I also found that providing all the answers and information my son wanted worked well to allay his anxiety. If there were things I did not know (like where he would live in the future) I was up front about that, but shared mhy understanding of the possibilities. He had many questions about the process (family court, the role of our lawyers, whether he would play any role in the legal process, etc.) and seemed to be reassured to have a lot of information on these topics. As hierarchies, rules, government, and law are a special interest of sorts for my son, this may apply less to other kids.

I'm sorry to hear of your marital difficulties, I wish you, your wife, and your daughter all the best in working through this difficult time.

Remember that she is not a pawn in your divorce. Don't use her to hurt your wife, and do what you can to stop your wife from using her if it ever got that bad.

Focus on her. Even if you guys hate each other, it's about her.

Consider retaining a lawyer that specializes in men's issues related to divorce.

Don't beat around the bush, understand though she might be mad at you guys.

It's not your fault.

Let her know that even though things will change, both of you will still be in her life and normalcy will return.