As a 24 year old whom wants to understand parents...

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He wants you to make a list of chores without guidance?

Are you upset because it is hard for you to think of what needs to be on the list, or are you upset because you think it is childish to have to follow a regular schedule? Are you upset because it is being forced on you?

Here is why I ask this:

The "experts" always mention that lists are supposed to be easier for people with executive function issues. This includes Aspies and people with ADHD and even NT people with these kinds of issues, or memory problems etc.

(I make myself lists a lot, but that is on my own and no one makes me do it. I kind of like lists, but that is me not you.)

Are you afraid that your list won't be good enough and you are afraid he will criticize it in a mean way and make you revise it?

Do you object to following a list because you feel you will have to do tasks more than what is necessary if it is on a daily list.
(You can get around that by putting things like 3x a week, or whatever is appropriate for non-daily items.)

Depending on what your objections are, you can try to compromise with him. For example, if you are afraid of making a list, tell him you will try to make the list the best you can, but explain it is hard for you, and you may need help.

Based on what you have posted, I do not think he is going to trust you to just do chores as you see them needing to be done. Again, the experts advise a schedule. He doesn't want you to be able to say "I didn't notice that needed to be done." He wants you to figure out what needs to be done and estimate how often (for non-daily tasks,) Or if he is not making you do tasks that need (or he thinks need to be done daily) he wants you to have a list of things you know need to be done daily.

If you show willingness to do this (even if you think it is dumb) he might help you make the list. I am sure he knows what he wants you to do. He wants you to figure it out, too. The thing is that may be too hard for you right now. If so you will need help and he will need to give it to you. He may even have to make the list for you, but I do not see getting out of following it.

As far as your computer, that you paid for: Are you saying that he has not given you ANY path to getting it back? I think that is grossly unfair. If you make the list and follow it for a certain length of time without distracting yourself, you should definitely get it back. I really do not think he should have taken it in the first place, but I guess he felt he had no choice because you were too distracted and not getting stuff done. He at least needs to tell you how to get it back.

The whole thing of a list is that it makes it feel like slave work.. this is normally where I just feel like making excuses.. I hate lists.. Some things do require them and I am fine with them.. such as a grocery list etc..

What I want dad to understand and something I have been trying to say for a long time now is that I want to know when it needs done.. not a scheduled time. I want to look at the floor and say." hey that needs done I am going to vacuum" Not "Hey its Wednesday I better vacuum."

I want to find a mental trick to be able to 'know' to do work. Not a visual list that says you do this on this day even though you cant tell the difference till its done. It makes me feel like a robot. I don't know it feels like blank teaching.. I don't even know if it makes sense.

The computer will be 'returned' to me when I make the list and do it. (i think a week is what he said)

The work also on the list doesn't make sense.. I have in my mind what is called univeral chores... Chores that can be done by mulitple people due to traffic in the area etc.. Vaccuming is one of them.. I do not understand why dad puts dishes on the list and then I have to do his as well. This is where most of the issue is right now sense I am not usually home. I don't mess much in the kitchen so it feels like I am picking up after his slack. Right now I understand he is in alot of stress with helping his girlfriend get her new house straightend out but if he wanted to do this then he needed to pick up his end of the slack. That is what I would call responsibility. But I have to do it. I don't understand that..

I feel like such a brat and I should just do what he says.. I have balled twice now trying to explain it to him.. and the phrase he said last night just echoes in my head.... "You need to put Aspergers aside and just move on" (or something to that nature)

Everyone thinks I am using it as a crutch.. How am I using it as a crutch if its the way I think... Here let me just hit a switch and think like you all for a change............................................

There's no shame in needing a list to help you remember/notice what needs to be done. There are entire websites out there devoted to helping NT folks organize their housework, and most of them use lists in some way. Here's an example of how one woman is using a check-off list and a day-planner:
http://logyourmemory.com/2011/10/04/how-to-do-housework-sarah-style/

If you're willing to give something like this a try, I'd be happy to help with suggestions on how to start.

O.K, I think I understand better:

#1 - It feels dehumanizing to have a list of chores to do at certain times. You want to just do the chores when it looks like they need doing.
#2 - You object to what your dad's expectations are, particularly when it comes to things you have to do for everyone in your home, as opposed to just for yourself.
#3 - You feel like the work your dad does for his girlfriend does not excuse him from not doing stuff at home.
#4 - In general, you feel like you do too high a proportion of the chores.

I think he wants a schedule because deciding when a chore needs to be done is subjective. Everyone has a different tolerance for dirt, and he may feel like what you consider to be clean won't be the same as what he considers to be clean. By spelling it out in a list he is taking that subjectiveness away.

I have a seven year old, and he has trouble with adaptive skills for himself, so our "universal chore list" for him is really just shutting lights off when no one is using them. In our home, we are concentrating on him being able to do things for himself mainly.

So why do I give him this one very simple universal chore? You probably will not agree with this, but here is why: I want him to see himself as part of the family, and learn to do things for us (even if it is just the one tiny thing) just like we do things for him. We want to help him with reciprocity. So, this may be part of your dad's thinking.

Also in a family, there are always universal chores. You can choose to divide the work in a number of different ways. Sometimes, having each person do their own, is not the most efficient thing. Like with cooking dinner. Everyone could make their own dinner, but unless you have a really big kitchen and a lot of stove space, that could be a big problem if everyone wants to eat at the same time. So everyone could take turns making the family dinner, or one person could always be in charge of making dinner or everyone could take turns. Also some people are better suited for some tasks than others. I would not have my seven year old cook the family dinner, even though he eats a portion.

So whatever jobs there are that need to be done in your household need to be distributed some how. Are there jobs that you never have to do that he does, that benefit everyone? I would guess there are. If there are not, then that is a point you should make him aware of.

How do you determine how many chores are fair? I know you hate chore lists, but this is a different type of list. Think about everything everyone in your household does: Mowing the grass, home repairs, cooking, different types of cleaning etc. Try to list them all and make columns for each member of the family. If you make the list and you still think you do most of the chores, you now have a concrete list you can show your dad. That may persuade him you do too much. If he brings up other things he does like work and helping his girlfriend then you can bring up non-recreational things you do like work or school, if you take any classes.

If you can't persuade him, then there is not much you can do other than get the skills to live on your own. When you live on your own all the chores you do will be for you. If you reason with him (when you are both calm) you might be able to negotiate something fair to both of you.

Last edited by ASDMommyASDKid on 24 Oct 2012, 9:49 am, edited 1 time in total.

Thought about it for a bit... I want to recognize that it needs done.. not a schedule....there we go.. that sounds right..

Do you recognize that you need to look to see that it needs to be done?

Do you know what the signs are that it needs to be done?

How do people get to the point they recognize things need to be done? Even many NT's struggle with this.

Why is it so important to you to recognize something needs done? Does it mean you are an adult? Does it mean you are smart? Does it mean you did it like an NT? It is really hard for me personally to understand this need.

Secondarily, learning often occurs by scaffolding. That means you build the support and remove it a little at a time while you are learning new tasks.

What kind of scaffolding would be acceptable to you to help you learn the skill of recognizing when tasks need to be done?

Do I recognize that I need to look to see that it needs done?
yes, I am very well aware that I have to look to see.. I dont always do it though. I don't always notice it needs done therefore it doesn't get done..

Do I know what the signs are that it needs to be done?
Depends, Things that are directly in my face then yes. For example, laundry.. I am very close to running out of cloths and/or the 'bags' I use are almost full... are signs that it needs done and I know to do it.. (I never schedule laundry days.. those seem random) (Also kind of realized that considering most Aspies have this embedded concept of a schedule is not my norm... it feels weird knowing this for some reason)
Also if I see that the litter is not even.. and wavey ~~~~~ then the cat has used it and i know to clean it. (this only becomes a problem becuase I am not always downstairs) ....

wait a minute.... I just thought of something.. .. hmmm.... I will come back to that later lets move on..

How do people get to the point they recognize things need to be done? Even many NT's struggle with this.
Hmm this one I am not sure of. Cause I don't think alot of people actually know. Alot of people use lists for this explicit reason. Plus the stress of a busy schedule/life etc causes people to lose track of the need to be clean and pick up after oneself. Past ways of life and proper 'training' can also affect this.. maybe even based on personality.. Yeh... training.. sounds about right ( I myself didn't get this till not long ago.)

Why is it so important to you to recognize something needs done? Does it mean you are an adult? Does it mean you are smart? Does it mean you did it like an NT? It is really hard for me personally to understand this need.
Completely understandable. To recognize that it needs done... is like the prequel to actually doing it. It is the confirmation in my head that says ,"There is something that needs done. You see that it needs done. You are now responsible (for what ever reason) to clean this up." It is the visual part of me that learns by seeing. If I see it needs done then it shall (See the first question). It's almost like if i don't see it I can skip it. It's kind of the same reason why I reread books sometimes cause the information did not seem important at the time and have to catch back up again. There are also exceptions to this such as if I see someone already doing a chore I normally skip past them and let them finish the job. (Don't get me wrong I do help if I feel the need and the want.. I also do so if I am part of the mess that was made at the time.. EX: Dad and Mary made dinner. I ate with them so now I must assist in the clean up.) I feel this is more 'mature' then just writing up a list because you are catching the detail as well as the reason to why it needs done. Hopefully this makes sense.

Secondarily, learning often occurs by scaffolding. That means you build the support and remove it a little at a time while you are learning new tasks. What kind of scaffolding would be acceptable to you to help you learn the skill of recognizing when tasks need to be done?
I am actually not sure.. part of this whole ordeal is that I know what needs to be done, I just have to motivate myself to get on it... (Damn I am getting all sort of words today). More importantly I am trying to seek answers myself sense Dad is not understanding my needs and what I expect. So this is new territory, I have always felt I learned on my own.. though this may not actually be true... and I just feel like I have been on my own.


Now as for that idea. It randomly came to me a way to mentally remember a set of my chores. (mind you this is just a small amount of my chores.) I see there fore it will happen. I walk everywhere... So why not connect the dots? In other words, I normally leave the basket for laundry in my room. This keeps me away from the basement. So what if I remove it? I do not like the cloths laying on the floor so I am "forced" downstairs.. (assume this happens first thing in the morning and I am taking down my pajamas from the night before) There I pass my cats food bowl (this wont happen much sense we have those container bowls for the food and water so I can go long periods of time without having to fill it and surprisingly I don't forget this chore) afterwards I pass the kitty litter.. and see that it is wavey.. ~~~ So I put the small pieces of cloths and put them in the bags and do the kitty litter real quick. Or i could put the cloths away in the bags and see if they are too full or just right to put in the wash.. and if so do so then walk past the kitty litter and see it needs done then do it then (also not forgetting to clean up extra litter that gets kicked out of the box)....... If its been about 3 to 4 days sense the last vacuum I do so while i am down there.. no extra work going up and down the stairs and the needs are done within one trip. I would skip the vacuuming if it was done and be done in the basement for the day until i come home and change cloths and I would just rinse and repeat.

I know this seems like more work than just making a list.. but in a way .. I have just in my head and in a certain order of things made a list. I want to stimulate my brain in some way. I want to challenge the way my brain works.. I also like making creative ways of accomplishing ideas and concepts.


Is this weird?... oh wait .. I forgot what website I was on.. there was a reason why its called WrongPlanet.. XD one of the reasons why I even came to this website was because I felt that exact thing.. like I was on the wrong planet... <.< yeah.

This sounds like an awesome alternative idea and something that fits the way you think. Now you just have to get your dad to "buy in." You may have to write it out for him so his NT brain can understand and call it a plan of action or somthing. It sounds to me like you are very kinestetic and visual spatial. It seems the best "list" for you is a visual spatial list that you physically walk through. Maybe by throwing in the word "list" and explaining it to him, he will accept that it is a plausible idea. I don't know your dad, but hopefully he will be open and accepting of trying something new and different from how he would do it. As long as it works.

Dad has told me to stay off the computer. I am sorry, I have been logical up to this point. I am currently updating through my phone. I AM OUTRAGED! dad can go f*** himself! I am so pissed and angry! It just hits me harder and harder................ Ahhh! DX

So my dad has taken my 'computer rights' as of my last post. I am currently updating this at school. I am very depressed as of now. My concentration at school and work has decreased due to these actions I am about to state.

1) my father still thinks that I should take my aspergers put it aside and move on... really dad.. Thank you for loving me sooooooo much...... Dad says he does.. but its kinda hard to see that when he has said things like that.

2) Apparently, I have to show my room. For whatever reason I don't like it. I don't like showing my room. Regardless of whether it is clean or not.. I am not allowed to have dad not show my room. 'It is his house he pays the bills'.... So dad will show my room no matter what.. whether i pay rent or not...

3) Dad told me to not tell Grandma and Grandpa (his mom and dad) any problems here at the house sense it is causeing grandpa stress (he had cancer and a heart attack)... quite frankly if I am telling him how my life is going between me and him and it is causing him so much stress .. either dad is doing something wrong or he is doing something very drasticly different.

4) I have learned dad is a very prideful person. So prideful I don't think he wants to except I have something 'wrong' with me. It hurts. He is using information from 26 years ago. (he tried to use my sister as a reference for autism) I am not my sister yes but i am very much like her. Dad......................... I don't know..


A lil help on the situation would be appreciated. I feel so sick of my house. I am trying to get out with no avail. I feel pathetic .......... absolute failure.. these problems may not seem big to all you all.. but it does to me...


thanks for hearing me out. I have no clue what to do.

Hi, I haven't read all the responses so I apologise if I'm repeating some of what has been said, but I am a high functioning Autistic mother with 2 children. My son has Aspergers and my daughter is amazingly NT.

In response to your questions about your father removing your computer, he is definitely treating you in a childish manner, NT Parents seem to find it difficult to understand that you can be emotionally immature compared to your peers but still thrive in this world. It's rather pointless to analyse your father's attitude and I don't think it will help to talk about it with him. I think he sounds very much like the kind of parents I had, and my advice would be to leave home. I left home at 18 years old because my home life was just awful, I have had so many wonderful experiences in my life, I can't tell you, and every one of them has terrified me to begin with, but once you are on the road, you feel such a great sense of achievement.

My son is going to face this one day, if I don't ask him to leave he would live with me all his life, which I don't mind, as I love him very much, as we do fine together. I completely get him, but I know that if I hadn't left home through necessity, I would not have had the life I had, and I want him to experience the same, and not be afraid of the world. I think Fear is a huge problem for people on the ASD spectrum but honestly you more you do, the less fear you have. Good Luckl. Aida

Ok, I will try to address the recent points you made:

1) Yeah...not good. He might be trying to say that you should not dwell too much on AS. Maybe he thinks it is too negative or something. The thing is we all need to know our limitations and strengths to cope with the world. I think maybe if you tell him you are not using it as a crutch or an excuse but that you need to keep your limitations in mind as you figure things out, maybe it will help. If he is too stubborn though it won't, but you might at least get a better more useful explanation than to just ignore your AS.

2) I am assuming he gives tours of the house to people that include your room. My mom used to do that. I HATED it, so I totally get that. It is not about neatness; It is about privacy. I finally fixed it but I would not necessarily suggest doing what I did. I put pictures on my walls that my mom found offensive and would be embarrassed for her friends to see. That could have backfired, and she could have taken the stuff down, so I do not recommend it. Maybe you could put up things that are not offensive enough for him to take down, but he would not want others to see. Of course this may antagonize him, and may not be wise.

3) Have your grandparents been allies to you, and that he does not want them to take your side; or is it really a health concern? I think if I were really worried that he could not handle stress (You can have a heart condition and cancer and still handle stress) I would keep it to myself, but if I thought it was an excuse I wouldn't.

4) Ok, so he doesn't want to even acknowledge you have AS? OK, that helps figure out point #1 and maybe point #3. If that is the case, then that makes things way more complicated because he will not be able to understand your point of view at all. If that is so, I would try to do whatever I could to be self sufficient enough to leave, or find other relatives, room-mates or something.

Last edited by ASDMommyASDKid on 01 Nov 2012, 3:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You mentioned you are in school. Are you studying toward a particular or degree or certificate? How long is it likely to be until you finish? Does the school have an office that helps with disability services? I wonder if they might be able to help you find programs to help you transition to independent living...

1) Durring the fight I told him I was not uing aspergers as a crutch. I want to explore it.. I want to figure out my head. I am not sure what to do with this part. Still a bit lost.

2)He really hardly has people over. But when he does.. well ."To your left you will see the blank wall and to your right you wil see the door to my daughters room." *Flashes door open* "Dad I am naked!" XD I am not sure why but that popped in my head. I don't think it matters what I put up on my walls or anything of that sort.. its kind of a smaller example of the privacy over security issues but in this case its ownership.

I also kind of learned dad is very loud.. as in yells alot.. He yells at the dog if it doesn't do what he wants it to do... I think (going out on a limb here) he felt unable to be spoken out as a kid. Was shy alot and grew into this yelling ordeal if it doesn't work out.. not sure on this but still looking into it.

3) Grandma and Grandpa have been allies for the both of us. I completely agree with you on this. I also thought that if I am telling them the issue and they are getting stressed ... than dad is either doing something very drasticly different or drastically wrong if not both. This was just random from dad and have not heard this from either grandma and grandpa.

4) I think it is on a broader perspective. I was going by assumption. I think it is more that he doesn't want to imagine that I have any kind of disability at all. He always tells me that I am so smart and that this isn't rocket science. I dont think he understands.. and like I said he is using information from 26 years ago.. he thinks (from what I understand) its a much stronger form of OCD.. that autism in general like to have things in a certain way.. which is true but not ALL of it.



I have not thought of this. I don't trust my school for multiple reasons.. I am looking into getting an effiency.. however you spell it. As far as the school knows.. I don't have a disability.. chose not to tell them..

nothings changed.. I feel so much pain and depression.. fine I will do your damn chore list dad. Fine world, I am always f*****g wrong.. apparently even though I paid for my computer and I am 24 years old that means that dad can take it away from me.. Fine I will sweep and mop the floors twice a week and vacuumn (up and downs stairs as well as the front porch (It's an indoor porch)) monday wednesday friday, as well as do the bathroom floor and counters and mirrors and toilet every week.. along with picking up after my self.. oh and I will also put the dishes in the dishwasher even if they aren't my own.


Maybe I just need to go back to diapers... and just go back to being a child. Cause I am just a spoiled brat..


yeah I am just pathetic.... Everything I know is wrong... I have always been wrong....

Well, I don´t think that sounds as unresnable chores. My boys are 12 and 9 and I probably let them off to easy but they help with the dishes every day and do minor stuff around the house. The most important chore they have is to take care of their twin brothers (2 years old) sometimes.

They sometimes complain, but we are a family, and I can not do everything myself. somebody suggested to make a full list of all chores in the house (including shopping, cooking, gardening, house repair etc.) that could be instructive.

Do you cook sometimes? My 12 year old sometimes cooks our dinner (with help), that is a very important life skill to learn.

That said it is also important to take AS into regard. During meltdown time they are exused and do not have to help (or attend dinner or anything else).

Do your father have any AS traits? this is something that runs in the family. I have improved my perception of my own father after I realized I have AS (found out this year) and I now know that many of my fathers rather rigid ways are probably due to his own AS.