Why did my parents react so insensitively? Please explain :(

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I can't explain your parents because I'm not anything like them, as far as I can tell, from all you've written over the years. Or perhaps there is just a giant perception gap between what they mean to do / say and what you hear them do / say. I just don't know.

My first reaction, from your first post, was that they were trying to spin the positive on the situation, but that doesn't line up with the quotes in your later post, about the first time you brought it up.

The real issue is that they just don't seem to know how to talk to you or to help you. It doesn't sound like they get things right with you very often .... but, then again, you don't come here to vent when things go smoothly, and they must sometimes be helpful to you, or you wouldn't still be talking to them about these things, would you?

The situation does need to get fixed. This isn't a work ethic issue, it is about what you are and are not capable of doing. When a work issue sends you into smoking, drinking, anxiety attacks, and skipping workouts, then it is not the right work situation for you.

I do think there are steps you could take to mitigate the situation in your current job, but it is hard to help you with those from a distant computer screen. You are right to think that should have been your parent's job. Instead of offering rote lines, they could have brainstormed options with you, and helped you with scripts for meeting with your boss and negotiating the situation. In my mind, that is what parents do; that is what adults do. My mom and I still talk about this stuff, although over the years it has flipped from me asking and her advising to her asking and me advising.

Number 1 short term step: get some sleep back into your day. Tell your boss that you need one night a week you are not on call because the situation is messing up your sleep patterns which, in turn, also makes you less focused and productive. No doubt there ARE federal laws on this, because sleep deprivation is a serious risk factor for employee error.

Number 2 short term step: get your workout back into your day. Tell your boss that you need to find one hour each day to go off-line from being on-call so that you can tend to your health, which in turn will help you be more focused and productive, and ask him when he thinks the best time for that would be. Companies are well aware of the relationship between exercise and productivity, so that is how you sell it.

Number 3 next time step: separate cell phones for work and personal.

Put that stuff in writing if you have to. Those are 100% reasonable requests, they have nothing to do with a lack of work ethic, and everything to do with realizing it isn't in ANYONE's best interest - the employer's included - to run employees into the ground.

My peak career years were with a near sweat shop firm, with a reputation at the time for working it's people harder than anyone else out there. But no matter how rough it got, there were certain things they tried to make sure the employees did for themselves, because they knew you couldn't come back smart and alert next week if you didn't.

But, I also realize that it is probably too late to make this job work, and get things set right. Just, maybe those notes will help a little next time.

That job sounds horrible and they need to get off their high horses. I am stumped this time because I don't understand your parents thinking. I probably would have quit that job. I mean what if I am in the shower or out checking my mail? Am I to have the phone on me at all times? Am I to have the phone in the bathroom with me and if it rings, get out and answer even with wet hands? What if I don't get to the phone on time? Would they be mad still even if I did call back?

I got an update.

Last night, I had a phone consultation with a labor lawyer. He discouraged me from discussing anything in detail, especially online, but based on his reaction to what I told him, I have a good chance of getting unemployment benefits if I resign from this job.

I do not plan on sharing the details with my parents until I leave the job and get benefits.

To answer your questions, League_Girl, there are no "what if"s at my job. I have to answer my phone, period. If I don't, they e-mail my boss saying the couldn't reach me. And then he calls me.

About the job i think you are exploited....u need to get out of that job quick

about parents well they are narcisstic people... my parents are the same..
i cut off from them last 3 years im estranged..........

God save you

how can your parents respond appropriately to the amount of stress you are having as a result of the job if you are 'keeping them in the dark' about how it's effecting you. i'm going to go with they are trying to encourage you to continue working hard and don't know the full extent to what is going on and all the details(as you've already admitted to be with holding from them) they may not be all that understanding of a situation they have never been in, maybe they think you are just looking for something to complain about. hard to say when i haven't heard their side of the issue. either way, it is not their responsibility, it's yours. their pov is not always going to line up with yours.

I'm not keeping my parents in the dark about the effect the job is having on me; I'm keeping them in the dark about how much I smoke and drink to cope with the stress. If they find out, they'll just go into a moral panic and I don't know what they'll do. But I suppose it'll be very difficult for them to actually stop me from buying cigarettes and liquor, since I don't live with them.

There's also something known in the business world as a "reasonable expectation". While I don't expect them to say something like "damn, your boss is a [expletive]", it's very reasonable to expect some form of token sympathy like "we see, it's not a good situation". But responding with phrases that essentially mean "I'm glad your boss can exploit you however he pleases" and "we're not burned out, so why should we care about your stress" is the most glaring lack of empathy I've seen in my whole life! And according to NT society, I don't even have any empathy to begin with.

Aspie1, have things improved yet? I am thinking of you and hoping things are better.

Things have taken an interesting turn. Since being on call 24/7/365 was causing me to have nausea and vomiting, among other symptoms, my lawyer advised me to see a gastroenterologist and get checked out. So I did. Since my lawyer doesn't want me discussing details of the work he did, I'll keep it brief: I'm no longer permitted to be on call. Sadly, the duty was dumped on my co-worker. Although I respect him, I don't feel bad too much, since there should have been a rotating on-call schedule since day one.

When I shared the news, my parents were at least slightly pleased, although they seemed to be more like going along with my enthusiasm, rather than feeling genuinely happy. Their reaction was a lot like: "OK, we got it, if that's what you want". I only told them about not being on call anymore; I decided not to tell them that I'm working with a lawyer.

My lawyer has suspended my case, with a possibility of resuming it if needed, since my company came up with a working solution (for myself, at least). Since I paid in advance, I still have him on retainer in case I'll need help in dealing with my employer.

I think you did the right thing, and I hope this means that work will go more smoothly for you. These sorts of situations are very difficult to sort out, and sometimes it means getting outside help.

I am so sorry that your parents aren't there for you in the way you need them to be.

I am glad you were able to get the situation under control. Good to hear.

Take care, OK?

As for parents .... I don't know. Sometimes they don't see because they don't want to, and sometimes they don't see because they aren't quite the mind readers children seem to hope they should be. Either way, it is a shame when the right connection doesn't happen. I know I always WANT to be there for my kids, but it is an entirely different question as to if they believe I actually am.