Meltdown Screaming & Neighbours

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Thanks so much for taking the time to suggest this. I would feel totally unable to send them a letter though. I'm just a very private person, and can't approach people in that way. I feel like it's none of their business what condition my child has anyway, although I do appreciate it must really annoy them to hear the screaming, there is nothing I can do to stop her, and telling them our business won't change that. Even if I gave them our phone number (which I wouldn't) and they called, all I would be able to do was apologise I still wouldn't be able to stop it. And I don't want any sort of relationship with them, I know that sounds asocial but it's just how I feel, I've never associated with neighbours wherever we've lived, apart from one woman at our last address in a block of flats, but she wasn't our immediate neighbour she was on a different floor and she had a little girl and we got chatting in the lift because of the children.

The way I'm thinking, is at least Social Services have been round and know the situation, and should the neighbours call them again, they can reassure them it's nothing scary.

We desperately want to move, and I will do everything in my power to make sure we get a detached house next so we don't have to live in fear of neighbours, it's too much on top of the immense stress of dealing with the meltdowns and ranting.

Thanks again.

Hi, I'm an Aspie. I still scream once in a while when I'm too frustrated, but ever since I have started to vent through writing crackfics regularly, I'm less likely to scream when frustrated. Maybe you can encourage your child to draw or write something every day to vent whatever negative feelings bottled up within her.

You don't have to have a relationship with them to be polite to them. I've had neighbors who I never really saw, but if they had a party they would leave me a note saying "Hey, we are having a party tonight, if the noise gets too bad, just let us know."

I never complained about their noise, but I appreciated them letting me know.

A little politeness goes a long way and it may elicit understanding.

I am not sure if legally Child Services can tell them anything about your child, so you may end up with a situation where the neighbors continue to call the police and child services and make your stress worse.

On the other hand, if you send them a short letter just saying "Hi, I just wanted to let you know that our child has Aspergers Syndrome and the screaming your hearing is the result of a meltdown. There's not a lot we can do meltdowns once they begin unfortunately, but we wanted to let you know what was going on. If you would like more information about Autism, check out -send them that link-"

They may be more understanding of the situation, especially knowing it's a medical condition.

You can still hear screaming even if you aren't in an apartment. I live in the country, in what yo would call detached houses, and I can hear my neighbor two houses up when she screams at her husband. She's my friend and he deserves it though, so it doesn't bother me.

The thing is, I totally get it that you don't like them. They called DHR on you. Not cool, but they did think something was going on. They may not have any idea that a kid can throw fits like that without a serious problem. Most people don't. Most people either think screaming like that is a result of lack of parenting or abuse. It's not true, but a lot do think it. Writing them a letter can explain it and you can be standoffish enough so they won't bother you or try to hang out or be friends with you. In fact you could write it with more of a formal "stay out of my business" tone.

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My 4 1/2 year old is behaving like this too, he looks normal and is very cute and constantly saying funny things that attract strangers to him but he also frequently throws himself down on the ground and screams bloody murder. It's so exhausting and embarrassing, I am fortunate that my neighbors understand - when he makes a scene I apologize and tell people he's autistic which usually clears up the confusion because I live in an area where autism is becoming very common, just about everyone knows someone who is, but I'm Aspie like you and don't know how to handle social situations. My neighbors have been very nice but I can't even remember most of their names and I probably wouldn't recognize most of them if I saw them away from my street.

I am going to argue for coming up with some sort of letter. As much as I understand how you feel, you are are also creating a barrier to a plausible solution that does not need to exist. You are making it harder for yourself. By not reaching out to them, you increase their negative assumptions about you. Can you see the vicious cycle going on here? How each of you is affirming the other's worst conclusions by not sharing some information? One of you has to make a gesture, and it will be a whole lot easier to have understanding neighbors than it will be to medicate your daughter's screaming away. Granted, informing them could open you up to all sorts of unwanted advice, but it could also life a burden off your shoulders. If I was your neighbor, I would want to know.

You don't have to say a lot. A to-the-point statement will do: "I hope I am not bothering you with this note, but I felt it was time to let you what is going on in our family since I know you end up hearing so much of the noise that results. Our daugther is autistic. We are working on evaluating and mitigating her issues. I appreciate your patience and understanding."

You don't have to justify or explain anything more, just let them know the bare essentials so that you don't live in constant fear of calls to social services.

I know it is hard for you, that it feels like an intrusion, but as I said before, that barrier is of your own making. This is how most people solve these sorts of things, an accepted practice.

Beyond that, I don't know what to tell you. I will share that I had a very difficult time when my AS son was young and my solution was to medicate myself. Worked quite well. Much easier for me to see how medication is working on me than it is to see how it is working in my child, and it gave me that little bit of extra patience I needed to parent him and my baby better and mitigate the occurance of issues. But that sort of thing is a very personal decision, very dependent on facts and circumstances, so I can't really throw it out as a suggestion. Just letting you know what I did.

I wish you the best of luck. These can be rough years. But things usually do get better. Hang in there, OK?

I hope I didn't frustrate you with my reply, but I don't have all the information, so I sometimes just have to put thoughts out there.

I do trust you to evaluate everything said appropriately, and I do wish there were more feasible suggestions we could give you.

Many kids are helped tremendously by medication. I hope that will be true for your daughter.

My daughter also does this, and a few weekends ago had an extremely bad episode screaming in the back yard. I was afraid someone would call the police, but what can you do? My neighbors know about my daughter's diagnosis but that doesn't change the fact that when a child is screaming in panic that people do become very concerned. I am sure I look like the crazy one staying calm during the screaming episodes which are also often accompanied by self harm, but me staying calm is the only thing I can do. Inside I am really falling apart with worry.

I know what you mean. The type of screaming often sounds really hysterical and panicky.

Whirlingmind, I'm glad you got the bumpersticker. You are tired and exhausted, so that's a great, simple solution for right now, and I really hope they get the point and you don't worry about the neighbors any more.

Later, when you feel better, I would just consider this for a while. You have put a lot of weight on the fact that they didn't come and say they heard the screaming and ask if you are okay. I want to suggest that neither of you were capable of seeing the other's perspective, very common for both NTs and ASs. The neighbor had no idea there could possibly be any reason for a child's screaming other than that they are hurt. I had no idea of meltdowns until I gave birth to my aspie. As for not asking if they could chop your tropical plant hanging over their property, they may have thought there is no reason for asking, when it's already legal. I often think this way. So I'm just saying, you had an expectation of how they should have handled it, AND I AGREE THAT YOUR WAY IS BETTER, but it just didn't occur to them. I grew up with a more or less aspie father and I believe that that's why some of these things never occur to me. I know I don't meet people's expectations and I get so confused when they react strongly to something I did when I mean only goodness and kindness. And I'm NT.

So, I guess I'm saying I hope you can give the neighbors some slack and assume their intentions are good. You don't have to do anything different - I know you don't want to be social. But if you really think about their possible perspective, you may have a better attitude toward them and won't escalate into some problems. HTH

So you don't want to write them a letter to express what's going on, but you expect them to come up and confront, in their mind, a potential criminal and child abuser? If I suspect child abuse, and I confront the people, they might move and take the kid away to where I don't know the address to get the authorities involved.

Like Oliveoilmom said, I get that you are mad at then, but it's misplaced anger. They didn't do anything wrong. They thought your child was in danger and did what anyone should do in that situation. They had no way of knowing what was happening. They had no way of knowing if it was autism, a temper tantrum or child abuse. If it occurs a lot, it's not unreasonable for them to suspect child abuse. It turns out you weren't doing anything wrong either. I don't have kids, and I've never had CPS called, so I can't fully understand how you feel, combined with all the stress of dealing with the child, but I think you have to let this one go.

Baby steps.

I wouldn't push myself or my kid into a social situation, especially a social repair, that he or I wasn't prepared to handle. I also tend to go all turtle and pull into my shell in these kinds of situations (and in fact, I'm in one right now with a mother of one of DS's friends - per our therapist, I'm supposed to ask her for coffee but am too scared to do it at the moment. I am giving myself some time to process and plan before I do that.)

Do what you can. Social services has been called already, and I'm guessing that they accept that the screaming is what it is.

If you do decide to go the letter-writing route at some point, I am certain you can come here and crowdsource a letter that feels comfortable to you - I know I will be happy to try to help you, and I'm sure others will, too.