"This is my house, my rules!"

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There's a difference between explaining why and getting into a verbal sparring match with someone who wants to prove a point.

In my home we have three tvs, four computers, three ipads, four iphones, an Xbox and a ps3 all for four humans.

I work 40+ hours per week and homeschool my 13 year old. My DH travels for a living, so most chores are up to me. I don't require much from the kids because frankly making them do stuff requires more energy than I have.

One night a week, Sunday, I want to watch what I want on tv in the family room.

I do not believe that I should be required to have a big discussion about this. My house my rules. The first time, ok but come on...there's 52 Sundays a year. Must I really have the discussion again? Just so someone else sees me as fair?

Sometimes can't I just be a person in my own right without having to justify my actions based on parenting? Can't I just say....cause I said so?

Parents typically work really hard and it seems like there is never a discussion about what they need, just what the kids need.

Last edited by Kailuamom on 18 Dec 2012, 12:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Your needs are a valid explanation. A family is supposed to support everyone's needs. My parents have always explained it by pointing to some of my needs that they accommodate and saying that X or Y is a need of theirs, and explaining why they need it. Even fairly young children can get the idea that when someone is tired and stressed out they need something relaxing to help them feel better.

I get that the need is valid, but my point is that not explaining it every Sunday night is also a need, and I'm sick of the discussion. This is just one example of after a million explanations, I may answer, "because that's the rule".

I'm just trying to make the point that to the kid, it may still seem unfair or whatever and there comes a point where it is not open for discussion and a parent may say "my house, my rules, get over it", justly..

I also expect to explain something once or a few times and I would make my son know this is the same every time so I don't need to tell him it every time.

My ASD son is almost 4 and sometimes I explain things to him. However, I have no intention of explaining over and over again anytime we want him to do something. The world does not work like that. We don't know how long we will be around to explain things to him. The faster he understands that sometimes, he just has to do what is being asked, the better things will work out for him.

At work, I am allowed to asked my manager one time to explain something to me in great detail. I am expected to take notes. If I kept asking my manager to explain over and over again, why, I would have been fired a long time ago. I can only speak for my child, but he seems to have accepted the fact that mommy and daddy are in charge,

Children do not require or need the same amount of respect that an older adult has. Just because you are alive, no matter what your age, doesn't mean that you automatically get respect or special privileges. A child's brain is not developed the same way as an adult's is. That is why we guide and parent young children. I'm an adult. I shouldn't have to constantly explain myself to a child. Sometimes things just need to be done because that is the way things are or the way the world works. Life is full of things that don't have a logical explanations or seem not fun or unfair.

Sorry to hear that man, but I hear and empathize with ya.

Being less capable does not mean you deserve less respect.

Respect as individuals, yes.

Respect as sovereigns, no.

My House; My Rules.

Mi Casa; Mis Reglas.

My house, my rules. It applies to me when I'm at someone else's house, why shouldn't it apply in my home? It should, and it does.

It's really not surprising to hear someone who is still living with their parents has a problem with it. Either fix that problem and get your own place, or (if you can't), better get used to it. I'm sorry, but it's not your place.

It's all well and good to say we all ought to justify it to our kids because "they deserve explanations," but really, think about it. Some aspie kids demand explanations for virtually everything. I used to try to explain and reason with my kids about every single thing they tried to make me justify. There's only so much time in a day, and I don't have time to spend every waking hour justifying every single thing I say and do.

It's my house, and my rules. End of story. Don't like it? Grow up and move out.

I have to say that I like explaining why I have a rule (for the most part) as I feel it's part of my job in prepping them for having their own place and responsibilities. That said.. after a couple of times, I pretty done.

I find I am more willing to go in depth as they get older BUT less willing to repeat myself.

A person who is paying the bills and supporting the other people there has the right to set reasonable rules. That's just the way it is.

When I was a kid, we all knew that parents had rules, some had different rules, but nevertheless we had to follow them in other homes. Thats just how it was. You don't have to like or agree with a rule to follow it.

Before long, parents are going to be called abusers for telling their kids to turn down the tv at night so they can get some sleep, before going out to work to make money to support those same kids and pay the kids cable bill! Ridiculous.

I promised myself not to write posts about parents enjoying their power. I've done it before, and it didn't do much other than upset people without being really understood (except a few sympathetic individuals). Well, I'm going to break that promise now. The phrase "my house, my rules" seems to show certain sense of enjoyment in demonstrating control and domination in the parent, and weakness and helplessness in the child.

"Grow up and move out" is the usual comeback to a child's protests. But the child can't! He can't magically turn into an adult and move out. It'll take at least ten years. And for a little child, ten years is almost the same as a lifetime. And the phrase "my house, my rules" only enforces that reality. Now, parents who earn money, maintain the house, and keep the fridge full deserve to have power over their kids. What grinds my gears is rubbing it into the child's face with the aforementioned phrase. Once the child hears it, he knows that he's completely powerless in getting that changed, because the house isn't even his. He feels a sense of being completely overpowered, knowing that he won't be an adult for at least an eternity.

It wasn't always this way. As recently as 100 years ago, children had plenty of power in their own lives. By age 3, they had simplistic jobs, like dumping grain into the henhouse and wiping down store shelves. By age 8, they were already tending farm animals and using a hammer to assemble wooden crates. By age 13, they could do most jobs adults did, with a possible exception of heavy lifting. They could even start a business selling snacks or crafts on the sidewalk. Back then, even though parenting was much more strict, children had a choice to move out, because they could afford to. There were no laws forcing them to return home if they chose to take that step. So 100 years ago, let alone 200 years ago, the phrase "my house, my rules" was very much justified. The child was choosing to rely on his parents instead of making it on his own.

But today in 2012 (soon to be 2013), children are forced to live with their parents, unless they go through an obnoxiously difficult process of emancipation. And runaway laws make moving out truly impossible before age 18. So telling them "my house, my rules" is very much unfair, because they have no choice in the matter, like they did in 1912 or 1812. I'd have no problem with the phrase if the laws were different. That or if the child had the ability to step into a time machine-like contraption and magically fast-forward his age to adulthood. But that's all wishful thinking, isn't it? OK, stepping off my soap box now.

You should keep in mind that just because some of us are proponents of "My house, my rules," doesn't necessarily mean we "rub it their faces," nor does it mean we never explain anything to them or reason with our kids.

There are limits to how much time we can spend explaining and justifying rules. When those limits are reached, then it's, "My house, my rules." Kids can be miniature lawyers. They question virtually everything. If we spent all of our time reasoning and justifying virtually every decision we make, nothing else would get done.

Yes, we need to be reasonable with our kids, but we also have to teach them to be reasonable too. Growing up expecting and getting debates over everything under the sun is not reasonable, and sets them up to be combative with every rule they encounter. Not a recipe for success.

There are many situations, in fact I would say most qualify, when it is simply best to accept the rules and go along with them. Kids need to learn there is a time to question, a time to "fight the power," and a time to let it go and cooperate. The last should be modus operandi most of the time.

I do not enjoy having "power" over my child. In fact, I wish my child would just follow one rule or direction ever, it would be the pride and joy of my day. I cant stand that I have to demand or resort to "becasue I said so" with my son. But there is no other way that my son will comply.

Then, what do you suggest we parents do if a child refuses to comply, and a child wants to know why a million times when you already told them a million times and if you ask them what they think the answer is, they will tell you. And then knowing why for that millionth time wont change the outcome.

And dont forget, we are doing a million things too. If I had a miad service, an animal care service, a nanny to care for my other child, take her to Drs and school and appts, a teacher to teach my son, etc...myabe I would have the energy and recourses to continue to calmly explain the whys every single time, and to calmly wait out the meltdown, the complaints, the bargaining...but I dont have all that and in the midst of his refusal to comply life is going on, and I DONT have all day to wait around for him to get it. And that isnt how life works. We want our kids to grow up to be functioning adults. As an adult, my son cannto constantly question his boss, challenge his boss, change the rules of his job, etc...or he will get fired.

I dont tell my son to move out, he is only 7, but I do tell him that one day when he is an adult, if he wants to do X,Y and Z, that is up to him. For now, he is a child and he needs to do what is expected of him. Just as, when I am at work I must follow my jobs rules. When I go home I can do otherwise. OR, lik when I was younger, when I get my college degree I can get a better job! Or like when I was a kid, I had to follow my parents rules, and then I grew up and things change.

It is hard from a childs perspective, I understand and remember that. But it is our job as parents to teach them and when they refuse or become defiant, what does a parent do?

It's so easy to judge parents when you don't have kids yourself. Children are not puppets, they are unpredictable, you do not pick their personalities or the way they are going to be. You also don't get to pick how their minds will work.

I used to think as a child that parents had kids just to control them so I couldn't wait until I had some of my own so I can be in control and enjoy punishing them. Whenever mom would tell me she does not like yelling at us, I would think that was a lie because if she didn't like it, she wouldn't be doing it. I also thought she liked punishing us kids or else she wouldn't do it, same as sending us off to bed and being the bad guy. But then when I got to my teens, I realized that is not what it's all about and parents are not doing these things to control them nor to have joy out of it. They do it because they are supposed to and it's part of being a good parent or you are being a lazy one if you are not doing your job. It is your job to teach them and teach them manners and how to act and get them ready for the real world when they are adults. Discipline and punishments happen because it's to teach the child to mind and follow the rules and obey or there are consequences. You don't want the kid to grow up and not be able to follow the rules so they keep getting into trouble with the laws or keep getting fired from work because they were never taught as kids to follow them. Kids also need limits, it's how they develop. They will also test their limits too by breaking the rules to see how serious you are so if you are consistent and follow through, you get more respect out of them. Sure to any child's perspective, parents are too controlling and always tell them what to do and they love control. When i was in 6th grade I said grown ups have all the power and kids don't. That was because I was taught to obey and follow the rules or there is a consequence and kids don't have as much rights as grown ups do. But my view changed and I didn't even need to have kids to get this so it amazes me how some people still don't get it despite being an adult. I wonder how many out there on the spectrum thought the same until they had their own children?

Since parents don't like to be the bad guys by punishing them, that is why they fail to be consistent by not following through and then they wonder why their kid never listens to them. Kids are smart so they know you are not serious with your threat so why listen? That is why they test their limits, to see where the boundaries and are how much they can get away with. Like if you tell your kid at the movies if they do not settle down and stop talking, you will leave, do leave when they do that again, not stay and tell them again to be quiet and no talking during the movie.

Sure there are parents who are truly controlling so they never let their kids make their own decisions and as a parent you are supposed to let them make their own choices like what they want for breakfast, what they want to wear to school, what do they want for McDonalds, what movie they want to see, letting them picking out a movie to rent or a game to rent. That teaches them to make decisions and as a parent you help them make the right choices so you may pull out their winter outfits and ask them which outfit do they want to wear that day. Sure there are parents who do buy things for their kids just so they can take it away. But what ends up happening is, the kid stops appreciating gifts from them and I read a post at Babycenter about this nine year old boy who was putting all his toys in trash bags and taking them out to the garage and the mother asked him what he was doing. He said he was throwing them all away and she asked him why, he said because she will just take them away anyway. The mother did not care. I thought it was sad. I once read another post by someone who said she got a car for her birthday when she was 16 and the first thing she said was "Is that so you can take it away from me?" I think there is a difference between a parent buying something for their kid they know they will enjoy and then eventually taking it away as a punishment vs buying that thing for them just to use as a punishment because they know they will enjoy the item.