Should I have kids?

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That is bad. Any number of things could happen aside from autism, by the way, even with an NT mate. If she is not prepared for that and is already admitting to intending to play the blame game that is a huge red flag.

This is a situation where she needs to respect your time frame. If she can't - red flag. BTW, the fact that you have a stable home and a pet is good - but you don't want to have a baby to replace a social life. The ultimate goal of parenting is for them to grow up and leave.

I also concur with above posters that if GF isn't prepared for any eventuality with a baby, she isn't ready. They are right, you are at higher risk for an autistic baby - but also, there are all kinds of other factors. Who knows, your GF may be genetically predisposed to something else, and then there is always the possibility of some kind of accident.

Maybe the first posters who suggested counseling are on the right track. Lots of men and women have unrealistic expectations of parenthood. Parenting seems straightforward, but the reality is that it is all about flexibility and adapting to circumstances beyond your control.

Which will break your heart, every time.

Whoa. HUGE red flag.

Someone who's actually ready to have a kid will bite the bullet and deal with whatever that child brings.

That statement, if it's accurate, waves a flag that says she's looking for some fantasy, or a cute little accessory she can drag around, and is not someone you want to be having kids with even if you are not ambivalent.

Lest it sound like I'm pushing you, let me echo Fnord's statement. MEN HAVE REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS TOO!! !!

Advocates would be foaming at the mouth if a woman said she felt pushed into having a baby. Men might not have to carry it and squeeze it out, but they do have a moral obligation to shoulder the responsibility of helping to raise it. Men also have a right to say NO.

Of course, this is coming from a woman who flatly refused to abort an unplanned child. My in-laws thought I got pregnant deliberately and put a lot of pressure on me to get an abortion, even accused me of trying to ruin Precious Baby Boy's life with all these kids. I told Hubby that we could raise her or choose to give her up for adoption, but it was MY body and I could not live with killing a perfectly good human being simply for being conceived at an inconvenient time.

Speaking of my in-laws-- Look, if you have a lot of conflict with this woman or feel as if she has contempt for you because of the way you are, DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH HER. Get the hell out, posthaste. I love my Hubby dearly, but we are never going to be truly happy with each other, and he (to a lesser extent, but it is definitely there) and his family will always hold me in contempt no matter what I endure, what I provide, what I do.

Don't do that to yourself.

If your not prepared to devote your time and love to your children, don't have them.

We have enough f****d up unloved children causing problems.

Forgive my bluntness, but it is a deadly serious issue and there are no do overs.

The kid would certainly be loved, that isn't a concern.

After 5 years together, it's time to make a decision on whether to commit to a life together or to go your separate ways. This includes the decision on whether or not to have kids -- if having kids is very important to her and you don't want them, it's not a match. Likewise, if there are red flags that you're not a good match, it's time to acknowledge that fact and move on.

Supernew, based on what you posted how can you be sure? If she is going to look for someone to blame if her child is not "perfect" than do you think she will be able to hide that negative opinion from your child? If she loves your child for who he/she is then blame does not come into it. If the baby is high maintenance due to autism, another special need, or just temperament, and she is frustrated and plans to take it out on you, how is that not an issue?

I think it is important to note here that people just starting out on a new life together tend to say things they don't mean, especially when they don't know what they are talking about - and, sorry, if you aren't a parent (unless you raised a sibling) you have no idea what it is going to be like.

The issue is, you need to find out exactly what your girlfriend means, and to negotiate this. Again, a counselor can help clarify issues and make sure that everyone is on the same page. Doesn't necessarily have to be a therapist, could be a pastor, etc. But you need an impartial third party to help you talk this through.

Asdmom: Well we do have some problems but I find myself doubting I will find anyone more suitable. She's very understanding. Also I think she would get over any blame for me once the kid exsisted, she would focus on him/her. Hopefully this wouldn't lead to her ignoring me... Heh

Zette: I may unsure about having kids but I wouldn't say I don't want them. I'm sort of torn about it, I don't know if I should do it or not. I can see the upside but am terrified of the more obvious negative outcomes of which there are many!

Read over the many, many posts about girls, babies and relationships out there on the internet (it is rare that a male - which I assume you are - brings up this issue, but your gender doesn't matter here.) Most women have learned that babies, instead of a stabilizing force for a troubled relationship, become a dealbreaker and a reason to split up - they add fuel to the fire. http://www.femalefirst.co.uk/relationsh ... 44757.html

Let's put it this way - if you split after the baby, you will be stuck with this woman and vice versa because you will be linked through the child no matter how bad your relationship gets - so it would be like being broken up, but being forced to work together. Healing from divorce or a split is difficult at best - in such a situation it is very, very difficult. Even if you decide not to parent your child (or vice versa) there are still legal entanglements such as child support, visitation, grandparents (nothing like having a kid to make your in-laws and parents a major part of your life for better or worse.)

If at all possible, before having a baby, you need to make sure your relationship can handle anything the universe can throw at it, and that you are able to work through any differences with your spouse. This is because parenting requires incredible amounts of teamwork, significantly more - and you are going to disagree significantly more often than you did when it was just the two of you. You need a relationship where you know how to work through disagreements even when you are severely sleep-deprived and covered in vomit - because it IS going to happen, and it's not cute when it is happening to you.

So - before asking if you should have a baby, ask yourself: Am I OK with being a single Dad? Would I want this woman to be my ex-wife and my child's mother? Sometimes imagining the worst-case scenario can really tell you something.