My GF's son has Aspergers: Advice needed

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Sounds like you are doing a great job! One of my favorite parenting techniques is using "After you...., then you can......" statements. After you clean your room, then you can play videogames. After you do your homework, then you can have a snack. Repeat after every whine and objection.

I had problems focusing on homework too. It would have REALLY helped if someone just sat near me to keep me on task. Like have your stepson do his homework at the kitchen table and you sit at the table and read the newspaper or something. Just having a person nearby would have kept me from spacing out and mentally wandering, which I did when I was alone in my room.

With the bed time we have a set time, my little guy takes a couple hours normally to fall asleep. Our bed time rules are at 8:30 we brush our teeth, take our medication, get a quick drink, pick something to sleep with (only one thing), say our prayers, then as long as our head is down, the light is off and we are in bed you are okay. I also give 1 hour, 30 minute, 15 minute 5 minute and 1 minute reminders before bedtime.

The reminders help to know that it's almost time to quit what we are doing, I need to get to a stopping point. (my son needs a transitional activity, always one last thing to do before he can move on. even if it is just arranging some legos into color correct piles.

The timer things works wonders with us, I use it as a last resort though. It's a "I feel that this should take you 10 minutes to do" (after he has been procrastinating for a while) "If you are not making sufficient progress in those 10 minutes you don't get to play the Xbox tonight. 10 minutes, ready, set, go." It normally does the trick. Every once in a while though, he will ask for me to set a timer so he can work faster. Also, with homework, make sure he has everything he needs, he might not be doing it because he needs something and just doesn't think to get it or ask for it. My boy sat in school for 25 minutes not doing anything before a teacher realized he didn't have a pencil out. Well, you can't work without a pencil, so he wasn't working. Ask WHY he isn't doing his work, the answer might surprise you. A little freedom to choose WHERE he works (within set parameters: ours are somewhere with light and quiet) my boy works best squatting on a little school desk while doing his work, he looks funny, but it gets the job done.

Watch for signals. If he is truly stressed, he won't get be able to get anything done. ie: my boy starts to bang his head on the back of his chair, or a wall. When we get to that point I ask him to take a couple minutes (normally about 5 or so) to calm down then we start again where we left off. (sometimes we try a different homework subject for a little while to get back into motion, but I always ask him if he would rather work on x before we move back to what we were doing.) If he is truly having difficulty on a subject, write a note to the teacher, my child is having issues with this subject, we worked on this page for x minutes and he is having difficulty understanding the concept. leave it at that, and let him move on to the next subject.

I suggest having a schedule, but not one that is set in stone. Do SOME things at the exact same time each day, ie lunch, snack, bed. but leave areas that can be worked around, try to let him know what you will be doing that day the day in advance if at all possible.

With the stims, as long as he isn't hurting himself or others and he is making SOME progress or trying to at least, let him. You can redirect some, if he's banging on the table let him gently know that he is moving the table and it is difficult for the other child (if he/she is still doing theirs) to concentrate while he moves the table, that is normally good enough to change his activity for a few minutes, just be ready to remind him again in a couple minutes it's most likely subconscious. just say the same thing, in the same gentle manner.

Also, with the schedule and your child is older than mine, ask him what he thinks would be a reasonable addition. Let him know that you are ultimately in charge, but would like his help figuring out a good schedule. With input into the schedule (give reasons why you don't think his ideas would work or why they are good, but not quite fitting) he should feel more in control of himself. Some of the not quite fitting things in the schedule could possibly be adapted for him or you could say how about x.

Discipline is good as long as you understand the why behind what he is doing. Is he overwhelmed, is he having trouble switching between activities? that kind of thing. Sometimes a whole page of math problems can look like a whole bunch, perhaps have him find the middle one and do it first, then when he gets all the way to that one, he gets a break. that type of thing. With the bed I just say "It is past 8:30, it is time for bed. The lights should be off and your head should be down." Mostly I take gaming privileges away, watch out though, because sometimes he might just decide that something is worth to consequences. I do the "You should be finished with this by x, if you are not finished by this time you don't get to play games tomorrow, regardless of if you are finished with it or not by the time the timer dings you will still finish it." (we go for the night, then the next day, then the whole week with no games.)

hope this helps, not to say that my house always runs smoothly or anything, but I've noticed that we have less stress for him this way, and that seems to help everyone involved.

one word on discipline- correlation.........my aspie always had difficulty seeing the correlation between a random punishment & his misbehavior. over the years, we learned that there needs to be a direct correlation between the act & the punishment
For instance, pre-dx our son would get punished for not doing his homework. We would tell him that he would not get to watch tv the following day because of this............. .........Son would have an absolute fit, and argue about why we were taking away the tv. "the tv has nothing to do with homework. " In the end, he was right . The tv had nothing to do with that particular instance. We felt that taking away the tv would be an effective way of getting him to do his homework
Now that we have a dx, and understand a bit more about AS, this is what a typical punishment would be: For not doing your homework- write a letter about why you didn't do your homework & explain what you could do differently next time.