NT siblings and fair parenting

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Thank you for the advice. It is encouraging to hear from others that have gone through raising kids with two different neuro-makeups. Sometimes when my wife and I look at what we have gone through and the road ahead it can be very overwhelming. It seems almost impossible to come out the other side. It really means a lot to me reading through the posts in the parent forum.

Thank you. We are doing some of this. My KA son has pretty major sensory issues that prevent most activities from being positive for him. He is in special ed and I know that they are working on helping him handle the overload but it takes time. His brother is a lot more adventurous and loves action and activity around him. When we go out as a family we will often split up, one of us with each child and find different things to do.



We have built a room of sorts for the youngest one. We realized early on that his brother needs his sanctuary. When we have company, or other kids are over his room is off limits. Other parents sometimes disapprove but he needs his space. When it gets violated (just happened this holiday, grandpa and some cousins thought he would be happy if they went in and built him a really neat Thomas track They meant well...) I have to commend you on raising 3 kids on the spectrum. I feel so overwhelmed sometimes, with the ups and downs. I have a lot of respect for you.

That makes sense to me. I can imagine it is hard for the NT child with the sibling on the spectrum.

That's nice. I got lugged around to a lot of events. The intensity of the sun in the car gave me migraines, so most of my childhood memories of family get togethers involve hiding under heavy blankets from the sun, feeling nauseous and awful.

I don't know how verbal your is, or how aware of pain, but I have had real issues with one of mine not realizing or verbalizing physical discomfort until it is severe, at which point he is in overload/meltdown mode. This means that he appears to go from content to crying wildly that he has to go potty, or is hot, or cold, or his ear hurts (as it turned out, he didn't feel the pain soon enough to prevent the eardrum rupturing).


Yeah. I'm that way too. Even if my space is messy, it's *my* mess, and I know where things are. When it gets changed I feel so extremely violated. My 8yo aspie was obsessed with Thomas and wouldn't suffer interference with his tracks either.

Anyway, thanks for the kudos. I'm aspie too, so in a way, raising the normal ones is more difficult for me.

Thank you for the insight, it is very helpful to me to read posts here. I can sometimes feel so disconnected sometimesfrom other parents. It is like we are in the same theater but watching two different movies...

My son seems to sense pain fairly well but is unable to communicate what hurts pretty much unless it is his foot or hand. He does seem almost impervious to heat or cold sensations but that is not too much trouble yet. We are working on it...

I was so mad about the track thing. I was also that way as a child (GI Joes I would setup and leave) but even so I would think it would be obvious to any adult. It is his sanctuary, leave his stuff alone. *sigh*

Thank you for the insight, it is very helpful to me to read posts here. I can sometimes feel so disconnected sometimesfrom other parents. It is like we are in the same theater but watching two different movies...

My son seems to sense pain fairly well but is unable to communicate what hurts pretty much unless it is his foot or hand. He does seem almost impervious to heat or cold sensations but that is not too much trouble yet. We are working on it...

I was so mad about the track thing. I was also that way as a child (GI Joes I would setup and leave) but even so I would think it would be obvious to any adult. It is his sanctuary, leave his stuff alone. *sigh*

First step is for you to realize, deeply realize, that "fair" isn't "the same". Next step is figuring out how to explain that in way little kids will understand. Which is tough, sure. But it's a pretty valuable lesson, applicable beyond just their brother, when you do get it through.

EDIT: Of course that also means you shouldn't be crutching on using "the same" as an argument/persuasion/reason with your children. But that's covered by the first step, right?

So what if the NT child is a picky eater, at one stage or even always? Goose, meet the gander that it's also good for. *shrug* Big friggin' whoop if he doesn't eat everything put before him. Keep plugging away, choose your battles. It's funny, I find that the general approaches I use for the ASC one are still applicable to the NT ones. The specifics are different but they are different between kids anyway. Firm patience mixed with a realization that stuff isn't going to be "perfect".

Ultimately the NT child needs to want to eat the food he does eat, for the same reason the ASC needs to want to eat the food he does. The chance of the NT child suffering some significant self-inflicted malnutrition is hugely lower than the ASC child's. Once you get past the "is this dangerous?" question you've got a whole lot of leeway to give the kid.

Ahaha, well they like each other's toys. Christmas is like a swap-meet. With 'animated' negotiations.

Now I'm fortunate that the age difference is 2 1/2 years and the ASC is close enough to age-appropriate maturity that it is very reasonable we demand he not beat the crap out of his brother for whatever infraction. When they were younger the phrase "be gentle with your brother" was used a lot ((EDIT: try keep it in the positive, not the negative like "don't hit your brother" because when someone's receptive language skill is weak negatives can be confusing and counterproductive.)). We also use the ASC's bedroom as the 'safe place' (as opposed to a place to be put for punishment) where he can go bring himself down when his brother gets to him. Because his brother does, and the ASC has up and smoked his brother with a punch or two or a push on more than one occasion. A couple years back there was a period where he would push his younger brother and step into the push so hard that his brother would literally go flying (ASC has very strong legs as a result of his stimming). That was something we had to work on a lot, as it was a very obvious safety issue. Also, the NT learned how to push his brothers buttons and would do that ... then try to play the victim. Yeah, gotta watch for that. The ASC still has learn to control himself but you have to make sure the NT learns the passive-aggressive stuff isn't acceptable either.

Really though I think these incidents are actually great opportunities for you to teach the ASC child so they are better prepared to deal with this on their own when they start being exposed to other children and you aren't there. The toys especially, it was an opportunity for us to teach him, in a crude form, a negotiation technique to get the toy he wanted by swapping another toy in. How to deal with getting what you want in a more positive manner than just yelling, screaming, and yanking.

EDIT: Oh, and definitely space. To whatever extent you can, make that space for the ASC and NT to separate. Because trying to force the situation just isn't going to go well. I wouldn't dream of putting our kids in the same bedroom. The ASC just tolerates the rest of us being in the same house, I'd imagine that the same room would go very poorly. For both.

Last edited by DwightF on 09 Jan 2009, 10:40 am, edited 1 time in total.

even if you can't find a total seperate space for your child, you could manufacture a temporary space that he could use to get away....for example, what about cordoning off a corner of a room so that he could use it. or what about having things that only he could use ?

I do know one ASC kid that now shares his room with his younger brother. There are only the two of them, so that probably helps. Another 3rd child can really change the dynamics. Anyway these kids were definitely different room kids up until a flood in the home forced them to share the same room for a week. Then they preferred it. Go figure, maybe that'll change again over time? Their personalities were compatible enough to make it work. They still need their generous amount of separation though. *shrug*

BTW one thing I haven't seen mentioned yet is simple attention. ASC casts a big shadow that can take up a lot of your time and energy, depending on the nature of your AS child. Especially at this young age, you probably should watch how much attention, and what kind of, and in what manner (can they get your attention RIGHT NOW at least sometimes?) the NT child is receiving. I know it's been really rough on our younger NT son because there is full-out "middle child" going on to because he has a sister that's 18 months younger than him. Fortunately now those two are getting to the age that they entertaining each other, they are quite close now even though the NT boy was VERY jealous of his baby sister when she was an infant and toddler.

This thread really hits home for me, because I have an NT older sister. While we were both growing up, I always knew that she was my parent's favorite. They denied it, obviously, but the signs were clear beyond all doubts, and I still believe it to this day. For instance, when lunch or dinner time rolled around, my parents would tell her "open the fridge; pick what you're going to eat", while telling me "eat what you're given, and don't complain!", even when me and my sister are both in the same room. During conflicts, my parents always took her side, and I was always the one who got punished, oftentimes quite severely. Even on rare occasions when my parents realized I was right, they simply told my sister to leave me alone, and let her walk away. When she told my parents something about me, they'd take her word for it in an instant, but when I told them something about her, they'd yell at me about not being obedient (their words), and tell me to go to my room. With all that said, some of my favorite toys were the my sister's old childhood toys that she passed on to me, and she was generally nicer to me than my parents were. In other words, she was somewhat better at telling me to behave without putting me down.

I rationalized the whole thing as follows: that my sister was a full member of the family, and I was just an associate member, so my parents could treat me however they wished. In addition, I believed that you get full membership when you become a legal adult. What's horrifying is that I saw all this as perfectly normal, and thought other families are like that too.

That relates back to what I said upthread about taking our NT daughter out to our special coffee shop. We set aside a time for one parent to take her out and do the things she likes.

Also each school holidays hubby and I take turns at taking NT daughter away for a night or two. So twice a year she flies interstate with me to visit my parents for a couple of days. Hubby takes her out to stay at a fancy hotel in the Melbourne CBD twice a year. This works really well for us as our HFA has gotten very sick on each occasion that she has flown interstate to visit my parents - I don't know why, is just the massive change, is it something in the environment that makes her ill, I just don't know and I hate causing her pain by making her go so we don't. For us the best bit is that Hubby and I take turns at taking NT daughter for a little holiday and the one that stays at home gets one on one time with HFA daughter - win win all round. Takes some budgeting and planning though but is very worthwhile.

Just to add:

Sometimes with my NT daughter it can be as simple as a touch on the shoulder, a shared glance, just a simple contact. A quick acknowledgment that you are aware of them and their needs also.

Sorry leechbabe, I totally missed that post.

Happens to me all the time

Thank you for the advice DwightF. There is a lot of info there. I meant to post a reply earlier but I mostly post on a handheld and there was a lot of meat here. I recall reading a similar point in one of the books I read while going through the diagnosis process. I do understand that equal is not fair, and that is why I asked. The difficulty as I see it is finding the balance of what ASD child needs and what NT child needs. Especially when the children are so young. I have read numerous posts in the general discussion forum about how much peoples' parents hated them and such. I don't want either of my children ever believing that.




One of the things that drives me mad in dealing with friends and family is the constant judgment of how the younger NT child is spoiled or being raised differently. One of the points brought up a lot is meal times because we are pretty accomodating to the kids. My understanding is that the "normal" preferred method is to serve the food and let the child choose to eat or not but don't substitute.



This sounds like our house. I sometimes slip with a "Do not hit him", etc. We actually got some visual cards we are working with for no hitting and no pushing. They work for a little while...



Yeah the little guy is already learning to manipulate his brother. It helps him avoid fights but we are learning to look deeper if he started it. *sigh* We are using his room as his sanctuary. Especially when we have company. We generally manage to enforce a keep out policy.



We do have a room for the youngest. It just won't work when he is older. We do have a room we can use then. It is just upstairs and not currently heated.

Thank you again for all the advice. I so often feel like I am very deep over my head.

He does have his room and we also have a dishwasher box with a door cut in it he uses to escape. I know a plumber so I can replace to box if it gets too abused. This is used by both kids to retreat for a bit.