HELP, why wont he talk?

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Thanks for the complements, Im not really trying to win 'Mum of the year' ! !! we just want whats best for our son.

I completly agree with your suggestions, and we would use the same parenting methods with our other two NT kids. NEVER EVER EVER hit our children, I get so upset if I see other parents hit their children and I might not even know them!! !

Yep, and again all kiddies need limits. We try to be as consistent as possible. Thankfully we see the rewards, as my kids are 'generally' very well behaved.

Now that I have grabbed your attention, what can we do as parents to give our son the very best in life. Looking back at your life, what do you wish your parents did or didnt do to make your life a happier one. (hope that question isnt too personal). We are always open to advice and learning from other peoples experiences.

I want my son to grow up to be the very best he can, and most of all to be happy. I hope that he will never look back with regrets. Must remember he is only 4yrs now!! !!

Thanks again

My son has never had an issue being verbal, but I have read some really interesting comments from adults over the years on forums like this one. Some find speech really uncomfortable; even though they have learned to speak, and felt "forced" to, the way their own speech echos in their heads is annoying - it's a sensory sensitivity problem. Other times, you have the situation where someone felt as a child that they were talking, even when they weren't, because they hadn't clued into the difference between inner mental life and outer life. Then you have my friend's son, years ago before all this talk about ASD, who didn't speak at all until 4 or 5 - except that she overheard him one night "rehearsing" in his sleep. He didn't want to verbalize things until he was 100% sure he had it right. He jumped from never talking to complete sentences with perfect grammar.

When it comes to things like this, I'm really big on "mommy instinct" and "know your child." If something is really wrong, you'll sense it. If things are just your child having his own way and his own time table, don't let the expectations of the outside world force you to worry when you know it really is just his way.

1. teach your son to vacuum and to cook food. have a lot of patience. at first he will leave a lot of dirt on the floor. will cook horrible soup. have patience. if you keep encouraging rather than criticizing he will learn on his own. this will be a confidence booster for him, will make him feel useful and a part of the family. my grandparents and parents always complained about kids not helping out home. did they ever TEACH to cook and clean and do laundry? NO.

2. parallel play vs associative play
parallel play is when two kids are sitting in one sand box and each one is playing on his own. they do not interact but they still enjoy by playing in parallel. your son may not be able to play with other kids, but he can play in parallel. aspies learn a lot by observing even if they look like they are not aware of their surroundings. they tune in and out and they learn. so if you can find a kid or two who will come to your home/playground/etc and play alongside your son, that's one of the best things you can do.

3. explain to your other NT kids about why your asperger's son acts the way he acts. ACCEPTANCE is key. tell you NT kids that if they just play along side your asperger's son, he will learn from them a lot even if he does not show it. encourage your kids to go up to your asperger's son and go like "give me five," shake hands with your son when you come home and encourage your kids and family members to do the same. therapuetic touch is good for all kids. plus asperger's kids do best if they learn to shake hands and say "hi how are you" as early as possible. it took me 19 years to learn to say "how are you" to people i meet.

4. encourage INDEPENDENCE. this is a big one. TEACH your asperger's kid to dress himself, feed himself, do his laundry - yes you can have the kid press the button on the washing machine and help you put the clean clothes into the bag. get your kids involved in working with you around the house. remember do not make them do this. do not criticize. if they do something wrong, just bite your tongue. let them learn one step at a time. these things take years!

i could go on and on forever, if you have any specific questions, feel free to PM me.

Jeff, 22, USA
Aspie - self diagnosed

Here's my advice:

1) Take note of your child's fuse. What I mean is that people lose their temper. Period. If you know when he is going to lose his temper you can do your best to make sure he doesn't do too much damage.

2) Respect his instincts (sp?). If he is leaving the current environment it is because he needs to, he's not trying to be rude or mean. Make sure that your NT kids understand this.

notbrianna, dx atypical autism almost done with college.

Thanks so much for the advice and tips. I am happy that most of the advice you have given, we have been already doing at home, but it is so nice to now have it 'confirmed' that we are doing the right thing.

Its so hard to know if you are getting it right sometimes. My son is mostly a very chilled out little guy, takes things in his stride and loves new challenges and routines. So far so good, he is in pre school at the moment, so maybe all the 'fun' starts when he starts school ! !! At least we are ready!! !

Thanks again for your advice, I think this has been more helpful than all the advice from the 'professionals'! !! xx

One thing I do when I have little guys around is when they ask for something I get it for them but I always say what they should say as I get it ready for them/hand it to them. I smile while I say it, it's just for them to hear, I don't try to force them to repeat it until I know that they know that they should be saying it. (like my 9 year old who's new thing is to leave a letter or change a letter off of please so he isn't REALLY saying please... sigh... "could I have some mac n cheese peas/wheeze/ees/plea")

Open (for the cupboard door for the cereal) First I would say "open please" while I was opening the cupboard, then I would ask him "which one?" When he pointed I would say "Cereal please" While I was pouring I would probably say something inane like "I like cereal too" Then as he takes it I would say. "Thank you. Cereal is yummy, mmmmm."

I haven't had any children with speech delays, but it is something to consider since you seem to be stuck. Just keep saying the words, the more he hears them the more likely you are to hear them back eventually.

you are the mom and mom always knows best. but i am not with you on this one. children who CAN'T talk very well feel FRUSTRATED because they cannot express themselves. you are increasing the frustration. plus young children feel extreme guilt for not being what adults want them to be. and you are increasing the sense of guilt. you mean well by making your child say "mac n cheese please", before handing it to the child. but this might backfire on you, you know. better to allow your child to communicate in any way he can, encourage him to speak, when he says something, do not interrupt him, the adults should pause and keep a silence while the child talks. and follow up on what he says, VALIDATE what the child said - even if it did not make any sense. this will make the child feel important. once i was at my mom's friend's house. i was soo surprised that when i talked at the dinner table this lady actually stopped everyone and said "Jeff wants to say something" i was like wow, this never happened at home. also if you are that concerned about speech, you can play talking games with your son and have them read a book to you while you cook, ask them to teach you something verbally.

so keep in mind that children are struggling with things like trust vs mistrust, dependence vs independence, validation vs guilt

With my 9 year old it's really a game and he thinks it is great that he has managed to trick me into thinking he has said please. He is very verbal and only has problems with some articulation. (which is mostly ignored unless he is in speech class). Patience though is good (especially since it takes him up to 20 seconds or so to get a yes or no answer sometimes).

We go around the table at dinner and everyone gets to talk about how their day was and anything interesting they learned or want to bring up.