AS Child who is a loner

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That's very true. One thing I have been thankful for is my son doesn't seem to have the depression issues some with AS do. I pray that continues. He has so many caring people who let him know he's an awesome kid (parents, grandparents, teachers) that I think, when the time comes, he should handle the information pretty well. Even though I don't have AS, I have a lot of OCD tendancies that I see in him and I am almost certain both my brother and father have AS - they both lead successful, happy lives, so I strongly believe my son can (and will) too.

If your son really is enjoying the time to himself, there's no reason to take that away from him.

However, reality is reality and we are a social species. It might be a good idea to have a generally required "family time" where you all spend time together. Maybe not a huge amount of time, but just a little. Kind of like chores for him. Nobody ever likes chores, but we all need to do them.

It will help to exercise his social self a little more. You don't need to change him or even help him change himself if he's happy with who he is and how he does things. But family is family and we all have to do things we're not so fond of. (Hope that didn't sound too bad.)

Maybe having a once a week thing you all do together might be a good idea. Each person, on a different week, can choose the activity for the family. And your son must be there or he will lose something he enjoys doing, like say you take away his tv privileges for a day or something. That way he'll be more likely to participate.

It might sound a little mean, but he can't spend his whole life in his room.

I definitely concur with your son. So-called normal people are rife with baffling, confusing, illogical, dishonest, and downright strange behavior. I have thought so since I was a child, and I still do!

It isn't emotional immaturity not to be able to understand a people whose social interactions revolve around being politely (or not politely) dishonest or mean while wearing a smiley social face and acting like everything's just fine. Or who care more about small, insignificant, exterior details (such as lack of makeup or the color of your clothing or the fact that you don't know what to gracefully do with your hands when you aren't using them for something) than actual substance of personality or ability.

I think it could be fairly said that in many ways, autistics are much more innocent and purer in their outlook on life (a less nice way to put it is "naive"). And frankly, in this world we live in, I find it refreshing.

hi folks... wanted to show a different perspective in hopes it helps.

I'm 29 and just got diagnosed, both ADD and AS. I was a loner through my younger years, less so as an older teen/early 20's, and have come back to being alone again. My parents were clueless. They love me but really don't know anything, despite one being a college professor. I was a little early for the ADD craze in school, which is probably where my first diagnosis should have come. I didn't act out, but rather was ADD-passive, or inattentive, or whatever they call it now. Not a trouble maker.

I had trouble with friends as a child, and spent most of my excess time in my room reading. School was so tiring I had to come home and take a nap every day. All I really remember of my childhood up to about 16-17 was confusion. Confusion about people, my peers, the teachers, my parents, myself. I thought it was normal- from all accounts being a teenager is tough. Little did I know just how hard it was for me. I remember when I was 17 I asked my father if all his beard hairs grew in the same direction- and this took me a while to work up to. Playing in the yard, I'd stop and hide when cars came by.

Anyway I just wanted to say: encourage questions. I would have avoided a huge amount of trouble in my life had I learned to ask questions earlier. If he really is a loner, that's ok, just make sure he's able to interact when he needs to... had my parents known as much as you all I feel I'd be better off. Not blaming them, never have, just wish I hadn't piled years and years of psychological self-abuse on myself becuase of perceived faults I never had. Darn it, there is nothing wrong with me- and there is nothing wrong with your son, either. He's blessed but it's a difficult blessing.

Encourage questions, and try to understand. I know my parents still don't- but it's only been 6 months for them. I got it right away... I said, "ah.... that explains nearly everything". They said, "Hmm, that doesn't sound like you." That made me feel as if I did such a good job at hiding myself and my inner turmoil that they never knew me and still don't...

So anyway there are a few of my own thoughts on the subject. Let him be if it makes him happy, but teach him about himself too. Let him be proud of the differences, tell him the simplest, dumbest questions are ok... I know that would have helped me. Good luck and it sounds like you're well on the right track.

Thanks so much Hermit for the insight. I have said before that one thing I love about this website is getting to read posts from adults with AS. My first thought when my son got the diagnosis was "how will this affect his adult life?". There are so many issues that, as a child are cute, funny or just peculiar, but as an adult can hinder the job interview process, maintaining a relationship/friendship, etc. It makes a mom worry - but it sounds like you, as well as others I read about on this website, are doing just fine regardless of AS, so it helps dispell the worry a bit.

I really like what you said about "He's blessed but it's a difficult blessing". AS can be a two-edged sword, but I choose to appreciate the positives, which are many. Although, last night while going over math word problems with my son I wanted rip my hair out! He can do the actual math work just fine, he's acutally a whiz at it...it's getting him to understand WHICH math equation the word problem calls for that I just can't seem to get him to wrap his mind around...... But that's another story for another time!

Thanks again for the encouragement and I will make a concerted effort to encourage his questions!

Good luck to you -

I agree with you, forcing him to some place or some activity where he doesn't want to be will only cause trouble and in fact, will have the opposite effect of what you are trying to do and drive him further into his shell.

I liked being alone when I was that age too. Socializing was work for me and I always needed downtime afterwards. I also didn't like being pushed into things I had no interest in. I was kind of a "low maintenance" child also. I could be put in my room with a few things to entertain myself and I'd never make any trouble. In fact when I was very small, my mother says I was so quiet she sometimes forgot I was in the house!

Sometimes though, parents become more obsessed with the idea the child needs to appear "normal" than with what is best for the child. My mother did alot of this, often spreading stories about all the friends I had, my having girlfriends, and how much I loved swimming(her favorite lie I think), when none of these things were true. She would even go as far as sometimes redoing some of my writing exercises, because a "normal" person wouldn't write that.

I never understood why I couldn't just be myself and why I had to put up this phony facade. It wasn't my shortcomings they couldn't deal with, it was their own.

That's down to the situation which has come up regularly in these posts:
the world. It's there, it outnumbers the individuals and the small group, and it has its rules (most annoyingly the unwritten ones) which are there whether we like it or not, and are not going to instantly change, even on a most rational appeal.

Thus a course to steer: between the strain of conformity, playing to "their" rules, and the stress of being an outsider in a society that is not, on the whole, fond of such.


"Do you approve of the proceedings, sir?"
"I note them. With interest." (Fallout)

Ditto. I started out alone (but not lonely) until around age 10. From 10 onwards I slowly acquired some social skills, mainly through extensive exposure to other kids both in school (where working in groups was occasionally mandated) and in after-school youth group activities. I didn't really start making connections to other people until my mid 20s, and 15 years later I'm once again spending more time in isolation and enjoying the freedom to not be social.
And that means interacting with strangers, not just family and trusted adults.
With my mother and I, AS was "the elephant in the room" that neither of us were aware of. Once I discovered AS and described it to her, she not only recognized my traits but her own as well. It became a catalyst for discussing many other topics that had been avoided over the years.
But don't wait too long to do it. My mother saved me by filling my social calendar when I was too young to object. It didn't pay off very much during my school years, but having been enticed, permitted, and occasionally forced to attend social events throughout my youth did leave me with enough social skills to eventually survive career training and employment.
Of course, life is like that. While some private time is good for de-stressing, your kids don't learn how to deal with problems if they're always allowed to run away from them. To paraphrase JFK, sometimes it's a good idea to do things *because* they are hard.
Within reason. There is a risk that if you cave in every time he says he doesn't want to be somewhere, then eventually he's nowhere and incapable of withstanding any displeasure. My mother would let me quit some activities but not all of them, and only if I had a reason. Saying that I wanted to be home in my room wasn't a reason.
I'm sure that statement gives chills to a lot of parents of autistic kids. My mother thought I was a perfect baby because I never cried. But then later on she realized I wasn't talking, either. They eventually checked to make sure I wasn't deaf, but nobody thought of autism. Once I started talking (in complete sentences, no less!) all was forgotten.
And sometimes parents think what's best for the child is whatever makes everyone happy. If only it was that easy.

"When the going gets tough and the stomach acids flow, and the cold wind of conformity is nipping at your nose, and some trendy new atrocity has brought you to your knees, come with us we'll sail the seas of cheese." -Primus

If I offended, I'm sorry, I'm only telling what my mother has actually said. When she sees the way many modern kids behave, she is actually quite proud of the fact I could entertain myself for hours quietly. According to my mother, my siblings weren't much different in that respect. She thinks the reason we were that way was because of her superior parenting skills. Some parents just prefer the kids be "out of their hair" so they can go off and do their own thing.



Another example of "keeping up appearances." I had to deal with that too, with my parents spreading blatant lies about me just to impress others. I never understood why any of this mattered, or why I should care what others thought. I just wanted to find my own niche and go with it, but they wanted me to appear what they considered "normal."

My son (the suspected aspie) is like that, and I love it. He rarely ever fights with anyone, cleans up after himself, and of five kids are old enough to do so, he's the *only* one who ever puts his shoes and socks by the door wihtout being told to. Methodical, meticulous, and very quiet, that's him.

It doesn't give me a chill at all.

I don't understand - how can AS be devastating while also being awesome?

My boy was initially dx with AD/HD when he was five. We sorta told him considering his age and then just figured he knew.

Last year I found some books at the library written for a child, he read them and _then_ he was devastated -- "Mom, why didn't you tell me?? No wonder these things happen to me!"

When the ASD dx came in, we told him immediately.

He always knew, he just didn't understand. Now we are working towards understanding as a family. He's 9 now and he always knew, he just never understood. We still don't, but at least we're trying.

Devastating to a 9 y/o boy who is high enough on the spectrum to want to be "cool" like the other kid's, but not NT enough to be able to pull it off.

Devastating because the kids at this age want to be like everyone else but are not wise enough to know or comprehend how awesome it is to be different.

Devastating because he is just old enough now to be able to comprehend what autism is, but not wise enough to understand the awesome talents autism has given him.

Too young to give him a "label" he will try to use as an excuse to sabatage his learning potential.

I think the best thing to do is give him a very supportive enviornment at home. He is different and school life won't always be easy, but if he knows he has a safe place to come home to at the end of the day, it will make life easier for him. If he can feel good about being himself, he'll one day see the assets he has been given.

At one time, my home was a supportive place but then pretty much overnight, everything changed with my parents and it wasn't so supportive anymore. Before the change, having this safe place actually made it easier for me to deal with what I had to deal with in the outside world but afterwards, home became just like that bad place outside where I was persecuted for not appearing "normal."