Devastated - please help!

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Well...if he doesn't make it that far with self esteem and confidence intact, he will not have gotten there because of me.
I support and praise and pump all the way up to the sky all of his strengths. These include great memory, great vocabulary, good reading skill for a child who has not gone through K yet, etc. I also praise him a lot when he puts a minimum of effort into doing something he'd rather NEVER do (such as picking up toys).

Trouble is that his self-esteem will inevitably be affected by his weaknesses. Some kids around here already told him that he is "clumsy", that "he's not paying attention". Reportedly someone at preschool even told him "he is stupid" (he reported that a while ago).

So while I can do all the praising in the world at home, his self-esteem will surely be attacked by the NT world.
This is exactly why I am trying to modify behavior as opposed to "accepting him exactly for who he is".
Because the world won't; and the world will throw tomatoes at him, and his self-esteem will plummet.
It's as simple as that.

Now fix THIS!

I think so too.
But I am also convinced that he has ADHD on top of that. Possibly ODD.
Like I said: this is me having the "unlucky bastard" syndrome.
To each their own (syndrome, I mean).

Ahhhh. Worries about bullying? I honestly assumed that you were sad because you thought he was going to embarrass you, I didn't consider you might be concerned about him too. I apologize, after a certain point I guess I just started assuming the worst about people. The "I'm so unlucky," and "I didn't choose to have a difficult child," and "why me?" thing threw me off I suppose.

I don't think any Aspie makes it through school without being bullied. For many of us (Me?) it's an everyday, literally every chance they got, kind of thing. Protecting your son from this is a very worthy and very admirable goal, even if your means to that some may see as questionable.

Honestly, I may be biased, but I'm not sure that's possible. I very much wish you luck there.

What I meant though about the self esteem thing, was just that he was given the support and time he would need to deal with the bullying. If your life is hell for eight hours at school, and you come home only to be thrown back in the same situation in order to improve your social skills (forced socialization), all you are going to learn is that life is hell.

But given time and support outside of those eight hours at school to enjoy life and learn that you can be good at things and separate yourself from teasing and harassment and being seen as different - given a place of your own where you can heal and recharge for the next day of hell - then it is something that you can survive. Or that was how it was for me.

Then you SOOOOO didn't understand me.
I am heartbroken FOR HIM. I am heartbroken because I already see the difficulties he is having and I know the sh*t will hit the fan when he goes out in the world (which will be in a month).
So I worry constantly and I am trying to find ways to change some of his behavior, at least the changeable parts.

The constant worry makes me sick. And yes, I wish I'd drawn a better ticket in the lottery. For him (yes, he wouldn't have existed had I drawn a different ticket, I know; but that would have been better than what's projected for him in life).
And for me. And for his father. And for his sister.
His difficulties don't happen in a vacuum. He is touching many lives and that DOES matter.

I am exhausted, and at the end of the day, my heart breaks for him - but the exhaustion and the drain are mine.

Just because I feel unlucky for having drawn this ticket doesn't mean I don't care about HIM!
One feeds into the other. Life is not black and white, people.
I know this is an Aspie forum, but come on!



Waow. More good news.
So...when you said that..."assuming he makes it that far with his self-esteem and confidence intact" did you mean "assuming you don't F him up by then"? Or "assuming he doesn't get messed up by bullying?".

Granted, as soon as we get the slightest indication that he is being bullied at school, we will take him out and start homeschooling him. I can guarantee you I will not allow bullying to happen.
I am the parent-from-Hel* who would give the school much tougher grief than it would be wise to write about on an "anonymous" forum.

I hold high expectations of my son; but I will also hold high expectations of the school.
If they can't live up to them - they will be graciously send to H.

Do all parents here confirm that their AS children are going through Hell at school from bullying?

Last edited by goodolddays on 14 Jul 2011, 9:53 am, edited 1 time in total.

Well I've put a lot of time and effort into trying to help you to help your son. I've tried to be as polite and helpful as I can. I've used personal details, like in this quote, to try to give you a better perspective. I certainly never expected to be thanked by being told how incredibly freaky I am or that you're an unlucky bas***d because your child might be like me.

So there is nothing else I can add to this other than that I think your attitude is far more likely to destroy your child's future than his Asperger's is. You'll get no further help from me.

(And NTs tell us we're rude. )

Motherknowsbest,

I do appreciate all the messages you wrote. However, I cannot lie when I tell you I find it disturbing that a person could feel close to tears when typing about thinking of someone touching their things.
If my son turns out like this, such emotional outbursts would simply be above my head. This is why I called myself "unlucky".
I would not be fit to deal with such a thing. It's just too much for me. Each person has their limits. If AS people have theirs, we NT-s have some too.

I am sorry you felt offended by what I wrote.
I hope you had better, more patient and understanding parents than I could ever be.
Thank you again for all of your messages.

I agree. I think YOU need the help here OP, not your son (other than he needs a more understanding, patient, and kind parent).

You state you're not able to change your limitations? And YET you're demanding him to change his?

At first I thought you were here for help but it seems the more you post the more it seems you are just here to demean people with AS.

"Incredibly freaky to the mainstream population"?
"I am an unlucky bas***d"?

Sheesh-!! !

If you're going to get anywhere on this path with your son the first thing you need to do is stop defining "good" as mainstream. Einstein said "Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."

Einstein was a smart man. That being said, while fish are never in a position to climb trees, AS kids MUST learn the ways of this world. They ARE part of the human species. Fish are not part of a species that climbs trees.
Any human should be expected to eventually understand that someone touching your belongings (not stealing them, just touching them, maybe trying them) is not a tragedy. If not at 6, or 10 - then certainly after they become adults.

I am afraid the analogy you're trying to make is not exactly fair.

Based on this alone, I think you'll do fine. I realize there is a gap of understanding here, but if you follow up on this one thing, then I'm not at all worried.

From what I've seen you're very stubborn and stick to your guns even when it seems like everyone is against you. So I rather believe that you are both willing and capable of following through too. Just be advised that he may not tell you about it. After the first bit of advice my parents gave me turned out to make it worse than better ("ignore it and it will go away"... ya, right) I never thought to bring it up again. Not that I lied, but even when I came home with black eyes I was so matter of fact about it I don't think it even occurred to my parents that it wasn't an isolated thing.

Anyway, stay strong.

Last edited by K-R-X on 14 Jul 2011, 12:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Last edited by squirrelflight-77 on 14 Jul 2011, 1:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

While my AS son is very good at imaginative play, provided it is by his imagination and not someone else's (he is 14 now, btw), that is not true for all AS kids, and I'm not aware of people sucessfully teaching that to their child, sorry. Social skills classes WILL teach give and take, turns, and so on, however, and my son LOVED his social skills classes (which, for him, came in the form of lunch bunch once a week at school).

It's not like we never teach an AS child to conform to his environment. But this is very much a pick your battles area. Some of these hurdles are giant, and there is only so much energy your child has. Over stress the child and melt downs / bad behavior increase exponentially. Manage it carefully and you can achieve the most esssential skills without meltdowns. They aren't in control of the meltdowns, and in my world, avoiding them is a big priority. You do NOT want a boy that has grown larger and stronger than you still having meltdowns.

My battles:

My son had to learn to recognize his own stress build up and take responsibility for mitigating his own meltdowns before they happened, and I wanted this before puberty. Your son is still way too young, so at that age it was me figuring out what stressed him and how to avoid it. Although, FYI, I didn't know it was AS then, we didn't have a diagnosis until he was seven.

My son had to not hurt other kids or his sister. Turns out this was related to the meltdowns, so recognizing stress factors and mitigating them went along way towards resolving it.

My son had to learn to communicate in writing. He has severe hypertonia/disgraphia, and this issue became HUGE by first grade. Many AS kids face the same battle and, no sugar coating, they have to work really really hard to compensate here. My son will forever need three to four times the hours to produce a proper written document. He has learned how and he does it without complaint, but as a mom I have to accept this means there are other things I should not ask him to do. He's spent. The man who wrote "Congratulations, Your Child is Strange" has similar issues, but he wrote that book for us anyway, can you believe it?

My son needed to succeed in school. Another thing that hasn't proven to be so easy. He is absolutely smart enough despite processing speed problems, but he has executive function issues that make meeting the administrative requirements difficult. I have discovered that in the US educational system it is possible for a child to attend every class, pay attention, complete all the work (but maybe not turn it in), be able to recite and explain all the material taught, get A's on exams, and still flunk the class. Astounding. But that is the challenge my son faces: he has no trouble learning. He has trouble dotting t he i's and crossing the t's that make a good grade in the bizarre (to me) system that is current education, where note taking is graded higher than exams in some classes. Thank God for the IEP, because I had a voice and was able to call in the teachers and get it figured out.

I didn't want my son teased, and he didn't want to be teased. A good relationship with a popular child and his parents has been gold there, as well as living in a diverse community with strong a strong anti-bullying culture.

Everything after that ... Window dressing. These are the areas I've spent most of my energy. If he needs to live in a silent household, if he wants to wear plain, no-fashion clothes, if he forgets to say please and thank you, if he has to pace and touch and pretty much destroy this house to de-stress ... I'll live with it. Thankfully, once you stop worrying about the little things, they have a funny way of improving themselves, so many little items on the list have gotten crossed off, too, but they aren't my focus. That list above - that was my focus.

You pick your battles. Some of them are going to be pretty big, so you may as well get used to letting go of the little stuff. Raising an AS child will force you to laser focus on what's most important.

I do think you should allow yourself to mourn the loss of dreams and expectations. I, too, had the toddler everyone adored and was sure was bound for big things. He was so flexible I though he would be a gymnast (who knew it was hypertonia and a disability). He was so drawn to people and so verbal I thought he could be president. Those dreams, obviously, are not to be. But at least we aren't crashing into realizing our kids are sociopaths. It could be worse. Few kids turn out as their parents dreamed they would. But getting the AS label does in an instant put a pretty big break on that cart of dreams for our kids, something that most parents adjust to a lot more slowly as their children grow up. So let yourself mourn it; you need to do that.

And then you get to work.

Your son is smart. He is just not smart at everything in all ways. There gaps that will astound you. He is NOT playing games with you about those gaps; they are real, and you need to adapt to them. But it would be wrong to let the gaps define him. It should be his gifts that define him. He certainly has those, too.

I totally believe, at this point in time, with my son now 14, that he will be OK. I think many of my dreams and hopes even when he first was diagnosed may have been unrealistic (he's going to be the next Bill Gates!), but he has useful skills, he has friends, and he is choosing paths, having successes and failures, just like any other 14 year old. And, in fact, he is extremely well thought of by all the adults in his life. Do I still shed tears for him at times? Yes, I do, his life is not as easy for him as I would like it to be, and the number of people who see his light like I do are less than I would like them to be. But I think many parents of NT kids that show so much early promise go through the same thing, it's just part of being a parent, we always want more for our kids than the odds say they are likely to get. It isn't about AS, it's about us. So, we deal, and we love our kids, and we do our best by them.

Excellent points.

For the most part, if your child is "different," he's a target. No label required; kids see it regardless. And, try as you might, you can't turn a child that is "different" into one that is not. That is bound to fail spectacularly. Better to choose your community with care, and keep home a safe and happy place so that your child can believe himself despite what anyone else thinks. Take care of the easy stuff, of course: we insist on hygiene, even though my son thinks it's ridiculous, for example; then let it ride.

I've read most, but not all of this thread, and have been very reluctant to respond. I just didn't feel it would do much good...but...here goes nothin'...

To the OP,

You are a clearly a very intelligent person, and you are clearly highly invested in your son. These are the advantages that you have going for you, and I hope that you will use your intelligence and determination to help your son build a happy, successful life.

Here are my concerns, given what you have posted here on WP:

1. You are incredibly negative in the way that you write about your son. Yes, honesty about our struggles and fears is important when having a meaningful exchange in order to learn, but the tone of your writing goes way beyond the average honest concern, frustration, confusion and exhaustion that I hear most newly diagnosed parents of Aspie kids express and what I have felt myself. Your words are dripping with negativity, defeat, fear, criticism, and scorn. Have you noticed how many of the responders here are expressing everything from concern to sadness to outrage at the way you write and think about your son? Your response to this seems to be along the lines of they can't handle your truth, and hey, you're just being honest about how you feel, so what's their problem?! The problem is that you need to start changing how you feel and think about your son. You desperately need to start actively cultivating a positive attitude. You've had your "o woe is me" moment about the diagnosis, now it's time to focus on what is great about your son, what he can do and how best to motivate and teach him. Thinking and saying things like "yes, he wouldn't have existed had I drawn a different ticket, I know; but that would have been better than what's projected for him in life" is more than counter productive, it is downright dangerous. That level of negativity will always out in a myriad of different ways that you interact with your son. You need to start working on changing this immediately.

2. You have stated in this and other threads that you have excellent social skills. I have not seen evidence of this on these boards. This may be because you do struggle with appropriate social skills but are not particularly self aware about your deficit, and I am sure many here, including myself, can sympathize with that, or you may not feel it is worth your time to be polite on an anonymous forum or you just enjoy riling other people up. Either way you have said many things that have been downright offensive, and then justified it as "just being honest". You are going to find your dialogues a lot more meaningful on a board full of autistic people, and people with autistic relatives that they love and support, if you think about how what you are saying may make others feel before hitting that reply button. This would also tie into cultivating a more positive, respectful attitude about people with ASD in general and your son in particular.

3. A little humility goes a long way. I understand that you are smart and well educated...you have mentioned it once...or twice...or more in these discussions. Please understand that no matter how smart you are, at this point in your learning curve about ASDs, you very clearly don't get it. You are being very dismissive of much of the advice from people who are successfully raising polite, functional, happy young people with ASDs or are themselves valuable, thoughtful, articulate people with ASD. These people have years and years of real life experience, and most have also done extensive reading and research as well. Of course you don't have to agree with all of the opinions and advice you are given, but slow down, rather than arguing put your energy into truly trying to understand what they are saying to you, and you and your son will benefit. I also recommend some humility in dealing with your son. Mother doesn't "always know best", take a deep breath, slow down, and observe him carefully across many situations. You can even keep a journal for awhile if it helps. What is his behaviour telling you about what he needs, how to best motivate him and how to change unwanted behaviours? I have been amazed at how much my sons have to teach me when I am willing to learn.

Why not? I think it was in a 2000 Wired magazine article that it was pointed out that 300 years ago someone with AS might have simply chosen a life in a monastery, where life was lived quietly and great advancements in thinking were made. Has it occurred to you that our kids would have been just fine in a slower, less populated, less pop-culture oriented world? Where a village of 50 people would have had as much chance to see and appreciate their gifts as to be aware of their differences?

The problem isn't the way our kids are wired, nearly as much as how crazy the world around them has gotten.

Change your perspective.

You rather have to, or you won't meet this challenge.

I think, maybe, that you've run into this conversation too fast. You aren't quite ready to get to work on it. You still need to mourn. Unfortunately, on this forum we're not very good at that; we're down and dirty let's solve the problem. And that, I believe, we CAN do, when you are ready and starting to break things down into priority issues.

But right now I think you are totally overwhelmed, and I think the details we can provide are adding to your stress rather than helping you. This isn't a hug-cry together place. That isn't really what most people with AS or their families do; that is a more private thing for most here. We're more the step after that.

Many of us cried when we went into or completed diagnosis. The reasons vary, but it is an intense process and an intense time. You are raw right now for a host of reasons, and you should deal with that first, get through that step. There are phases for you to go through, just like in mourning. I know you want to tackle things head on, to do and find answers, but this isn't your time for that. I wish we could help you through the cry phase, but I think it is pretty plain we can't. Find yourself a soft shoulder for that, and when you've come to acceptance and are ready to work, we'll be here for you.

What it means is that you are judging your son by NT successes and standards, while he is (likely) not NT. People touching your things is NOT a tragedy for you maybe but who are YOU to say that it's "freakish" for someone else to feel that way?
"The ways of the world"-so you define what "ways" are acceptable and what aren't?
The human species is a vast spectrum of experiences. Some you would probably classify as "barbaric" or "freakish". That doesn't make them any less HUMAN.
We can take you and put you in a tribal society and they would deem you stupid if they were to judge you by their societal standards.
Put an aspie at MIT or Silicon Valley and they fit right in, but do YOU? Maybe they would deem you insufficient by their standards???

Conditional acceptance of a child by a parent is damaging.

Let me clarify this K-R-X: if you thought I was just a narcissistic mom who couldn't care less about her son's feelings as long as he didn't embarrass HER in front of the world, you were dramatically off. And yes, there is a gap of understanding. If you thought I am the kind of parent who will just say "ignore it" and do nothing about bullying, you have no idea how wrong you were.

I love my son to pieces and I suffer badly to see him having social and emotional difficulties/confusions.
I admit I can be intense, I feel things very deeply and I tend to have a direct/honest style when discussing something on a more-or-less anonymous forum. What I care about is NOT remaining perfectly anonymous (as I am pretty sure none of you count among my real life friends or acquaintances) but to get accurate information - based on what is REALLY going on in my court.
I am not puritanical, neither am I politically correct, but I can guarantee you that nobody has ever accused me of not having empathy, of lacking human decency, of being rude or harming someone else in any way.

In MotherKnowsBest's case, I may have managed to come across as rude - but had I been her parent and had I known she really feels that way, I would have suffered like a dog knowing that she has such unusual difficulties.
Unfortunately, I would have probably also tried to change her and make her "see the light" - which might or might not have been good for her.

I am currently composing the "disclosure" letter to the school principle and I can promise you that they will know about our expectations that my son will NOT be bullied. I will find a very sweet and diplomatic formulation, way less direct than what you see here, but they will know about it. That school is supposed to be one of the best in Georgia (some even said in the country!) so you can only hope that the ostensibly "rarified" environment might help.
But I am not naive - and I know that bullying can happen anywhere.

I am aware some people posted hostile replies here but I don't hold any grudge against them. It is, after all, the Internet and we do have large gaps of understanding. It is normal. I can't expect people to reply exactly as if they knew me, my son and everything that's going on - in real life.

Most people did their very best to offer lots of information based on what I wrote and based on their own life experiences. They have all been really helpful - even the hostile ones.
I am also really sorry Mother-Knows-Best interpreted my comment to be so offensive. I apologize for that.

Last edited by goodolddays on 14 Jul 2011, 6:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.