Devastated - please help!

Post Reply New Topic

Tracker, DW and others, your thoughtful answers bring great clarity and I appreciate that to no end.

I have a life trajectory that is almost textbook AS. So OK, I may be AS. No one will ever know for sure because I will not bother to investigate to have an official dx confirmed or excluded.
I have strong AS-like details in my early biography but also strong NT traits in my psychology.

I personally do not care because it is no longer relevant for me. I have achieved in life pretty much everything that I ever wanted to achieve - contentment with life included. Yes, I have had difficulties with my son over the past 6 years but I have hoped, until recently, that they will disappear with age - as I have been reassured by many over and over again.
So I never really fussed over those. When it became apparent that these are not things that will just go away with age and that this is only the beginning - this contentment with life understandably went out the window.
Now I worry. And I know I will continue to worry about this child until my last day on Earth.
And not regular parent type of worry. But WORRY.

I thank Tracker for everything he wrote. He is an incredibly insightful and talented person and I almost feel grudge at the thought that it is so hard to find people like him in real life. Apparently, people like him choose to hide in their apartments and deprive those of us who'd rather not limit our conversations to food, weather and traffic of their graceful presence. He says I would find him strange in real life; and yet little does he know that I'd much rather be talking to "strange" people like himself (regardless of how they look) than with chirpy social butterflies whose typical superficiality I tend to find depressing.

Given the time and effort Tracker put into his post, I will respond in a little while with just a few clarifications as well as some further questions. Thanks a lot again.

Tracker and DW are worth their weight in gold. Interesting how this long thread has been like a journey, with light showing at the end now, thats how I feel about it anyway . I've found the whole process very helpful too, with regards to acceptance and understanding of my own daughter. The going over and over of the same points basically, from different angles, there was so much strong feeling from so many people, and passion to get the OP to understand certain things. So thanks, Goodolddays, you did a good thing here

Heehee... What you don't know is that i have a collection of 213 elephant figurines (and stuffed toys and etc - some on display, some stored in boxes)

Sorry if I was too blunt or mean in how I said it?

** fades back into the woodwork **

Sounds like she got there on her own by page 16, so I think you can stay out of the wood work

I think most of us parents look back at ourselves after our kids are diagnosed, and then settle for "no one will ever know for sure." After all, if we're parents, odds are good that our lives going just fine. A few are driven to get an answer because of unresolved questions from their past or due to current problems, but most seem to reach some conclusion on their own and leave it at that. You'll see my conclusion in my sig.

I think the reason for throwing it out there is more so that you will remember to stop and ask yourself a few extra questions as you run into issues with your child. If you have some AS traits, they do impact your parenting, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse, and your family will do better if you are mindful of the ways that might happen. Sometimes you may lock into a path that can and should be changed, while being overly resistant to doing so; sometimes you may have an incorrect interpretation of how the world works (common result of having to figure out on your own what was obvious to everyone else, and that no one took the time to explain); and sometimes you simply may get overly annoyed by behavior that isn't really that bad, due to your own sensory issues and sensitivities. Remembering to ask, "is this MY problem, and not my child's?" helps things resolve more smoothly. Sometimes you need to work around your own deficits or issues; sometimes you need to ask for help; sometimes you just need to give yourself an extra deep breath. It is simply information that you can use to help yourself on your journey as a parent. Beyond that, it's no one's business unless you want it to be. Although people around here can be a little blunt in making assumptions either way

As for your worry ... remember that you turned out OK. Your child may face challenges you never faced, but that doesn't mean they cannot be overcome. We kind of have to believe as parents that it will be OK, or we'll lose our minds. For some of us, the answer is obvious: either it will not be OK (severe delays), or it will be OK (high functioning with limited co-morbids). For most of our members, I think there are many years where outcome is very unsure, and that uncertainty IS difficult to deal with. Parenting never came with any guarantees, and it is a challenge to face the unknown. More for a parent who is AS themselves, maybe, because unpredictability isn't exactly a state that anyone with AS looks for. But you deal because you have no choice, and if you need a professional to help you deal, find one. Sorry, parents don't have the luxury of distrusting professionals; if they need one, they need to access one, or the kids suffer. You don't do things for you, you do them for the kids.

I wish you the best of luck. It's been a long thread and it will be a longer journey. But people here care, and will be there for you when you want.

And remember too, that it's becoming alot more of an open topic, more research and programs are being put into place, more media exposure, and most importantly there's forums you can turn to for advice and help, and simply to vent your frustrations (warning: you might get unsolicited advice even if your intention is simply to vent).

Dear Tracker,

What most people seemed to have failed to understand is that I DO accept that my son has SOMETHING neurological. Call it Aspergers if you wish - as this is what the psychologist who saw him called it. Other experts might call it something else or they might add more labels. Irrelevant. He DOES have something unusual about himself and this is clearly due to NEUROLOGICAL wiring. You can see it with the naked eye once you consciously and objectively analyze his actions and reactions. The fact that people still insist that this is something I am rejecting is mind boggling to me.
My arguments throughout the 16 pages have not been about denying that he has something neurological.



I agree with you: in a social vacuum, it isn't. The child is the way he is, regardless of what you call IT.

However, I do not agree that having a label doesn't matter in a social context; and I don't just mean a"weird" label. I mean a "medicalized label". I strongly believe that any label suggesting the concept of "special" will have a negative connotation in the eyes of most individuals. Nobody will be able to convince me otherwise. And if this is because I have rigid thinking and AS out the wazoo, then be it. It is more likely though that this is because of my profession in which I learned more than I actually wanted to.
What I KNOW - from an immense variety of epistemological sources - is that when most individuals, including yourself, regard you as "officially special" (with a diagnosis), your life trajectory will be significantly different than if you had been the absolute same individual, with the absolutely same quirks but only regarded as "a little weird/quirky/different" yet still part of what is considered normal humanity.
If left unlabeled, many of the "quirky" people will develop good coping mechanisms to deal with the "normal" world. Not change neurology (we already established this is not going to fly) but DEAL with the social world, dance around it, dribble it, do the slalom, "fake it 'til you make it". If no serious IQ-related reasons stand in the way, I strongly believe this is possible - REGARDLESS of neurology.

Once the label is attached, the difference becomes official and the tendency to see yourself as a fundamentally different species becomes imperative. Your personal identity changes in your own mind as well as the mind of others.
You no longer feel just "different" (which you felt before anyway), but you also feel entitled to take your difference and separate yourself from the world without trying to perfect those coping mechanisms necessary to live IN the world as opposed to OUTSIDE of it, at its fringes.

As a mother I feel strongly that my son would be better served by receiving the support to develop those coping mechanisms and the "fake it 'til you make it" ability than by being encouraged to take his label, hang on to it and disappear in a secluded apartment for the rest of his days. I am his mother and I will fight to my last breath for what I KNOW would be a better life for him.
If, despite my efforts and the support I will offer along the way, he will STILL choose to lock himself in a secluded apartment and reject the ways of the world altogether - then I will have gone to my grave knowing I have done everything I could.
Case closed.



I take your word for it. Now how about you take mine too?

I don't know about other people, but don't underestimate MY ability to connect with "strange" people as much as I am able to connect with "regular" people. The only condition I have is for that person to not be superficial (as in frou-frou talk about weather, traffic, sales, pop-culture, etc). You sound very far away from that realm. Now If said person IS superficial, then I will be nice, diplomatic and accommodating, and I will adjust my topics to his/her level without expecting them to step up to mine. I dance. I adapt. I do the slalom. I will fake it until I make it. Did I connect with said person? No. Will I become close friends with that person? No.
Did I make it through that little portion of life? Yes.

My 60 yo brother-in-law is visibly autistic. No official dx but once again, take my word for it. No psychologist in his right mind would fail to apply that dx to him today. Quirky, very slow, maddeningly pedantic, geeky, very awkward body posture. Immediately stands out as someone you can't talk to. Sits by his family members (closest people to him) but he rarely has anything to say beyond very basic, factual and highly limited statements. (I should mention his IQ is in fine shape, particularly the spatial-visual parts - he is an engineer). Has never been known to have ever dated anybody, gay or straight. Lives alone.
His own family members cannot engage him in a conversation.

I am the only person I know of who can. A few years after I entered their family, I managed to make him feel comfortable enough to engage in some politics-related discussions. Mind you, it's not like he turns into John Stewart when he's with me - but he does start talking and making steps towards auhtentic, give and take communication.

His mother is a woman known for her amazing TOLERANCE of everything and for her emphasis on PRIVACY. "Everybody is different" is her motto. "Everybody does things their own way". "I don't like telling people what to do".
She is so tolerant of everything that she can tolerate her way into trouble. She has always accepted her son EXACTLY the way he was (that is, visibly uncommunicative to the point of pathology) without ever trying to do anything to guide him slightly outside of his comfort zone and towards connecting with people (starting with her!).
She simply left him alone and never reached out one bit. She now has regrets that her son doesn't have anyone and she always reminds us discreetly to include him in our family life at times, when she is gone.
We will. The reason why we will is because first, he is family - but also because he is a good man. He would not knowingly hurt a fly and he's a very, very decent person.

Would I have done what his mother did? No. I would have NEVER taken the hands OFF approach when my hands would have had to be ON. I would have supported, encouraged, exposed, practiced and I would have reached out to him. A LOT. I would have conversed my brains off with him (because she is a talkative woman, quite capable of conversation) and would have shown him what intimacy feels and looks like. However, with their cold, reserved, "tolerant of differences" approach they only managed to dig huge holes between each other in that family - particularly between the autistic brother and everyone else.
He enjoys visiting with his family because he finds comfort in their physical proximity - but no mental connection is ever happening there.

I brought up this example to illustrate my point: just because I want to help and encourage a loved one overcome such vulnerabilities does not mean I am not accepting of that person or that I want toi change them to suit me. I want them to change them to suit the word so they won't be vulnerable anymore. I simply don't believe in complete "laissez-faire" in such situations. I know people like that will never fundamentally change but I know that CAN develop coping abilities and that their brain can undergo a certain amount of adaptation if placed in an environment that encourages them to.

If you leave an autistic person in an autistic environment - guess what the outcome will be: A STRONGLY AUTISTIC INDIVIDUAL, unable to function well in real life.

If you place an autistic person in a non-autistic environment (encouraged to reach out, to communicate, to identify intimacy, etc guess what the outcome will be: AN AUTISTIC INDIVIDUAL who can function in the real world because he's learned some tricks.

I will come back. Need to run.

That last story explains a lot. I do think there is a middle road, where you do push but always making sure it isn't more than the child can handle. But if you have a person that can truly only be comfortable alone and quite, you aren't going to change it ... But we're realizing here that is only a portion of the AS population. Most of our kids seem to show some yearning for close relationships outside the family. They don't want to go to parties and spend their days surrounded by friends, but they do want friends, and there are ways to help make that happen, even if there still aren't guarantees.

As for the effect of being labeled, there are two separate issues here: what the label does to the world, and what the label does for the child.

On the former, it depends. In our area an AS label is mostly a shrug: whole industries have been built by and are sustained by people largely believed to be on the spectrum. There is little assumption of "can't do," and no one trying to separate a smart enough child who happens to be AS from the mainstream unless the need becomes obvious (extreme sensory issues, for example, in which case they might IEP a version of home school, as they did for one family we know). But this varies a lot, and you have to test the waters in your community and at your school to see what the label will generate.

On the later, I've read here long enough to know that it really depends on the person. I played a middle card with my son because, well, I had that opportunity. The issues that drove diagnosis were academic, so once we had a school use diagnosis that got him the services and accommodations he needed, I stopped. While there now are notes here and notes there, there is nothing medically official anywhere. He will have the choice to abandon the label when he leaves this school district. As much as he proudly identifies as Aspie (we all think Bill Gates was one, and many other famous inventors, and he's cool with that, that is the type of adult he's ALWAYS wanted to be), he is leaning towards keeping it all to himself as an adult. Not that he'll ever want to look and act like everyone else; he thinks most of the world is a bit nuts with it's obsession on clothes and such. But he does know how to fake it, as you say, in limited enough doses to get his most immediate goals met: his choice, though. Not mine. It's really stressful and exhausting to fake it, so he has to have been sold a really good reason, and it has to have a defined end, like half an hour, or it isn't worth it.

For him, the label NEVER lowered his goals, it just got other people to understand his needs, and gave clarity to what the road we had to take looked like. But there a adults here that have written they felt it would have been different for them. This is a "know your child" concept. Don't assume, not everyone is the same. Know your unique child. I'd say 90 % need the label to find the right road, the majority use it to raise their goals, not lower them. Remember what I told you about my son starting to check out in second grade? His frustrations with basic things started to make him see himself as stupid. It's not like they can hide from knowing they are different: they KNOW, but they don't understand WHY and what it means, so your child can and will default to the worst of conclusions. The label got him past that, into understanding his issues were with just those basic things, and they didn't reflect on anything else. He gratefully clung to the concept of gifts and burdens, and the answer the label gave him. Before, he saw it all as hopeless. After, he was willing to try, as needed, and not give up just because the one thing was hard for him. He totally wants to be Bill Gates

Last edited by DW_a_mom on 16 Jul 2011, 1:02 pm, edited 5 times in total.

I feel which probably doesnt count for much is your post has not been about your son but about you. You seem to be a very angry person, like you lost out, I just hope you wont allow the same to happen to your son.

This was a very difficult concept for me to wrap my brain around as well. However, I have learned that these kids KNOW they are different just as you state. Without an "explanation" for those differences (and that is exactly what it is- an EXPLANATION, not an EXCUSE) they feel ashamed, damaged, and angry that they are not able to fit in. Yes, you can have non-diagnosed Aspies that will overcome and be successful, but it seems it my experience there are far more of the opposite-those that internalize the feelings of "I'm not good enough" or "no one will ever accept me for who I am". They spend their time trying very hard to overcome their differences and try to "fake it till you make it" as you say. It takes tremendous effort and they can end up deeply resenting the world for making them feel like outcasts and that is why they drop out and spend a lot of time alone. Imagine what kind of energy it must take to constantly pretend you are someone who you aren't!

That is why so many of us end up on the neuro diversity side. If you give that explanation, and celebrate and respect them for who they are it helps build self esteem and they can do better. For instance my daughter barely holds it together in her mainstream school but this summer she is in an autistic program and it has been amazing how her anxiety levels have dropped. She is not "more autistic" by being there: she's not stimming more or melting down more-on the contrary-she is having LESS issues outside of school because she is not expending SO much energy each day trying to "fit in" and fake it.

I think this explains it all to me. The problem here is not acceptance. It is a fundamental difference in values and ideas. If my child were to 'fake it til you make it' through life I would be devastated. I want her to accept who she is and find a life that makes her happy. If that means living on the fringes of the world and society than I am happy for her. I have no preconceived notions of what her life should be. I only wish for her happiness and well being and I believe with all my heart that if she accepts and loves herself for who she truly is than her life path will naturally lead her to that place. And I will go to my grave knowing that I have done the best for my child.

I will not waste my energy pushing my child to 'fit it' or 'be like others' or 'fake it till you make it'. She is special not because of aspergers but because of who she intrinsically is as a person. She isnt 'wrong'. She isnt 'broken'. She is different. And what she brings to the table of humanity is valuable and unique. If she feels a need to hide behind a mask of acceptance rather than allow her unique beauty and perceptions to shine through then I will believe I have failed to prepare her for life.

Case Closed.

Hello again

GoodOldDays, the problem you are having is that you really don't understand, or accept the difficulties your son is having, but you think you do. I have no doubt that you acknowledge the existence of the situation, but you don't accept it. And I have no doubt that you know about some of the difficulties, but you certainly don't understand them.

Perhaps this explanation will help.

Imagine that you enjoy cake, and fast food, and donuts, and all that good stuff. And as such, you have put on a good bit of weight. Occasionally, you notice some mild tingling in your legs, but you shrug it off as nothing more then just your legs falling asleep because you were sitting on them. You notice that you seem a bit hungrier or thirstier than usual, but you just chalk this up to liking deserts and don't think anything of it. You also notice that your vision is getting a bit blurrier, but you chalk it up to old age, and just figure that you need some glasses.

The next time you visit the doctor, he seems a bit concerned about your legs tingling, as it may be a sign of type 2 diabetes. At first you think, "What, diabetes? I don't have that. Diabetes is for people who have to shoot themselves with insulin, all I have is some mild numbness. This diabetes stuff can't be right." But your doctor insists on some tests and so you agree. Well, the tests come back and it shows that you do indeed have type 2 diabetes. You don't quite believe him, so you look up the symptoms. And low an behold, the symptoms of type 2 diabetes include numbness in the extremities, blurred vision, and increased appetite.

And so, you grudgingly admit that you have some of the signs of type 2 diabetes, and that it is something to take care of. So, you ask your doctor what to do, and he gives you a long list of things. For starters, he recommends a change in diet, more exercise, and some medication. He also suggests that you go to the library and check out some books about diabetes which talk in more detail about which foods to choose, and how to track your blood glucose level, and how to plan your meals effectively. You say OK, get your prescription filled, and then head out the door.

You stop by the library on the way home to pick up a few books, and start reading them. You get about half way through and say to yourself, "These books are silly. There is no way I am going to start eating like one of those crazy ultra-vegan crack pots. And I am certainly not going to plan my life around when I eat my meals. I am a busy person, and I don't have time to cook my own meals, and schedule my eating habits. Plus, I feel fine, aside from some blurred vision, it isn't a problem, and I can fix that with glasses."

And so, you go back home, get yourself some dessert, and take some of that medication the doctor prescribed. You think to yourself, "Yea, so I have some mild symptoms, I am not going to change my life and stop eating real food. Plus, with as few problems as I have, this medication should be plenty enough".

Now, in the above hypothetical situation, would you say that you know about diabetes? Of course, after all, the doctor told you about it, you looked it up, you even read some books. Would you say that you acknowledge the diabetes exists? Again, of course. You went to the doctor, read a book, and your even taking medication. You wouldn't be taking medication if you didn't acknowledge the existence of the problem. But do you really accept the fact that you have diabetes? No, you do not. The truth is that if you really accepted the fact that you have diabetes, you would be doing something about it. You would be changing your life style, and learning to cook healthy foods, and planning your meals, and exercising more. You would throw out the desserts and replace it with something healthier. But you don't do that. All you are doing is grudgingly acknowledging the existence of the problems, but minimizing the severity, and convincing yourself that you just need to keep on doing what you've always been doing with maybe only a few minor changes, and that should be enough. That is not acceptance.

Likewise, would you say that you understand your condition? Again, you know it exists, and you even read a few books. But do you understand how the food you eat is really affecting your blood glucose level? Do you know how your body reacts to certain sugars? Do you know how your body will handle fructose as opposed to dextrose, and opposed to maltose? Do you know which complex sugars are good for you vs. bad for you? Do you know which supplements would work best with your unique biology? Do you know what is the best time of day for you to eat your meals? Do you know which exercise regime will provide you the best results? Of course not. All you have done is read a few books, and dismiss the advice they gave as being ridiculous and silly. You may have some information about diabetes. But you certainly do not understand it.

Do you know what will happen to people in the above hypothetical situation? Their problems get worse. When you don't take the diabetes seriously and really address it effectively, then it isn't going to end well. The problems are just going to get worse, and worse, and worse. Why? Well it isn't because you didn't acknowledge the issue. Its because you never accepted and understood it.

Likewise, you are facing the exact same situation with your son's autism (or Asperger's Syndrome, or ADHD, or whatever you want to call it). You may acknowledge that it exists, but you certainly do not accept it. If you accepted it, you wouldn't be saying things like, 'I don't think I will tell the school, there is no need for them to know.' You wouldn't say things like, 'Why should I change my expectations? I am not going to let him use his label as an excuse'. And you certainly wouldn't be saying things like, 'It's in his best interest to learn to be like everybody else. The world isn't going to change for him.' Those statements show a complete lack of acceptance. Again, I know that you acknowledge that your child is different, but I also know that you have no accepted it yet or else you would not be posting the things you have.

And likewise, while I am sure that you have read some books, and have some information about the subject, it is clear that you do not understand it. If you truly understood it, you would you accuse your son's desire to express affection as being a selfish endeavor. You would not be pathologizing everything that your son does, and you would most certainly not be using the terms like 'devastated' or 'horrible' or my favorite "unlucky bastard syndrome" to describe the problem. Pretty much everything you write indicates to me in one way or the other that you really do not understand what is going on.

But you refuse to admit this. You just say things like:

And this is exactly why I am deeply concerned for your child. You not only are not accepting and understanding, but you have convinced yourself that you are. And as such, it never occurs to you that you need to go any farther than you have. This would be like coming home from the doctor's visit with a diabetes diagnosis and saying, "Well, I got the pills, I don't see anything else I need to do now."

Do you know what happens to the child when the parent neither accepts nor understands the child's problem? It isn't good. I've been there. I've lived through that life and I can tell you that it isn't a good life. My mother knew something was different about me. It was blatantly obvious. But back in those days, there was no such thing as 'Asperger's Syndrome' and barely 'ADHD'. It was just assumed that any perceived problems were the result of the child being a spoiled, uncooperative brat who needed to be fixed and forced into the mold that everybody expected them to fit in. This was all done with the 'best' of intentions, using phrases like, 'Well the real world isn't going to make allowances, why should we'. Do you know how much I suffered in my childhood because of that? I was routinely treated like crap by everybody. Parents, siblings, teachers, students, etc. The adults in my life thought that pressuring me would somehow change who I am. And when the children picked on me for not fitting in, the adults looked the other way and said to themselves, 'well he is going to have to learn how to fit in eventually. If he has to go against the grain and be rejected by the other students then thats how he will learn.' They basically gave my fellow students free reign to bully me, and they looked the other way because I was the 'problem child' who didn't fit in. And thats not even the worst of it.

You have said that your child is going to need to learn 'faking it' in order to fit in. Do you really know how much that costs? I don't think you read my book very carefully, because if you did you would know why I am opposed to simply 'faking it till you make it'. I wasted years of my life trying to 'fake it' and be just like everybody else. I tried acting the right way, talking the right way, looking the right way, and pretending to be normal, and I never got anywhere close. But what I did get for my efforts was a ridiculous amount of stress from trying to be somebody that I am not. Not to mention the harassment that I received continuously from everybody simply because I didn't fit in.

I didn't become depressed and near suicidal in my childhood simply because I didn't get what I wanted. I became depressed and near suicidal because I was being harassed, and pressured by everybody to be somebody that I am not, and then punished when I couldn't make the impossible happen. And the worst part is that I believed them. I believed that who I was wasn't good enough. I believed them when they said that the problem was just me being selfish, and not trying hard enough. And I nearly gave myself a nervous breakdown trying as hard as I could to be somebody I am not. I believed that the only way to make the suffering end was just to fit in, and that only made it all the more painful when I couldn't. The only reason I managed to pull out of that is because I eventually decided to say, 'Screw you, I am going to be who I want to be and if that isn't good enough for you then I don't care.' It was only when I decided to stop fitting in, and stop trying to be acceptable to everybody else that I actually gained enough self confidence to appreciate what I have to offer, and become the adult I am today. But that happened DESPITE the way I was treated, not because of it.

Many other people out there didn't wind up dealing with their childhoods as well as I did. You can read about them here:
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt160934.html
or here: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt156363.html
or here: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt143146.html
or here: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt146204.html
or here: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt130375.html
or here: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt115343.html
or here: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt97268.html
or here: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt95122.html
and I can make this list as long as you want.

Do you know what every single child in that list has in common? They are all autistic, and their parents recognize and acknowledge that fact. Nobody in there is saying 'I don't think my child is autistic, but I am having problems and I thought I would ask for help'. Every parent there recognizes that the child is autistic, but all of the parents in those posts didn't really accept or understand it. They pretended like it wasn't that bad, and ignored it until it got out of control. Or they downplayed the problems, and minimized the severity thinking it wasn't that big of a deal. They just set 'reasonable expectations and boundaries' like any good parent should and never questioned whether or not their child was capable of handling it. And while that seemed like the right thing to do when the child was young, it was only setting the child up for serious problems further down the road.

Did you read my book? Didn't you see the section about all the stress and expectations, and problems just piling up until the person finally cracked? That is exactly what happened in the above cases, and it is exactly what will happen to your son if you don't take the time to REALLY understand and accept him for who he is. And that goes beyond just acknowledging the problem, to actually understanding him, accepting his motives, and helping him to work on his difficulties. No where in your posts do I see anything remotely close to trying to understand how he thinks, or grasp why he does things, or appreciate his perspective.

What I see instead is you complaining about how much of a spoiled brat he is, and how you plan to make him fit in because 'its in his best interest'. And I know from experience that wont end well. If your son is lucky, he will wind up like me and somehow make it through with a good self image and an appreciation for who he is, but not because of what have done. And if he is unlucky, then he is going to wind up having serious problems like the people in those posts. Is that really what you want for your son? It may not be what you are intending, but if you continue down your current path it is where you will end up and I don't want that to happen.

As DW_a_Mom has pointed out, this whole writing thing isn't easy for me. I am not a very wordy person by nature and I can much easier solve a differential equation then compose a nicely formatted paragraph. In fact the last post that I wrote took me about 12 hours to write from the time I started thinking about it till I finished, and this current post is already at the 9 hour mark (and I am not even done yet). Do you think I would spend this much time writing these posts if I didn't think this was vital information for you to understand? Do you think all the previous posters made their posts simply because they were bored and had some free time? The reality is that everybody here has been through what you are going through now, either as the parent or the child, and they know how it will go if you keep going down your current path. That's why everybody is so intent on helping you to understand the importance of accepting, understanding, and helping your child.

Once again, I have to reiterate my point from my previous post. You have two choices.

Option 1 is to just keep doing what you want to do, and try forcing your child to fit (for his own good of course). Just set reasonable expectations, and good limits, and when things aren't going the way you want then try disciplining him until it does. That's what your current plan is and I give it about a 90% chance of it turning you into a nervous wreck, and causing your child to become stressed out and depressed. And the other 10% chance isn't something you want either.

Option 2 is to really accept your son for who he is, and understand what he is going through, and I can assure you that you are not on that path yet. And again I must point out that this will require you to challenge some assumptions you have held for a while, and start seeing things in a new light which is going to be difficult at first. But in the long run, you will have much better outcome if you take the turn and start learning to understand and respect your child for who he is. There are dozens of parents who have been down both sides of that road and as everyone of them will tell you, the sooner you take the turn and start understanding your child instead of trying to fix your child, the happier, and better off your family will be.

I am not saying it will necessarily be easy, nor will it make complete sense at first. But if you never get going down that road, then your son will never receive the help or understanding that he will benefit from. And doesn't your son at least deserve the chance to be understood and accepted for who he is?

This is not 'case closed' as you so put it. This is your chance to reopen the case and change the contents inside for the better. Don't turn your back on this opportunity to set things right; because the longer you stick down the path your on, the harder it will be to change. And I would much rather you start making the change now, then come back here in 10 years and make a post about how your child is failing out of school, becoming violent, refusing to listen to you, and going no where in life.

Tracker,

I was going to continue to reply in more details to your previous post but I don't think this is the right thing to do at this point. It is becoming increasingly apparent that people on this forum don't (or rather won't) understand zilch about my son, myself or my family. You have constructed these apocalyptic images in your head, of a narrow-minded, narcissistic mother who doesn't understand what her son is going through when he has his "moments" and who forces an autistic, completely-in-his-world, misfit little boy to be someone who is not. A mother who would force him to try to be the life-of-the-party at some sparkly par-tay when he'd rather be in a corner talking to one other person in private. Or not be at the par-tay at all. That was me when I was young. My parents would have liked to see me go to parties and be more bubbly but they didn't force me.
Then how could I do such things to him? He is NEVER forced to do things that are obviously not in his nature to do.
But would I expect him to be able to greet some guests ("fake til you make it" kind of approach) instead of giving everyone a frowny tantrum? Yes, I would. Not force, but will gently guide.

Well...specific examples aside, let me just say you are WRONG in all of your assumptions about who I am and how I treat my child.

My son was diagnosed with a MILD form of Aspergers. Not HFA - but a mild form of Aspergers. The psychologist who saw him said that he could easily blend in with NTs and that he is somewhere on the spectrum where the NT world meets Aspergers. If I ever had Aspergers (the elephant in the room you were talkig about) this is where I probably was myself.
Today I have no problems whatsoever talking in any NT group you want me to talk in, though I will probably still feel a little tired after the experience.

I agree with the psychologist - because I can guarantee you that no one would be able to tell there is anything unusual about my son before getting to know him well. He is the kind of child who IS social and IS looking for people. He likes to play with children. He is simply having some issues (many of them sensory-related) where he needs accommodation, guidance and help. He is also not as astute at figuring out how to navigate social give and take with age peers. Sometimes he is just plain inattentive. Other times he is impulsive and says some silly thing exactly at the wrong time. And sometimes he can be undiplomatic. However, when instructed how to do certain things, he starts to understand. Those things don't come naturally to him...but if you think that I will encourage this little boy to withdraw in his own little world in the name of TRUE ACCEPTANCE instead of helping him get where he wants to get (which is clear sociability)...then you guys are the ones with the rigid thinking and the severe problem - not myself.

I have no doubts there are severely AS or autistic people out there who would much rather stay in a secluded corner for the rest of their days than exchange a face-to-face word with another human being. They may have been treated like crap by their families when young and forced into what amounts to impossibility for them. I don't know. The descriptions of how you were treated as a child, Tracker, have NOTHING to do with how I treat my son.
In those cases, "the "fake it 'til you make it" approach would probably be sheer self-destruction. Or impossible.

But here's one little "trivial" detail: I KNOW my son. None of you DO.
You can take my word for it when I tell you he is NOWHERE close to the image you have in mind or you can continue on your path of self-righteousness and accuse me of not understanding who my son is. The whole thing is, of course, ridiculous.

With all due respect, I am starting to feel like I have unknowingly stepped into the compound of some evangelical cult who tells you that you are going to Hell unless you accept Jesus Christ in your life; and when you tell them that Jesus Christ already IS in your heart and your life and everywhere in between...but you'd just rather not join their church...they continue to threaten you with Hell.

Millions of thanks for everything you guys wrote - but there's a good chance I knocked at the wrong door.

In light of what you have learned about AS since his diagnosis how do you propose to deal with the problems he is causing your family/experiencing himself that you posted about? Will you be using any different strategies now that you know he has (mild) AS?

Goodolddays...why do you think people here are saying your child should end up being a shut-in? Seems you are projecting to me. No one has stated this. Only you.

Anyway it's pretty obvious from your above post that you've already convinced yourself you're right and no one is going to convince you otherwise.

Best of luck for you and your family.