Poll: Are consequences effective?

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AH-HA!! We've finally had a break through with this one!! It was like a switch being flipped. My son finally realized that going to his room to chill out is not meant as a punishment but as a chance for him to regroup and start over. That, paired with calm repetition of "I'm not yelling at you, why are you yelling at me?", finally got through to him. Sometimes I still get, "I'M SORRY MOM! I'M NOT MAD AT YOU. I'M JUST MAD!! !"
I usually respond with a goofy look on my face, "OK! WHAT ARE WE MAD ABOUT?? I'LL YELL WITH YOU!!"
Then I let him rant... to which I'll throw in very loud, ridiculous comments, siding with him... which usually leads to some sort of giggling.. and when he calms down, I ask him if it was appropriate for him to burst through the front door screaming at me... and ask how this should be handled next time? (which I don't expect to actually happen, but repetition works wonders... so who knows? maybe someday!)

When he IS mad at me, I still say, "I'm not yelling at you, why are you yelling at me?" ... "Do you want to listen when you're yelled at? or do you want to turn it off?" And I often suggest going to his room to chill out and calm down so that he can speak to me in a manner that I can understand. Miraculously, he will now go to his room....AND CALM DOWN!! Then he'll come back remorseful and apologize for yelling, want a hug, and be ready to talk about the issue.

One thing I noticed reading through your comments was the one about the dirty feet from playing outside 'all day'.... I have learned that there are time to be specific, and times to be vague. If I screw it up, I can expect to be corrected. That's just part of the game and there is no use being frustrated by it. One thing that has helped us is vocabulary. My son has learned the words 'figurative' and 'literal'. Being able to say, "You're right honey, I didn't mean that literally," has made a huge difference. Now if I give that explanation, my son totally gets it and is like '"ohh ok"... Before learning those words, it would have been a half hour tirade just like your daughter's. Another thing on that line... in your daughter's mind, dirty feet might not be a big deal.. if it's not to her, why, as far as she's concerned, would it be a big deal to you?.. So, I've found that in situations like that I have to say truths that are relative to me and my feelings.. "I don't like your feet on me." or "You're invading my space".. it might sound harsh, but my son can totally relate to those feelings.

As far as punishments go... It depends on the offense and the situation and what you call a punishment. I consider cleaning the bathroom floor and toilet after a "miss" not a punishment, but learning to be responsible for our actions. If I can find an immediate, appropriate consequence for an action, I will surely seize it... Grounding, spankings, timeouts, all of those have been tried throughout the years, not a one of them helped the situation, in fact it only made it worse.

Finding your child's destressing activity is a wonderful thing. For my son it's coloring and puzzles, or legos or Lincoln Logs... For your daughter, like me, it sounds like reading. As a child, I would take my bean bag chair in my bedroom closet with a little lamp and read for hours. No one bugged me there. It was my private space. Perhaps you can help your daughter make herself a sanctuary like that with the understanding that when she needs to be alone, that is the place she can go and everyone will recognize that she needs alone time. When you do this, explain that the living room is a community area and that people occupying that space are giving the impression that they want to be part of the community (and that participating in "community" means being respectful and courteous to each other). If this doesn't seem like something she'd like, perhaps she can help you come up with a different way of letting people know she's closed for business and not feeling sociable. (Does she like hats? Maybe a "Sociable" hat and an "Unsociable" hat... lol I don't know.. just grabbing at ideas.. sometimes we have to be creative!! )