Now solo dad
19 Oct 2011, 7:03 am
Thanks for your support DW_a_mom; appreciated as obviously with the separation going on and mainly taking over the household and admin at business, and trying to deal with our son's difficulties, it is not an easy time. However I have had far worse in my life!
I will keep the cake decorating idea in mind. When the kids were little and I was better off I remember getting $80 decorated cakes for their birthdays instead of the $15 McDonalds cakes of more recent times (!) so obviously there can be a demand for that sort of thing. However I think our son is not too likely to be keen on that. He has just made another computer animation today (instead of tidying the video area and printing off past exams as he was supposed to do!) and it was quite good, so who knows, he might be able to learn enough to do something with that. He has the cartooning skills, which is the underlying skill he needs, and it may be that he does not need to learn the sort of computer programming skills that are necessary for real animation (like Maya used for the film Ice Age etc). A difficulty is, I come from a more academic background and am more comfortable with understanding those sorts of careers, but presuming our son gets on top of his executive function shortcomings, to enable him to have a career, it is taking some thinking to try and determine what that might be.
26 Oct 2011, 6:10 pm
Just as an update progress is mixed at the moment. On the plus side things are more amicable with our son's mother (who is not pushing for any house sale for at least this year), and we and he have spent some time with her at her new accommodation. I would not particularly like to stay there myself, but it could be worse (and there is a McDonalds only about 200 yards down the road, which our son will doubtless like!) I think probably once it is a bit better set up (eg with internet, DVD/video players etc) our son would not mind going there. At the moment my wife has agreed to avoid disruption he will only visit her on the weekends (eg going there around 11.30am on this coming Saturday after we have all walked the dog on the beach, and coming back on the Sunday). I was thinking of introducing our son to another asperger boy of about the same age (arranged through a friend of our daughter) on that Saturday, but that can wait. It is hard to know if our son will get friendly with this boy given our son "gets along" with boys at school but does not have any real friends. Also our son is "high functioning" and appears normal and does not want to associate with people who do not look normal. Apparently this possible new friend while bright has not managed any external exams and is also obsessed with trains etc (-our son will be completely uninterested in that). However they both share an interest in movies. So we will see. It would be really great if he could get a buddy. (His mother has also been introducing our son to some boys who are staying in neighbouring flats; think that went ok).
My son has been doing indifferently at getting on top of his executive function issues. I have been simplifying the instructions and giving reminders but he has not been doing the allotted tasks too well if at all. So we are needing to work on that as much as possible. It may be that I have to get him to come into work after school if he does not improve in the nearish future.
27 Oct 2011, 3:28 am
Basagu - I get what you are saying about letting him take some ownership of being responsible, and can try running with that to a degree, but the problem is I do really have to monitor him, as he lives in his own world.
You feel like you have to monitor him or he won't do what you want, and he might not, but you don't actually have to monitor him. Becoming an adult is not about doing things when and how one's parents want, but about learning the limits and boundaries which provoke one to do them on their own how they want. There are certainly house rules he should abide by and things you will have to get on his case about but you have to be careful not to be an overlord who doesn't let him grow on his own because it's not to your liking.
If you are, he actually won't learn how to be independent because he will always need someone to enforce the structure for him. Most people with AS do very well in structured environments but many have trouble maintaining that structure on their own, and so a super structured environment is not really compatible with growth towards independent living for someone with AS. You should aim for responsible yet maintainable.
Actually, no, I wouldn't. In fact I consider those who do anomalies. Most 17 year olds do not have the intellectual maturity to to take such corrective steps, and many individuals with AS, even adults, would struggle in this task because it involves coordinating with which is essentially a complex social system.
Here are some of the obstacles to navigating such a system:
What needs to be done?
Sometimes there will be an answer to this question and sometimes there won't. You have to keep in mind that many people with AS learn differently than others and many teenagers struggle in school due to depression caused by environmental factors, neurological changes, the knowledge of impending adulthood, etc. They don't always have the drive they need to do well and parents acknowledge this but tend to minimize it.
Who should he speak to and what does he say to them?
If he were to walk up to the secretary at school and say "I'm having a hard time in my classes." Will she understand his needs and be able to direct him to the right person? Or will he fall victim to a defect in the office communication chain that only someone with AS could possibly find?
Very frequently people with AS speak and are not heard. They often struggle with ineffective communication because they say the right thing to the wrong person or the wrong thing to the right person or the wrong thing to the wrong person. Or maybe they say the right thing but in the wrong way.
And if they don't understand, what does he do?
People with AS don't know when it's appropriate to push a matter. They have no intuition for the inner workings of many of these complex social systems and so tend to view them as black boxes that should magically work the way logic says. They tell X their problem. X goes into the black box and does her job. Desirable results come out of the black box. This is how things should work, but unfortunately, they don't really. At least not for someone with AS.
If you really wanted to do your son a big favor you should teach him how to navigate these types of systems and strengthen his over all need based communication skills.
28 Oct 2011, 12:17 am
Basagu - I get what you are saying about letting him take some ownership of being responsible, and can try running with that to a degree, but the problem is I do really have to monitor him, as he lives in his own world.
You feel like you have to monitor him or he won't do what you want, and he might not, but you don't actually have to monitor him. Becoming an adult is not about doing things when and how one's parents want, but about learning the limits and boundaries which provoke one to do them on their own how they want. There are certainly house rules he should abide by and things you will have to get on his case about but you have to be careful not to be an overlord who doesn't let him grow on his own because it's not to your liking.
If you are, he actually won't learn how to be independent because he will always need someone to enforce the structure for him. Most people with AS do very well in structured environments but many have trouble maintaining that structure on their own, and so a super structured environment is not really compatible with growth towards independent living for someone with AS. You should aim for responsible yet maintainable.
Actually, no, I wouldn't. In fact I consider those who do anomalies. Most 17 year olds do not have the intellectual maturity to to take such corrective steps, and many individuals with AS, even adults, would struggle in this task because it involves coordinating with which is essentially a complex social system.
Here are some of the obstacles to navigating such a system:
What needs to be done?
Sometimes there will be an answer to this question and sometimes there won't. You have to keep in mind that many people with AS learn differently than others and many teenagers struggle in school due to depression caused by environmental factors, neurological changes, the knowledge of impending adulthood, etc. They don't always have the drive they need to do well and parents acknowledge this but tend to minimize it.
Who should he speak to and what does he say to them?
If he were to walk up to the secretary at school and say "I'm having a hard time in my classes." Will she understand his needs and be able to direct him to the right person? Or will he fall victim to a defect in the office communication chain that only someone with AS could possibly find?
Very frequently people with AS speak and are not heard. They often struggle with ineffective communication because they say the right thing to the wrong person or the wrong thing to the right person or the wrong thing to the wrong person. Or maybe they say the right thing but in the wrong way.
And if they don't understand, what does he do?
People with AS don't know when it's appropriate to push a matter. They have no intuition for the inner workings of many of these complex social systems and so tend to view them as black boxes that should magically work the way logic says. They tell X their problem. X goes into the black box and does her job. Desirable results come out of the black box. This is how things should work, but unfortunately, they don't really. At least not for someone with AS.
If you really wanted to do your son a big favor you should teach him how to navigate these types of systems and strengthen his over all need based communication skills.
Chronos - Thanks for your comments.
Well …. The fact of the matter is I do have to monitor him. I am largely a laid back liberal, “enabling” parent who would like nothing better than that the kids would simply get on with things, with me in the background, just say coming to me for advice from time to time. I would like nothing better than that I would not need an input into our son’s difficulties and he would sort things out himself. Unfortunately this has not worked with my son. His extreme executive function deficits have led to a disastrous school year, and the more I examine his behavior the more I become aware that he is going to need a LOT of assistance in dealing with his executive function issues. Of course, some time in the future, I will be looking to fade out my help and monitoring, but it is not going to be anytime soon, unfortunately.
Well … in the second extract you quoted I was more referring to a NT teenager and in general I stand by that eg a NT teenager who does badly on a test will make some more effort to work a bit harder next time. Even a NT teenager who does not like his classes will generally do enough to scrape through with a C. My son because of his executive function difficulties does not seem to grasp what he needs to do, and this is not a social communication issue, it’s more an issue of simply not grasping what the world is about and what is required.
That stated I do take on board and appreciate your comments on the difficulties of aspies in social interactions. In due course I would certainly be intending to try and guide him in that area. However the issue at the moment is to try and get order into his life and help with his executive function deficits. That will give him a better base to work through things and hopefully my monitoring can be reduced as we try and work toward his adulthood and independence.
