What is your biggest fear for your child with Autism?

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My biggest fear is that my son wont be able to take care of himself and will be dependent on others. I feel my goal is to make him as independent as possible. I am lookig at school as a rehersal for life. It sounds bad but I am not all that concern about his grades, when he starts getting them (he is only 3 yo), I am more interested in working on his self help skills. As the years go by, the focus will be teach him how to figure out his own ways for doing things himself.

On a different note, something clicked and he has begun pulling up his pants after he uses the bathroom and putting on his sandals, with minimal coaxing. Apparently he just needed lots and lots and lots of practice.

My biggest fear is that my daughter will always have this debilitating anxiety and will never feel confident or secure enough to live on her own. And my other fear is that she will be taken advantage of in some horrible way or experience a traumatic situation which would scar her sensitive disposition.

It's ok, no problem.

Well the way I see it, if he's the big R then it's a lot less likely he will be able to live independently in the future.

Anyway his teachers keep telling me how smart he is...

My biggest worries are depression/suicide due to being bullied (thankfully no bullying happening yet) and being unable to use his bright mind for college and fulfilling work, instead ending up as the guy living in his parents house wearing sweatpants and playing video games 24/7 because he can't hold down a job.

Well, I suppose the r-word may have an association with some aspects of living independently but our society has a habit of labeling when minor behavioral traits appear together. If your child is able to look after himself then to me that's more important than what people label him.

It's a step-wise process of priority, obviously nobody wants their child labelled.

I'm talking more along the lines of actually having a low IQ, never learning to talk or do much else, and ending up living in a group home or something like that.

Isn't that a separate issue then? Having a normal range IQ (> 90) means you automatically can't be labelled ret*d. Being "called" ret*d is another matter and has little to do with actual intelligence and more to do with displaying social in-group traits and demonstrating functionality and independence.

Yeah what I mean is an actual R diagnosis.

How do you communicate your fears with your child, are you open or do you try and shelter them? What age do you tell your child they have autism or aspergers? The students I teach are high functioning and in elementary school, some of the parents aren't even on the same page with if their child truly has ASD. I understand the fears of if your child will be a happy productive adult. I know some of the adults I have worked with have ASD, and they can be treated poorly by adults. I guess I question what is typical anymore, with the latest stats showing ASD in 1 of every 88 kids.

That is a huge fear. I can't imagine what that must feel like. I am sure that is something you have to plan for when they are quite young.

I am sorry if I stirred up some pain. I am just trying to understand, and your input has been helpful. Please know that as a special education teacher I do care about what you are telling me. Thank you for your time.

Going back to the big R label. I think people are more compassionate to a child or adult who is mentally impaired. I think people fear what they can't see. I remember my friend coming home from the pediatrician, where she learned her son has autism. Her life changed forever on that day, but her biggest fear was that her son looked "normal" and that no one would be able to see that there was something wrong with him, until perhaps it was too late and he got physically hurt. She felt if they could see his autism he would be treated better. Do you feel that way?

I think the "he looks normal" situation is a real concern. Like it or not, most people have certain expectations of other people based on how they look. For example, if you see a small child that appears to be just learning how to walk, you don't expect them to carry on a lengthy conversation. You may not really expect a child that age to remember to say please or thank-you. On the other side of the coin, if you see a school aged child that does not "appear" to have any obvious disabilities, you may expect him or her to be able to follow directions from an adult and participate in group activities (as a couple of examples). An adult may also expect that a school age child would look at them when the adult is talking and respond appropriately. These are all things that my son's peers generally do but he generally does not do. For an adult who does not know him and who does not know much about kids with disabilities, he just looks like a bad kid and he sometimes gets treated that way, usually with pretty catastrophic results. I would think that kids with other types of neurological conditions probably have the same trouble. If you could see autism or ADHD (or many of the other conditions where there are generally no specific outward appearance characteristics) I think it would make a difference with the expectations that some people have. Of course, being able to "see" autism would also come with a range of difficulties.

This is small comfort to the parents. And no, people aren't always more compassionate, they just have more warning to run.

Unfortunately you may be right, people often look for the easy out. I saw a mom on a news show talking about how her son's physical appearance caused children to stare and parents to snap at their children for staring. She took those opportunities to have her son share his disability with both the staring child and snapping parents. One small step in the right direction don't you think?