Disappointed in support group I attended last night

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That's a nicely delicate way of putting it. And it's true, during a time of serious need I was able to turn to a Lubavitch family. Nothing is really free there -- there's proselytization, for sure -- but she was a good, good woman and I will never really be able to repay her.

As for the Jewish community more broadly, it..well, it's a nice idea. It works for certain things. If you want your kid to go to an expensive summer camp, they've got your back. But if you have serious needs to do with basics, they don't really want to know you. And that's a problem nationally, a larger problem every year. There is a lot of Jewish poverty, but by and large the community refuses to believe it and finds the whole business distasteful. They still don't deal well with disability, divorce (without instant remarriage), unemployment, a range of other ordinary problems. As for single moms...I find that Jews who affiliate with Jewish organizations tend to be pretty uncomfortable with having single mothers rolling around in the community. They're worried you're there to steal a husband.

Several years ago a woman from our synagogue very shyly asked my help in moving a mattress into her mother's room in an assisted-living facility in my neighborhood. Not a problem. She was endlessly grateful, gave us a piano, practically adopted us. I thought this very strange until I saw other incidences of people in the community -- aging or elderly, generally -- really needing help, and no one stepping up. I was and am shocked by this -- it wasn't always this way. But it seems to me that that's become the character of the broader community. I think it's a serious problem.

In general the people who have helped us have been Christian women I've known through other social organizations, work, and kid stuff. One woman was ever so generous with her time, but she's got stepkids and in the last few years she and her husband have both had serious health problems. She wants to help out, but there's no way I'd ask her to; she's on the verge of a breakdown as it is -- I wish I could do something for her. The people I rely on most? Honestly? I barely know them. Other troop moms, classmates' moms. Women I've had coffee with once in five years. Depending on where you are, it might not be culturally feasible, but what about daycare or school moms? Can you or your wife ask for help from any of them? You know: "Hi -- I'm cybermom, cyberkid's mother. I'm so sorry to ask this, but I'm really in a bind -- [explanation of situation]. Would you be able to [do kind thing]?" I mean they might be standoffish, again depending on where you are, but many women will recognize a mom who needs a hand and help out readily when asked. I don't know your story, or whether it's your kid(s) with ASD -- that can make things harder -- but if she can hand off the easier things when everything's a bit too much, that might leave people more inclined to say yes. Of course, maybe she's already tried all this.

I think psychiatrists call this "social capital" a social resource you can draw upon in times of need. It's particularly useful for people with mental illness who require positive reinforcement from extended family, friends and community. There's plenty of literature to suggest isolated families (and particularly single mothers) without access to "social capital" are more likely to stay depressed or if one or more partners develop addictions are more likely to relapse.



Yes I take your point, there may be a conflict of interest if a voluptuous young single mother attends dinner parties it can cause their otherwise loyal husband's eyes to wander. In that instance there is some merit for the mothers to dress "chaste", what was that famous saying by Dorothy Parker "Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses"...



I think my wife is much too proud to ask for help. Any case we are surviving on our own. My post relates more to the OP's predicament.
"Cybermom" and "cyberkid" You aren't related to Jerry Seinfeld by any chance...

A suggestion for the OP: look at social networking sites for an informal group. I was desperate to find other parents and found a group on Meetup.com by simply typing in "parents" and "Asperger's." You don't have to be that specific, you might also find a single-parent group (be careful that you don't wind up in a group that is about dating - usually the groups are pretty straightforward on their home page about their intentions) or a group for single parents of special needs kids.

If there isn't one - you can always start one yourself if you can manage a little time to set up the site (and then you get to control the schedule!) Seems less difficult than it actually is.

The group I belong to does much better than the ones I'd been to that were managed by a social worker. We just meet at a local coffee shop, and talk about whatever we feel like talking about - yes, conversations are typically about parenting and schools, but sometimes we just laugh and are silly together and sometimes we're comforting the new person who comes in sobbing (because we were all that person once) Our group is mostly mothers by virtue of happening when the kids are at school, but there is a Dad-specific group also, and any member can schedule a get-together.

I know the social workers are trying to help, but sometimes you don't need an agenda, you just need to be around people who get it when you tell them your first thought when you saw the car scene in the remake of "The Omen" was "Seriously, a little cut on the head and you're bawling? Lightweight."

I think you can be assured that life is a two way street and it really, truly is those moms' pleasure to do those things, as making a child happy and giving a child opportunities is always enriching. Their wish for you would be that you had the same options. Not so you could reciprocate, but so that you could enjoy it.