High school refusal -- need help!

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I was notorious for school refusal, except in my case it was only ASD related things that made it so awful for me (though at the time I was misdiagnosed as being depressed when I absolutely wasn't). I just couldn't handle all the changing that happens and the people stressed me out, plus all the sensory things like bells ringing.

What saved me was the homebound program. I was in it for my last year and a half of high school. Before that, I'd been in two different public high schools, one private one, and my mom tried homeschooling me on her own for awhile. The homebound program prepared me really well for online college because it got me used to scheduling when I needed to do my work and staying on top of everything. I am not sure if I would have had such a good transition to online school if I hadn't been in the homebound program first.

That would be my big recommendation to you. Unfortunately, it is kind of hard to get into and it sounds like her school counselor may not be the most helpful person plus you said there was a problem because of switching counselors. If she can't get in, then definitely try the online school and try to help her get organized and everything. Hopefully she can make it to the end of the year and will have the summer to recoup. If all else fails, maybe she can drop out and take the GED instead. That was my back-up plan.

I've been in the bowl of pretzels place - when I was in high school (can't even write this without tearing up) I used to lie on the floor and write "God, please let me die" in the carpet pile with my finger, then wipe it away and write it again. Nobody knew I did that, and nobody helped me. While this was happening, my family was constantly after me - I got an awful lot of "really, you're too tired to change into pajamas? Really, you can't do your homework?" "Can't you at least have a conversation?" I COULD NOT. It took every ounce of energy I had to simply go through the motions of the day.

Depression is a very real thing, and it really does make you THAT tired. Your daughter is not creating drama (my mother's phrase for it was "making theater." Funny to me now, because I got a degree in theater in college - but it hurt me a lot at the time.) She does not have sufficient internal resources to do everything you and the school are asking her to do.

I highly recommend that you read Hyperbole and a Half to get a perspective on what's happening to her - it's a book, but it's still available as a weblog here: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2 ... ssion.html Allie Brosh is not diagnosed with autism, she has ADHD, but I think she offers the best possible description of what it's like to be neurologically different from the people around you and to suffer from depression. I love her - and I've had many a corn-under-the-refrigerator moment in my life.

There are 1,000 things that make going to school difficult for someone on the spectrum - the book was just the tipping point. IMO, your daughter needs a lot more support than she's getting, and I'm guessing that the supports she's getting may not be the ones she needs (sounds like she needs "scaffolding" during the school day.) She could have sensory issues that are affecting her ability to work, she could be reacting to social problems, she might have too much going on in her own head to be able to concentrate. She may also have been a victim of some sort of abuse, either by her peers or by someone else, and that could be contributing to this paralysis you're seeing.

Kids on the autism spectrum sometimes simply need more time to do the things their neurotypical peers do. Have you asked her school if they can offer her a longer-term program with shorter days and zero homework? They are legally obliged to offer her support until she's 21 or 22, I think, and she has a diagnosis that qualifies her for FAPE, which she isn't getting right now.

A friend of mine is moving her son from a theraputic school to a half-day in the mainstream high school, and I think that's the right approach. Your daughter should be able to leave school at school, as it clearly exhausts her; maybe a half-day program with a supported homework period would help.

Momsparky: Thank you so much for sharing your experience and wisdom! I have read hyperbole and a half in the past and found it enlightening and entertaining (this is the one with the simple drawings, right?). I've also worked with people with depression for the past 10 years and at this point I probably have some situational depression myself. It's not that I don't think she is depressed. It's not that I can't imagine that this is all so exhausting. It's that she was having a great conversation with us then went upstairs and everything changed (I'm not saying it can't suddenly come over you either, I really -- in the moment -- felt like the pretzel bowl was an added emphasis that didn't have to happen but there also may be something else going on health-wise -- we're seeing the dr. today... There has been a piece to this situation that has felt manipulative and she has gotten so much control in our family .... But I can't share everything to let you see the whole picture.) I also know that some things make depression worse and some things can help decrease it -- especially with the help of an anti-depressant that can take the edge off of it so you can do some things to help yourself. I love her and have been doing everything I can to help her -- changed her to a tech school last year, a small charter school this year then to our public high school as she wanted that. Trying to find a "place" for her. Now cyber school next year...

Anyway, the school said another option is for her to do a therapeutic school that would entail part of the day doing school, part of the day doing group and some individual therapy which could start now and continue through the summer. She doesn't want to do this and I'd rather not have her do this. She needs a break plus HATES group therapy (she was just in a partial program and hated it -- this would be similar). She does have sensory issues (the school is aware of this) that are absolutely impacting how she is dealing with things. I'm just hoping she can get through these 19 days -- she only attends from 9 am to 2:30 pm and has a free period to go to the library 2 out of 5 days last period ... At this point her grades don't matter that much, it would just be good to get some credits (realize that she had A's the first half of the year at the small charter school but she refused to keep going there -- partly due to rules and uniforms -- and wanted to go to this school where her sister is). I think part of this is also related to her sister graduating this year and going away to college... There is so much but all we can do is keep trying...

I also think she needs the summer off in order to not constantly focus on her mental health. I understand that ASD is a part of her and depression is a part of her now but in some ways focusing on it constantly feels like it can make it worse or harder to deal with. She is a teen, regardless of these other things. This summer, I want her to be able to just do some digital drawing, play some Wizard101, watch some Dr. Who episodes, eat some water ice and relax! I also hear what you are saying about your own experience and feeling like you were not taken seriously. I do take her very seriously. I do listen to her (we talk every day about things and sometimes play heads up or watch some science videos together.) and I do hear her. But there is only so much I can do -- inpatient hospital is really stressful and traumatic, partial hospital is not particularly helpful which leaves outpatient therapy and psychiatry -- which is what we are doing...

As for the book (which others have posted about) -- it's irrelevant now. She doesn't have to do anything with it, she has so much to deal with from this marking period that last marking period is a wash. And I can't worry about that book anymore. I just want her to survive right now. There will be little emphasis on homework at home at this point. It's about getting through this. Grades are the last concern.

Yes, that's the book; it's extremely insightful, isn't it?

Here's the thing: in order to be manipulative, you have to have a lot of skills that are antithetical to ASD. For instance, you have to be able to understand the perspective of other people clearly enough to be able to see that you can affect it, and you have to be able to have enough of an understanding of how to communicate effectively verbally and nonverbally to to be able to get people to do what you want.

Understanding that you can't post everything (and bravo to you for respecting your daughter's privacy) and that I may not have all the information...manipulation kind of doesn't pass the sniff test to me. Instead, one of the ways we parents have learned to frame things is "behavior is communication." Kids on the spectrum often don't have any other way to connect the dots between the internal and the external than to act in whatever way their neurology directs them (not sure if that makes sense...)

Let me explain: my son was often accused of being manipulative because when he melted down he would sometimes very purposefully follow me around the house to hit me when he was told he couldn't have or do something he wanted to do (years ago, we're well past this now.) It LOOKED like he was making a calculated effort to scare me into changing my mind...except I never changed my mind, ever. He never got what he wanted out of that behavior - an NT kid would have given up after a few tries. The truth is, he wasn't in control of himself, he was in a blind rage and I was the only safe target - he knew I could protect myself and that I would still love him afterward.

It took a significant amount of time and work to change this (you can go through my old posts to see all the things we did) but it did change eventually, and one way it changed was me changing my expectations of what my son was able to handle in terms of transitions and predictability. Could you frame that as manipulative? I guess, but as he's gotten older he has become more flexible rather than less - he's more capable of understanding that some things are out of his control. I would guess that if he had been manipulating me, he would not have improved.

Sorry - I'm a little disjointed today and am not sure if I'm making sense, but I know many parents of autistic children struggle with the idea that they're being manipulated, and I think that particular frame doesn't help either you or your child.

I think the feeling of being manipulated can be an understandable reaction when someone with ASD is feeling overwhelmed and desperately trying to get help, fix the problem, communicate--in the middle of having melted down to at least some extent. The communication seems so clumsy, people feel manipulated.

Maybe this could be happening with your daughter?

momsparky: I do think all children can learn and that as they get older, they become more flexible and learn other ways of coping or expressing themselves to communicate what they want and need whether they are NT or ASD. But I really feel like I touched a nerve with you regarding the manipulation statement. I will think about what you've said about it. I also thank Waterfalls for the comments about it possibly feeling like manipulation.

I also apologize for pouring out so much so quickly. I've been spewing my stress and you all barely know me and I've been throwing out information that may give you a certain opinion of me. We don't know each other yet.

Thanks to everyone who posted in response to my request for help. I feel like I've learned a lot in the few days I've been a part of this community!

No, that's not you, that's me not communicating very well; I'm currently under some physical stress and it's making my communication skills suffer. I don't have a poor opinion of you or your parenting!

I am just trying to point out that the idea of manipulation is common on this forum (it's actually being discussed in another thread right now) and many parents who believed their children were being manipulated (including myself) have found that it wasn't the appropriate frame to use for the behaviors we were concerned about. Sometimes something as simple as thinking about something in a different way makes it easier to figure out the appropriate approach.

momsparky: Hyperbole and a half is awesome...

Definitely. I'd been a fan for years and was extremely worried about Allie when she suddenly dropped off the planet.

This is not about the book.
This is about teaching your daughter that she needs to sometimes do things that she doesn't want to do.