Step son -undiagnosed AS does not want to go outside??.

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Different kids respond to it differently. My NT daughter is a TV and internet game addict and, for her, NOT forcing her out of the house is destructive. But my AS son ... it's different. He's not doing the quick sand thing with screen time like my daughter (and I) do; he fully engages, he uses his brain, he's teaching himself programming, he's coming up with new creative ideas ... if it starts to feel like quick sand, he pushes it all away and starts to pace. He can't stand having the TV on all day, for he feels like its some hypnosis machine designed to keep him from thinking; he actively tries to prevent that. He wants his free time to follow the interests his own unique mind is coming up with. He'll have a great idea for a strategy in a game he's playing, he'll want to get a warhammer army ready, he'll have come up with a new level for a game he's programming in game maker. Allowed to and encouraged to follow his own interests, instead of someone else's, he is actually very instinctively driven to do the things that are healthy for him. Unlike my NT daughter. Maybe it's the AS, or maybe it's just his personality; I have no way of knowing. But I really don't worry about him on that score. He's in Boy Scouts and loves it; he is learning to program and deal with computer code far beyond anything I can comprehend; he enjoys science and history museums (his favorite places for outings); but he doesn't play sports, he doesn't enjoy most family days because he loses patience with his sister (hence everyone enjoying it much better if we all split), and he doesn't get excited about theme parks or going to the movies. He's just ... different.

As for what to tell the other children since you don't have a label, this is basically what we've told our kids:

We want everyone to have a good time.
We want to spend time together.
We think it's good to sometimes have everyone go a little outside their comfort zones.
We respect that every member of our family is a unique individual with unique needs.
We try to be considerate of those unique needs.
There is a difference between needs and wants, and part of a parent's job is trying to understand the difference.
Sometimes that means someone does something they wouldn't otherwise do just so we can do it together.
Sometimes that means we split up, regroup, and split up. Either for the full day, or within an outing.
Sometimes that means one child will seem to get a special privilege over the other, but then the other needs to understand that we, as parents, have sensed a need, not just a want, and are being respectful of that. When we sense need in them, they'll get the same consideration.
If you want us to treat you as a unique individual with unique needs, then you have to allow us to do that with the other.
Even when it does not seem fair.
Trust that we are doing the same for you.
If you're happy more often that not, then I guess we've got it right.
If you aren't, let's figure it out.

I do think, btw, that some of this conversation has run into the typical AS v. NT conversation issue of the need for complete literal detail v. the tendency to sum things up in a broader manner. Us NT parents aren't quite used to having what we see as social conversation picked apart point by point as if this were a debate; not until we've spent many long hours on boards like this one, at least. I hope you don't get too frustrated catsmeow41; you need to understand that this is the way AS talk and think. They don't mean to offend; they are honestly trying to understand and get the accurate picture. How they do that is different than how most of the people in your real life will have done it. You will learn a whole lot about your step son (who does sound AS to me, for as much as that is or isn't worth) by learning to understand how our members share information and ideas. They'll always call it as they see it; you have to figure out if they've seen it accurately, of course, since only you know the reality in your family.

A little more on the computer thing. Screen time seems to make my daughter irritable; if I leave her at it all day, she doesn't seem happy at the end of the day, and she has trouble sleeping. With my son, it isn't like that.

I know it can sound counter-intuitive to hear that a child might actually NEED an activity that we've been taught isn't healthy when overdone, and that we know from our experience with ourselves isn't healthy when overdone, but with AS kids and adults, computer time often helps them feel MORE connected to the world, and not less. It isn't running away; it's finally finding home. Does that make sense?

Thank you. The problem I have with my s/o is he definately has undisgnosed AS..and to get him to do ANYTHING regarding this woman is next to impossible..even when she took him to court..he could not speak..I spoke on his behalf, he doddled on paper and barely said a word.. he becomes almost canatonic around her & cannot handle her aggressive personality. She works for youth services, and she uses her children as a contant weapon against my s/o, while ensuring she stays behind the lines of the law that will allow anyone to see what she is all about, I feel she s a socialpath & thats maybe thats whats happening with the youngest as well, as he has a desire to harm & kill animlas..
My s/o will never be able to get up & do anything for his children within this regard,.he is too passvie & when it comes to her,, his soultion iis to run, avoid, ignore etc. He get major anxiety, has shut downs & fully withdraws if I try to push him too much on this topic.
When he advised he n his AS.. an email ( which I wrote on his behalf) he explained that he was sure he has undiagnosed AS, and cannot afford to do the testing at this time, but suspect strongly that the boys also have AS, and their behaors reflect many of the same traits as most As children ( his 11ys old son was really into banging his head..up until last year he did this regularlly)
She basically flipped out at my s/o & I know he will just not approach it again.
He has alot of anxiety and the 7 years he spent with her almost killed him, in fact he did try to end it all..he is scared of her..and when it somes to dealing with her..he will not..only if I really push..and I pushed on this, and it didnt work... no matter how much he loves his kids. I wish I could do more for the boy, but its out of my hands..
I will look at these suggestions & seee what I can do to accomadate all of the children, ad Im certain there is enough wonderful suggestions from all these posts that I can work something out.

thank you for all your support.

Hang in there Catsmeow. You have ALOT going on. Just do the best you can with the circumstances. You sound like a very caring and responsible person. They are all lucky to have you!

Thank you..Ive been asking many ppl what I should do, and we did suggest we would call childrens services, but she works for them, so I dont know what good this will do..I am doing my best to do my best, but I dont know what else to do.. i dont know if my s./o will go along with calling the childrens services, and to do so against him, well it may send him into a place that i dont want to see him go..he almost had a shutdown even when I asked if I could respond to her on his behalf about the cat thing..she basically said she does not see a probelm & will not offer any councilling for him at this me ..he said it casued him too much anxiety & he asked me to drop it.. We did say that if this behaour cannot be redirected, then we will call childrens services in the upcoming mths. At least we have the emails where she is refusing to get them help.

Thank you, and yes the kids do definatley see Lucas with different behaviors, its very obvious..I cant beleive the mother ignores it. He was even tested for geniuus school a cpl years ago because his IQ was so high, his special interets are astronomy & computers..I will figure it out. Thanks for your advise again

Thank you I am..I love our big family & i aonly want to do whats best for all the children..its hard as I feel all alone in trying to makle a difference..my s/o has AS Im sure & he feels & behaves ina helpless manner when it comes to lifes issues..I am the one that takes care of it all..and I love to do so, but certian things are outsode of my ability to help with, and if he can not find the strength to get on board to rally for his kids, I know I can not do it for him..thats the hardest for me..feeling helpless & alone so oftenm when it comes to grown up issues that need to be handled. But when he is not stressed out, my s/o is the mst deeply loving caring person Ive ever know..and I wouldnt change a thing in my life with that regard, AS or not..im a lucky woman.. Thanks for your kind words.
i will reply to all these posts but Im at work & not getting alot of work done so far today . Ill touch base soon.

Thank you forthe time youve taken in this email..I will respond soon.

If you are in the US, you don't need any permissions to call childrens services. You call them, ask to be annonymous, state a specific situation you have seen to prove that there is medical/mental health neglect, and ask they check on the family. That will start an investigation.

Since she works for child services, you should call and state that and state your concerns that she will get preferential treatment. Or better yet, send it in writing so you have proof.

Animal killing behavior cannot be redirected. Yes, you can stop the child from killing the animal, they will just find one that no one will see them kill or know is missing, such as squirrels.