Please listen, parents. Hate on me for it if you want.

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Kurgan, there is a time to shelter and a time to throw.

I can tell you that my son would NOT have the bright future he has today if I had NOT sheltered him during certain periods of his life. I saw him checking out and giving up, choosing a different road that no one wants to see their child take. I SAW it. I KNOW where he would have gone, and have encountered plenty of kids on that road solely because they did not get what they needed.

Is there a time to throw? Yes, that too. I've had people who didn't hesitate to tell me when they thought I was holding on too tight, and that I should let my son struggle through something. I listened because I knew they were right for that moment in time, and it was just my fear that was keeping me from getting there instinctively.

But it doesn't change all the moments where shelter was, without a doubt, the right thing to do.

A baby bear cub needs to stay in its cave through out the winter or it will not survive. The same can be true for people. The problem comes when you don't realize spring has arrived and it is time to go outside.

No mom will sit and watch ideally as their child is born torn to shreds either physically or emotionally, no matter how strongly she advocates a tough approach. Of course you pull your child out of the water when their face is quietly slipping beneath the surface! Of course you run (or shoot) when a wild animal charges your child. EVERY parent protects and shelters to some degree, and often without even knowing it.

These conversations are good because sure, some parents go too far. Keep them thinking and checking in. We parents need that. But remember there are no absolutes.

I do agree what was written and even Temple Grandin has said something about it too but not rough like the OP. I find when you're calmed down and then write out your feelings, you sound nicer. That is the key to sounding more civil. It's a lot easier to do then when you're not so upset.

I don't think mine ever sheltered me. I still play with other kids and was allowed to go to other peoples houses and to going to a birthday party but in my teens I was not allowed to go on the honor roll trip because my parents knew I would get anxiety and not have fun and would ruin it for the other kids and told me they will take me up to the Edmonton Mall sometimes and they did five years later for my birthday. When I was in high school, I wasn't allowed to work during the school year because it would have been too stressful for me and I wouldn't have been able to handle work and school. But in my senior year I was allowed to work at the folkshop and it wasn't very long. But I still ended up on my own and learned to drive and got a job. I think it depends on the child so I try not to judge when I hear a parent say they won't let their ASD kid drive or go somewhere alone.

I actually made myself not post for a little while so I could think about exactly what I want to say and how to best get the point across. I tend to get passionate about something and run off at the mouth and end up pissing everybody off when I didn't mean to. That happens in real life too, so I'm used to it.

First off, I'm not at all advocating that parents turn a blind eye to bullying or the fact that the kid is being basically tortured at school, or absolutely refuse to ever accomodate severe sensory problems, etc. Never, ever would I say that. I'm talking about the parents who can't allow their kid to even be upset. The parent who feels like "I can't do anything about his AS, so I will do everything I can to never allow him to be inconvenienced or upset, no matter what it does to the rest of his life". Thats the kind of thing that can mess up a kid, AS or not.

Let me give you a couple of examples so you might get what I'm saying better. OK, first off imagine if the kid had a broken back instead of AS. Of course the parent is going to wait on them, take care of them, buy them things, try and take their mind off it, etc. But most parents would make them go to physical therapy and leave the room if they had to while the therapist pushed them to do the painful job of learning to walk all over again. It has to be done. The kind of parenting I'm talking about in this thread is the kind of parent that would say "Oh, he can't do it! It hurts him! Leave him alone, lets put him in a wheelchair and never ask him to do anything for himself again". That's an analogy. That is the kind of thing that some of the more overprotective parents do, metaphorically.

We really do have it hard enough in life trying to fit in and deal with things that don't come naturally to us, so being made to learn how to do them is more of a help than a problem, even if we don't like the learning about it part at the time.

I guess that's kind of what I'm trying to say. That while it's good to coddle them about some things, and make sure they know that home and family is a safe place and comfortable, that you can't fight all the battles for them or do everything for them yourself. Yes, they will get emotionally hurt and physically hurt in life, but so does everybody. You can't be there for them all their lives, and it's not preparing them for real life or for how they will have to live when you are gone, if you don't teach them early on to deal with some level of discomfort and to thicken their skin up to not let other people get to them so much. It might make the parent feel better at the time, but it doesn't do the child any good at all. Does that make any sense?

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I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
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OliveOilMom,

Actually, I think we are all saying this, although maybe not as well as in your last post. I think we mainly differ on where the lines are. I think we all would agree that we should scaffold and protect when we have to, and let go when we can. It is knowing when to do what, with the particular child in front of us that is sometimes the hard part.

My way would be to just let them do their own thing in their own time.

I like to take it easy and so does my daughter.

this is true for all kids, NT, ASD or whatever! Each child is different, unique in needs and care.