Teaching Non-Aspie Kids To Be Tolerant

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Hi! I have sort of a weird issue/perspective. I have ADHD and Aspergers. I live with and care for my nephew and nieces, who are 7, 6 and 2. The two oldest are very high strung and are in the process of being diagnosed with ADHD.
Every day I take them to a neighborhood playground after school. There is a 5-year-old boy who also goes to the playground every day. who has an autism spectrum disorder. (I think he's PDD-NOS.) He's a very friendly little boy who knows everyone. He has a lot of trouble with social skills. He often grabs toys from them, grabs at them, slaps them, etc. It is his way of trying to connect with them. However, it upsets my three. His mom does scold him and warn him not to do these things when he does them, but it is not enough for the other kids.
I want them to play with the little boy and include him. They have trouble understanding why they should be friends with someone who, they say, "annoys us."
I tried to explain to them that Aidan is a little different, and that he has trouble understanding how to play with other kids. I told them that he needs them to help them learn. I said when he hits them or grabs things from them they can first tell him to stop, and if he doesn't stop they can tell his mom, but that they are not allowed to run away from him/ignore him/tell him to leave them alone, etc.
They are not happy about this. Because of their own limited attention spans, they can't seem to have patience with anyone who "bothers" them.
As an adult, and as an aspie, I know that this little boy is very sweet and that he wants to be friends. But from a kid's perspective, I can see why they'd be nervous about being around a kid who grabs things and hits them.
Is there a better way for me to teach them to be patient with this little boy and to continue being friends with him?
Thanks for your advise!

There are some books to help typical kids understand Autism....other than that just teaching them that everyone is different and they dont have to play with him but they do have to be nice.

I don't think there is much you can really do. Forcing children to play with kids who annoy them isn't going to fix anything or make the children understanding. All it is going to do is make them resent the other child for being forced to be around them. Which actually makes things worse for the autistic child. You can definitely encourage your nephews and nieces to be forgiving and non judgmental when other people come across as annoying. But you can't force them to play with the annoying kid and hope that it turns out well. That just makes the situation worse for everybody.

I think I agree with Tracker. My AS son wants to be around kids who want to be around him (as long as those other kids quirks are not too annoying ).

While it's hard to put myself entirely in the other viewpoint, I think what has helped my son the most with all kids is for them to see and stay focused on the things about him they like. All kids need to be taught to be polite even to those who annoy them, but you really can't force friendship. If you want your nieces and nephews to play with the child, you have to help them find a way to ENJOY playing with the child. Perhaps brainstorming things about him that they find cool or interesting will help. From there, you can talk about how everything and everyone has it's good and it's bad points, and that it is OK to be annoyed or dislike the bad points, but then you move on and accept those as a cost to the good points. If you want to eat ice cream, you have to part with some money. If you want to play with the kid with the most unique imagination on the planet (my son, lol), then you have to accept some quirky behaviors. It is all part of the balance of life. No one or anything is ever going to be exactly the way you want them or it all time.

We used that approach to help my son make friends at age 7 with a child he wanted to avoid, and it seems like other kids have done something similar with him: they can either accept the trade offs, or they can't. Those who can are his friends. Those who can't ... well, they've had parents willing to teach them they can't be rude or force him away, and everyone deals.

You shouldn't force kids to play with a kid they don't like. Teach them to be polite yes, but you can't force them to like the kid. And you definitely shouldn't tell them they have to tolerate hitting. It's wrong no matter what your neurology. I would let a kid hit back within reason ( ie if someone slaps you you slap back but nothing worse).

Sorry for butting in, I saw this thread and looked out of curiosity. I didn't realize it was the parents' forum.

We had a situation like that with a little AS girl who lives on the next street. My two eldest are AS and my youngest was dx'd as PDD-NOS. They all have ADHD and the oldest has serious psych issues. She used to come over and ask my kids to come to her house. I liked her but my kids said she was too bossy and now refuse to have anything to do with her. Sometimes I see her around because she goes to the same school my eldest does. I always make sure to say Hi or at least wave so she knows that at least someone likes her.

If you get to know the mom and son maybe you could help him with social skills. I sure would love someone like you to chat with, which is why I come here.

Kiley

Nah, you gotta try, you never know.
Theres a boy who goes to pre-school with my son. I see him at the playground and he said to me one day, 'thats James, sometimes he hits me'. But he still always says hello to my son even though James never responds back, he has never said hello to anybody. At the pre-school they tell the children that James is still learning to talk and how to play and that he needs their help. They see him as a junior to themselves (which he is really) even though they are the same age and that they need to help and look after him, so they see themselves as mentors. It seems to work.

I agree with Nostromo on this one. My 4-year-old DD, who has ADHD (I assume, given her 50/50 chances based on my and my husband's both having it, and also her myriad symptoms!) finds her younger brother (who seems to have PDD-NOS although we're still in the middle of the assessment/diagnosis process) REALLY annoying a lot of the time. However, we have taken the approach that he "needs extra help learning how to be good friends with other children" and it has really helped a lot. *Most* of the time she is very eager to take him under her wing, because it makes her feel helpful and grown-up. The other children at their preschool have followed suit and it's nice to see how understanding children can be if you frame things in a way that make them feel like they can make a positive difference for another child.

I wouldn't force them to play together, but it definitely wouldn't hurt to put things in perspective for them so they understand that the reason another child acts "annoying" is because they need help understanding this or processing that. Kids can be cruel, but if they're guided in the right direction, they can also have a great capacity for compassion and helpfulness. My daughter understands a lot of my son's triggers, and if she's not having a super-ADHD day, she knows to avoid certain subjects, activities or behaviors that will set off my son's "annoying" behavior and they actually get along pretty great!

You can't really teach tolerance, as you don't spend enough time around those kids to be a role model for them. They'll inherit a lot of their views from their own parents; if those views are intolerant, it'll take a lot more time and effort than you have to change them.

I think you can teach tolerance - but not to the extent that they will tolerate someone taking their toys or hitting them. You can teach them to be more understanding of people who are different - but that doesn't mean they have to like them.

Funny thing is - my daughter (an Aspie) can be very intolerant of others - ASD and NT. Just depends upon the person. She can be and is understanding of others - but if she chooses NOT to be around them or NOT have anything to do with them - I don't try to push her. She does say what she thinks and why she chooses not to interact and that's good enough for me.