Sibling interactions/meltdowns/summertime

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Now that summer is here, we're noticing a lot more trouble at home because both my older girls are home. My 7 year old is having so many meltdowns and I just have no idea what to do (which propels me into my own meltdown). Most of them revolve around my 5 year old not doing exactly what the 7 year old wants to do. They enjoy playing together, but lately the 7 year old hasn't been able to be flexible AT all....it's all her way or it turns into a screaming fit in which she says mean things to the 5 year old and just really gives it to her (sometimes hits her, but mostly just yells and screams and pounds her fists on whatever she can...including herself).

Any tricks on how to handle these moments? We are trying to talk about it before they happen...but that doesn't fix it...at least not right away. I'm getting so frustrated that I'm yelling and losing my temper and my poor 5 year old is just hearing yelling from everyone. She handles it pretty well (she is NT)....but I still feel like everyone is going to be scarred from these continuous events....not to mention the fact that I have a 2 1/2 year old and 17 mo old as well...so that adds to the mix.

What can I do the help them learn to work these out....without it ending up always being my 5 year old who gives in? It's not fair to her at all....and it's not teaching my 7 year old anything either.

Allow the five year old to walk away, or make the seven year old leave.

Allowing physical distance goes a long way.

Wow you have a lot to deal with and babies on top. My 7 year old is having a lot of problems right now as well. He is very easily agitated and not sleeping well. We are gearing up for a big move and all the changes are getting to him. The only advice I have is to give her time away from her siblings which is probably next to impossible right now. Maybe get someone to take her out on a play date or something? Also she may be having sensory issues with the heat and the change in schedules. Try to find lots of sensory activities for her....If its hot sand and water are good or playing inside with shaving cream. I also use old wrapping paper and let my kids draw on the back of it and my husband brings lots of papers home that they can draw on. You may want to give her and her sister some water guns or spray bottles. The best thing to do with any kid is to keep them occupied. You also might want to set up a schedule as she may be missing the structure of school.
I also have a 5 year old Autie so I know what you mean by the bossy stuff. We try to explain calmly why people dont want to play with you when you are bossy. We give our son instances of times when people have been bossy to him and have him tell us how it made him feel. I think teaching empathy is important. My Mom did a good job of that with me and she didnt even know I had Asperger's, she just knew I lacked the ability.
Most of the time my kids dont play well together unless I am supervising which I can imagine would be hard for you with toddlers to chase after. I actually have five kids and my first three are now adults but they were close in age. So I know how that is.
Do you get any respite help?
As far as avoiding meltdowns its something you will have to feel your way around. If you can see it coming you will have to work at heading it off or redirecting. What works with my son sometimes is we tell him something that we know will make him laugh. With my Autie we have to use different means like putting her in her swing or giving her squishes (piling pillows on her and putting some of our weight on her). We also do massages with my kids to calm them down. It basically consists of squeezing with my daughter (on her arms and legs) with my son its the little vibrating animal on his back.
I know you are really busy but its all down to finding what works....sometimes nothing does and its ok when you loose it, I do it sometimes too. Its just worth it to take the extra time to find things that work because it is so much better on every ones nerves.

Last edited by liloleme on 05 Jun 2010, 12:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

we use a timer to designate whose turn it is to be the decision maker. we have 4 yr old aspie and a very bossy 6 yr old nt, they play together all the time but often its a fight over who gets to choose what to play. enter the timer. for 15 or 30 minute increments, depending on what it is they are playing, the timer keeps track of who gets to decide what happens. we also incorporate their 13 yr old brother into the mix when all three want to use the big tv in the living room.

the meltdowns have reduced a lot with the timer. my aspie is able to see that his turn is coming, its not just an abstract future time. i think its helping him learn to deal with transitions too, he can sometimes have mini meltdown when his turn is over, but not nearly as bad as before the timer.

of course, then we see arguing over who gets time first. thats sometimes mommy's call, or it goes to whoever was already playing first when the other decided to join in. on rare occassions ive used "choose a number from 1 to 10" when its only the older two involved. in the future we may use rock, paper, scissors when my aspie is a bit older and better able to do it.

for other things, daily events like a bedtime movie, they simply alternate.

i started using the timer for other things too, like dinner. my aspie will wolf down food then bolt back to whatever he was doing so he only eats enough to stave off hunger, then requires another meal before bed. i am big on the "family dinner time", so sometimes i set the timer for 15 minutes and they cant go until its up. it gives him a good amount of interaction and conversation practice, and he will eat a full meal instead of half of one.

we arent a very structured household, so the timer is one way for us to bring a schedule/structure into play while still letting them all have freedom to choose what to do.

I give my kids chores when they do that. If they melt down they still have to do the chore. I also send them to their bedrooms, and thankfully we have enough of those to go around so they have their own space. I also take them to organized summer activities that are appropriate for them. Keeping them very busy can overstimulate them and just make things worse, but if you find the right level of direction for them it can help.

Mine are now a little older, but it wasn't that long ago they were your kids ages. I've always kept a lot of art projects and stuff handy and will try to get them engaged with that stuff. Keeping them occupied really helps them burn off that energy in a positive way. They still fight and melt down...no I want the GREEN crayon, Honey there are at least ten that same color, NO I WANT THAT ONE...at which time I start talking naptime....

Just some tips that helped keep the bloodshed to a minimum in my houseful of kids with ASDs, ADHD and various other issues.

PS timers are great, but they end up missing or dismantled in my house. Lots of good ideas though

I think we should differentiate between a temper tantrum and a meltdown. I dont agree with punishing a kid for having a meltdown (which is due to sensory issues or overload). I understand what you mean Kiley by them having a temper tantrum because they dont want to do a chore but that is different...just wanted to make that understood.

I remember having a lot of meltdowns, the Summer of 1984, at the age of 9. My mum yelled at me, and sent me to my room, every day, maybe even twice a day. I was eager to go back to school, just to find out that school started out to be very difficult for me, the beginning of Grade 4. Still all that homework was better for me, than getting sent to my bedroom, for something that I couldn't control. 1984 was a really bad year for me, and 1985, as well.

Thank you so much for all of your ideas and information. We've been implementing the timer more this weekend and it's been most helpful! As long as she knows she will get a turn, she typically does okay with it....and it gives my 5 year old a chance to get have a little control as well.

I don't want to be a yeller....but at times I feel like i have some of the same issues as my daughter. I just end up melting down myself b/c I can't handle the chaos that ensues with her meltdowns. If I have a plan of action, I do so much better and can maintain my composure. I certainly don't want to harm any of my children by yelling...so I really appreciate everyone's ideas.

I've developed a complex, because I was yelled at and sent to my room, for crying. My dad even went as far as to bring a mirror home, put it on my bedroom wall, and said, "Now you can see how you look, when you're crying your eyes out." From that second on, I've decided to bottle my feelings and emotions, deep inside of me, and act the way that I've only seen my parents acting, as stoics who never cry a tear. All of that blew up in my face, many years later, because now when I have a meltdown, I cry the tears that I've quietly held in, between the ages of 9 and 31, instead of damaging property and harming people, in anger.

My neice lived in with us for a while and was really more like a little sister than a neice. She would follow me around EVERYWHERE and when I tried to tell my parents I needed a break they would tell me to go to my bedroom. Sometimes I wanted to go outside for a while and not have a toddler breathing down my neck all the time. My parents did not understand how annoying it was and let her follow me around everywhere until she started to get hurt by me because I could not take it anymore. I'm still being told how cruel I was to her and if my parents would have allowed me to have a break now and then it wouldn't have gotten that way. We lived in the boonies and there really wasn't anywhere I could go to get away from her except the neighbor's house but my parents let her tag along there as well. If my parents had arranged for her to go to dance classes or just kept her busy for a few minnutes so I could go outside or see my friends by myself once and while, perhaps it wouldn't have been so nasty. My mom is always accusing me of being resentful for my neice which is true but I feel I had every right to be. She says my youngest older brother is resentful of me but she makes it as if it was okay for him to feel that way but not me. I've always felt like the black sheep of the family. If you don't want your child to grow up feeling like an outsider in their own family, let her have a break from the younger sibling now and if she says the younger sibling is bothering her...listen.

actually, PunkyKat, she loves being around her siblings...maybe a little too much. She wants to help take care of them, yet has a tough time doing it. However, she doesn't like it when things don't go her way. She constantly wants to play with her 5 year old sister, but gets angry when her sister wants to do something else. Many of her meltdowns happen when her sister decides to go play by herself and my older daughter doesn't want her to. I will definitely keep that in mind, though...because there's probably a good chance it will change at some point.