getting daughter to do anything

Post Reply New Topic

I'm sure this issue has been covered lots before, but I'm covering it again, just because I had a very frustrating day yesterday with my daughter, (12 yr old. )Basically she pretty much didnt come out of her room the whole day. It was a beautiful sunny day and she stayed all day reading a book and telling me to "leave her alone!" if I tried to come in her room to talk to her , (I'm not allowed to come in ever according to her). She would spend every weekend doing nothing but reading, going on the computer or watching tv, if I let her. I know these things bring her the most pleasure and relaxation, but I'm so aware that when I do get her to take some form of exercise, her mood always improves afterwards.
But its the getting her to do it thats the struggle.
She says the only exercise she likes is surfing , however the only surfing she is prepared to do is the one week surf camp she does each year in the summer (not a sleep over camp) , in another coastal town we go to. Thats it, not interested in pursuing it outside of that that time frame or that particular camp. She has no friends from school that she sees out of school.
The only bargaining tool I have with her is the computer and I frequently use it for bribery , I'm sick of always using it, there must be another way to get her to do stuff.
She loves our dog, but getting her to walk the dog is an uphill battle, and then the walk is so short. Any ideas?
I am a single parent and basically for me to have a life means leaving her by herself allways because she never wants to go anywhere and it doesnt feel right doing this too much, yet if we do things her way then life becomes very isolated.

As someone who has spent all their time in their room, I say let it be. I think 12 years old is an okay age to be left home-alone for non-extended periods of time. Going outside is worthless unless your child needs exercise to lose weight. Most of us need a lot of solitude and downtime. If she is anything like me, she'll interact more when she is older.

wow, your daughter sounds so much like me (I'm 15), my mother is also a single parent of two (me and my younger sister 5 years younger) my sis is normal NT so is my mom, anyways unlike you my mom never lets me do anything for any extended period of time like, i cant watch t.v. all day, i cant read books for hours, i cant use the computer for hours, i cant play what ever it is im playing for hours, i cant just sit down and do nothing for hours, well what ever it is, I just cant do it for hours or else my mom will yell at me, pull my hair or something >:\ and if you haven't noticed, i like doing "one" thing for hours or all day if i could (unless i get hungry)
I have dog too, a chihuahua, and i don't like walking him either, but i have too because if i don't no one else will. My mom says if i don't care for him, then she will immediately put him in the pound (it's not that she doesn't like the dog, it's her way of threatening me, and she means it!) I love my dog, he is always there for me when i feel that no one loves me and i wont give him up for any amount of money. Also when my mother is nagging me too much, one way to escape her is to take my dog out on a looong walk (tough love huh?)
I have friends at school sure, life is pretty good in high school actually (just not my grades, i can't concentrate on my homework, and im usually too shy to ask the teacher for anything) I just don't hang out with them as much as any normal person would, (I've been to about 3 sleepovers in my whole life while my sisters been out on many more) Actually, school is were i do all my acting so i could be normal and have friends. This is my life since middle school i guess, not sure

Okay, let me stop rambling, sorry
So, i suggest you look for a hobby for her (something she can do at home), like guitar, karate, knitting, anything. And whatever she's into right now, act like you care. And if you get in an argument or something you shouldn't worry much about it, she still loves you and as long as you're there, she always will

At 12 yrs old I'm sure she's beginning to assert her independence more. The more you push the more she's going to retreat. Try giving her her space and if she isn't hurting anybody or anything, let her be. Sounds like she's gearing up for the teens.

That description matches my daughter (probably NT) more than my AS son, but I can see how the AS overlaps.

The AS is probably what has her putting her life into nice little boxes like "I surf at surf camp." But it is probably more her personality that keeps her in her room sticking to the things she knows she likes, or has already started and doesn't want to interrupt (although issues with transitions are very AS).

And being a teen girl is probably what keeps her from wanting any interruption from mom

What I have noticed is that logic can appeal to both of my kids, and they do remember simple things like, "gee, I really had a great day when we got outside to do x!" My daughter knows intellectually that she is happier if she isn't in the house all day, but sometimes the glue just gets really, really strong. I've found that planning ahead is what helps un-stick the glue best - actually schedule the outside activities at a time she is open to the ideas, and willing to see that "it sounds like fun."

A few weeks ago we planned an outing a few days ahead and my daughter had such a wonderful day - it became a great time to talk about the balance she seems to need in her life, and how to make that happen when the draw of things like her computer can be so strong. With the fresh memory of being happier than she had been in ages, she was really able to see why I was making the suggestions I was making, and she made suggestions back.

My AS son figured it out for himself that he likes to be active outside of the house, but it does all need planning and advance notice. Sometimes he'll be wishy washy on an idea, and we'll try it to "humor mom." Just, if he hasn't done something before, it is hard for him to know if he wants to do it. I do have to be careful with my experiments, however, because he does have very strong needs when out and about, so I have to be careful our day won't run afoul of those.

One thing I don't know about your daughter is how strongly she may or may not have bought into the young teen concept of "never be seen with mom." If she has, you'll need to take that into account when making plans. Maybe go where absolutely none of the kids from her school will ever show up

That sound like me, when I was 12 years old. I used to stay in my room, reading, drawing and listening to music, all day. I say, just let her be.

That was all very helpful to me, all those different comments, thanks everyone. I think the suggestion of yours DW, of planning ahead is a good one, I find the weekends are suddenly upon us and being a spontaneous person myself , (well I think I am one), I dont tend to make plans, but then my ideas of lets do this or that are met with resistance, so planning ahead and giving her prior knowledge seems a good tactic.
It's also fighting against my own up bringing, where if you werent engaged in something active or useful it was commented on, not in a bad way, but you were just encouraged strongly to "do something!"
I really do find it an ongoing challenge to just accept that my daughter is completely different to me, she's her own person, and what makes me happy isnt necessarily going to be what makes her happy.
Also yes, she's not keen to be seen with me, and will walk 5 steps behind or ahead, this morning she said "Mom your trousers were rolled up too high in the supermarket and it looked ridiculous with crocs everyone was noticing!" So I suppose at least I have someone on hand for fashion advice!

Also-
When there is something that needs to be done, but you haven't planned ahead already, is to give her the choice of when to do it:
"We have to walk the dog today, but i'm going to let you decide when"

Or-
Have a blackboard or markerboard or something visual, and magnets (kinetic) for the activities; or draw a chart on the fridge. Let her place the magnets on the chart during breakfast so that she has control over the timing, but you have control over the activities, for the day.

** It is important that whenever you DO propose an activity, you ALSO provide as much data as possible about! the project - especially answering the question:
How Long Is It Going To Be Before We Get Home?
That one difference in presentation might be enough to save 30 minutes of argueing.

Maybe she's old/mature enough to appreciate complete honesty. Have you explained the difficulty and stress of being a single parent? Have you explained that it's better for anybody her/you/anybody to get outside and stimulate the physical body?

My 12yo daughter is very nosey about everything I'm doing and this is sort of annoying, but it also provides an opportunity to set an example,. I'm going for a walk and I'd be happy if you joined me, if not then I'm confident in leaving you here alone ...

Great idea about the visual marker, Oddfiction I will get a board and see how we do. Never thought of that, but I can see how having the stuff up there might help. And Alien Papa yes I've never particularly discussed the stresses of single parenthood with her, or remarked on it much, just kind of got on with it, but thats another approach that may help. I suppose I've never wanted her to feel that we are any worse off than in a two parent family but the reality is that certain things are tougher, (while others easier, like decision making, ) but perhaps she is old enough to appreciate this.

This morning as we drove to school I was trying to remind her how quite often she had said no to proposed activities and then when we did them anyway (me insisting) she quite often enjoyed them. Not always however, but I 'm getting to know which are non starters, (like drama class, suggestion of my mothers).