Just watched some old tapes of my son - what happened?

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I've been transferring VHS tapes to DVDS taken of my son from birth until now (age 13) and have watched many of them with tears of joy, bewilderment, loss, confusion.. what happened? He was diagnosed at 9 with AS but the videos show a kid who was so smart, curious, funny and "NORMAL" he looked at us when he spoke, had conversations with us (back and forth), showed us things (they always say in the lists "fails to show others objects of interests or something like that" he's performing in preschool and kindergarten productions like he was headed for Broadway.

Of course he is still "NORMAL" I know that but I'm almost obsessed with finding some clues on the tape - when did he start being so different from other kids that we had to pull him out of ps after 3rd grade? what was so repulsive about him that made kids just not want to be with him? I know he has quirks and I have the bias of someone with unconditional love for him, but darn it seems like "they" are wrong about him. They're just wrong - I hate that he's considered "weird" I hate that he's considered "different" - he's not - he just is. He's just a human being like the other 7 billion people on the planet.

Thanks for letting me ramble - I had to verbalize this somehow...my husband would never get it - probably because he's a suspected Aspie too
Jane

that is exactly how i was! i was outgoing but spacey and always had at least a few friends but i still was atypical and i liked attention a lot now im mellow still somewhat outgoing but not as "different"

Ok, mom. Pull in the reins.
Has any of that behavior from the tapes changed ? Has he become more melancholy? Withdrawn? Not every child shows every symptom of ASD so eye contact can be just one of those things he lucked out on. Has he stopped doing it (around you)?

If he's changed considerably in his interactions with you, that's a whole other story.

Now take a look at your post.
Did the other kids draw away from him, or is that just how you perceived it?
Is it possible he drew away from them??

Try this: Ask him
Are you upset when the other kids don't play with you?
(The answer will likely be yes).

Now ask him
Do you need to play with them in order to be a happy boy?
(Use that exact wording. It's a very precise question)

He should think about this a little bit.. and will probably answer something like
' I would be happier if they played with me, but i don't need them to '
or he may simplify and answer 'no'.

If he answers no to this question, then being by himself is a natural state for him and not something too be too concerned about.

If he answers that he needs them to be happy then we have another situation on our hands (not neccessarily a bad one - I'm talking a different one)

I'm making a few assumptions here because I don't have all the details I need to understand your situation. Making aassumptions is hard work and scary to boot, but you seem like you need an answer pretty badly. Keep talking to us about him, we'll help you sort it all out with time (and you have all the time in the world! Trust me!)

Ask him those questions, post here the results, and let's see where it all goes from there.

This is very interesting to me. I would feel the same way. I do feel the same way sometimes. The way I see it is that the symptoms are much more clear as the child gets older because the expectations are much higher. When they are little their 'deficits' are cute and quirky, when they get older they are actual deficits. If you want to get to the bottom of it, maybe try having a 3rd person view the tapes and tell you what they see. But also remember that the tapes are only moments in time - I don't know how many hours you have on tape but they are a very small fraction of his life that you are remembering and viewing.

Thanks for the concern but I guess my post and question within were really rhetorical in nature. I don't need to "pull in the reins" I'm OK.......I was simply watching tapes of my now 13 year old son when he was very, very young and remembering him back pre -AS.

Yes, in fact -kids did pull away from him -ignored him- didn't include him- as a mother I didn't see IT (whatever the kids saw- I believe kids just know who the different ones are) and at that age saw a beautiful kid - still do. He's OK, he's very intelligent, funny, capable and he can take or leave social interaction - needs it in little doses and surrounding his particular interests. I

There is no answer to my question - it was seeing my son as a "normal" kids and to be very honest probably feeling a little bit of "OH God I wished he had stayed normal" That may be offensive or incomprehensible to some but it's honest.

I'm won't be watching any more tapes for awhile

Jane :

Apparently it was quite obvious to many people that my son had autism when he was young. I didn't see it. I saw him as he was, for who he was and I loved him. I accepted him just the way he was. I didn't see 'odd behaviors', I saw 'oh, he doesn't like that'. What makes me sad is he used to seem happy to me. Now he is not happy and struggling a lot. I wish he could be care free like when he was little. That makes me sad.

you may not have meant this as literally as i am interpreting it, but in how i view autism, THERE WAS NO BEFORE TIME =) for my son, who also has an autistic father, it was always there. it may not have had a name or diagnostic label, but it was there.

sometimes my mind visualizes it like a shark, circling underneath, waiting for the moment when it will jump up and take a bite and we see it clearly. other days it remains mostly hidden. thats not to say i have a negative view of autism, thats just the image my mind gets.

like autism is a spectrum disorder, i generally see my sons life (and my SO's too if i get right down to it) as a spectrum. a continuum, ebb and flow. some days he is "more autistic", some days less. its not really that he is more or less autistic on those days, the autism just shows more or less.

you know, i never liked the word normal, even as a child myself long before i had a diagnostically not normal son. i prefer typical because the opposite is atypical and does not carry as much the negative connotation that abnormal does.

I think the issue is less, "what changed" than that in many things our kids don't change enough.

All little boys fidget and grab and make funny facial movements, but most stop that as they mature and learn to put their energy into sports, etc. But out boys ... they still need to fidget and grab and make funny facial movements just to keep a sense of where they are in the world and calm their minds.

All toddlers are woefully lacking in social skills, but most learn through time practice and observation how to behave in a way that garners them smiles and support from those around them. But our kids can't figure out the social code at anything nearing the pace with which it changes, so they're still talking at the wrong times, and so on.

All toddlers forget to say thank you, but learn to repeat the phrase at the right times. Our kids ... still don't get it, and may even be arguing about why its a lie to say "thank you" at certain times.

And ... so on.

But, then again, your average child hasn't invented a really fun card game by the time he is 10, or learned to program a computer game by the time he is 12.

I bet your son would still be happy to be on stage performing if he hadn't had time to learn that he isn't the glowing apple of everyone's eye he might have once thought he was. My son still loves the stage, he just doesn't do it because he doesn't have the social support, and he doesn't see himself as so brilliantly talented that he wants to fight that; much more fun and easy to go work on some computer programming, or meet up with a friendly acquaintance for a game of Warhammer.

Side note - my son is now back "in" with the friend who had ousted him last year. I'm wary, but my son is just so delighted to have a Warhammer partner again that outside of telling him he can't go there more than once a week, I'm keeping my mouth shut.

I am now resigned, btw, to think of his 'friends" as "friendly acquaintances," instead. It seems more honest. There are kids who will go the extra mile for my son, in the way a true friend will, but he doesn't actually hang out with these kids, so it's almost like they are protectors instead of friends. The kids he actually does things with are socially fragile themselves, so that underlying loyalty isn't there, in what should be his "friends." Weird, how the loyalty and the activity are so totally split up in his social world right now.

That is the hard part, when dealing with the world takes them down, bit by bit.

For the record, that isn't really an AS thing, although having AS obviously makes it more likely the child will get knocked down. My NT daughter is the one I see really spiraling into very sad periods. It's her nature, to depress easily. My AS can take quite a lot - he HAS taken quite a lot, and the toll certainly is showing; but it really is with my daughter that I see the falls pile up and really do damage.

My husband and I always knew that something was up with our son. He was just different. And he still is. And he always will be.

No one thought anything was wrong with me, my parents just thought I had trouble making friends. And that was and still is true, but there's a whole domino process involved in the "why I can't cope with most people" thing. I've tried for years to explain it to people, and I'm usually dismissed as an eccentric. And I am, but much of it has to do with my wiring.

Don't torture yourself looking for signs you may have missed. They may be very subtle. I didn't have any trouble with eye contact and never shut up. I learned very early what I could and couldn't do in front of people. The majority of my obvious issues had to do with getting along with people. It's not that I didn't have any other issues, they weren't as noticeable because I compensated other ways.

My mom still has difficulty coping with my AS, so we really don't talk about it. I'm learning to embrace it for my sake and the sake of my son. I think it's easier for me in some ways because it's something he and I have in common.

well...part of my angst in viewing the tapes was this was not true in my case - my son seemed "typical" for quite awhile and then slowly there are people shunning my son, actively not liking my son, school didn't work for him,- this messes with your view of how the world "should be" and I loved him so damn much (still do) I would do almost anything for him not to have to go through being different in a world thate does not easily accept deviations from the norm (or typical).

It's just hard to verbalize what I'm feeling about this but it's all good and just part of the roller coaster of the living with someone on the spectrum. Throw into the mix that I'm pretty sure my husband is somewhere on the spectrum and trying to make peace with and live with that for the rest of our married life.

cn. You're going to need to reread your posts in this thread carefully, and notice the following things that it seems (and I truely hope you are not) you are saying.

Your words imply that you think or feel that your son "got" or "caught" the spectrum as he got older by using phrases such as
- remembering him back pre -AS
- I wished he had stayed normal
- this was not true in my case
- seemed "typical"

Your whole attitude here seems to imply that you consider the spectrum to have "claimed your son" and taken away the boy you knew. IT DIDNT and you REALLY need to stop thinking about it like that. For your own good, but more importantly for the good of your son.

If he's on the ASD he's always been on it. Sure he encountered social issues with others, and sure he's going to havee a few stumbling blocks in life, but he's still the kid you knew, and he's not going to 'miss out on life' as much as you obviously fear he will. I'm going to take a wild leap and guess that you are an extrovert personality. Could not see yourself as being without a social circle. That's fine - that's what works for you. My sister is exactly the same way and worries about me all the time since I still live in [town] and have no family within a 20 hour drive and only one friend. I'm 'attacking' your perceptions here because they are near identical to her's - she seems to think I'm miserable because of my solitude.. It's extremely difficult for some reason for extroverts to see this, but I have a full life thru my interests.

Screw that whole social butterfly crap... I don't understand that - in fact I often think "Wow how can anyone tire themselves out so much everyday, to have thirty friends to consider?"

Having that many friends would be as tiring to me as trying to juggle 30 bill collectors with only half the required funds available. Imagine that! Squirming yet? That's how you are coming off in regards to your son's condition - as if he were buried in hell.

Take a second. Breathe. And realize that YOU are probably having more problems with this than he is (it's very obvious from your posts) and you REALLY (for his good) need to think about how you are voicing (voice is a reflection of thought patterns) yourself.

The important thing is that your son and your husband are no different than they were before. Your husband is still the same man you fell in love with. They're the same people, and assigning a label to them just provides a framework to understand them by for you and themselves.

Most of my family doesn't know about my diagnosis because it's not terribly important for them to know, it's important for me to know and a few people close to me who help me day to day.

Oddfiction: Thanks for your passionate reply but like I said before it's hard to express my feelings about this and probably don't do a good job of it. You read into a few posts things I didn't intend. I can't possibly defend everything nor do I need to- but I will try to clarify some things. I can't blame you but you don't know my whole story so please don't tell me to stop feeling or thinking anything.

Fact: I love my son and I believe I said somewhere that I would lay down my life for him.
Fact: I don't know if you are a parent but if and when you become one seeing your child in pain, in distress, bullied, shunned, will rip your insides out. For that reason yes I wish he didn't have Aspergers and stayed "normal"
Fact: He has Aspergers and we only found out 4 years ago- the acceptance of that fact is a process and I'm moving along in the process- that's why I come here and stupidly write probably incoherent (except to me) posts..to make sense of it all.
Fact: I don't believe I ever said I thought he would live a miserable life and I know he is a great kid and believe he will find his place in this world.

It's pretty dangerous and reckless to ever assume anything - both of these assumptions are wrong

Fact: My son is 13 -I don't know how old you are...you have found your way in life and are content - that's awesome- is it wrong for me, as a parent, to worry that my son will be as lucky? I think it's my job to worry a little and to help him a lot

not at all - In fact I've taken an online test (for whatever it's worth) and it determined that I have 1/2 NT traits and 1/2 Aspie traits.

I can't say anymore about this so I'll end it here -thanks again for taking the time to reply

i think what OddFiction and i were both trying to convey is that your son hasnt changed. he wasnt "normal" and then became autistic. he is the exact same child he was 4, 8, even 12 years ago. he cant stay "normal" if he never was "normal". (man i hate that word)

the changes that you see are simply him growing into the boy/man he was always going to be. granted, his reactions to the world and its to him may change over time. but the child himself is still the same.

being a parent is a whole lot of what-ifs. but this what-if is a never-was. yes, accepting the diagnosis is a process, like you state. and its ok to sometimes not like that diganosis even years or decades down the road. we parents worry, we second guess, its what we do. i would hate to see anyone torment themselves or pine away for something that never existed in the first place. thats just a whole lot of stress that you dont need. and its perfectly ok to use this place as a sounding board =) a place to reflect or try to gather your thoughts. this is one of the few places you can go to find others who are experiencing similar things.

and i understand what you mean when you talk about making peace with who your husband is. having a child on the spectrum is one thing, having a spouse on the spectrum is a completely different animal. with kids, you go into it never knowing what you are going to get. when you go into a partnership thinking you are getting one thing, and you end up getting another, even tho you love that person, it can be hard to come to grips with facing 60 years of getting something you didnt bargain for. im sure that sounds very critical and downright horrible to some, but its reality. thats a part of all partnerships of course, its just that the autism whammy stick is a bit heavier than the male pattern baldness one, if you understand what i mean.

please know that I am not pining away for what never existed- I simply asked a rhetorical question which got misunderstood by some.

I know my son has Aspergers, I know he will struggle and I know he will have successes just like all of us - I know NOW that he never was "typical".. I didn't know that when he was 1, 2,3 and on up until age 9! I didn't know it what it was! and it can be a difficult process to know that your son is something other than typical and doing a 360 shift with the only mindset you have ever been prepared for (having a typical child) is not easy.

Thanks for the reply