Playdate today

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What are you NOT supposed to talk about during a playdate?

I have a lot of trouble keeping mommy friends. They always say they're going to call but never do. This one called me back. I'm really not sure why... I thought I made her feel stupid and like a bad mother.

See, with playdates, my possible ASD children are never the problem. It's me. I'm awkward, say weird things, and can't hold a conversation. I don't want to run off the one person that actually called back... :-\

I've always felt like I deprived my kids of play dates by not being the perfect mom friend ... but, seriously, what can we do about it? While I've had tons of people tell me they like me, I'm such a salt of the earth type, and yada yada yada, there have also been the few open enough to tell me that as much as they like me, I'm hard to "connect" to. Well, you know, I am; that is just me, and at my age I've got to live with that being who I am.

So ... this isn't a show or an interview. You want the other parent to be comfortable with you, but you don't need to impress her. If the kids seem to be bonding well, and she doesn't dislike you, she is likely to pursue the relationship. Just remember that all parents with little kids get flaky about pursuing all the relationships for their kids that they intend to - I think 1 in 10 is about the right stat, there. While it is tempting to assume those who want to pursue a relationship will call you, you do have to remember to make your fair share of the calls, as well, least they feel they are carrying the full burden.

Talk about school, husbands, houses, and all the safe things. If the play date is at her house, you can ask about hobbies or interests that might become apparent from her furnishings or pictures (oh, who plays the piano?! I've always wished I could!). Don't discuss politics, go too far into detail in areas that interest you but are not likely to interest them, and don't divulge all your parenting philosophies on the first "date." It is fine to note religion, ("we're Baptist so he learned that in Sunday school") but don't delve very deep into it; keep it matter of fact relating to other things discussed.

Maybe bring over organic snacks (safe, non-allergy foods) to share (parents who don't care about organic don't mind eating it, but parents who care will get upset eating anything else).

We were planning to walk down to a restaurant near my house and having lunch, then walking to the park that's just a block away from me.

It seems a bit cold for that, now, though. Hrm...

So I gotta do some of the calling, too? I've never been good at that. I hate the phone. Plus, I'm usually the less busy of the two. Take for instance the mother that's coming today. She's busy most days helping to care for her Aunt? that's sick. I left the contacting up to her because I'm always free. She's not. IDK... perhaps I should get her number today.

It'll be hard for me to reach out for companionship. It's just not something I've ever even had the urge to do. lol

Thanks.

Lol, yes, you have to do some of the calling, too. Given that I started losing my hearing just after my first child was born, I totally cannot stand the telephone, but sometimes it must be used. The best way around it is to make the next play date during the first.

Or ... join a mother's club that has a set meeting time. I think that was my life savior when my son was an infant and toddler. I lucked into a group of women that bonded really well, and because I was part of the meeting at which they all met, I got to go along for the ride.

I get to hear from my daughter all the time about how she wishes I was better at making play dates ... I feel like I exhausted all I had for it with my AS son, for whom I went the extra mile because it seemed so necessary (he is drawn to social situations like a fly to fire, with equally dangerous results). By the time they reach middle school we are totally removed from the process, so in that sense it will eventually get easier. But, before that, to the extent your child seems interested, yes, you are obligated to put out an effort for them.

Well, she just called and informed me that she woke up in severe pain and has to see her chiropractor. She'll call back to reschedule later.

Don't forget to offer, "if there is anything I can do for you, if you are having trouble lifting, etc., let me know."

I would, but I can't. I don't drive, and she lives too far to walk. The best I can offer is to let her rest when she does come over.

As far as I know, I guess I am basically NT but I share your feelings about connecting with other moms. For a while I kept trying and trying and I just never felt comfortable with any of the women I met. Conversations seemed awkward, setting up times to get together was difficult and never seemed to happen if I didn't take the initiative (I also HATE the phone). After our 2nd son was born, I guess I gave up for a while - he is my ASD kiddo so he really seemed to absorb more time anyway so it was easy to let that effort of reaching out to other people slide. Now that my boys are 7 & 4, I have finally found a few moms that I do connect with and feel comfortable with. These are gals that I have met through volunteering at school and one who has 2 boys the same ages as my 2 boys, the older boys are in the same class for the 2nd year now. I would agree with DW that probably about 1 in 10 of the relationships I have tried to start have been successful. Trust that there are other moms out there that you will click with and when that happens it won't seem so difficult and awkward!

I have a lot of trouble with other Moms, too - and the phone. I often escape by communicating via Facebook or email whenever possible; I don't know if that's an option.

I don't really have any other advice other than to commiserate - particularly with women, I find people shying away from me and I don't know what I did or said to offend them.

Hi TeaEarl-

Please try not to take these things personally. I am a very social person, and have never had trouble making and keeping friends. But the playdate thing has been a whole 'nother ballgame! They have not worked for us! I have made so many attempts, by phone, email, etc... It just seems that when other moms have more than one kid, it is almost impossible to get together because of scheduling and distance, etc... I feel like I have given up on playdates, but I still keep taking my son out to places just to have some social interaction. It is hard too because my son could really care less about having friends at this point (5 yrs old) It is very hard for me and has taken it's toll on me. But, I keep on trying for the sake of my son. I am hoping that when the time is right, maybe we will meet at least one other child that my son is interested in!

This is exactly me. Especially being left wondering what I said or did to offend them. It's just always been this way for me. I was okay with it until I had kids. I know they want friends, and they need to learn to play with other children. ugh...

I tried the park, but most of the parents avoid me there. Especially the moms.

I completely relate to this. It is so hard.

I have no advice because I haven't figured it out myself. It does get easier as the kids get older. At ten years old my boys can call and invite a friend over when they wish, and I don't have to deal with the other parents too much other than being polite and presentable for short periods of time.

When they were little I tried so hard, because I wanted them to have the best possible chance of making friends. I spent time volunteering at the school, and tried to make polite chitty chat with the other moms there. We ended up with several moms who were comfortable dropping their kids off at our house for playdates. Mostly I did the calling, inviting and arranging. There was the occasional invite back. I had to work through huge anxiety at every step of the way (especially over phone calls!). I just kept pushing myself because I thought it would help my sons.

I don't know. The whole making friends process is excruciating, and I so very rarely meet any other mom that I have anything in common with at all. Mostly it ends up being me pretending to be interested in shopping or clothes or Oprah or the gym or some other painfully mind-numbing thing. It's just not rewarding in any way. And I guess my boredom and discomfort probably comes through in a million subtle ways that turn the other person off no matter how hard I am trying to be all politely attentive. Or I just say something plain old fashioned stupid, or realize 10 minutes after they've left what they were driving at in the conversation and what I should have said in return, or forget to ask them any questions about themselves (I hate being asked personal questions so often forget that other people seem to like it)...so yeah... I guess, it's no big mystery why I am not a smashing social success.

It is nice to know I am not the only one though.

I never ask personal questions. People like that? Weird... :-\

Annotated alice made a good point, though - DH and I both struggle socially, but we are active in the PTA. I find that people are more accepting of "weirdness" - or whatever - if they can see what you can offer. I was tickled to see Temple Grandin offering this advice here: http://www.wrongplanet.net/article295.html

The mom's group, playgroup was really helpful when DS was small. I don't use it anymore for socialization BUT it has been invaluable as DS has had trouble at school. Because I had spent time with the other moms and had volunteered at school, I got supported when DS started having violent meltdowns at school.

I am positive that had the other moms and teachers not known that we were a good family, Ds would have been treated less kindly.

OH - and I am not the type to find my real friends through the kids. It is nice to know the other families in a community - but these aren't the people that I let "in".

As DS#1 has gotten older and is involved with HS marching band, I am quite involved and find I like these parents more than when the kids were little. I think it's because by the time it is HS activities, the families drawn to the same activities, and are more likely to be similar.

Perhaps I should consider this once they're in school, then. I never really saw myself as a PTA kind of mom, but who knows? I might end up liking it. lol