I lost it and feeling very distraught!

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I am writing this with a very heavy heart, and am even ashamed to post this. But, I have no one to talk to, and I have to get this off of my chest. I am in tears as I write this. As some of you may know, we have been struggling with my son hitting me for about 4 (almost 5 mos.) I have tried everything to make him realize that this is hurtful and unacceptable. Nothing has worked. He just cannot control his anger at times, so he takes it out on me. I am not talking about little hits at my body, I am talking about full whacks across the face.

Well this morning, I got him up for school, and told him to go use the bathroom. He seemed grumpy, and then he turned around and said "My teeth, what is wrong with my teeth?" I said I don't know honey, let mom see, and then he just whacked me in the face. I grabbed his hands and said "NO, firmly, and said we DO NOT HIT MOM IN THE FACE!" Then he started swinging at me, and then hauled off and hit me again harder in the face. Well, I just lost it, and as a total reaction, I hit him back in the face. Trust me, I know hitting is not right, but it was just a reaction.

I feel SO horrible. I just don't understand. I have nothing but love in my heart for this little boy, and I feel like the worst mom in the world. I am not abusive toward him and our home is a very peaceful environment. He has no siblings, so he does not have that stress to deal with. He seems to enjoy going to school. He has not been aggressive toward anyone at school ever.

Well, I am now trying to find a child psychologist to see what we can do. I am afraid that this is just going to continue, and right now he is only 5. What is going to happen when he gets older?

Whatever anyone wants to say is fine, because I am not looking for anyone to tell me that what I did was right, I just have to have someone to share this with. My husband had gone to work early this morning, and he was not here. I am afraid to tell him what happened, because he will be very upset.

I was able to get my son calmed down, and he did go to school 2 hours late.

I'm tearing up reading your post because I have been there too. You are a human and humans have reactions. While hitting should never be acceptable, you had a human reaction and you have to forgive yourself for that.

I just wanted to say that 4 months ago we were having this problem-her hitting me and herself when she was "ramping" up. I was desperate to stop it. I consulted therapists, contemplated anti-psychotic meds, and felt we were headed for Bipolar dx. I wanted to mention that because we are better now. We went from one to two meltdowns a day to once per week now. I simply tell you this to show that it can change and it can get better. Do not give up searching for what works and forgive yourself. No one should be battered not even by their own child. I hope you find something that works soon.

i think most parents have at one time or another done something that was either instinctual or reactionary that we didnt really intend to do and wouldnt have done if we were in a normal frame of mind. i know i have had a few of those moments myself, raising 3 boys isnt all sunshine and lollipops, so i am not going to condemn someone else for simply being human. i also think that this has been going on for you for a very long time and you have shown incredible patience, patience i myself would have lost a long time ago.

i am really interested in his reaction, tho. how did he react? what did he say or do? did he continue to try and hit you?

i think this could also be an incredible teachable moment for you. while you arent involved in the situation now, maybe after school when you are both calm you could sit down with him and talk about how it made him feel to be hit, the emotions it invoked, the pain or fear, etc. make sure he understands thats how YOU feel when HE hits YOU.

ive never subscribed to the "tit for tat" teaching method, where you bite a child back in response to them biting, etc. but some people do it, it does work with some children, and you are in the position where the tit for tat already happened, so you may as well see if you can use it to teach him something.

We're all human and we've all been there. azurecrayon makes some good points. It's a teachable moment and a learnable moment for both of you.

Thanks for the responses----Mama to Grace, so far we have not approached the idea of meds or anything with him because overall his behavior is good---He goes willingly to school everyday, and when I pick him up, they say he has had a good day. So I am trying to figure out where the stress is coming from for him. Thanks for the encouragement---Most of the time, I am learning to recognize when he is getting ramped up, and I start to try to get out of his path. But this morning, it came out of the blue!

AzureCrayon, sadly enough even after I hit him, I did give him a real hard hug and told him that I was very sorry that I hit him, but that he had hurt mom with his hits. He then continued to try to kick at me, and even tried to pinch me then. I took him to his room to calm down, and then tried to talk to him about it. I asked him how it felt to be hit, and he said loudly, "IT HURT", but I still do not think he has gotten it, because he did try to raise his arm again later, and I grabbed it before he could hit.

We all have moments as parents we wish we could take back, however, I think this could be a great teaching moment too.

After school when you are both calm, talk about what happened. Talk about how it made you feel horrible and that you didn't like what you did. But also ask how it felt to him to be hit and for mom to get so mad and maybe get it around to how it feels when he hits and loses control over himself.

Maybe, he just needs to get the aggression out. Maybe get a punching bag so he can pummel it when he feels all frustrated and pent up inside. Maybe now, he strikes at you because you are the only thing 'safe' he can do that with?

I'm sorry, but learn from it, forgive yourself and move on.

I've had a parent lose it and hit me before, only I wasn't hitting anybody but probably stressing them out because I had woke them up in the night from being scared. I didn't get an apology or explanation of why they did it, other than I assume I cause them a lot of stress enough for that to happen so I can't really blame them.

I think intentions are important. From your post you just reacted, and it wasn't with any bad intention to hurt him.

As for why he hit you, were you at "his level"? If you were looking at his teeth you probably were, and perhaps it was from having a face so close to this. I don't know your son but this would be uncomfortable for me. That's the only insight I can offer for that... I've never really hit people but have often hit objects and things. I do pretend-play hit my parents though, and I've actually heard of other aspies doing this as some odd way of showing affection. I doubt this is related, however.

Parent is not synonymous with perfect. We've all done things we're not proud of. It will be ok. It is most likely just a phase. If the behavior doesn't happen outside of the home, then he knows it is wrong and this is good! This may sound backwards, but it might be the case that he trusts you and your love so much that he feels he can take advantage of it. Thinking back to child psych class (way back), I remember learning that when a child only misbehaves at home, that this is a good sign of "normal" development. They have a clear understanding of boundaries out in the world, but also have learned that their parents love is unconditional, so naturally, they test the boundaries at home.

Stay firm, take deep breaths, and keep laying the love on thick. This too will pass.

My heart goes out to you. First thing in the morning, being hit repeatedly in the face, it would take a herculean effort not to respond instinctively by hitting back. I can only imagine how awful you must feel. All parents make mistakes, even the very good ones (which judging by all your posts I have read, you seem very much to be). Maybe this can be turned into an important teachable moment for your son...that everyone makes mistakes, that even parents say they are sorry and that being hit is a terrible experience that no one should have to go through, including mom.

Oops, I missed azurecrayon saying this same thing and your response. Hopefully the psychologist will have some good suggestions for you.

Thanks everyone----I had put off bringing a psychologist into this, but I think it has been going on long enough now, so I am hoping to find one that will take our insurance. I am going to talk to my son today, and use some of the things that everyone has suggested. I know that he does love me very much. I guess it is just hard to take that your own child is lashing out at you. But, I know he has impulse control issues.

Number5, maybe what you are saying is true.....

Buryuntime----sorry that you got hit as a child, with no apology. I think my son is okay with me being in his face, I think maybe some of the time it is easy for him to hit in the face if I am on his level. I think I am going to try to stay out of his face if possible!! ! He mainly hits if he is not getting his way, or if he is being forced to do something he doesn't want to do!

i think buryuntime has a really interesting question there on whether you were on "his level". and does he usually hit you in the face or is it all over?

i have to protect myself physically from my 4 yr old sometimes, mainly because he flops around a lot and i dont want to get elbowed in the eye or kneed in the groin. i dont let him play with pokey objects because of his propensity to not know where his body, and hence the object, is in space. so i tend not to get down onto his level mainly as a precaution, and when he does get really close i instinctly put my arms and hands in front of my body.

i have also been punched in the face by my SO he usually startles when you wake him up, and if there is a face too close to him, he instinctively lashes out. i once accidentally woke him up and was too close and WHAM. hit in the face =)

As unfortunate and scary a moment, you did NOTHING wrong. Granted, in any other scenario rather than the heat of THAT moment, you would have done differently. I didnt have an issue with hitting people unless they hit me(as in fighting), so I cant really give any advice there. But as an adult on the spectrum, I cant say you were wrong or without a level of stress that would DEFINITELY cause a lapse in judgement. You're only human...

Hopefully though, he may get the message now... Pain has a funny way of teaching us how not to act

I am so, so sorry. We've been there, too. (hug) We have a family policy - ANY one who messes up apologizes, states specifically what they did wrong, and makes amends.

This year, so far, my son has had no violent incidents (we've had a couple close calls and we haven't got through Halloween yet) - but I can tell you as a mother who's been trapped in the bathroom by her violent 4 year old as I struggled to figure out what to do - having a violent child is VERY HARD on a parent. Even harder when you never know exactly what will set him off or whether he can be talked down.

Last year, we had a discussion about what we would do once he was big enough to really hurt me. This is more difficult for us because my husband is an EMT in our town, and if I called for an emergency involuntary committal it would be his co-workers responding.

ARRRGH - Been there, done that and did talk to the psychologist about it! I don't remember what caused me to draw close, but Ds was upset and I was trying to calmly talk him through it. He kept escalating and I kept telling him it would pass. He finally grabbed me by the throat - hard. I smacked him right across the face. Left a hand print.

Here was/is my deal..... I have found (and was told by the psych) that it is totally normal to protect yourself. We as humans were built that way. It is instinct and we were literally programmed to react as you did.

What that means is we have to have a plan thought through and reeady to act on so you will have an available action when you have no time to think. For us, my DS has admitted that he will keep going until restrained, so I don't even wait - he gives any indication of violence and I restrain him. That goes against many people's grain - but DS says that if he is worked up enough to hit or distroy property he will just escalate until I stop him.

The neuropsych and OT believe that is is a deep pressure sensory need.

I couldn't possibly know what your plan should be, but I think that you need to make a plan that is consistant and works for your family.

((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))

I don't know if you did this or not, but when I lost it when the kids were younger, I always issued myself a consequence, right along with the kids. It seemed to help them to know mommy could make a mistake, and also take responsibility for it. So ... make sure your son SEES that you have a price to pay, too.

The most useful sentences a professor ever said in my education program (and I have an MS in education) was this:

Obviously, in this situation, you are right to be upset, but the important things are that you recognize that what you did was not okay, and that you are going to get the help you need. Your son's behavior is extremely difficult, and no one would be able to respond the way you want to in every instance. You will have many, chances to get things right when he gets out of control. You'll even have lots of chances to merely get things less wrong.

The only reason to be hard on yourself would be if you do not do the things you need to do to keep your child safe and yourself sane. Remember that your son needs you to forgive yourself, so that you will not be carrying around an unnecessary burden that saps your energy.