Your Child is Awful!

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This past Friday, my boyfriend and I decided that we were in dire need of a date and planned on going to dinner and a movie. I had found what I thought to be a well qualified care taker for my son on a Care Giving site that provides background checks and reference on its caregivers. Well, the particular person I found was extremely excited and willing to watch my son, and said it was no problem that he has PDD-NOS as she has experience with "special needs children". About a month ago, she watched Nathan for the first time. I sent her a text after about an hour and a half to check on him. She replied by telling me that he is very defiant and had used a bad word. I apologized and told her that he says "No" to just about everything and that he doesn't necessarily mean it (I refer to it as his Default answer). In regards to the bad word, all I could tell her is that he repeats everything and probably heard it from something on TV or from his uncles or grandpa (who refuse to modify their language even for children). Later in the evening, she texted me and told me he had thrown a toy (what kid, regardless of whether they have a developmental disability, hasn't thrown a toy in their life). Once again, I just told her sorry, because what else is there to say. I figure a 25 year old woman who claims to have been babysitting regularly for the last 10 years would understand that no child is behaved perfectly 100% of the time. Anyway, she agreed to watch him this past weekend and everything blew up.

My boyfriend and I has just finished dinner and were watching a movie at the theater, About 20 minutes in, I get a call from the babysitter telling me that she can't handle my son and I needed to get him right then. She said that he threw a toy and had scratched her hand, and that she couldn't have that going on since she has a baby. First off, I was angry and upset that the rare time I get to go on a date everything was messed up. Then I was upset that my boyfriend just shelled out $20.00 for a movie we didn't even get to watch. But then, my frustration switched toward the babysitter who felt it necessary to send me text after text while I’m driving to get my son, telling me just how awful he is and giving a play by play of everything he did that she didn't like. Basically, she made my son out to be the worst kid she has ever watched in 10 years. And to add to it all, she still expected me to pay her! It was a complete disaster. Not only was I disappointed about date night being ruined, but I was furious to the point of crying after I listened to this girl verbally bash my four year old over and over until I picked him up. It was absolutely terrible.

I personally cannot believe my son acted as the unholy terror she claimed. In all actuality, I always refer to my son as being quiet and well mannered. Aside from the difficulties common with autism, I think Nathan is a pretty easy kid. This whole experience was awful and it has been bothering me for the last several days. I wanted to share with people that might understand or have dealt with a similar situation. Have any of you parents/caregivers ever had to deal with someone bashing your parenting skills or verbally attacking your on-the-spectrum child?

As usual, thanks for listening.

It's pretty obvious that this baby sitter has NEVER worked with children on the spectrum. It's tough but you need to really sit down one on one with prospective sitters with a list of questions for them. You can gauge by their answers how well versed the person is w/disabilities and their knowledge of how to manage it. Then you can determine how comfortable you are with said sitter.

Our first time hiring a sitter, my husband and I did just that. We have 3 w/disabilities. We had a list of questions and we interviewed a few people. Found one we like but did a trail run, agreed by our sitter. It was for her to be w/my kids while I was at home. Then for only 30 mins-1 hour while husband and I were gone. Then we increased to 3 hours. It was wonderful. The kids loved her. She had to go back to college so we don't use her anymore but think of her fondly.

Please note, some of our questions were as simple as "do you like to chew gum?" or "how many kids you have" (some had them and we knew and some didn't which we also knew ahead of time). Their answers to those questions helped us gauge the validity of their answers on other more important questions. If I asked if they worked with autistic kids before and they seemed to be "searching" or "stalling" for the answer then I knew that they did not fit our needs.

It is extremely obvious she lied about her babysitting experience. Any of the behavior described would have been experienced by her in the past if she actually had 10 years experience. I hope that you file a complaint w/ the care company or site you used and give her a bad review. That is ridiculous and irresponsible of her. I hope you don't take what she did and her comments to heart because I suspect she just has zero experience in baby sitting.

Ditto to that statement! I would have done what you did and paid her but take a step farther. Contact the caregiver company and file a complaint and ask for your money back (if you feel you need to) through the company. Getting that wacko out of your house was better than having her argue w/you about payment.

+1!

I'm an aspie, and I"ll tell you from experience that it is possible your son did do some things he wouldn't usually do - because when incompetent people do everything possible to shove us off balance, well, we react... That doesn't make him "bad" or anything else, or you either. It makes him human. And since you don't provoke those reactions, well, that says something positive to me about your parenting skills.

Uh throwing a toy, so what. All kids do that. I wouldn't have made a fuss about it.

And scratching her hand, that also doesn't sound bad.

She sounds like a bad babysitter and doesn't know how to watch kids. No experience whatsoever.

My NT nepphews throw their toys out of anger and frustration all the time and they loose that toy for the rest of the day. You should file a complaint against that babysitter. I bet her expirence with babysitting is probably just with newborns and infants or she is lying.

I know plenty of NT children that behave waaaaaay worse than that. Sounds like she was fibbin' about her credentials. I'm in agreement with everyone else, submit a complaint and (hopefully) she'll get canned. :/

This would be why I never left my kids with a babysitter. I did not trust my son with someone did not know him. Yes, I had childcare and yes I had a couple of options for sitters ... but these were people we invested a lot of time in, before we ever headed out the door.

Well, that was after I learned when he was an infant how "difficult" he was. He sent multiple potential nannies out the door crying before the end of their first trial day. And was rejected by in-home daycare. You know, he wanted to be with mommy, and he had no trouble making that abundantly clear, even as a 4 month old. Nothing horrible about it; just a child using the only communication tools he had.

So, I learned. I learned to choose more carefully, and I learned to invest in relationships. I learned to see how potential caregivers reacted to him, and him to them, before ever closing a deal. There is nothing easy about it, but it is not your fault, or your child's fault. It just "is." When you find those special caregivers, pay them well and treat them like gold.

NathansMommy

I am so sorry you had to endure this. I know for me it is so hard to even think about making all the arrangements to have a night out, then to have it get trashed this way is sooooo disappointing. Her texting after the initial call was absolutely over the top. You were on your way, why did she feel the need to keep berating you.

Don't let this bad experience keep you from trying again. I think its important for us to have some time, we need to recharge our batteries too! I am lucky to be able to rely on staff members from DS's preschool for some babysitting. THey know him and he knows them so it works out. Maybe if there is an autism support group or a child development center, they could give you some references for people who have actually worked with special needs kids. I can only imagine that the sp needs kids this gal may have worked with in the past were Downs Syndrome or other such conditions that ususally result in fairly compliant and docile children.

I wonder if anyone with kids on the spectrum has approached the schools SPED aides? (Not the teachers, the classroom aides) I get the idea that the ones at our school are radically underpaid and probably might welcome a bit of extra work - and they have an idea of what they're up against.

I agree, file a complaint with the referring agency - let them know you disclosed your son's disability and that she said she understood and could handle it. I'm so sorry your date night was ruined. As it stands, we don't go out unless we can find DS a sleepover with the friends whose houses he can go to, and where he feels comfortable.

I'm sorry you had such a crappy experience. There are decent caregivers out there, don't give up.

There are two different types of people who work with children. People who want to help children grow and excel, and people who want to control other people.

He probably wasn't, she was probably a control freak. My son does not do well with controlling people and neither do it. Control freaks are always unhappy unless everyone around them is behaving in exactly the manner they deem appropriate. And yes, I had several bad experiences with caregivers. I have given up on leaving my son with anyone at this point.

We haven't, but there was one once who I know was open to that for other parents.

Some of the daycare teachers also take outside work, and may already have a relationship with the child.

We used one of my daughter's preschool teachers a few times. She was never my son's teacher, but he had come with me to pick up multiple times, and he thought she would be good. They did get along well, but she was in college and availability limited.

Mostly we only went out if we could get the kids former nanny to sit, or if one of my sisters or my mom could come up. After my son turned 12 was the first time I let a teen neighbor sit, and that was more like an extra hand for him than anything else. This teen has a special needs sister and the mom was 2 doors away, so that was pretty low risk. Now that he is 13 we leave him in charge of his younger sister, but stay within a 10 minute drive home.

That was a lot of years of very limited choices, and pretty much never going out, but I just couldn't take the stress of it, of worrying if we had a match. Sometimes it really is no ones faults when a sitting situation goes bad, but then the sitter really shouldn't be blaming it on the child. I remember offering to do trades with a neighbor family, for a child we thought I had a relationship with, and me sitting for them was the first turn. But when it was just the two of us (me and their NT toddler) he really freaked out. After trying every trick I could think of to make the child comfortable I had to call the parents and tell them how upset the child was, and that it wasn't going to work. I don't think I did anything wrong; the child just didn't like me, and some things cannot and should not be forced.

<sarcasm> Oh my god he threw a TOY! </sarcasm>

She better get used to kids throwing things if she has a baby. My brother went through a phase where he'd routinely and randomly throw things at people and he's NT.

I remember when I was about 2 my mother left me with a babysitter in a room upstairs while she attended some craft thing at someone's house. I had a massive issue about being left with a baby sitter that day and I burst into tears and tipped a rocking horse, though not all the way over. I was inconsolable and eventually the baby sitter went and got my mother, claiming that I kicked her, which I did not. She just didn't want to admit she couldn't handle a 2 year old who wouldn't stop crying. My mother took me downstairs and I spent the rest of the time under her chair recovering.

Your son probably does get quite upset when you leave. I recommend you place hidden cameras around the house before you hire another baby sitter in the future so there is no question about what goes on.

oh my, i would be interviewing my son to know every word the baby sitter might have said to him ...well if he is verbal, that is. I also could never leave my son with anyone, people say to me i'm overprotective, well no, i just know the majority of people are incompetent and he was more sensitive than the average little boy.
My brother in law tried to show me how kids "like that"are supposed to be treated. he physically restrained him, which ended up the way you can imagine: my son trying to worm his way out, first giggling, then growing a bit anxious, but he would not desist. So the brute tried to hurt him into stillness, by pinching his leg ( hard) , --->explosion of laughter from "immune to pain" kid.
BIL got really mad, and screamed in his face to make him stop laughing. i told the story womewhere else so i'll just end it here by saying of course there was no "scaring"or "hurting"him into obedience. BIL gave up and said that indeed, maybe that was not the way to go with him. yes, i knew, thanks.
Some people have their mind set on what education should look like, i think it's best to trust your instincts with your son. I'm sure he's a good kid. That baby sitter had issues...