16 year old Meltdowns caused by Teen Drama

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Our 16 year old is having concurrent meltdowns right now for what seems to be a bundle of teen angst and drama. There is a girl he likes who he had an immediate deep attachment to but she isnt reciprocating the same and the more he pushes, the more she is pulling away. His answer is to shun her with angry silence and feels it will make her come running to him to 'make him feel better'. He has a few other teen stressors like semester finals in two weeks, he is not performing as well right now in the activity that he is in (in the area of his AS interest), and he has some Holiday emotions based on loss and rejection as well.

I dont know how many of you on here have experienced issues with sugar - beyond a typical 'rush and crash' but described best as a chemical imbalance. He tends toward indulgance issues anyway, so he's 'sneaking' lots of candy and sugar at school right now which is only exacerbating his emotional/mental/physical turmoil.

Today he began acting out in class (in a subject he likes and does well in, but doesnt like the female teacher) - refusing to do a test, listening to his ipod (which is not allowed in that class) and not putting it away when asked to do so, and he skipped tutoring for another class he isnt doing well in and doesnt like.

Our main desire is to help him balance out this 'noise' in his head, give him some tricks to help him get sleep (long story short, meds arent an answer), and calm his destructive demeanor. He's normally a fairly easy going friendly kid who leaves a good and sincere impression with others. He is hardest most on himself I think. Any suggestions -- insights?

First I would sit down and have a talk about relationships with him. I'd like to say that how he is responding to this girl rejecting him isn't unusual of emotionally immature NT teenagers either. However they eventually figure out the errors in their behavior, and I think children and teenagers with AS need to explicitly be told the errors in their behavior.

I would tell him that acting in a hostile manner towards someone he likes, who does not reciprocate those feelings of attraction, will only make him look bad, and push her away and make her glad she didn't date him. No one wants to be with someone who has the potential to turn hostile towards them when upset. It's very very unattractive. By acting in such a way towards her, he also destroys any future potential at a relationship with her. The best thing to do when faced with someone who is not interested in a relationship at the moment, is to leave with a good rapport, so that if you encounter them weeks, months, or years in the future, when their priorities and outlooks on life have changed, they will remember you in a positive light and there may be potential for a relationship.

He should also know that relationships are not just about how he feels. In a relationship, a person should be able to consider how the OTHER person feels, and sometimes give that priority. She was not initially attracted to him for some reason. Ask him how he would feel if the situation were reversed, and someone, anyone, girl or guy, was attracted to him and he did not reciprocate those emotions. If he tried to force himself into a relationship with that person, highlight to him the fact that he would not be happy, and the relationship would most likely stress him.

Tell him a good relationship has mutual compatibility. If one person is not happy in the relationship, both people will end up unhappy.

Concerning his emotions, this is quite normal for teenagers, however this can be made worse by SSRI's, so if he's on them, it's something to consider. If he is, I would speak with his doctor about it before any changes are made.

I think he also take up some physical activity. Maybe something outdoors. Is there a male role model in his life that he could go hiking with on a regular basis? What about weight lifting or running?

Chronos - thank you for your quick response. I sometimes feel that if there were a sort of hotline I could call in it would be helpful to release that immediate anxiety! Your comments regarding relationship are good. We'll use those this evening when we pick him up from a group he's attending. Sometimes our best talks are when he's in the car - not facing us, but a side-by-side conversation. I heard once it works better - and it indeed does. He is in that place right now where he feels that if she just knew how he felt she would agree that they would be a great couple. He's very considerate to ask how she'd doing, ask about her and listen to her on several levels - which makes him a good friend. But more than that right now and she has shyed away. Your suggestions hit on the head of some behaviours and responses that he has learned from his step-dad - before he came to live with us. You didnt know that, so it is an even better reminder to take it back to basics and as you say - tell him explicitly the errors of his behavior. Teach him new patterns.

He is not on meds. His family had him on a number of meds over the past years and they caused more issue than not unfortunately, so he is not on meds. Certainly if I could give him something to shut his mind down at night to sleep I would. Poor kid just cant shut off. But we'll find something to help.

He is active in a sport actually, and it is his other obsession, but he isnt getting a lot of playing time right now and it only adds to the angst of failure and rejection. Coach says he's the hardest worker on the team, but those familiar with AS know there are just some hurdles that are hard to get past to master the game when it comes to physical sports. But it is his thing, so we are in support. His coach has stepped up somewhat to mentor him as well, so we've seen where that helps. (Anyone but the parent people speaking is a good thing to a teen, right!) You encourage me that we keep the physical activity going. It does provide an outlet for him.

It is hard to balance sometimes between not addressing bad behavior in order to avoid a meltdown and him taking that as acceptance of the bad behavior. and finding how to address it.

Sounds like you have some sound words regarding an AS teen.
Thanks again!