New 'Parent' of 24 yr old AS : guidance & learning

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The lady I love & intend to marry has a son with what appears to be the AS side of Autism.

I'm trying to learn as much as I can so I canbe good to / with / for him.

He is 'math' smart, his verbal skills are very good, he is quite capable of taking care of him self.
He zeros in on his computer world; if he has amoment, he'll interact with me or his mom.

I'm not sure if I've handled some siutations correctly

1. He has a difficult time in making decisions.
I offered him to dine & spend night with us . . .
He kept flip-flopping; about every 15 min to 1/2 hour, a changeof mind.
I asked/directed him to flip a coin
- he determined what heads & tails meant.
- he flipped the coin...a decision was made
- later, he changed his mind
- I reminded him, authorivetly, that the decison was (stay)
although he staid, I wonder if this push was the right thing to do for him.

2. When his mom is around him ,she's all over him . .
back rubs, hugs, . . .like he's 4 to 5 yr old . .
I grew up in a no-touch environment . . .
The mom almost ignores me when he's around, she's 100% focused on him.
"I think" she is still hoping for the mother-child bond to happen;
where the child hugs the mom . . .he will give her a one arm pat on backhug IF he can spare his arm
away from the computer games. . She seems to 'tolerate' being 2nd inline to his
activity...
Again, I think it's her hope for the bond to finally form
Am I thinking correctly ?

3. theres' simple (to me) things in life she does for him, I try to remind her
that we need to help him learn...we won't always be here . . .
Yes, he knows 'how to' grocery shop & cook, but when his computer breaks, for example,
she's running aroundto get it repaired....I say to her "What is he going to do if his
computer breaks as we take-off (airplane) for 3 weeks in bora-bora ?

I wonder if she does thsee things hoping the bond forms ?
I feel she knows he is smart enough to handle the situation....

We have both use the term ' not motivated' . . I'm not sure if it is a 'lack of motivation'...dirty house, messey yard, junk in car . . .or maybe a lack of understanding/feelig that doing something about it has any value in his value system . . .He did ask me about the trees in his yard...can you eat them ? No, says I . ."then why have them ?" . . .I just said "some people like pretty things to look at" . . .I have no idea if he understood my answer, he just walked away.

Another thing I've seen
- he'll be watching other peoople (kids) at play and have a smile on his face; his mom
will ask him to do something with heer....he'll ingore, so to speak, her . .
She'll start to plead
He'll turn his face to her and make a jesture with his eyes like he's falling asleep
I interpret this as his way of saying 'leave me alone'. Am I right?
I also tell her that 'maybe' you dragging him away from smething he seems to enjoy could be interpreted, by him, as doing something you do not approve...again,am I right ?
again, I interpret her pleading to be with her...she's hoping for the mother-child bond to form....

Well, than you for letting me share
. . I appreciate any/all help, insights, advice
. . . I know i have a lot of reading / learning to do...

Are you saying he's 24?

The child seems to need social skills training because there seems to be little/no understanding of correct social behaviour.

Also, if it's possible to observe an "NT*" family who are touchy feely it may help you understand that better as you've said you've grown up in a house that was the opposite.

Although, it does seem kinda odd to me that she'll almost ignore you but that's probably just me. About this Mother/child bond thing, I don't know. I know that it can take a while to understand my forms of affection (apart from the obvious) so perhaps the Mother doesn't understand his form/s of affection, or perhaps the child is rude and hasn't had it explained to him the whys and hows of it. If he's 24, it may be that he'll stay this way unless he has reason to change.






*NT=neurologically typical, a person without any form of atypical neurology (Autism, ADD, Tourettes etc).

Welcome to WP, Soggy60!

I suspect you are seeing some inter-dependencies correctly there, and I also suspect you will *always* be competing for a place and an identity of your own in that existing family of two.

It's time to cut the umbilical cord.

Everyone needs a decisive push once in a while.


That's her problem.



Or maybe he needs to help you learn? He can probably not only fix his own computer, but build one if he wanted to. Not that either takes a genius anyway.



Some people are messy...or "messy". I see no point in making my bed if I'm going to mess it up again. I can find more productive ways to use my time...and generally I do think it more practical to plant edible plants. In fact, it has always been my plan that when I have a house with a lawn, I'm going to rip the lawn out and plant food producing plants.


You mean an "Oh God, why are you bothering me?" eye roll?


Well, than you for letting me share
. . I appreciate any/all help, insights, advice
. . . I know i have a lot of reading / learning to do...[/quote]

He should definitely be taught to follow through on commitments he has made. You did the right thing in this case.



I can't answer that. I don't know her.



Again, I don't know so I can't say.



This seems to me like a typical response from an Aspie. It's a straightforward, logical question. You answered his question so the conversation was over.



That would be my impression.



I don't know.

BTW, welcome to WP!

I think that maybe it would be helpful to designate some time with your significant other to ask questions of her. No one here knows the history of this relationship, and I'm getting the sense that everyone else is just as uncomfortable as I about making assumptions based on a third-party observation. If this young man is indeed 24, you may well be interpreting mother-son shorthand incorrectly. The hallmark of Aspergers is difficulty with social communication. Many people (sounds like yourself included) interpret this as a lackof feelings, which is an incorrect assumption. His Mom may be able to understand things you can't.

It might also help you to do some research on Aspergers and what is involved, especially before you have this conversation - a book I recommend is The Complete Guide to Aspergers by Tony Attwood. You might also google "pragmatic speech," "executive function," and "theory of mind."

I do think your concern that the son is still dependent on his mother is something to ask about: nobody here knows his particular level or type of disability, which varies greatly from person to person within the Autism spectrum. It may not have occurred to either of them that he might qualify for outside support that will allow him more independence.

1. he is 24 yr old . . .we (I) rented a speedboat & we went boating for his birthday...he was as happy as a lark . . .

2. I'll get the book one of yaz suggested.

3. Yes, whenI first met him, I 'thought' he interface with me was 'rude'; but something inside me felt he was not rude, just his behavior. His mom and I have talked bout him, that's whre I learned he is 'austic' ...diagnosd in Russia ( they been in USA 15 years)....

4. I'm sure he's smart enough to do more than he does.

5. I agree : it does make sense - If you're gonna grow and maintain something, why not make it food.

The mother-child bond...I've learned that often the father gives up on the child,but the mother side is more 50:50...some giveup hopeof having a a'loving'child like they see their friends have, some keep hoping,,,try anythingfor the day it happens.
Remnids me of me; a recovered codependent....always hoping today will be the day I feel loved....do anythbing,put up with anything,,,just because maybe today will be the day....

I do feel he needs to be pushed a little: mannors, 'introductory' social skills....

I am concerned about "do for" rather than "teach him how"...I'd rather teach...I would think that would give him a sesnse of accomplishment ( does that mean anything to a aspie ?) , a sense of pride (i do not know if that is of importance to an aspie).

Oh, the boating day...mom & I went swimming...he stayed ashore....she pleaded & pleaded for him to join us...he didn't. ,I said to her stop, let's laugh, splash, have fun...when he sees how much fun we're having, he came in.

Again, thank you for your insights and patience as I learn;
. . .thank you for welcoming me into your world

There's nothing wrong with wanting to help him, however, remember, he IS an adult. For some reason, many NT's tend to get the perception that we with AS are needy in some way, and need help being taught how to do something, like a child. Personally, I find this rather annoying, and many adults with AS have expressed on here insult when well intending people attempt to "help" them when it was not solicited.

Inside many adults with AS, you will generally find someone who is of fairly sophisticated thought, and no less mature than anyone else unless some environmental factor (over protective parents) has inhibited them in that sense. However people with AS generally have different priorities than NT's.

If you would like to help him, you should first sit down with him, and discuss the matter with him as an adult. You might ask him "I was wondering if you had any interest in improving your social skills," If he says no, then I would respect that.

I do . . .we've had many convefrsations about all kinds of things...how jet skis work to how planes fly to nuclear power plants and how they work. ( from his questions, I know he understands)

He is a rather intellegent person; I never doubted that . . .he showed me his spreadsheet item he built to grade / rate comuter games.

I guess, I not knowing his values or what's important to him,I'm not sure how to address 'social skils , social mannorizms' with him.

His mom says he is lonely; I've yet to see or hear anything of that from him.

But I do 'know' (?) 'feel' (?) " his bluntness will 'feel' offensive to others....


I called him 'the other day' ,asked if I could visit, he said Ok.
I said I'll be there (at his game place) in 10 minutes.

When I arrived, I said "Hi....name...'
His first words were "You picked a bad time to visit"
I said "why?"
. ."I just started a game"
. . . .I'm sorry, but I was offended !
. . . . ...My visit was not important enough for him to wait? or pause the game?
. . . . . . . but I guess this is 'how' he'works...

Until he develops some semblence of "Hi glad to see you" greeting (even ifhe doesn't feel that way , , ,mmmm, maybe he can't see the value in telling this little fib) ) he will be alone for a long time....but I "feel" that's OK by him.

I talked to him about the blog he's on....just about games...he has no idea ( or so he said) about the other people : gender, where they live, what ice cream they like, etc (his primary food is ice cream, so I thought he would have at least 'compared notes' on that item)
I admit,,I'm at the other extreme: I move to a new neighborhood and within weeks have met almost everyone...

Hey everyone, thank you for your input

erroneous repost

Last edited by Chronos on 12 Dec 2010, 7:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

erroneous repost

Last edited by Chronos on 12 Dec 2010, 7:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

There may have been a miscommunication here. When you called and asked if you could visit, and he said "ok" at that moment, he may have already have been planning on playing the game...

Let's deconstruct the situation and analyze first how an NT would operate in this situation, and then how someone with AS might operate.

You: Hi, I was wondering if I could come visit.

NTguy goes through this mental process before answering
(pre-existing plans: Play video game)
Soggy is asking to visit me. Why? ->Explorer options.
Answer: Soggy wants to socialize with me. (perfectly valid answer to an NT, no justification needed)

Am I doing anything important that takes precedence over socializing?
Answer: No. Video game can wait until visit is over. ->Reply. No. ->Answer positive.

NTGuy: Sure Soggy, come on down. (implies Soggy has precedence over most other tasks)

This is the thought process your stepson may have had.

You: Hi, I was wondering if I could come visit.

ASGuy thought process:
(pre-existing plans to play video game)
Soggy is asking if he can come visit.
Conflict: I am going to play my video game.
Question: Is Soggy allowed to visit? Yes or No
Answer: Yes

ASGuy: Ok.

You see, he does not have an innate concept of the significance of socialization in the sense that, it is alien to him that one person would reach out for another for that purpose alone. This should not be taken as him not wanting to socialize. He likely did not realize the intent of your visit. YOU wanted to SOCIALIZE with HIM BECAUSE...you want to form a bond with him, or some such thing. There is a lot wrapped up in that word "socialize" that articualtes as desires within the mind of one with AS, but not as intentions.

When he responded to your question, he was responding only to the question and not the intent behind it. He had already planned in his mind to play a video game, and it did not occur to him to waiver from that course. He MAY have realized the conflict but may not have known how to articulate it to you because you did not ask if he had a conflict and sometimes people with AS only see the response options that are presented to them.

There was a controversy over the interrogation of children without their parents, or interrogation of people with other issues without lawyers, because when police would ask thing such as "Did you kill her with the knife or the rope?" the individual being interrogated was given the impression they had to choose from one of those two choices.

What you might want to say to him is "Next I attempt to make plans to meet up, if you have other plans, or it's not a good time for some reason, just let me know."




He does not have to say "Glad to see you," He simply needs to say "Hello".



There are a few reasons why someone with AS does not do this.
1. They may not view it as pertinent information.
2. Many people with AS have reached out to people only to be pegged as "weird" because the could not get a sense for what questions and subjects were in the proper context, and which were considered "random".
3. Many people with AS cannot gauge boundaries very well. A person who asks too many personal questions can be seen by others as intrusive, and many with AS have also been pegged with this label.

So I understand you want your step son to improve on his social skills and reach out to people more, but you also must understand that that opens him up to a lot of vulnerabilities that he may not have the capacity or skills to deal with.

Hello there

I could easily give you a book full of 'advice'. But I think that before any advice is given, you have to determine what it is that you want to do with your new step child. Based on what you say, he is driving, taking care of himself, and living on his own. At least, thats what I think, your not quite clear on the living arrangements. You also say that he is smart 'math wise', and as such I assume he is finishing up college with some sort of degree related to the sciences. In which case, your main question is what?

Are you asking how to teach him to mimic superficial social niceties?
Are you asking how to reduce his dependency on his mother?
Are you asking how to get his mother to be less indulgent?
And if he isn't living alone, are you asking how to get him to move out?
Are you trying to figure out how he thinks in order to better understand why he acts the way that he does?

And furthermore, how much have you talked these concerns over with your new son? He is a far better source of information about himself and how he thinks then we are. I understand that he may seem strange, and there may be some mis-communications due to that, but if you are trying to resolve a mis-communication with an adult who is fully capable of speaking for themselves, then your best course of action is to speak with the adult.

I am sorry if I don't have more useful advice for you now, but I am not sure what advice it is that you are looking for, because I don't know what it is that you want to accomplish when dealing with your child.

I am a very 'logical' thinker . . .very ,, very analytical.

CHronos: you recent reponse help alot....a wholoe lot. I very muchenjoy, and appreciate your insight.


Tracker; Thank You so very much.

you asked:
> I reply

Are you asking how to teach him to mimic superficial social niceties?
> yes, but I know that is for later

Are you asking how to reduce his dependency on his mother?
> I do not know if he is 'dependent' or just knows mom will 'do for him' without his asking.

Are you asking how to get his mother to be less indulgent?
> yes, as part of him becoming more resposible (?)

And if he isn't living alone, are you asking how to get him to move out?
> he lives alone, his own house....

Are you trying to figure out how he thinks in order to better understand why he acts the way that he does?
> YES, YES , YES . . .I'm trying to understand the 'difference' in his thought process and mine. I feel if I coud nderstand , I can better be preoared for the 'social' interactions between us.
Like Chronos's reponse about the'visit'; I now wouldask if 10 mnutes is a good time to vist, or are you busy. I also feel this 'understanding' would help me 'inform' (?) ,, teach (?) him 'socializing'.

From a 'rocket engineers' view point, he is facinating.....
...he did 'start' college, but seems to be shy about discussing it,,,,so I haven't pursued the subject any further . . . .
...I 'am' a nuclear engineer . . .was a rocket scientist when I first graduated from University (and still can't type or spell )

Thank You