Severe fear and anxiety - what can I do?

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I'm at the end of my rope. My 8 year old son, Aspie, has intense fears and anxiety. It is making it difficult for me to function at all.

He does not seem to have this problem at school. He tells me there are always a lot of people around all the time - so he's not afraid. The anxiety is at it's worst when he's at home in the evening with me - it's just the two of us most of the time. We have two dogs and a cat - they offer comfort, but they do not make my son feel any safer. I've tried to explain that our dogs would go nuts barking if anyone or anything tried to get in the house - he understands but it doesn't make the anxiety go away.

He follows me around the house like a shadow. He must physically be within 2 feet of me to feel secure; his preference would be to be physically touching at all times. He cannot go to the bathroom alone, shower alone, eat alone, watch TV alone, or sleep alone. "Alone" by his definition means I'm farther than 2 feet away from him. He also needs loudness, all lights on, and all extraneous doors closed in order to feel safe. Genereally, night-time and quiet is terrifying. I think he likes loudness because it covers up the little sounds that startle him.

I'm going nuts because I cannot function like this. I can't even think straight as I'm so continually distracted by my son's constant presence, constant talking, and the loudness of the TV or music. There is no "off" button. He takes medication for ADHD which helps, but it wears off by the end of school and I do not want to give him more. He takes it for school and that has worked extraordinarily well for us. (So well that others who experience him at school cannot believe what I'm dealing with at home.)

When my son was diagnosed, the psychologist said we might have to resort to SSRI's. I would prefer another solution as he's only 8 years old. In my opinion, suicidal ideation brought on by SSRI's is to big a risk. (Although if anyone has tried this with children and can comment - I'd love to hear how it worked.)

The other suggestion given to me was that I could FORCE him to face his fears - according to his psychologist research has shown this is the only truly effective solution. I WILL NOT DO THAT, although I try to do a version of it in very small baby steps; I force him to be 4 feet away from me rather than 2 feet away - for as long as he can take it. But even this is exhausting. In the past, before we knew my son was on the spectrum, we forced him to face his fears - like getting his hair cut. It was traumatic, didn't solve anything, and usually resulted in tears, an asthma attack and use of the nebulizer! What I'm trying to say is - forcing him to face fears is not an option. (I also think it's downright cruel in his case.)

I'm upset with myself because I often yell at him when I can't take it anymore - and he starts to cry. He gets very sad and emotional because he knows it's not normal and he wants to do the right thing and be more helpful - but he's truly terrified. When I ask him what he's afraid of, he says, "That you will disappear or that bad guys will come and take you away." When I prove to him that I'm not going to "disappear" he can buy it intellectually, but emotionally he's not convinced at all. I'm his anchor and he knows that. He is able to function outside of home very well because I take care of his issues "behind the scenes."

My problem is that I can't keep this up and be sane. Even if I could... I cannot physically be by his side AND make dinner, take a shower, clean the house, etc., all at the same time. I hate yelling at him and I feel like a monster when I do - because I know he is truly frightened and he can't help it. My life is just crazy - I can't even use the bathroom alone.

If anyone has ever dealt with something like this - can you give me suggestions? I've been wondering if something like St. Johns Wort is safe and effective for children. (If it even took the edge off I'd be greatful.) I'm fairly convinced this is biological in nature.

We dealt with something similar this past summer, and I am afraid you may not like my answer for what worked for us, but it was in fact gently, kindly and persistently insisting that our son face his fears in little increments. We had a wonderful psychologist who guided us through this process. There was no "shoving him into the deep end" so to speak, but little manageable chunks of him working through his fears, and then us being very careful to honour his feelings WITHOUT reinforcing the fears. A book that helped immensely was Freeing Your Child from Anxiety (Powerful, Practical Solutions to Overcome Your Child's Fears, Worries, and Phobias) by Tamar Ellsas Chansky. It was basically the same things that our psych had us doing.

Good luck with this. It is very, very, very difficult, and it can feel cruel to push (even gently) when your child is terrified, but every time you get angry with him for his behavior it is just as hard on him if not moreso than pushing him a little as you teach him how to deal with his own anxiety. I really do highly recommend this book. The methods leave the child empowered and more secure than ever after he has the experience of learning how to conquer his own fears, at least this was what happened for our son, but it was a lot of hard work from him and us before we got to that point.

I had this problem when I was a child and I still panic, at times, If I am alone. The best advice I can give is DO NOT let him watch any horror movies or play any scary video games because it will intensify this phobia. I would get very scared at night because it was dark and quiet. I was so scared at night sometimes that I would vomit on my bed. One time I was too scared to get up and go to the bathroom so I went in a cup I had beside my bed (it wasnt pee btw) and I was so ashamed when I got up in the morning I tried to hide it in the garbage can of my room. My Mom found it due to the smell which she thought was my hamster cage at first. She asked me why I did it and I just told her I was scared. I was about ten then and I knew that she thought I was very weird which made me feel even worse about the whole thing.
When I got older I would watch funny movies or read something happy or funny. I also kept a flashlight in my bed and learned the jump from my bed to the door technique to keep anything under my bed from grabbing me. This is a terrible way to grow up I can promise you that.
Maybe keeping one of those soothing type CDs playing when its quiet in the house and try to keep up the humor. Watch a funny movie or tell jokes. The best way is to distract him from his thoughts because the more you focus on being scared and all the bad things that can happen the more intense they become.
Im so sorry for both you and your son and I hope that he can find a way to function without so much of the fear. If worse comes to worse I now use valium when I get real panicky and it helps a lot....and finding something to laugh about or to focus on.

st johns wort is definitely safe for you and should make you more relaxed when dealing with the noise and stuff. i took it a couple of times and it mellows me.
somehow this looks more like your problem than your sons.

Hi, I do know those fears. My son is 12 now and he has had many extreme fears. Things were getting so bad for my son when he was 10 years old that, I did resort to medication. I was extremely resistant to meds. I'd tried every thing I as a parent could think of, I took him to a psychologist for help, she was also struggling to help him. As a last resort we opted for a very small dose of Lovan 10mg's daily. The meds have taken the edge off, he still has some fears but they are not taking over his whole being, I can usually reason him threw them. We have had no ill effects from the Lovan, trust me he wouldn't be on them if there was even the slightest sign of negative side effects for my son.

My original plan was to use the meds for a short while in conjunction with therapy. We did do this, but the benefits from keeping him on a very low dose have out weighed taking him off. He himself has told me he feels better on them.

By all means try everything else first, but if it's not working don't be to scared to resort to meds, you haven't copped out.

We have something like this, although I don't remember it being that intense, and it has lessened somewhat now that my son is 10. It helps that our house is fairly small anyway, but he really doesn't like being alone in his room even though it's just steps away from every other room in the house.

I feel your pain - I'm somewhere on the spectrum myself, and I need space - it can get really difficult for me sometimes. We had to have a long discussion the other day about how Mommy does not like to be hugged when she's cooking, or when she's trying to perform a task.

The only time my son seems to enjoy being alone is when he's completely occupied: a new lego set, a tv show, a video game or a cartoon he's drawing.

We do use a CD player with a relaxation tape in his room, and we've got two night-lights: one is in his fishtank on a timer, and the other is a regular nightlight. These do help. DS is supposed to stay in his room on his own after bedtime (we have a set routine, I stay for one part of the CD and then leave: this is important) He is sometimes successful at doing this, but he usually calls out to us at least two or three times each night before going to sleep - on a bad night he comes to us with all sorts of complaints from "I'm thirsty" to "I just can't sleep." I've also discovered that having his room clean (so it's predictable) is a factor in how hard a time he has staying in his room. Predictability is big...but it obviously isn't the only thing, so I'm looking forward to reading what other people have to say.

Despite the fact that we do make him go to sleep on his own (he's not freaking out, mind you - just clearly uncomfortable) this anxiety has lessened only slightly over the last several years - it peaked when he was seven, then got a little better and has leveled off but is not continuing to decrease.

Thanks for such wonderful responses. I’m so glad Wrongplanet exists – I get better advice here than I do anywhere else.

Annotated alice – I’m going to look into the book you recommend, Freeing Your Child from Anxiety. It sounds like what I’ve tried to do on my own, to some degree. I haven’t implemented a consistent program, and it sounds like this book may help me do just that. And I appreciate your understanding, it is very, very, difficult to deal with this problem. Aspergers can be so easily misunderstood, that aside from here (meaning WrongPlanet) – when I talk about it people just think I’m nuts, or that my son is making things up to get attention.

Lilomeme – Thanks for sharing your personal experience. I actually shared your suggestions with my son. He brightened up when I read your words. He said, “I’m just like that! That’s why it’s a good idea to watch one of the funny Smurfs episodes before bed.” He also has a light under his pillow, just in case. He has terrible nightmares, and it’s one of the reasons he insists on sleeping with me – so I can wake him up. He makes me promise to wake him up if I see him moving around too much or talking in his sleep. At one point he was actually afraid to fall asleep and would resist it as much as possible! We’ve bought a sound-machine that makes white noise for the bedroom. It’s been a great help! He sleeps more soundly and is a lot less jittery. He’s had his own room since he was 2 – but he refuses to sleep there. We’ve tried various things to get him in his own bed and in his own room. As you can see we haven’t been successful. When he was younger he actually sleep-walked and had such bad sleep apnea that he slept between my husband and I simply so we could keep him from walking away, and make sure his breathing didn’t stop! I can’t tell you how exhausting this was, luckily the sleep apnea has been resolved – now we just have the fear thing.

Aurea – I’ve never heard of Lovan. If it works (and doesn’t cause vivid dreaming/nightmares) I’m all for it! I was resistant to meds before we put my son on Adderall. The difference in his behavior with and without the Adderall is incredible. Before we tried ADHD medication, I read all the literature and was terrified. Luckily my son has a very good pediatrician whom I trust. He has years and years of experience with ADHD and was able to give me good advice. I may talk with him about the fear issues. Up until now the only professional help I’ve gotten for the fear thing is from the psychologist that diagnosed my son. He’s a good psychologist, but to be honest, I think he’s a little on the spectrum himself – maybe that’s why it’s his specialty. His method is to take the research, find what research has indicated works best, and then try it. When I ask him how other kids he sees (in real time and space) react to the medication – he can’t answer that. I think I’m going to ask my son’s pediatrician about medication for anxiety, and get his opinion on Lovan. Maybe we can circumvent the psychologist in this instance.

Thanks for all the good information – now I feel like I have some concrete things to look into, instead of just spinning my wheels.

I am currently going through a very similar experience with my 8 yr old son. He has developed severe OCD symptoms. Hand and body washing, repeat showers, sheet changing, etc.... because of contamination fears. He doesn't follow me around, but has become secretive about his behaviors as he knows they are not normal and they make him uncomfortable. Clearly, my son is extremely anxious and miserable. Our boys are expressing their troubles differently, but they come from a similar place.

A few years ago, I reluctantly put him on Ritalin because he was struggling in school to stay present with the class and learn anything. It was pretty amazing the impact it had on him and he is glad to take his medication each day. At that time I swore we would not give him anything else, that Ritalin was the limit.

I have since had to come to terms with trying Lexapro for my child. His anxiety was to the point that it was ruining his life and the entire families. (recently he and I skipped a trip to see family because of his struggles) My son has been taking lexapro for about 3 weeks and he is starting to show fewer repetitive washing behaviors and is more willing to engage with people rather than technology. He seems more relaxed and open to conversation, even playing with his sister a bit..

We have also been working with him behaviorly when he goes into a "panic attack" or starts to engage in his compulsive behaviors. I will hold him if he lets me and he seems to feel better when I acknowledge that he is feeling miserable and physically uncomfortable. I remind him that his mind is tricking him and that I will stay with him until the horrible urges go away.

In general, my son seems to do really well when we talk very frankly with him about his struggles. We try to acknowledge his experience and gently remind him that growing up with aspergers is hard work, but that he can do it. The last thing we have done that has helped our son during his most difficult part of the day, bedtime, is give him melatonin to help him relax and fall to sleep. Our Psychiatrist recommended this as an alternative to a pharm. sleep aid. You might ask about this if going to bed is difficult for your son.

Hope this is helpful, and at the least lets you feel less alone.

Oh, one more thing. Your psychologist is by law unable to recommend any type of drug therapy. He/she can get in a lot of trouble, so I think his/her silence should be considered good practice. Do keep this person in the "know" so they can support your decisions and so they know why your child may go through additional behavior changes potentially unrelated to behavior therapy..

Meds. and good therapy to confront fears is considered best practice in these situations. Good luck!

larabliss -

Thanks for your response. I do think our children have some similar traits. My son's psychologist told us back in December that my son's fears were more an obsessive-compulsion rather than a garden variety "fear." That's not to say he's not afraid - he IS! It's just that there are other ODC type behaviors... and this one is starting to look like one of them. (He hides a lot of his OCD behaviors from his classmates and teachers.)

I'm not really against medication - as the Adderall he takes everyday has been a Godsend. I also know medication is often the answer. Right now, when we are around others, he's more controlled and no one would ever know the extreme clingness he exhibits at home. I am planning on talking with his doctor about medication when we have his wellness check this month.

You mention the Melatonin. We've used that for 2 years - and it has been great. Just this week I've taken him off the Melatonin and started using 5HTP. The reason for the switch is that I'm starting to think the Melatonin is giving him vivid nightmares and that is what is fueling his fear problems. I've used Melatonin on occassion - and it's very effective, sometimes too effective. So far this week with the 5HTP, it has taken longer, by about an hour, to fall asleep - but I've noticed that he's not groggy in the morning, and he hasn't been grinding his teath when he's asleep. Coincidence? I don't know. But we'll stick with it for awhile as it seems to be working out well. I didn't expect it to have an effect on the teeth grinding, so I'm happy about that bonus feature!

Thank you for sharing. It does help me not feel so alone in all this, and it helps validate what I'm experienceing and what my son is experiencing. Most people I encounter do not have a clue. I have been told that perhaps I should look into getting a second opinion because they don't believe my son has Aspergers. They think he has normal sensitivities that I exagerate and coddle.

My son who is 10 has been afraid of many things since he was about 3 his main fear was bears and wolves he was convinced they could get into the house he would also follow me around like you discribe and altho it sounded rediculous to me because they dont live in town and cannot open doors it was very real to him. We tried various things that worked for short periods of time..

I had him help me make no bears allowed signs that we put in all the windows and doors of the house lol that worked for about a month

we then changed to colored water that i put in the snow around the house i told him they will not cross the line because they're afraid.. this helped untill the new snow covered it up and then melted altogether

finally i bought some of that body spray stuff and told him they were afraid of the smell and all he needed to do was spray some in his room and they wouldn't come anywhere close .. this worked for a couple years and he seemed over the fear as long as he had some spray with him (the house smelled like a brothel) but he wasn't afraid maybe somthing similar would help depending on your sons age..

mine still has issues if he sees anything on tv mentioning bears or wolves or if someone talks about them or we visit a zoo but now we read him a social story and he seems ok after the story still afraid but not paralized by fear and able to sleep alone.

hope this helped