Parenthood

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Have you seen this show? How freaked out the parents were when they told their kid he has Asperger's?

I've had issues with this show for a while. I don't think it's right to withhold information from your child. Maybe it was easier that we started dealing with his ADHD first, and that the first real discussion we had about it was when I tried to help him process being bullied by a classmate for being "different".

Does that show seem accurate to you? Do you let your kids see how freaked out you are? Did you cry when you explained what Autism was?

It was so close to being great. The father said something like, everyone has their burdens, and yours is Aspergers. With my son, I gave him a ton of examples of people he knows, like this child thinks math is hard and understanding books is easy, and it's the complete opposite for this other child. I told him what my limitations are. And I explained to him that it's easy for him to do math, but it's harder for him to figure out people, what their thinking, and why they do what they do. I said it simply and it made perfect sense to him.

Did you use props, like books? That was what I did after he had thought about it for a little while and got a bit scared and felt lonely - he adores All Cats Have Asperger's Syndrome.

Also - how about using the word "disability"? My son knows it's considered a disability, so he's in special education. But he's also in the gifted program, and that is also a form of special education. There isn't a stigma, it just means that he's taught a little bit differently than some of the other kids.

I explained to my son that there is a "cookie cutter" average of expected behavior, but no one matches it exactly. Sometimes the cookies spread out in the oven, sometimes they're thinner, sometimes they're thicker. But they're all yummy, no matter what makes them a little different from the "average." I told him to like what makes him unique, no matter what label someone attaches to him, because the labels don't change who he really is inside. He's average for being uneven, for having strengths and weaknesses, and for being unique.

I haven't seen the episode, but I suppose being a TV show it had to find an angle for dramatic effect. Our run of the mill matter of fact discussions with our kids probably don't make great TV, eh? With us, the conversation was very matter of fact; kind of finally giving a name to something my son was already aware of.

I've really liked the show but I didn't see the latest episode. The show is clearly not about showing the best practices of working with Asperger children so I'm not surprised about what you posted. I guess it makes sense in the story that the father would freak out when he told his son. That father had avoiding telling him for a long time. Max looks to be 10 years old already and he had an expensive personal aid. In real life, there is no way you could keep it from him for so long. The other thing is, in the story, the episode prior to this one is about an adult with Aspergers. They chose to portray this adult in a way that was not attractive to the father. Obviously the father in the story is projecting this on to his son.

Our experience was more like yours and it happened over time and a therapist was involved. Before my son was diagnosed, he hated himself for his aspie traits. After diagnosis, he hated himself for having Aspergers. He said God hates him b/c he gave him Aspergers. We did use a few books and talked about it in short spurts over time. He has gradually continued to accept himself and his diagnosis. I'm going to be doing a social congnitive curriculum with him so I'm sure this will bring up some emotions as well. The diagnosis changed how I worked with him so that has helped him more than anything else to accept himself.

I didn't see this episode but if you freak out while speaking to a child about Aspergers, you are giving your child a horible example of how to accept himself.

My son says this, too. Breaks my heart.

I've seen this show too. It's a bit over-the-top in how it addreses Max, the boy with Aspergers. Personally, I like Max. He acts a lot like my son. On the otherhand, I'm not so sure I like the at home aid, the parents in how they deal with Max, Amazing Andy and his bugs, and the selfish uncle who has an affair with Max's aid. It's like the show is trying to show how crazy/difficult/emotinal it can be for the people trying to raise Max - but what they are actually showing is that those who raise and help Max look self-absorbed, crazy, and insensitive - while Max comes off looking more grounded than anyone! Maybe Max can help his drama fueled family get their act together.

When I talk to my son about Aspergers we talk about the challenges and the gifts. The challenges are the things we must work on so that the gifts can come to fruition.

We look at YouTube videos of Clay Marzo, James Durbin, and Michael Phelps (who I know is not officially "Aspie" but has ADHD.....) We also talk about great scientists and artists - and how they think differently. What about Steve Hawkings.... should we use his challenges to define him... or should we acknowledge the challenge, but focus on the contribution?!

So yeah... Parenthood is taking a rather strange spin -- although I have to say I really like "Max".
Better, I think, is James Durbin from American Idol, Heather Kuzmuch of Americas Top Model, "Temple" on HBO, and Abed Nadir from "Community."

I saw the show last night. That couple dives me nuts in most episodes. I think it is totally unrealistic how they work with him. It seems to cement the appearance that we cater to our kids. I hate to pick at the boy's performance, because he is a kid playing a difficult role. However, most of the time I find his behaviour more bratty than AS. They bribe that kid with stickers to get him to do the most basic of tasks. My son is 9 1/2. If a ride broke down before we were allowed to ride it, he would be disappointed, but he wouldn't have a screaming, run away tantrum. I could see a younger child doing that or a person with autism with less reasoning skills, but not a kid as high functioning as they are portraying this boy to be.

As far as how we acted. We always knew something was different with our son since he was 2 1/2-3 years old. We recognized his sensory issues; however, the rest was difficult to pinpoint. He was the typical little einstein. They communication problems were very subtle. Plus, we felt we were being unfair to him since his twin is a type A kid. We did have him tested at 3, but they told us definetly no as far as autism. We had him tested at his new school a year ago, at the end of 2nd grade. We got the whole report from he school the last week, so we had the summer to mull over it. We spent a few weeks reading it and re-reading it and just allowing it to settle in. It wasn't a surprise, but it was still a bit of a shock to finally see it from a professional in black and white. I guess we knew for about a month. I gave my son the book Asperger's the Universe and Everything by Kenneth Hall. At first I told my son I thought he would enjoy this boy's book and to read it and I wanted to talk to him about it. After he read it, we asked him his thoughts. He told us the parts he enjoyed. His critique was the the boy never really talks about the universe. We then told him he to had Aspergers like Kenneth Hall. We explained how everyone has differences in the world and how everyone has certain strengths and talents, as well as weaknesses. We used examples of everyone in our family, including him. No tears, no crying. It was a very matter of fact conversation. I think we were all relieved to finally know and have a direction. We had had so many opinions from teachers over the years. Some were convinced he had ADHD and we were in denial; although he had no signs of it unless he was in a crowd. One teacher thought he was a very manipulative boy. We are very involved parents, but with 5 kids, we didn't know what to believe sometimes. He would act like a teenager with the things he would say at such a young age, we never knew which tack to take on handling him. Since he is so smart and his attitude would mimic teenage attitude, I really regret how hard we came down on him sometimes. He lost way too many privileges he shouldn't have as a result of school behaviour in the 1st grade and me allowing his teacher to tie me into knots. I got angry too much that year and I made him angry too much that year. I regret not following my gut and forcing a teacher change. ( We moved and are at a different, better school system now.)

My point is, after all the years of questions, it was actually a relief for us and I think for him to. We have always talked about God given talents in our family and not wasting them, so I don't think the dialouge ws a shock to him. We were able to know his weaknesses in a more concrete way. For our son, most of his challeneges our sensory and social missteps at this time. We have told him it is like he is from another country and speaks another language. It isn't that he is wrong, but everyone else has trouble communicating with him. We told him others will have to be more understanding of him and he will have to work on speaking our language. We let him pick the country he was from. He chose Bhutan. We now try to tell him times when he is acting like he is in Bhutan. I don't know if it is the best approach, but it clicked with him, so we are going with it for now. My son knows he acts different. He often tells people he is an AS kid. He doesn't seem ashamed at it right now. Maybe as a teenager, he will feel differently. We had a family meeting and he used a picture book to tell the whole family about what AS is last summer too.

I am trying to find a balance. I don't want it to be a shameful secret type of thing. I don't want him to try to useit as a crutch one day either. It is who he is.

Last edited by twinplets on 02 Mar 2011, 4:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I watch the show but I find the kid obnoxious. I think the writers used the Wikipedia article on Aspergers instead of actually getting to know any kids with an ASD.

Here's the episode for whoever is interested: http://www.hulu.com/watch/217323/parent ... s-p1-so-i0

I haven't watched it yet, we were busy last night and hubby is working today, and I kind of want to watch it together. It's a pretty typical evening family drama, so of course the relationships are often a little bit silly - I'd say they are slightly less silly than your average family drama...people's actions do tend to have some consequences in this show, at least as compared to your usual melodramatic fluff...but, yes, it's still a melodrama at heart.

I think, also, those of us who looked for and found WrongPlanet are significantly more enlightened than your average parent-with-an-aspie. I know many parents who are not that far off of the parents in the show in terms of letting their child run the household, but yet not offering support for their needs. I don't think the show is attempting to show how to do things, but maybe more how people fall into things. The main writer and producer for the show does have a son with Asperger’s, so I'd imagine some of the storyline comes from his own experiences.

I did get ticked-off at the uncle scenario, and the supermodel behavioral aide, and the extremely stereotypical and wooden characterization of the bug guy. I also laugh a bit at Max's meltdowns...the adults all react in the way I do when my son melts down, but the little kid playing the character doesn't (and, really, how could he possibly?) get it. It's an impossible acting task for a little boy - you can see him try to keep himself from being hurt when he throws himself around, understandably, but it does leave you wondering why all the adults are so shocked.

We never kept my son's diagnosis from him, but for some time we would try to talk about it and he would become agitated and refuse to listen, so we respected the time he needed to sort things out. When we finally decided on clinical testing, we followed the excellent advice on this forum and bought him a copy of All Cats Have Aspergers and other Kathy Hoopmann books, and let him have questions - he figured it out himself at about the fourth page of the cat book. It's been a huge relief to him - but we've been careful to characterize it as a difference and not a "burden" (I don't like that word at all - disability I can see might be accurate in many cases - certainly my son is sometimes disabled, but "burden" has such an air of religious guilt about it. Ick.)

OK, now that I've posted that - I just was reading this article about it:http://www.fancast.com/blogs/2011/tv-news/parenthood-explores-how-to-tell-a-child-he-has-aspergers/

Can somebody tell me what "proscribed therapeutic guidelines for discussing Asperger’s with a child." are? Sounds like I didn't follow them, either - and we're all doing much better than we were before...though none of our therapists have disagreed with us...

I have low expectations for accuracy with the show, but I am VERY grateful they are at least covering the basics, because it's doing a TON of good just to get the word "aspergers" into the public lexicon and allowing it to be said so frequently takes the edge of the less desirable connotation of the word itself (ie, ass burgers).

The two things that bother me the most about the show are a) Max is very 2 dimensional, almost flat, as a character, whereas the aspie kids I know, including my son, would be better described as 4 dimensional; lively, engaging, bewildering, fascinating, charming, frustrating, beautiful. I don't feel the show captures the depth of Max's character in that regard. And b) I really, really REALLY despise how coiffed the mother is EVERY FRICKEN DAY when she NEVER goes anywhere outside the house from what we see AND I hate how TIDY AND CLEAN their house is.

I just want to walk up and muss up her hair, and then mess up her house.

Last night I was at the library with my son and he started to have a classic meltdown - it was time to leave but he wanted to stay. I told him he could go home and look up something on the internet instead of researching at the library. I told him we'd write down stuff to look up. He acted exactly like Max, though not as over the top, yelling and demanding that he continue what he was doing instead of running away, and thankfully he didn't hit me, though he's done that in the past.

A girl next to us immediately handed us a slip of paper and a pencil. I almost fell over - totally shocked. Normally we would start getting the dirty looks all around, hear the huffy sighs. She didn't say anything, which anyone who lives with an Aspie would have. All I can think of is that she saw the show and recognized it. If that's the case, it's totally awesome.

So glad someone started this discussion. I watch Parenthood because of the Max sub plot. Max is a little older than my son but acts nothing like him. Every once in a while I catch a glimpse, but mostly not. Max appears to be very high functioning, as is my son, but he seems so in control of himself and uses language soooooo well that I just don't believe he has Asperger's. I don't think I've ever seen him stim or repeat things or even misunderstand a conversation or cue. I was shocked that he WANTED to go on the roller coaster. And he's amazingly articulate. I don't understand why he needs to go to a special school or have a home therapist (appears to be ABA therapy?) when he's so high functioning. I think those parents do baby him and give in to his whims -- so maybe a future show will be about taking back the control?

I really liked when Max said that he's not made of wires, though. My son would probably take that in a different direction (am I a robot? Are you a mama robot?) but I appreciated the literal interpretation.

I thought their first talk with Max was completely over the top and no wonder it upset the kid. But they were coming off a very heated encounter with the selfish uncle and were obviously unprepared for this conversation. I hated seeing the mom cry (and yes, she is too coifed all the time) but it was an emotional evening all around. I liked that they spoke again but I hope this will be an ongoing conversation as Max processes this information. The Dad is in denial.

two weeks ago my 5 yr old with classic autism, who has severe social anxiety, demanded to go to the mall. i HATE the mall, his dad HATES the mall, we go maybe 4 times a year to the mall, but there was our little boy who doesnt even like to talk to kids at school asking to go to the mall on a saturday afternoon so we took him to the mall, and we let him ride the coin operated rides which is why he wanted to go to the mall in the first place. sometimes the desire to do something is enough to overlook the crowds and people involved.

i have started talking to our 5 yr old about autism. he knows he has autism, that he thinks differently than most people, that it makes him smart and good at his numbers and letters. to him, right now i think its similar to having brown hair, being a boy, or liking legos. its just part of who he is. and thats why i started mentioning it this early, i dont want it to be a big deal later on. i want it to be just a part of his life that he is used to.

i do like Parenthood, altho its blown up like all tv dramas are. i find some a bit unrealistic, most of us do not have our child in a special asd school and get hours and hours of aba each week, but maybe some do. i WISH they would be more reflective of what most of us face, with IEP struggles and not being able to find or afford treatments. but that aid has shown some good things in working and talking with autistics, which i think is a great thing for the general public to see. and next time my son is lying on the floor crying at walmart because its time to go and he still wants to play on the demo wii, maybe the people around him will think of max having a meltdown at the amusement park, and they will be a bit more tolerant.

While I don't think that Max really acts THAT much like my son. I've definitely had those moments in the show where I think they get it right. The episode I remember really relating with is when they first got their behavioral aid. I remember the conversation that the mom had with her and how emotional it was. I remember having similar conversations with my son's first Special Ed community based teacher. She was such a godsend and helped me understand him in a way I just couldn't before. AND, her presence finally made me feel like I wasn't a bad mother. I was VERY emotional during that episode.

I haven't seen this weeks episode yet. I can't wait to see it. I'll tell you though, my son would LOVE to ride a roller coaster. He is such a sensory seeker and is kind of obsessed with the idea of riding one. I can't wait to take him someday. Max's meltdowns on the show are different than what we experience with my son, and seem to happen more frequently, but I'll tell you, the times we get the really intense ones... they really are that. Very VERY intense. And, it's often 45 minutes crying and screaming and repeating the same phrase over and over. It's only something that happens occassionally, but it does happen. And, I could see how an outsider might think my son is just being a brat. But, I know that most of the time he's not. He's actually a very serious rule follower. And as long as there is a PLAN for the day and he's aware of it, he'll just go along. And usually, when he has a meltdown, we can figure out, to some degree, why he's having them.... usually related to disruption to our normal routine, especially if we're coming off of a vacation or something like that.

To address Spectrummom's comments - Max goes to a special school because of his sensory issues which they showed in the first few episodes. His at home aide appears to be mainly for social flexibility. He's very much like my son in that regard, as I had to pull him from school due to sensory issues. My son is also very articulate and high functioning, but it's ALWAYS the sensory issues that cause him the greatest challenges.

I would have to disagree that they baby him. I think they are working with the Aspergers, rather than against it, and trying to gradually increase their expectations which is the best approach, IMO.